Unable to heal, lost my best friend

[Cantheal]

I am turning here for support and advice, don't really have anyone else to talk too.

 

I am severely depressed and distraught over my break up, I feel I lost the best and most important thing in my life and I cannot deal with it being over. I am a 30 year old male , and she was 28. We first me through a friend of mine and immediately hit it off, she was visiting from New York and I was in Georgia . She fell head over heels for me and moved down to Georgia leaving friends and family behind. We were madly in love. She moved in right away and we lived together for 3.5 years.

 

This girl was my everything , but somewhere along the way I lost sight of that and took her for granted . She was ALWAYS so sweet and caring of me, would of done anything for me . She begged me to propose to her, stupid me just did not want it at the time . She continued to support me in everything I did and be amazing person. I took it all for granted . Emotionally neglected her for about a year after I had lost all my money in the stock market and fell deeply depressed. She was still right by my side.

 

After 3.5 years of being together she told me she wanted to move home because she missed her family and wanted me to come with her, she wanted both of us to be together in New York. I told her no and needed to figure out things here( thinking she would never leave me) . After months of begging and pleading with me I still was an ******* and refused . One day she gave me a deadline and told me she was moving home , I didn't take it serious and that day came and she left. I was crushed . Took half out pets and all of her stuff and was gone ... She told me to meet her up in New York when I was ready.

 

2 weeks go by and I muster up the courage and and prepared to quit my job to be reunited with the woman I loved so much. After calling her with excitement thinking i would make her the happiest girl with that news . Then came the heart ache. She told me she no longer had feelings for me, and laid out every flaw and time i miss treated her and took advantage of her. She wanted nothing to do with me anymore. She said she could not be selfless anymore and me and her were done, never to get back together. She says she is so much happier now that she is away. And i cannot handle this. My once best friend, lover and life partner resinted me and there was nothing i can tell her or do do change her mind... I am utterly heart broken and hate myself for letting the perfect woman get away because of my dumb stupid actions . I lost the best thing that ever happened to me and i cannot cope..

 

I lay in bed thinking about all the times she was good to me, here is a woman who gave up everything to be with me , moved across country , spent a year trying to get me out of my depression and all i did was push her away and take advantage of this amazing person. I cry myself to sleep every night . The only peace I have is when meet her in my dreams.

 

I was debating just showing up on her doorstep , flying across country just to prove to her I have changed. And the only thing that matters is her, and I want to be that person she fell in love with years ago. I can't live thinking about never having her in my life .

 

Thank you for reading

Edited December 28, 2016 by Cantheal

[PinkElephants]

I was debating just showing up on her doorstep , flying across country just to prove to her I have changed. And the only thing that matters is her, and I want to be that person she fell in love with years ago.

 

Please don't do this.

 

You remind me of my ex. He thought I loved him too much to leave and took for granted that I'd always be there. He'd bail on me for friends or just generally disappoint me like it was no big deal.

 

Then I got a job offer thousands of miles away and accepted. He assumed I'd either change my mind or find a way to take him with me but I left without him. He had a complete meltdown that included job loss, alcohol abuse, and lots of begging.

 

Then he showed up at my house. He'd moved to be with me and make things right but I never took him back. For a year he tried to convince me he'd changed. I think he honestly tried but I was always watching him, waiting for him to fail me. And he did. He didn't take me for granted but he let me down and I was so prepared to let him go I didn't bother to try.

 

He wasted a year trying to fix something that was irreparably broken. No matter what he did I couldn't be convinced that he was worth the risk.

 

Your ex has probably decided that the guy she fell in love with doesn't exist anymore and, even if she does give you a chance, she'll be watching and waiting for you to fail while making a half-hearted effort that probably includes seeing other men because she might find someone better.

 

Take the lesson you learned and apply it in your next relationship. Love is a verb and it must be practiced every day. You will find someone else and you'll know not to take her for granted but showing up on your ex's door is asking for more pain.

[BlkVelvet]

While I have no issue with Pink Elephant's personal opinion/advice, I really dislike all of the advice around here that points to just giving up in every situation.

 

People give advice here based solely on their own experiences and personalities. That doesnt make them experts on YOUR situation or what YOU should actually do.

