python23 Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Hello guys, merry Christmas and best wishes to all I've been dating a girl now for over 7 weeks. A few facts. We slept together on the 2nd date. We usually see each other 1-2 times a week. She comes over sometimes and sometimes we go out and do something. She's very keen, lives locally and text me a lot. She's usually the one to text first. She's reasonably attractive. There's just something missing. I've asked myself has she made it too easy? I'm bored already. I'm 27 and she's 23 by the way. Now I've been in love twice, both times so strong. And both times took me a while to get over. I'd be excited to see those girls, I'd be nervous. At the time it was brilliant but love is blind and on both occasions the girl broke it off with me. I don't have that passion for this girl, we have a laugh, she's very affectionate, I'm certainly myself around her but I can quite easily take her or leave her. Now some people have told me I should appreciate how much this girl is in to you as I've been chasing the wrong girls in the past. My dad says not all relationships are butterflies and fairy tails, but I'm my opinion I disagree. I think it should be like that. I would appreciate anyone's advice or experience on this.
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 My dad says not all relationships are butterflies and fairy tails, but I'm my opinion I disagree. I think it should be like that. I would appreciate anyone's advice or experience on this. And a lot of people that think it should always be butterflies and fairy tales end up in their 40s still single with lots of dating behind but nothing concrete to show for. No I don't think it should always start with butterflies and fairy tales but your appreciation, attraction, interest should grow a little bit each time you spend time together. If it doesn't after 5-6 dates than it won't magically grow out of nowhere and you should go to next. I did not feel butterflies and fairy tales with my current boyfriend (dating 1 year) but each time we had a date I liked him more and I grew completely crazy about him. Nothing in our relationship is missing because initially I didn't feel butterflies. Actually I felt something much better than butterflies, I felt curiosity and respect toward him. 1
Author python23 Posted December 27, 2016 Author Posted December 27, 2016 Thanks for your reply, I understand that feelings can grow but 7 weeks in I'm not incredibly keen to see her. She comes over, head locked into her phone which I've commented on, I feel like she she's around it's as if we've been together for 5 years. There's no excitement to see her.
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Thanks for your reply, I understand that feelings can grow but 7 weeks in I'm not incredibly keen to see her. She comes over, head locked into her phone which I've commented on, I feel like she she's around it's as if we've been together for 5 years. There's no excitement to see her. Then you should not pursue this. If she is on her phone when she is with you than she is not that keen on you either, right. Go to next.
GunslingerRoland Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Well that isn't a good sign if she's coming over and ignoring you to use her phone, but again it depends on how often you are seeing each other. If you are together almost every night, it's very different than if you see each other a couple of times a week. There should be a lot of passion at the start of the relationship, but like others I don't know if the lack of butterflies is that big of a deal. That is such a temporary thing that I don't see how the lack of it, is going to affect anything long term.
Author python23 Posted December 27, 2016 Author Posted December 27, 2016 (edited) I disagree on the phone bit, I think she's addicted to her phone and she's admitted that, I think she's just very comfortable with me now and feels it's ok, I just feel it's gone stagnant.il take your advice and move on in the new year. Gunslingerowland we see each other twice a week. She's very bad for pointlessly strolling down her fb timeline and Snapchat. I can imagine it will only get worse and there should be much more excitement from me Edited December 27, 2016 by python23
Redhead14 Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Butterflies, passion, endorphin highs are not sustainable as a constant or forever. If you have all that in the very beginning, yeah, it's great, but you need to balance that with reality and focus on the more "concrete" aspects of the relationship that you will be experiencing more "constantly"/consistently -- how well you get along, how you each handle stress and adversity, can you be supportive of one another, financial management attitudes, etc. People are blinded by the early endorphin high they get and ride that high and when they reach their first "blip" on the screen, they fall from that high and land hard. Or, they never stop riding the high and simply aren't focused on their real needs and wants and goals. If a person can balance the early excitement and focus more on