NoName48498 Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Hi, I met this guy on OKC about 2 months ago. We have been dating ever since. After the 2nd week of dating, he asked me to be exclusive and he took his dating profile down. I did the same. He treats me like a princess. He calls me and texts me all the time. He says that he misses me and we go on dates. We enjoy each other and we have been intimate after the first month of dating. 1 week ago, I asked the dreaded question "what are we?". He said "we are exclusive and I am not dating anyone else". I asked if we that means that we are bf/gf and he said "I guess....but dont go posting it on FB". I got mad and he apologized for saying that. He said that he doesn't want to change his relationship status on FB because he doesn't want people he barely knows to know details about his love life. ( he was in a 10 year relationship 2 years ago and he said that the whole thing was painful and having to deal with changing his relationship status on FB was just extra stress ). Then he went on to say that he doesnt mind posting pictures of both of us on FB, but he wont change his relationship status. 1 week later, I texted him asking if I am going to see him on Xmas so I can give him his gift. He was surprised that I got him something and told me that I should have told him so he could get me something. I said that it it doesn't matter about the gift, it is the thought that counts. Then he went on to say that he had been busy with work and had no time to think about "us" and will pay for a mini-getaway instead. (BS, because he was telling me earlier about all the gifts he got his family for XMAS..so, he did have time for the people he cares about) Then I asked if he didnt get me something because we are not together and again he said " We already talked about this. We are exclusive, I am not dating anyone else". Then I went on to tell him that I dont understand how we could be together without making it official on facebook. He says that his family and friends know about me and he is not trying to hide anything. (I've met some of his friends but he has never said "this is my gf.." ) He again said that he is okay with posting pics on FB with me but will not change his relationship status. Then I said, that he has been treating me like his gf lately and the thing between us feels like a relationship and he said that he agrees. He said that he doesnt see anything wrong with how our relationship is progressing and "is not into labels". I decided to let it go because I didnt want to argue. After this conversation, we texted for a bit the next day and today he didnt text me at all!! (we talk every single day, so this is weird) So, my question is this....Is all of this a bunch of BS and is he stringing me along??? Or did I scare him off with the whole relationship talk and that pushed him away?? Maybe I came off too strong and I need to back off? Im very disappointed and I do not know what to do. Please give me advice!
winny Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Okay let me try to put down the issues: ~he doesn't want to update relationship status on Facebook ~he didn't buy you a christmas gift and gave excuse that he didn't have time ~he hasn't texted you for a day I would ignore the first one. People give way to much importance to Facebook. Second one can be ignored because you cannot expect him to buy you a gift at this point and maybe he was just embarrassed when you told him you have a gift and gave some excuses. Third one - Be patient. Don't text. Shoot him a casual text tomorrow if he doesn't text still. Then let us know what happens. Try to relax... and hope it will be all good.
TheTraveler Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 He doesn't want to make it official on fb because he's keeping his options open 2
LargoLagg Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 He said that he doesn't want to change his relationship status on FB because he doesn't want people he barely knows to know details about his love life. ( he was in a 10 year relationship 2 years ago and he said that the whole thing was painful and having to deal with changing his relationship status on FB was just extra stress ). That's either a load of BS, or he's got social issues. As far as BS goes, he either has some irons in the fire, or there's someone who he wants to keep partly in the dark. What to do? First and foremost, stop being exclusive with men after only two weeks of dating. Maybe you can start talking about it after 3 months, so in my opinion, you're still premature. Second, I'd probably ask him why he wants to be exclusive if he doesn't want people to think of you as his girlfriend. Explain that you can understand his stance because you've only been dating a short while, but it is confusing when that position is combined with exclusivity. If you want to link the two things, which it sounds like you do, you might want to tell him that you want to continue to date, but the exclusivity has to go, and that when he's ready to have a girlfriend, you'll consider exclusivity then. I mean, you want what you want, right? If he's not into labels, and boyfriend bothers him, wait until you start talking about the label "husband." If you're going to spend all your time with one man, it makes sense to me that you should at least be on the same page. If you can't do that, what's the point?
