primer Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 (edited) I have been with my boyfriend for eight years now. He breaks up with me quite often. Breaks up but never leaves. He will tell me "that's it" and "I am done" and "this will never work" and then later on act like nothing happened. This last time it was Christmas Day - in the morning before it was even light out. On Christmas Eve I met a childhood friend out for a couple of drinks because her divorce was final a week before and she was feeling sad. I was home alone doing nothing so we decided to meet out. That's what made him mad this time. It was nothing - He wasn't around, I had no plans, etc. WTF is wrong with him? We are old (in our 40s). Is he trying to control me? Is it mind games? Has this ever happened to you? Was it wrong for me to meet my friend out? I finally told him I do not feel secure in our relationship. I need stability. I will never marry him because it is so easy for him to break up with me. Edited: I think the Christmas Day one bothered me the most - because it was CHRISTMAS! He must have wanted to ruin my Christmas spirit. Edited December 27, 2016 by primer
Redhead14 Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 I have been with my boyfriend for eight years now. He breaks up with me quite often. Breaks up but never leaves. He will tell me "that's it" and "I am done" and "this will never work" and then later on act like nothing happened. This last time it was Christmas Day - in the morning before it was even light out. On Christmas Eve I met a childhood friend out for a couple of drinks because her divorce was final a week before and she was feeling sad. I was home alone doing nothing so we decided to meet out. That's what made him mad this time. It was nothing - He wasn't around, I had no plans, etc. WTF is wrong with him? We are old (in our 40s). Is he trying to control me? Is it mind games? Has this ever happened to you? Was it wrong for me to meet my friend out? I finally told him I do not feel secure in our relationship. I need stability. I will never marry him because it is so easy for him to break up with me. Eight years of this??? The definition of insanity is doing/accepting the same thing over and over again expecting different results. WTF is wrong with him? -- I don't care what's wrong with him. The real question is what's wrong with YOU for tolerating this treatment. And, given the circumstances, no it isn't wrong you met up with your friend so long as it was platonic, etc. He breaks up with you and keeps coming back because you are a door mat. Pick up the mat and slam the door once and for all. Why does he do this? Because you allow it. 2
Larryville Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 I don’t know about anyone else, but YOU are the problem. Dude sounds mentally ill but you seem to take this “breaking up” often thing like clouds rolling it. You must look in the mirror and ask why is this dysfunctional situation ok with YOU? When people become comfortable with dysfunction must ask themselves why? 2
Author primer Posted December 27, 2016 Author Posted December 27, 2016 It was totally a platonic female friend I met out. We have been friends since kindergarten. She has no family - both of her parents died when we were young (12ish). She has no kids of her own and recently divorced. BF and I do have good times together. We enjoy the same things and have the same sense of humor. But - Christmas? Really?
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Then make it the very last time he does that to you and this break up is definitive. My question to you is why do you put up with this BS at your age? I can understand young people putting up with sh$t because of inexperience and the need to learn their lessons on their own BUT at 40+ we went through sh$t already, we've learn our lessons, we know people don't change, we know what disrespect looks like so why keep on putting up with it? Fear to me alone? Primer, I met a great guy at age 50. There is no age to find the right partner and offer ourselves a great relationship. 2
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 But - Christmas? Really? Why not Christmas? You took his sh$tty behavior before and he had never ruined your Xmas before so why not ruin it for you this year! He is just doing what all manipulative people do, he's pushing it a little further each time. 2
Author primer Posted December 27, 2016 Author Posted December 27, 2016 Then make it the very last time he does that to you and this break up is definitive. My question to you is why do you put up with this BS at your age? I can understand young people putting up with sh$t because of inexperience and the need to learn their lessons on their own BUT at 40+ we went through sh$t already, we've learn our lessons, we know people don't change, we know what disrespect looks like so why keep on putting up with it? Fear to me alone? Primer, I met a great guy at age 50. There is no age to find the right partner and offer ourselves a great relationship. I like spending time with him. We have fun together. There are good points. He is financially responsible and a hard worker (not a lot of men like that around here.) I read how no relationships are perfect. I think that is why I stay.