 

That being said, I definitely wouldn't uproot my life for someone who left and has decided within 2 weeks that she didnt want your relationship anymore. She was already unhappy when she left, got distance from you and reconnected with friends/family who love her and treat her well, and got the courage to leave the man who has been hurting her for years.

 

You can try to see if you can win her back (its not unheard of no matter what LS bitters say) if it will make you feel better that you fought for her, and so that you won't have any regrets, but prepare yourself for the probability that she's really done. "When a woman's fed up. . ." and all that jazz.

 

Good luck and this too shall pass.

[Cantheal]

Thanks for both of your inputs and advice , even though I hate to hear that I have lost her forever.

 

It has been 1 and a half months since she has been gone and it is as painful today as the day she left . Everything i do reminds me of her , every song , our favorite places to eat, our old neighborhoods we lived in together , this city is now just tearing my heart in two..

 

She made it very clear that she is done with me and would never consider taking me back. I have that small glmmmer of hope that if I were to move my life and sacrifice like she once did to be with her she would see some change in me and take me back.

 

I know it's a long shot and if I showed up on her porch with our dog and all my belongings asking for forgiveness and another chance just for her to tell me no to my face would be absolutely devastating . But if there is a chance she will say yes than it would all be worth it . I would do anything for this girl , and to get her back. I don't want anymore time to come between us and her move on with someone new ...

[bluefeather]

I would do anything for this girl , and to get her back...

 

Are you sure about that?

 

I was debating just showing up on her doorstep...

 

It has been 1 and a half months since she has been gone...

 

Because if I truly wanted her back, I might have gone after her right after she left, instead of just contemplating and feeling sad. I'm not trying to be mean, but trying to get you to honestly ask yourself this in case you might just be reacting, based on your emotional pain.

 

Maybe you took her for granted because you fell out of love. Maybe that is also why you did not ever want to propose to her.

 

Just another perspective. Good luck.

[Slimtripper]

You aren't going to get this woman back. And if you go to her house, it will just reiterate to her that you weren't prepared to do any of this before.

 

Ive been in the same situation. Girls that will do anything for me. Me taking it for granted. Them leaving, me regretting it and wanting them back.

But deep down i knew that if i really wanted to be with them, i would already have been. You weren't. You only really want her now because you can't have her.

If you really felt that way before then you would have married her. You didn't. You feel like it now because its the feelings of loss.

From her pov. Now she is away she can see it for what it was and where it was going. When a woman is truly done, she is done.

Shes been pushed too far now to ever go back. I hope you are not contacting her. If you do the grand gesture of turning up there then at least wait 3 months before doing it.

At the moment she just had bad thoughts about you.

[Satu]

Whenever I hear someone say, "he/she was my everything," or "he/she was my best friend," I know I'm listening to someone who has serious attachment and abandonment issues.

 

Thats you OP; you have those issues.

 

The attachment issue is visible in your push/pull behaviour. You didn't want to go with her, but now you do, when things have been ended.

 

The abandonment issue is visible in your "I can't live thinking about never having her in my life," statement.

 

Being realistic, she decided to leave you behind, and she's ok with that.

 

She'll find another guy soon, and might already have done so.

 

She didn't leave to pursue a life of celibacy.

 

Nobody does.

 

If you "turned up at her porch with our dog and all my belongings asking for forgiveness and another chance," she'll probably ask you what the *%£* you think you're doing.

 

You made your choice not to go with her, and she made the choice to fully breakup with you and go.

 

Its over.

 

Do your grieving.

 

 

Take care.

[Thistooshallpass21]

Thanks for both of your inputs and advice , even though I hate to hear that I have lost her forever.

 

It has been 1 and a half months since she has been gone and it is as painful today as the day she left . Everything i do reminds me of her , every song , our favorite places to eat, our old neighborhoods we lived in together , this city is now just tearing my heart in two..

 

She made it very clear that she is done with me and would never consider taking me back. I have that small glmmmer of hope that if I were to move my life and sacrifice like she once did to be with her she would see some change in me and take me back.

 

I know it's a long shot and if I showed up on her porch with our dog and all my belongings asking for forgiveness and another chance just for her to tell me no to my face would be absolutely devastating . But if there is a chance she will say yes than it would all be worth it . I would do anything for this girl , and to get her back. I don't want anymore time to come between us and her move on with someone new ...