Fruitee Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Does he use social media a lot? That might explain it. Not everyone is so active. I am pretty active in social media but I do have reservations for putting private stuff especially relationship stuff there. Its tiring to answer all kinds of questions from family and co-workers and then explain why we broke up etc. So its better to publish it when it has been longer time and in stabile state. But I dont know. It is possible he is keeping his tabs open. Are there any other red flags? Does he act in weird way?
basil67 Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Could it simply be that he doesn't want the label up there till he knows that the relationship has legs? I know many people who've dated exclusively for some time before they've made it really public. It saves the embarrassment of being 'in a relationship' then taking it down and having to explain to everyone. 2
LargoLagg Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Could it simply be that he doesn't want the label up there till he knows that the relationship has legs? I know many people who've dated exclusively for some time before they've made it really public. It saves the embarrassment of being 'in a relationship' then taking it down and having to explain to everyone.You're always very level-headed. I think that if true, that's just as nutty as this one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/607367-doesn-t-want-my-bf-but-wants-me-marry-him If that's the case, shouldn't he have disclosed this up front? How do you ask a girl for her undivided affections, and then ask her to keep it a secret so that you're not embarrassed later if it doesn't work out? Do people actually do this? What is there to be embarrassed about? Most relationships don't work out. It's usually a race to the finish line. If a girl asked that of me, I'd think she was nuts. I certainly wouldn't take someone like that seriously enough to date her exclusively, and if I was already doing that, I'd put an end to that arrangement right away. To me, it would be about self-respect. You'd better be damn appreciative to be exclusive with me. That said, it's a great big world out there, isn't it? Maybe he's terribly hurt from his last relationship ending, and he feels shame because his LTR of 10 years failed, and he hasn't processed it fully yet, and that is the source of his need for secrecy. That actually sounds plausible. Still, if that's the case, he's not ready to be exclusive with anybody. I think what I'm arguing is that whatever his issue really is, they're just not on the same wavelength about it, and this is so fundamental that they should be.
Fruitee Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 You're always very level-headed. I think that if true, that's just as nutty as this one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/607367-doesn-t-want-my-bf-but-wants-me-marry-him If that's the case, shouldn't he have disclosed this up front? How do you ask a girl for her undivided affections, and then ask her to keep it a secret so that you're not embarrassed later if it doesn't work out? Do people actually do this? What is there to be embarrassed about? Most relationships don't work out. It's usually a race to the finish line. If a girl asked that of me, I'd think she was nuts. I certainly wouldn't take someone like that seriously enough to date her exclusively, and if I was already doing that, I'd put an end to that arrangement right away. To me, it would be about self-respect. You'd better be damn appreciative to be exclusive with me. That said, it's a great big world out there, isn't it? ... I think its different to keep it secret than keep it off FB. I have co-workers in FB and I dont share any private stuff. But all my friends and other close people know if Im seeing someone. Even tho its not FB public. 1
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Even if my BF and I were exclusive after our 5th date I only changed my FB status after 6 months dating. Very few relationships will make it past the 3rd month so I understand not wanting to change a status after 2 months only. You don't want to be one of those people that changes their status 3-4 times a year and people think 'there she goes again'. You have everything you need at this time at 2 months dating. You have exclusivity, you have his attention, you can post all the pictures you want on FB, and you know his friends and family. Work with this at building a solid base for this relationship and revisit the label in a couple of months. You should have a label by Valentine's Day. If not by then then break up and move on. 1
IfonlyIknew Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 The facebook update is irrelevant at this time, we didn't change ours until 6 months. I think people that don't like labels still have some maturing to do and could be emotionally insecure to let something like that make them feel uncomfortable. If you're exclusive you should be able to say boyfriend and girlfriend.
Author NoName48498 Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 He is NOT keeping "us" a secret. He says that he doesn't mind putting up pictures of us on his facebook. And, yes, he is active on FB. He posts pictures with his friends all the time. The only thing that he does not want to do is change his relationship status. Otherwise, we are "together" according to him. Also, in my experience, all of my previous bfs were really excited to be together and make it official. This guy doesn't seem like he is. I feel like Im trapping him and that is not what I want. Otherwise, he treats me very well. He is very respectful and goes out of his way to do stuff for me. I also made it very clear in the beginning that I am looking for a serious relationship and nothing else. He told me that he is looking for the same thing. Maybe he got scared now that things are getting more serious?
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 He is NOT keeping "us" a secret. He says that he doesn't mind putting up pictures of us on his facebook. And, yes, he is active on FB. He posts pictures with his friends all the time. The only thing that he does not want to do is change his relationship status. Otherwise, we are "together" according to him. Also, in my experience, all of my previous bfs were really excited to be together and make it official. This guy doesn't seem like he is. I feel like Im trapping him and that is not what I want. Otherwise, he treats me very well. He is very respectful and goes out of his way to do stuff for me. I also made it very clear in the beginning that I am looking for a serious relationship and nothing else. He told me that he is looking for the same thing. Maybe he got scared now that things are getting more serious? It has nothing to do with being scared, he is just more mature that is all. How old are you 2 ? Sure your other boyfriends were happy to change their status right away but they couldn't have been that good of boyfriends you're not together anymore. Serious dating is not about making an appearance on FB. You are complaining about a man that 'makes you happy in every way' because of a darn FB status after 2 months. 1
Author NoName48498 Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 No, other red flags so far.Except we didnt talk yesterday...we have talked every single day since we met. So, it is a bit weird.