the person as a person, when they hit a bump, they aren't so surprised or disillusioned. Life happens over and over again. A good partner helps you get through life. A good relationship has highs and lows. If it doesn't, it usually means there isn't good communication and/or connection. I'd be excited to see those girls, I'd be nervous -- That's a lot of pressure and stress to feel and it wears you down. You're excited/nervous/insecure, etc. That comes across in ways you don't even realize. People often comment on how in the beginning of a relationship everything felt so good, etc. and they carry around a lot of insecurity and fear of losing that and how they want to feel more comfortable and secure. But when they get to that point, they are longing for the early stage again, when, in fact, they've actually reached the holy grail. Comfort, security in the relationship. Sure, maybe they aren't all over each other any more, but that is something that can be addressed, negotiated, etc. but all the other things that make a relationship -- like trust, comfort, security are a little harder to get back once it's gone or broken. I'm certainly myself around her -- That is very important and gives you both the opportunity to see and experience who you really are and really evaluate. Focus on the "real" and lasting aspects of the relationship before you make any decisions. Realize that you can leap from girl to girl for that "endorphin" fix a lot of times and that is about immediate gratification not the long-term fulfillment of goals based on reality and insight. but I can quite easily take her or leave her. -- Spend a little time thinking about leaving her or having her leave you . . . 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Hello guys, merry Christmas and best wishes to all I've been dating a girl now for over 7 weeks. A few facts. We slept together on the 2nd date. We usually see each other 1-2 times a week. She comes over sometimes and sometimes we go out and do something. She's very keen, lives locally and text me a lot. She's usually the one to text first. She's reasonably attractive. There's just something missing. I've asked myself has she made it too easy? I'm bored already. I'm 27 and she's 23 by the way. Now I've been in love twice, both times so strong. And both times took me a while to get over. I'd be excited to see those girls, I'd be nervous. At the time it was brilliant but love is blind and on both occasions the girl broke it off with me. I don't have that passion for this girl, we have a laugh, she's very affectionate, I'm certainly myself around her but I can quite easily take her or leave her. Now some people have told me I should appreciate how much this girl is in to you as I've been chasing the wrong girls in the past. My dad says not all relationships are butterflies and fairy tails, but I'm my opinion I disagree. I think it should be like that. I would appreciate anyone's advice or experience on this. If you've been madly in love with two women by the time you're 27, it stands to reason IMO that it will probably happen again. I, myself compare the women I date to previous women I have dated and to a lesser degree platonic women. If I have an absolutely AMAZING connection with a woman I have dated then I will look to that as the standard of connection I am looking for. Obviously that has never happened. But that is very rational thinking. Emotional attraction can be very irrational. Two of the women I was madly in love with when I was younger (neither of whom I even dated) when I look back at it ... it was complete nonsense. So, you have to put the pieces together in your own head.
Author python23 Posted December 27, 2016 Author Posted December 27, 2016 (edited) Junejulyseptember, and the previous, thanks for the replies. I agree with you. Even though looking back at the two previous girls. The relationships were short, one wasn't over her ex and now I can see that it wasn't a real relationship. Although at he time it was so powerful. I was stupidly in love with both of them. With experience, I've learnt to be more rational when it comes to dating. Observe peoples feelings towards you and don't get too carried away like I have done in the past. But the initial attraction and excitement should be there. I should look at my girlfriend with a smile and think that she is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Not, "she's coming over tonight, which is an inconvenience, I'd rather play my PlayStation" Edited December 27, 2016 by python23
GunslingerRoland Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 I should look at my girlfriend with a smile and think that she is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Not, "she's coming over tonight, which is an inconvenience, I'd rather play my PlayStation" That is very different than a lack of spark. If you are seeing her twice a week and aren't even excited for that, there is clearly something wrong. That said, it's concerning that you've never had a relationship move past the initial spark stage. You might need to reevaluate why you can't be interested in a woman without that.