 

Yo man, frig it! Do it if you think you have a glimmer of a shot. I wouldn't quit your job though. Take a few days of vacation time, if she says no you have your job and if yes you can quit if that's what you really want. If this girl is absolutely who you want to be with, take a leap of faith. You only live once why waste your time wondering. Let me know how it goes and I hope for the best.

[preraph]

Let me ask you: Do you really think you could be considerate and not revert back to getting your own way if she came back to you? It's not that easy to change. In six months, you might get bitter and think, Look at all the changes I made to be with her and she can't do anything for me in return?

 

Just try to be realistic. She got away and gained some perspective and it felt like fresh air to her. If you really believe you could NOW be happy compromising in ways you were never willing or happy to do before, tell her that you are willing to make a permanent change to try it again. But be realistic and don't do that if you aren't willing to pay the price and if you're going to resent her for it.

[Cantheal]

Some of the answers and opinions I have gotten so far are definitely painful . I used to consider myself an optimist but as I have gotten older not always .

 

To the questions asking if I really love this woman is yes. I want to spend the rest of my life with her , our relationship was amazing before my downfall. I lost.... A lot of money and at that point in my life moneybags was everything to me. We also went into financial hardship times where I couldn't provide for her like I once could and that made me very depressed , even though she always told me money isn't everything . She watched the worst come out in me with such anger and stupidity . That I'm sure she wouldn't never want to see again.

 

I see how foolish I was and what strain I put on the most caring person I had ever met. I hate that this is what happend . I want more than anything to go up there and prove her wrong about the things she said . But I truly don't know how realistic it is to do this. What if she resents me even more for this when she told me know about ever seeing her in the near future .

 

I feel I cannot just sit around and never know if maybe I could win her heart back and show her the change and prove to her I'm willing to sacrifice everything to be with her. If she says no and slams the door, do I run home with my tail between my legs with a broken heart ...

[Thistooshallpass21]

Yeah, pretty much. You putting everything on the line is all you can do. From there if it's a no...only thing you can do is move forward.

[Slimtripper]

Yeah, pretty much. You putting everything on the line is all you can do. From there if it's a no...only thing you can do is move forward.

 

You can't persuade someone to be with you. Once they don't want to be with you, every nice gesture you do just pushes them away.

You don't want this woman. You weren't fully into it and she knows this. All your talk now is just desperation. It's your emotions making you panic.

 

i actually nearly did the same thing with my ex. She said I didn't care n had to break it off. I considered traveling 24 hours to talk with her properly.

And I didn't. And I feel much better for it. Whatever I feel, she broke it off.

You're talking all the blame now because you are panicking but after a few weeks you will see this for what it was. I'm now mentally where she was when she broke it off. Get it? You aren't in the same place at the moment to talk logically.

 

If u do go, please write the results on here so hopefully peope won't do it in the future.

[jaimster]

my two cents ! for what its worth !

I'm in my fifthys going through second divorce , its been two months since my younger wife left me ,, I ain't about to go begging her or even tried to get her back even thought I'm still have feelings for her ,, I'm alone no close friends or family ,, still I know things will get better

 

IF you tried to go looking for her , pleading to take u back - long shot she does

IT WILL BE OVER .. she will loose any little respect she might still have for you . believe me you are young -- don't want to be with her always having thoughts - she might be looking or flerting with somebody else ..

 

you will live a miserable life with her.. IT WONT last ..

this pain will help you get to know your self better. be more observant of your next lover or relationship .. let her go or you will regret it ..

 

seek support group. hang in there kid! be strong its in you !

[Slimtripper]

my two cents ! for what its worth !

I'm in my fifthys going through second divorce , its been two months since my younger wife left me ,, I ain't about to go begging her or even tried to get her back even thought I'm still have feelings for her ,, I'm alone no close friends or family ,, still I know things will get better

 

IF you tried to go looking for her , pleading to take u back - long shot she does

IT WILL BE OVER .. she will loose any little respect she might still have for you . believe me you are young -- don't want to be with her always having thoughts - she might be looking or flerting with somebody else ..

 

you will live a miserable life with her.. IT WONT last ..

this pain will help you get to know your self better. be more observant of your next lover or relationship .. let her go or you will regret it ..

 

seek support group. hang in there kid! be strong its in you !

 

He's completely right. You'll tell yourself this is a strong move but it's actually the weakest thing you can do. She'll pity you, see that you aren't strong and just be reminded that you never wanted to do this before.

