Was i wrong for telling him to not phone me or should have i just disapeared?

[cyberbabie30]

A friend of mine thinks I was wrong for telling a man I was dating to not call me anymore. My friend thinks I should of just disappeared and not say any thing. Brief History, About two years ago I met this man in one of the places I like to hang out at once in a while.

 

I didn’t give him much attention in those two years I would only say hello and walk right by. Of course he would follow me and watch me in a distance during the night while I was out. Back in January he asked me out for dinner and I accepted. We had a nice time went out other times we talked on the phone quite a bit, and we didn’t have sex until two months into dating each other. At the end of April this guy started to distance him self from me. He didn’t return one of my calls nor did he call me.

 

I ran into him at the place I like to hang out at two weeks later. I walked up to him and told him that if he didn’t want to see me any longer all he had to do was say so. Well it turns out that he isn’t ready for anything right now told me that timing was bad on his part that he really liked me as a person and the sex was beautiful. He also said to that he should of talked to me about things and said that he was sorry that he didn’t. He said it is because of his issues with his ex-wife.( He is separated from her for 3 yrs. His ex-wife at the time also was dating another guy.). I told him that was fine and that I hoped all worked out for him. I also told him that I didn’t want to be with someone who has the issues he has.

 

So for eight weeks I went about my business and didn’t contact him nor did I see him at show up at our hangout.

Well wouldn’t you know it he calls me after eight weeks of NC to say he wanted to see how I was doing in all

That he was thinking about me. And then asks if I would like to go out to dinner later in the week.

I asked him about his situation and he tells me that his ex wife’s boyfriend passed away just two days ago he was very sick, and that she is

moving out of state. And things have settled. So we go out again nice dinner etc.

 

We have spoken and gone out several times these past three weeks. until this past Saturday night when I had to tell him to never phone me again. Friday night I had gone out to my usual place with some friends and who shows up but him.

 

He came right by me and hung with me all night. When it came time to leave he wanted to know what I was doing next. Meaning he wanted to go home with me. I told him I was going home and didn’t feel like company. Saturday night I went out again with a different friend and once again who shows up but him.

Only this time he avoided me. I went up to him and told him to never phone me again, He looked surprised to hear me tell him this, I can see that your still hung up on your ex-wife and that I don’t need your issues in my life, His response was that she depends on him. I told him that you have two choices in your life you can die a lonely old man and sit and hope your ex-wife takes you back by you dropping everything when she calls upon you or you can move on with your life.

 

I also told him that you just don’t get into a serious relationship with someone over night that is something that takes time. That I was in no rush. I said my point is that you keep coming a going and I don’t want that in my life and I’m not a booty call either, one min your chasing me and the next avoiding me, this game had to stop. he said he didn’t think he was playing games with me, I told him that if I were to continue to see him I’m going to become emotionally attached and end up getting hurt.

 

I also told him that I thought he was a nice guy and that I like him and I always enjoyed spending time with him, and its not that i dont want to speak to him or not spend time with him, but you and I are at different levels in our lives. He told me he also enjoyed spending time with me. He then said to me can we be friends. I said we will see, but in reality you should be friends first to see where things go. He said yes that was true.

 

I already have it in my mind that the next time I run into him I’m just going to say hello and walk right by, and go about my business. I need to keep the distance from him right now for my own self. To clear my head.

 

So was I wrong for talking to him last night and telling him how I felt because my friend thinks I said to much and that less was better? Or would of it been better that I just disappeared and not said anything at all and leave he to wonder why?

Also to me him saying about being friends, I feel its just another way of him holding on to me for when he gets lonely. What do you Think?

[seabiscuit]

to tell the truth i didnt read all of the thread but i did read the end. and i think you did the right thing by telling him, than to just disapear. i think when you dont tell someone, it hurts more because they will be confused and they also might think they just have to try harder.

[cyberbabie30]

Hi seabisuit,

 

I agree that disapearing would hurt more than telling the person why you no longer wish to see them with a good reason. I know it would me.

 

How ever in this case I dont believe he is currently sitting home hurting, he has another distration to prevent that. All though he was suprised to hear what was coming out of my mouth considering i was nice to him the night before and didnt give any indication that i was going to break it off. Not to mention when i broke up with him on saturday night i told him in a soft normal tone of voice.

 

My main purpose was to let him know that im just not going waste my time with someone who dosent know what they want or are afraid of what they found. Or who wants to live in their past. He is a sweet guy works hard, laid back easygoing. But sadly he has relationship issues that i just dont need in my life.

[seabiscuit]

well it sounds like you did it perfect. i wish i had woman break up with me like that.

[cyberbabie30]

Sadly seabiscuit most people in this world dont break up with people like i did with the guy i just broke up with.

 

Its not easy to walk up to some body and tell them that things just arent working out

But in reality its the right thing to do.

 

I also know where this guy is coming from, as far as his ex goes.

Im in her shoes with my ex husband. My ex-husband and i divorced 13 years ago and to this day my ex-husband tells me that he is still in love with me but my ex-husband also knows i dont feel the same way about him, and that i would never go back with him. I also told this guy this. As an example because I'm see the same situation in this guys life.

 

This guy wants to be a doormat for his ex-wife then all the power to him, But in reality his ex left him for another man and moved across the country then came back to the east coast. They have no children together so there are no ties in that sense. Not to mention this guy i was dating shows up at a bar two nights in a row on a weekend shows me that his ex isnt making any effort to take him back as of now. Its his business if he wants to continue with the false hope that his ex-wife keeps giving him, but im not going to be there for him to pick up the pieces when he realizes that its truly over between him and her and that she is only using him for her own purpose. I guess sometimes the outsider sees more than the person who is on the inside.

[Moai]

Wow! You did exactly the right thing. That is by far the most well-adjusted, honest, and kind break-up or whatevver thing I have ever heard of. Seriously. Please print out your post and hand it to every woman everywhere.

 

As a side note, I think they way he would show up where you were hanging out is kind of creepy. I mean, it's one thing if you are in a place where you both hung out before you started seeing each other, but showing up when you are with other people is a huge no-no, especially in the stage of the relationship you guys were in. Ugh. Gives me the willies.

[cyberbabie30]

I originaly met him at the place he showed up at, But he didnt go there that often.

I happen to know a lot of people at this place.

 

My thought of him showing up there two nights in a row was gee you could show up here but you couldnt give me a called to get together. And then he had the nerve to show up again a second night and chose to avoid me because i wouldnt let him come home with me the night before.

 

I know its not easy for anyone to just walk up to someone and tell them that things just arent working out and give an honest reason as to why.

 

I know I would want someone to break up with me the way i broke up with this guy i was dating but sadly not many people break up the way i do with people.

 

The guy i broke up with is a very nice man. We are just at different times in our lives right now. I just wasnt going to get hurt or waste my time with someone who had to many issues.

 

I do know since i broke up with him that i wont be seeing him there for a while. The first time when he started to avoid me i didnt see him for 8 weeks and then we got back together but only for three weeks the second time. I saw the same pattern as the first time and felt it was better for my self and for him to just end it.