smackie9 Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 I can see that any comment made about your BF's behavior towards you, has been falling on your deaf ears for the last 8 years (I didn't any intention of making this a rhyme lol) You are in such denial that he has piss poor communication skills, and for someone that is in their 40's still acts so childish. Look huh, he is set in his ways and non of this is going to change. You are right, you can't marry someone that treats you that was...it's immature, unstable and unreliable. He has been proving that for the last 8 years. It's time to GET OUT. If you are not happily married by now, it is not going to happen. I'm sure you have friends and family telling you the same damn thing......how about turning a new leaf and start listening....... 3
Redhead14 Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 It was totally a platonic female friend I met out. We have been friends since kindergarten. She has no family - both of her parents died when we were young (12ish). She has no kids of her own and recently divorced. BF and I do have good times together. We enjoy the same things and have the same sense of humor. But - Christmas? Really? We enjoy the same things and have the same sense of humor. -- Great, as long as you always/only do things you enjoy and have things to joke about, the relationship is fine??? This guy isn't a boyfriend, he's just a guy you've been hanging out with for years. His behavior is unacceptable. It's immature, insensitive, controlling, abusive and disrespectful. 3
Miss Peach Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 What you posted is the kind of stuff my ex-husband used to do to me. IME it's about control and there is probably some emotional abuse and codependency in the dynamic. It was really difficult to leave HIM but I'm so happy I did. I am such a different person now and can see how much he brought me down. 5
Author primer Posted December 27, 2016 Author Posted December 27, 2016 I can see that any comment made about your BF's behavior towards you, has been falling on your deaf ears for the last 8 years (I didn't any intention of making this a rhyme lol) You are in such denial that he has piss poor communication skills, and for someone that is in their 40's still acts so childish. Look huh, he is set in his ways and non of this is going to change. You are right, you can't marry someone that treats you that was...it's immature, unstable and unreliable. He has been proving that for the last 8 years. It's time to GET OUT. If you are not happily married by now, it is not going to happen. I'm sure you have friends and family telling you the same damn thing......how about turning a new leaf and start listening....... I don't talk to anyone about this. Only this anonymous message board. 1
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 I like spending time with him. We have fun together. There are good points. He is financially responsible and a hard worker (not a lot of men like that around here.) I read how no relationships are perfect. I think that is why I stay. Your fears are normal. When we've been in a long term relationship we always think we won't find anyone better, or we won't find someone else at all. It's always proven false. Relationships aren't perfect but main ingredients have to be there, respect, consideration, patience, compromise, trust, communication, love. The man can be fun all he wants but if he does not respect you or has consideration for you than what is he good for. 1
Redhead14 Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 I don't talk to anyone about this. Only this anonymous message board. You need to have a good support system. Talk to someone you trust. Go to a therapist if you have to. You need to get out of your HEAD. Because whatever thought process/emotional state you are currently operating from is failing you. You need some real, outside perspective on this. Yes, these boards can be good for that, but real, face to face conversation is needed. Keep posting here. We will be as supportive as possible, but, I for one will not hold your hand and coddle you by telling you it's going to be OK, he will change, etc. Your situation has crossed into the territory where you just plain need a reality check/kick in the butt to get you to focus and see things for what they are! 2
mikeylo Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 He could be upset that you spent the day with your friend and felt left out. Maybe this is his communication style? If things havent settled in 8 years, why would they suddenly now? 3
Miss Peach Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 I don't talk to anyone about this. Only this anonymous message board. Actually that was one of my mistakes too when I was married. I didn't have a sounding board for how crazy and unhealthy things had become. Do you have someone IRL to confide to? Or can you see a therapist? Seeing the reactions on people's faces when I actually told them what happened really helped confirm this wasn't right for me. 2
clia Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Why weren't the two of you spending Christmas Eve together? What was he out doing? 1
smackie9 Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 I read how no relationships are perfect. I think that is why I stay. It's one thing to put up with him leaving his underwear on the floor, or not put the cap back on the toothpaste or dislikes some of your friends, it's another when he constantly punishes you with threats of ending the relationship when he gets upset over something that is a normal non threatening activity such as going to hangout with a friend. I see money is one of the reasons you keep looking the other way and there are no men with financially stability available. IMO you are just making excuses. You even said you can't marry him if he keeps wanting to dump you.....you are his doormat, you let him keep wiping his feet on you and YOU know what would happen if you stood up for yourself and stopped tolerating his behavior.....that's why you do nothing. Nothing = nothing.....nothing is going to change unless you DO standup for yourself, and either demand change from him, or walk away from him. 2
Redhead14 Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 I read how no relationships are perfect. I think that is why I stay. -- You stay because you have your head buried in the sand. Apparently, you don't share with or talk to other people about this and get feedback and clarity about what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship and/or refuse to accept the truth of your situation and don't want to be alone. No woman in their 40's who is secure, focused on her needs and fully independent would tolerate 8 years of this kind of treatment. In fact, even a woman in her 40's who isn't fully independent would tolerate that. She'd sleep under a bridge before continuing to stay with any man who treats her so poorly. Do you live together? Are you dependent on him for financial support? Do you have a job? 2
Author primer Posted December 27, 2016 Author Posted December 27, 2016 Why weren't the two of you spending Christmas Eve together? What was he out doing? He was working.
