She left me after 5 years because of my depression.

[Tyler_Tyrell]

Hey there, I'm new around here and I'd like to hear some opinions about my story. I'll try too keep it short, although it won't be easy. It'll probably be a wall of text. Oh, and English isn't my first language, excuse any mistakes!

 

A little background: I'm a 31 year old male and she's 30.

 

So... about 2 months ago my girlfriend left me after 5 years because of my depression. But don't get her wrong: she had her reasons. It's not easy to be with someone who often feels empty, apathethic, uninterested in most activities - while she's quite full of life, almost the opposite of me. I had always underestimated the problem (until recently - I'm seeing a psychotherapist) and in the last couple of years we've had our fair share of falling outs, which I was always able to reconcile within a few hours. She always seemed to be so deeply in love with me that she'd never consider ending our relationship. Until she did.

 

About 6 months ago, my father died of cancer. It was very painful (for him, as he suffered a lot, and for me and my mother), it happened all of sudden and, because of this, my depression got worse. However, my girlfriend was already at her last legs of tolerance, and she called it a day 2 months ago. She couldn't bear it anymore to live with my pain. We've had grown too emotionally distant, it was almost like we'd become two strangers - and it was something I was feeling too.

 

In the month following our break-up, we kept in touch. She wasn't sure of what she wanted. She said she ideally wanted to get back with me, but she wanted me to do something about my problems (and that's why I started to see a psychotherapist - something I'm very happy of, as she's very good and I finding therapy quite useful). Even then, though, she gave me no real reassurance we would eventually get back: maybe yes, maybe no, she wasn't sure. And she wasn't sure how long our break-up would last: maybe some months, maybe more, she didn't know. Alle she knew was that she wanted to stay away from me for some time and have some space for herself. In the meantime, she started to go out with friends more than ever, she even made some new friends. I struggled to find her at home! I spent my days obsessing over what she might be doing and I was sure she'd started to see some other guy (which apparently wasn't true). I did all the opposite of what I should've done. She wanted space, and I pestered her with calls; she wanted some time for herself, and I kept asking her about our relationship. We went on like this for a month before I couldn't bear it anymore (and I'm sure she couldn't too). The situation was killing me and I was overwhelmed with paranoid thoughts about her.

 

On December 6th I called her one last time and when she refused once again to give me another chance, I told her to never, ever get in touch with me again. I had lost control and I accused her of taking me for a fool, lying about her love for me and about her intentions to get back with me. We argued very harshly, I was verbally aggressive and I'm not proud of that (although she did say some nasty things to me too). That was the last time we had any contact.

 

Recently I spoke with a common friend. Apparently she's still spending most of her time out with friends as a means to get distracted and not think about me. However, it seems she's not seeing any new boyfriend at the moment. It also seems she has currently no intentions of calling me back, although she often asks about me to our common friends.

 

Now... what should I do? I'm very conflicted about it. Should I keep the No Contact thing going? Should I send her a text to say I'm sorry of how I behaved last time and that I'd like to speak with her again if that's okay for her too? I fear that someday she might want to get back in touch, but she wouldn't do that both because I told her not to, and because she's still upset for how I treated her the last time we spoke on phone. However, I also fear that reopening any communication with her would take me back to square one and wipe out any progress I've made so far in healing up.

 

I feel that's mostly my fault, for everything. And that's probably the way it is. We once were so deeply in love, we were so important for each other. And now she's gone, all of that is lost and it seems so unreal. I feel so powerless and empty. What should I do? I know I have problems to solve first, I know I have to think about myself first and foremost, but it all seems so hard without her in my life. I'd like to hear some opinions.

 

Thank you if you've read through all of this!

[ExpatInItaly]

First of all, I'm sorry for the loss of your father, and good for you for seeking help. It sounds like this has been a terribly stressful time and I think it's great that you're finding therapy beneficial.

 

Second, and many will probably disagree, I don't feel it would be awful to apologize for harsh words you exchanged. I get the sense you genuinely feel bad about it, and don't want her to believe you meant it. However, if you do reach out, I would keep it a short and simple message and not expect a reply. This should only be done if you can accept the fact that an apology is all it is; do not attempt to resume any talk of the relationship or ask about her personal life.

 

Third, understand that she had very likely already emotionally detached from you by the time she ended it. She is further along the healing process than you are. This is why she is out having fun and meeting new people. Sure, she probably has her sad moments and hopes you are okay. But she did the majority of her grieving already.

 

Finally, get yourself emotionally healthy again before attempting to date anyone. Dealing with depression is extraordinarily difficult for a partner and it would be far better to give yourself plenty of time to recover before considering entering a relationship again.

[Tyler_Tyrell]

Second, and many will probably disagree, I don't feel it would be awful to apologize for harsh words you exchanged. I get the sense you genuinely feel bad about it, and don't want her to believe you meant it. However, if you do reach out, I would keep it a short and simple message and not expect a reply. This should only be done if you can accept the fact that an apology is all it is; do not attempt to resume any talk of the relationship or ask about her personal life.