Redhead14 Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 At 7 weeks, you can't "know" that she's the best thing that ever happened to you because you have not been through everything, even anything, with her. And, if you'd rather play PlayStation, then let her go. You aren't doing her any favors by stringing her along if you're feeling this ambivalent. In fact, this isn't ambivalence, its complete lack of interest in her. 1
Author python23 Posted December 27, 2016 Author Posted December 27, 2016 That is very different than a lack of spark. If you are seeing her twice a week and aren't even excited for that, there is clearly something wrong. That said, it's concerning that you've never had a relationship move past the initial spark stage. You might need to reevaluate why you can't be interested in a woman without that. Who says I've never had a relationship past the initial spark stage? Don't assume anything, my longest relationship was just under 3 years and I loved her too, was it a stupid crazy love like the two I've mentioned? No, but it was more than what I have with this girl.
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 At 7 weeks, you can't "know" that she's the best thing that ever happened to you because you have not been through everything, even anything, with her. I was going to comment on that part too. OP, at 7 weeks there is no 'she is the best thing'. I have been dating my BF 1 year and we see each other daily and I am STILL not ready to say he is the best thing that happened to me. I think you can only call someone 'the best thing that has ever happen to you' when you are ready to marry her.
Redhead14 Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Who says I've never had a relationship past the initial spark stage? Don't assume anything, my longest relationship was just under 3 years and I loved her too, was it a stupid crazy love like the two I've mentioned? No, but it was more than what I have with this girl. just under 3 years and I loved her too, was it a stupid crazy love like the two I've mentioned? -- And, how'd that work for you? You can keep chasing the "vision", the dream and doing the same thing over and over again or you can try to do things a little differently at least once. But, I think you just plain aren't into this one AT ALL.
Author python23 Posted December 27, 2016 Author Posted December 27, 2016 I was going to comment on that part too. OP, at 7 weeks there is no 'she is the best thing'. I have been dating my BF 1 year and we see each other daily and I am STILL not ready to say he is the best thing that happened to me. I think you can only call someone 'the best thing that has ever happen to you' when you are ready to marry her. I wasn't saying I should be saying that at 7 weeks, that would be silly, I just don't think right now il ever think that about her,
GunslingerRoland Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Who says I've never had a relationship past the initial spark stage? Don't assume anything, my longest relationship was just under 3 years and I loved her too, was it a stupid crazy love like the two I've mentioned? No, but it was more than what I have with this girl. Sorry I misunderstood I thought your only previous relationships were the two short ones with the "spark girls". But my point still stands, even though you had a 3 year relationship without a girl you're still fixated on the two shorter relationships you had with a spark. So why do you feel like the spark is so important? And why are you so completely disinterested in the girl you have now?
Author python23 Posted December 27, 2016 Author Posted December 27, 2016 just under 3 years and I loved her too, was it a stupid crazy love like the two I've mentioned? -- And, how'd that work for you? You can keep chasing the "vision", the dream and doing the same thing over and over again or you can try to do things a little differently at least once. But, I think you just plain aren't into this one AT ALL. That relationship just fizzled out, she didn't break my heart, we just became like friends and are still friendly to this day.
Author python23 Posted December 27, 2016 Author Posted December 27, 2016 Sorry I misunderstood I thought your only previous relationships were the two short ones with the "spark girls". But my point still stands, even though you had a 3 year relationship without a girl you're still fixated on the two shorter relationships you had with a spark. So why do you feel like the spark is so important? And why are you so completely disinterested in the girl you have now? I wouldn't say fixated is the correct word, looking back those two girls didn't really offer much apart from great sex and amazing looks. I was too blind at the time. But my opinion on a portential gf is that should at least want to see her twice a week, if I'm not fussed then she's clearly the wrong girl. It's not fair on her either. I think I've answered my own question 2
CobraX Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Thanks for your reply, I understand that feelings can grow but 7 weeks in I'm not incredibly keen to see her. She comes over, head locked into her phone which I've commented on, I feel like she she's around it's as if we've been together for 5 years. There's no excitement to see her. This is kind of a small thing. You get this nit picky with people you don't care enough about. Maybe give it some more time and see if something develops. Otherwise, you need to start figuring out why bad girls get you so excited! Listen, love isn't butterflies and fairy tales. That crap is for 12 year old girls. Love is hard work and commitment.
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