Author primer Posted December 27, 2016 Author Posted December 27, 2016 It's one thing to put up with him leaving his underwear on the floor, or not put the cap back on the toothpaste or dislikes some of your friends, it's another when he constantly punishes you with threats of ending the relationship when he gets upset over something that is a normal non threatening activity such as going to hangout with a friend. I see money is one of the reasons you keep looking the other way and there are no men with financially stability available. IMO you are just making excuses. You even said you can't marry him if he keeps wanting to dump you.....you are his doormat, you let him keep wiping his feet on you and YOU know what would happen if you stood up for yourself and stopped tolerating his behavior.....that's why you do nothing. Nothing = nothing.....nothing is going to change unless you DO standup for yourself, and either demand change from him, or walk away from him. On Christmas Day I did stand up for myself and tell him I do not feel secure in our relationship and I would never marry him. He came back telling me he thinks we can make it work.
Author primer Posted December 27, 2016 Author Posted December 27, 2016 I read how no relationships are perfect. I think that is why I stay. -- You stay because you have your head buried in the sand. Apparently, you don't share with or talk to other people about this and get feedback and clarity about what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship and/or refuse to accept the truth of your situation and don't want to be alone. No woman in their 40's who is secure, focused on her needs and fully independent would tolerate 8 years of this kind of treatment. In fact, even a woman in her 40's who isn't fully independent would tolerate that. She'd sleep under a bridge before continuing to stay with any man who treats her so poorly. Do you live together? Are you dependent on him for financial support? Do you have a job? We do live together in a house that I own. I do not depend on him at all for financial support. Our money is totally separate. I work full-time.
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 End it once and for all. this relationship is so unhealthy and as you said, you don't feel secure or even loved by him. 8 years is just way too long. He's not husband material.
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 On Christmas Day I did stand up for myself and tell him I do not feel secure in our relationship and I would never marry him. He came back telling me he thinks we can make it work. How? What will do that's any different that what he's done in the past? He's so used to life with you, he puts in no effort. END IT.
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 On Christmas Day I did stand up for myself and tell him I do not feel secure in our relationship and I would never marry him. He came back telling me he thinks we can make it work. You stood up for yourself?? In my town standing up for myself sounds like: Get out of my house and I don't want to see your ugly face again! You own your home, you work full time, give him till Dec 31st, 18h to GET OUT. Start 2017 a new woman ! You know it's a matter of time for this relationship to be over permanently so why delay? You're in your 40s, you can find someone genuine that will enhance your life for many years to come! 2
anika99 Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 (edited) I had a years long relationship with a personality disordered man (diagnosed borderline personality) and he acted much the same way. He would have huge meltdowns and then break up with me over the stupidest things. Things that were so minor most people would wonder if they were even worth mentioning let alone break up. Things like I didn't compliment him enough for doing the dishes, or I looked away for a moment when he was talking to me. The one thing that drove him absolutely nuts within minutes was not being able to get ahold of me. If I went out for an hour or so and forgot my phone and he called within that short span of time he would lose his mind. First he would leave a somewhat normal sounding voicemail saying hey, call me back. Five minutes later it would be another voicemail saying something along the lines of, I don't have time to play your games so you better call me back. By the third voicemail he was calling me names and telling me he never wanted to look at my lying face again. That would all happen within the first 15 to 20 minutes of him not knowing where I was and not being able to reach me on the phone. Every breakup felt real as he would turn as cold as ice and refuse to even talk to me for days, sometimes weeks. Then when I would accept the end and stop trying to talk to him, he would suddenly do a 180 and start pursuing me again. He would become his usual charming and affectionate self and minimize his earlier behaviour and verbal abuse by saying he was just mad and all couples fight and say things they don't mean and that I shouldn't be so sensitive. He also loved to ruin holidays, birthdays, weddings, etc. Pretty much any special occasion were high risk days for him. If he didn't destroy the actual day he destroyed the day immediately before or after. Looking back I cannot think of a good rational explanation for my staying with the guy as long as I did. It defies logic and I can only surmise that the stress, the push pull, the extreme highs and the lowest lows, the walking on eggshells, all those things broke me and I became a shell. I became emotionally sick as he was. The thing that made me finally leave was that it started to escalate a lot towards the end. It was becoming physical and thankfully that was my line in the sand. This doesn't get better. It stays the same or it gets worse. Never better. Get out. Edited December 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Recommended Posts