VeveCakes Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 my bf did the same exclusive but not bf/gf thing, and later found out it was because he had 2 other gfs. Same goes for Christmas, had no time for me but was staying with me almost every night. Something is shady.... 1
stillafool Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 It seems like you are in a relationship to me. Who cares about stupid FB and the world knowing. People are busy this time of year so one day without speaking would suit me fine.
Author NoName48498 Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 I am 27 and he is 39. I don't really care about the FB status if the reason he is telling me is the actual truth and not just BS so that he could keep his options open....That is my concern..that he may be lying to me and stringing me along.
Author NoName48498 Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 Yeah..it just seems so unnatural. I don't know what to do because I may be overthinking this OR my concerns might turn out to be true. Maybe I should give it a bit more time?
travelbug1996 Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Don't have sex with a guy until he asks you to be his girlfriend. I don't understand why women wait until after sex to get clarification on what a guy wants from them. Come on girls wise up!
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 I am 27 and he is 39. I don't really care about the FB status if the reason he is telling me is the actual truth and not just BS so that he could keep his options open....That is my concern..that he may be lying to me and stringing me along. You are dating a man that is 2 generations older than you. He's about to turn 40, he doesn't care about FB as you do. YOU on the other hand are from the digital generation, the generation that believes it's only true if it's on FB. How would he be lying? How would he be stringing you along? Didn't you meet his family and friends? don't you stay at his place? 1
Author NoName48498 Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 I've met only some of his friends. I have never met his sisters. I met his Dad once because he dropped by his place as a surprise and I happened to be there. Yes, I do stay at his place. I have clothes and a toothbrush there. That is the thing though, he says that "we are together" and that "we dont need to be FB official to be official in real life"
VeveCakes Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 You are dating a man that is 2 generations older than you. He's about to turn 40, he doesn't care about FB as you do. YOU on the other hand are from the digital generation, the generation that believes it's only true if it's on FB. How would he be lying? How would he be stringing you along? Didn't you meet his family and friends? don't you stay at his place? I know a lot of people think this way but I mean there are 60 year olds who use Facebook more than some kids....a lot of people are using it a lot. I don't think it's an age thing but a personal thing. I think 2 months is soon for FB relationship status. The question is does he actually refer to you as his GF to friends etc?
Author NoName48498 Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 Well, last time we hung out with his friends he didnt..but that was before we had the "what are we " talk..
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 I know a lot of people think this way but I mean there are 60 year olds who use Facebook more than some kids....a lot of people are using it a lot. I don't think it's an age thing but a personal thing. My mother is 69 and is the FB specialist. She knows about it much more than I do but the difference between her and a 20 year old user is that she will not give FB the power of life or death over her. FB is not the holy truth to her. My mother will not complain one of her friends didn't like her pictures, or her sister didn't share her video, and she will not browse around and check other people's status. That is the difference between younger and older users.
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 You have to understand where this guy is coming from. He is 39, he was in a 10 year relationship. His definition of a serious relationship is different than yours. His definition of the length of time it takes to be official is different. Has he dated since his last 10 year relationship? What is your dating history? anything long term like 10 years? At this point, at 2 months dating, this guy doesn't want to be official on FB because he doesn't know if you are going to make it long term. He doesn't want to advertise himself and then in 2 months having to change his FB to single again because it's embarrassing to do that. He wants to get to know you better before screaming to the world you are his GF. Like I said my BF and I were exclusive after 5 dates. I introduced him to my siblings at 3-4 months, I took him to my parents at 5 months and ONLY at 6 months I changed my FB status. I wanted to make sure I was not gonna be the joke of the month by changing my FB status at 2 months and taking it back down at 3 months. 2
VeveCakes Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 My mother is 69 and is the FB specialist. She knows about it much more than I do but the difference between her and a 20 year old user is that she will not give FB the power of life or death over her. FB is not the holy truth to her. My mother will not complain one of her friends didn't like her pictures, or her sister didn't share her video, and she will not browse around and check other people's status. That is the difference between younger and older users. thank god for that...but I still stick with it - its a person to person thing, not an age thing although Im sure the young ones are more prone to this stuff since they are immature by nature hahaha I have seen lots of drama on FB by women 50+
Recommended Posts