 

Move on. That's the only way to keep any attraction.

[BlkVelvet]

He's completely right. You'll tell yourself this is a strong move but it's actually the weakest thing you can do. She'll pity you, see that you aren't strong and just be reminded that you never wanted to do this before.

 

Move on. That's the only way to keep any attraction.

 

 

This is a quote I like: "When people are at the end of their life, they dont regret the things they did, they regret the things they didn't do or were too afraid to do."

 

I want to have the least amount of regrets in my life as possible. If I feel stongly about something, and I can detach myself from the outcome, but know that at least I tried, then I base my actions upon that. Either way, you are already heartbroken. What is worse than what you've already experienced in this situation? Begging and crying and pleading isn't the only way to get your point across to her, and I'm not suggesting you do that.

 

However, If its really worth it to you, I say take your best shot. You have nothing left to lose. If the outcome isn't the one you had hoped, you'll be fine and, in my opinion, better, for having the balls for going after her. You only live once. Make sure you have no regrets.

 

I know most folks on this site are deeply afraid of making a "fool" of themselves and they think "strength" is shoving down and hiding and dishonoring your feelings so that you don't look "silly" in front another human being. I don't subscribe to that type of thinking. I live my life on my own terms and I take my best shot because living with regret is not an option for me. But hey, that's just me. What I DO do, however, is make sure -- before I take that shot -- that I'm doing it for ME, and so that I won't have any regrets and can cleanly move on after knowing that at least I tried. I never have to wonder about it, and that is very liberating.

 

Look, we arent talking about walking over hot coals, here. We are talking about being fearless for the one you think is worth it. There really is never any shame in that and its so disturbing to me that so many advocate living inauthentic lives. For what, ego, when you really love another human being???? Lol, please. That's so sad to me.

 

Anyway, I know most on here dont agree with my take but I really dont care. I'm tired of the "one-size-fits-all" advice I've been seeing on this board.

 

Just because it didn't work for the rest of y'all, doesn't mean it won't work for others. Stop all of this projecting. It looks a lot like Schadenfreude and that's not cool at all.

 

Why is everyone so hopeless and bitter around here?

 

No matter what you think, you really DON'T know what this woman is or isn't going to do and neither does the OP. But sometimes, that's a chance you just have to take.

 

I'm not trying to give you false hope, OP, but I have to negate the extreme negativity I see here sometimes. It may NOT work out at all, (probably not, actually) but you're a big boy, right? I think you already know that.

 

Cheer up everyone. Miracles do happen. Sometimes

[fromheart]

The first thing and maybe the only thing to actually do here, is to look after yourself. You've had a depression problem, and this is no doubt adding to it.

 

The gym and counseling can work wonders and can help you to feel better instantly, so start there.

 

You're being really hard on yourself also. You chose to stay where you wanted to stay. As a man you can't move away to be with other people, it never works on the long run. It must be about your career and life first, then the right woman will come to you.

 

In fact, that's going to come true for you if you really start to do work on yourself. When your happy with yourself and your life, then you're ready for a relationship. Otherwise, its like trying to to run with a broken leg.

 

As for this woman, no to give you any false hope but you can definitely re attract her. That doesn't mean that she will come back though, but at the very least she will respect you and the closure of the relationship will be resolved, which puts you in the best position to meet a woman who is compatible with your new found contentment in life.

 

There's also a good chance that you will find that this particular woman wasn't the one for you, and your happier to meet other women.

 

The absolute best thing to do is this; do not contact her or reach out to her for any reason. Work on yourself and your life first and foremost.

 

Trying to contact her or turning up at her doorstep will without a doubt push her away. Even if she did let you into her space she'd treat you badly for being weak, for compromising yourself and not doing what a man would, in putting his own life first. Women move towards strong men and reject the weak and needy. But you'll instantly become stronger in her eyes, and the eyes of all women, by moving on and looking after yourself. Your self esteem will at least double in the next few months, by the simple act of not reaching out to her.

 

 

So you can turn around the setbacks you've had in your career and personal life, but only if you put the work and focus on yourself right now. Just hang in there, get to the gym, eat and rest as well as you can. Avoid heavy drinking. I'd recommend Corey Wayne on youtube and downloading his book also.