She initiated contact with me for the first time in ten months?

[silver90]

Hi everyone! I had an account on here I used frequently up until about six months ago. I guess you could say that I stopped using it because I genuinely never expected to hear from my ex again. Safe to say now that I was wrong!

 

Long story short, my ex and I dated for over a year, and a turbulent year it was. She was much younger than me (in maturity, not age) and we ended up running into many issues due to the fact that she was simply not ready to be an adult, let alone a commitment. She was also diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder when we were together. We would reach new intimate heights in the relationship then she get scared and would run away, eventually to return. She always placed all the blame for our relationship's problems on herself, but she could never seem to stop repeating her patterns.

 

We amicably broke up since she was going through a *very* rough time personally that was ravaging the relationship. We both had full intentions to return to each other, it was just well acknowledged on both sides that she had to get her life together before that ever happened. She knew that she truly was hurting me, and that killed her. So we kept in touch for a few months after the breakup, but I (incorrectly) kept asking her to speak about what had happened between us when she wasn't ready and she eventually bolted - no contact, no answers, nothing. It is my fault for being overbearing at that time and I have apologized many times for my actions since (she has accepted graciously).

 

We have spoken a few times since (we ran into each other on the street twice, spoke twice via text) but that's been it for ten months. She does this thing where she will initiate plans, then disappear. For instance, one time we saw each other on the street, and she was visibly emotional over seeing me, told me that she loved and missed me, asked me out to dinner, but when I followed up to confirm the plans days later, she went no contact again.

 

Our relationship was the best either of us had ever been in, honestly truly in love. She would always tell me that she never loved anyone more in her life and that I was her best friend, but these things are very bittersweet when someone is extremely intimidated by you and the commitment you warrant. It seems the more they love you, the more scared they get, and the more they will push you away

 

That's a (very short) bit of background. Now to the current situation –

 

My birthday was on December 22nd and I woke up with a text from her on December 17th that was sent at 3:00 in the morning. It simply said "I hope that you're doing well. Your birthday is coming up". I responded the following day, she responded two more times, then she stopped responding altogether.

 

I spoke to a few of my friends about this and they are baffled. She baits then runs constantly, pulling me in to push me away. Do you think that is what this is again? One of my friends also said that maybe she was actually platonically just wishing me well, but at 3 o'clock in the morning? When she hasn't initiated contact with me in ten months? I cannot help but think there might be more of a motive... Also, if it was truly about wishing me a happy birthday, why not just do so on the actual day? Why try to drum up a conversation, especially in the middle of the night? It's as if she wanted me to know that she was thinking about it, that she remembered the day, and was thinking about me. But why? She is *well aware* of the fact that we are *not* friends and how madly I love her and would love to be with her again – we hadn't even had a back and forth conversation in four months!

 

She is truly my heart and I would love to be with her again one day. Therefore, I will not push her and hope she comes around again when she is truly ready for a commitment. Sometimes I think she does this every once in a while just to bait me, to keep her in my head so that when she is ready, she could come back around. I'm still in shock that she initiated anything.

 

I heard that she has started therapy again recently and genuinely hope that she is doing well. I'm proud of her.

 

Any experiences, advice, or thoughts would be very helpful. Thank you

[Marc878]

Breadcrumbs so that she knows she still matters.

 

You can't move on do you are where you are.

 

I suspect a year from now you'll still be waiting

[BC1980]

This basically sounds like the same behavior that she exhibited while in the relationship. Like you said, she baits and then leaves. So her contact really isn't promising. As for it being at 3:00 AM, I think you could read a few things into that. Maybe she was drunk? Maybe she was up all night thinking? She might have sent that text on impulse, and later regretted doing so. Either way, no matter what time she sent the text, her behavioral pattern is still the same. I think that's what you need to focus on. She hasn't changed.

 

This relationship sounds like the basic push pull relationship. You chase, she runs away, some time passes, and she returns, and all this keeps repeating itself. That's not a healthy dynamic to be in. You said this is the best relationship you've been in, but this is not a stable, functional relationship. I think you probably just feel a high from having to chase her all the time. Those kind of relationships do have their own appeal and can be intoxicating. Someone that is hard to get is automatically more attractive. I'm sure you do love her a lot, but loving someone doesn't change the relationship.

[hannahph]

The optimal way to clear up this situation would be to talk to her, try to understand her motives which only she knows, but without the ability to communicate, that seems out of the question. It sounds like she still has some feelings for you, but mostly, she wants to know you still care instead of pursuing anything deeper. Hopefully one day she will mature enough to be able to enter into a loving, reciprocal relationship with you, but until then try to guard your heart from unnecessary hurt.