 

That's the problem: yeah, I want to apologize, but... I won't lie, underneath it all I want to get back with her. Or, at least, leave the door just a little bit open for whatever the future may bring. I know that's the least likely outcome, but you never know... unexpected things do happen from time to time. She did say she still loved me, even during the infamous last call.

 

I know that reopening that door may cost me the fragile stability I've achieved during these weeks. And yet, if I don't do it, I fear that I'll forever regret it.

 

I have to think about it thoroughly and decide if I want to keep a little spark of hope, while at the same time try to heal up... or just give up any hope and accept she's out of my life.

[Popsicle]

I'm sure she'd rather hear more about what you're doing to get better, than how much you want to be with her still. That would be more useful to her.

[Tyler_Tyrell]

I'm sure she'd rather hear more about what you're doing to get better, than how much you want to be with her still. That would be more useful to her.

 

Oh no, I would never talk about our relationship, nor ask her to give me another chance. It's a mistake I've already made many times.

 

The idea was to just send her a short text message to apologize and to tell her that, if she feels like getting in touch again, I'm okay with that. After that, it would be up to her. Assuming that we'd really start talking again, I'd try as much as possible to keep my feelings for myself and just show her my progresses.

 

But, again, I'm very conflicted about all of this. It would be very emotionally draining and I'm not sure I can take it right now.

[Popsicle]

But, again, I'm very conflicted about all of this. It would be very emotionally draining and I'm not sure I can take it right now.

 

Then don't do it. You can't be weak when you're trying to get back with someone.

[Tyler_Tyrell]

[]

 

I'm still seeing my psychotherapist and I plan to keep going for no less than a couple of months more. I admit I was a bit skeptical before starting to go, but it's actually helping me to cope with what's happened and what's currently happening.

 

As for my ex girlfriend... I recently had the chance to talk with one of her best female friends (not the one I had already spoken with, which was male). This month of no contact may have worked in my favor, at least somewhat: apparently, she has all but forgotten about me. She keeps asking about me and expressing concerns about my well-being; she also fears she may be losing me completely. Her friend also confirmed she's isn't seeing anybody else and it seems she hasn't still completely given up on the idea of trying again with me. Apparently she has also considered contacting me, but there are essentially three things stopping her from doing it. 1) I told her to never contact me again, ever. So she's respecting my choice. 2) She thinks now I hate her and that I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore. 3) A bit out of pride, as I didn't treat her well the last time we spoke on phone.

 

All of this has reinforced my idea of contacting her with a text message to apologize and to open again a communication channel. I'll probably do it on saturday, which would have been our 5th anniversary.

 

Based on what her friend has said, it would seem there are good chances for us to start talking again and try again with our relationship. But we'll see. People can be truly unpredictable and none of that may be of any importance. One thing I know for sure: should we ever start something again, I'd do my very best not to repeat the mistakes I already did both more recently and in the past.

Edited January 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to spammer post redacted ~6

[Standard-Fare]

I do think it's probably worth reaching out to her since you apparently expressed the exact opposite of how you actually feel the last time you spoke to her. (Telling her you never wanted to hear from her again.)

 

However, since she's already been through a lot of emotional baggage with you, and it sounds like you were draining and exhausting during the breakup, you need to be sure not to UNLOAD on her. As someone else suggested, keep things short and sweet.

 

I'd do a text or email that's something like: "Hey there. I need you to know that I really regret the things I said in anger the last time we spoke. It's not true that I never want to speak to you again. I won't make any assumptions about what you're feeling but if you ever think the time is right for a conversation or meetup, I am absolutely open to that. I will leave that up to you. In the meantime, I'm working on myself and making progress. I hope all is well."

 

Be prepared to not get any sort of response to that, or to get a response that's not encouraging. More than likely, the breakup was a final decision for her that won't be reversed. But I do think it's the right move for you to clear the air and erase some of the toxicity of your last encounter.

[Tyler_Tyrell]

Be prepared to not get any sort of response to that, or to get a response that's not encouraging. More than likely, the breakup was a final decision for her that won't be reversed. But I do think it's the right move for you to clear the air and erase some of the toxicity of your last encounter.

 

Based on what I heard from her friend (refer to my previous post) it would seem there may still be some hope, though.

 

I know I must go through all of this with little expectations, as the odds are not in my favour, not even if we take into account what her friend has said. Because, again, people are unpredictable. But still... there may be little hope left, but not zero hope, it would seem.

[Tyler_Tyrell]

There are news. Unexpectedly good news, too!

 

I texted her those apologies, and... she called me back almost immediately. We had a very positive, constructive conversation. She still loves me and she wants to give our relationship another chance. We'll meet in two days.

 

She still has some doubts about our compatibility as a couple: there were serious reasons why our relationship ended, but she's willing to work on our issues and she believes in my goodwill to become a better person and a better companion. I know I'll do my best to make things work this time.

Edited January 7, 2017 by Tyler_Tyrell