What I think people leave out when talking about coping

[DannyCA]

I'm probably gonna get yelled at, but hear me out.

 

I think when people give advice on coping, most give good advice. The usual work out, pick up new hobbies, reconnect with friends, date, etc. It gives you an outlet to better yourself individually and distract you from your ex.

 

For example, when you exercise, don't think of it as a way to look good to pick up people (that is inadvertently doing something for others, not yourself). Think of it this way: you're going to be thinking about your ex anyway, why not do it in a place while creating a healthier, better version of you? And that goes for the hobbies, etc.

 

Now here's what I think people leave out when talking about coping. And yes, I do understand everyone is different. First, if the love was real, it takes a long time to heal. Second, and more tragically, sometimes you may never get over your ex. But I think people leave out these details because that's not what a recent dumpee needs to hear.

 

And again, I understand that everyone is different, but let me give a few personal details on why I feel this way.

 

I am 25 and I have five ex's. Out of the five, I am only really friends with one (lets call her A, been broken up for 1.5 years). A and I still talk regularly and there is absolutely no hostility between us. She is even dating someone new and seeing the pics of her and her new bf don't phase me at all. And I really do mean that.

 

Then there is (lets call her C, been broken up for almost 4 years). Thinking about her still is a mix of emotions. Seeing pics of her and her bf are still a bit upsetting, but not as much. I never text her, but she still texts me randomly and it's still a whirlwind of emotions. I unfortunately still think about her a lot, but it is not nearly as frequent as before. The longest I have ever been NC with C was 8 months (and when I say NC I mean no social media or talking period). It was the most free I ever felt post BU, but it's my fault for breaking that.

 

And this is coming from a guy who followed what people said to do when coping. I've been on dates and have had two gf's since my BU with C. I've picked up new hobbies, reconnected with old friends and made so many new life long ones. I'm in the best shape of my life 6", 220 lbs (was 180 after BU). Every year I am getting in better shape. I've finally finished my undergrad (after taking some time off) and am starting grad school in Europe next fall. Hell, all of this was basically because of her. The BU was the motivation to be a better me.

 

This long post BU with C, I've come to terms that I may never fully heal from that BU, but I don't let that stop me from pushing on. And I say this because A and I are still really good friends, and my other 3 ex's, I have no idea what they are up to (and I mean it from the bottom of my heart) I don't care what they are up to.

 

So maybe you'll never fully heal from that BU with that certain ex, and personally, I think that's ok...

[guest572]

I don't think I will ever fully be over my exes. It's been 3 years since my first breakup and about 7 months since the other, which still feels quite raw. I am still quite angry and hurt by it all and I know it's going to take a while. I believe I will get over him because he didn't treat me very kindly. I am not sure if the pain will completely go away. That first breakup though, I still love him. I can find someone else better and fall in love again. It doesn't mean the wound will completely heal. As well as tips to distract and improve ourselves, I found exercise and socialising helpful in trying to get through depression.

[DannyCA]

I don't think I will ever fully be over my exes. It's been 3 years since my first breakup and about 7 months since the other, which still feels quite raw. I am still quite angry and hurt by it all and I know it's going to take a while. I believe I will get over him because he didn't treat me very kindly. I am not sure if the pain will completely go away. That first breakup though, I still love him. I can find someone else better and fall in love again. It doesn't mean the wound will completely heal. As well as tips to distract and improve ourselves, I found exercise and socialising helpful in trying to get through depression.

 

But I'm sure you're making progress because you talk about exercising and socializing. Just because you might not ever fully heal from a past BU, that doesn't mean you can't move on with your life.

 

And as long as you're not letting that past BU hinder your personal growth, I think it's ok to think about a past RS from time to time.

[basil67]

To be fair, I think some of us (like me) leave out the idea that one won't get over an ex because we have no concept of the idea. It's not about sheltering the poster.

[Bito]

Of course not. if you truly loved someone you will never fully get over them. Its a burden you will carry for your whole life. Most days it doesn't hurt much but your heart has a permanent scar. Treasure that. That scar makes you a stronger person. Continue to cultivate emotional intelligence and endurance and you will become a great man.

[Tayla]

Got "thru", not over.

 

Each one holds a place in wisdom and a time of experiences.

 

I get the OPS concept.

 

Of my ex's, the ones that I got Thru the emotional portion, I still carry a joy for them when I see success in their lives or they preserve thru life happenstances.

 

Only two come to mind that I carry grave discontent. and even then its on me to realize their flaws are their burdens not mine.

 

To cope when disappointed...discouraged? I tend to muck about, acknowledge it, and then use my anger in a resourceful way...to re-energize the spirit! Not to harm or be of ill will.

[DannyCA]

Got "thru", not over.

 

Each one holds a place in wisdom and a time of experiences.

 

I get the OPS concept.

 

Of my ex's, the ones that I got Thru the emotional portion, I still carry a joy for them when I see success in their lives or they preserve thru life happenstances.

 

Only two come to mind that I carry grave discontent. and even then its on me to realize their flaws are their burdens not mine.

 

To cope when disappointed...discouraged? I tend to muck about, acknowledge it, and then use my anger in a resourceful way...to re-energize the spirit! Not to harm or be of ill will.

 

 

I don't know if this is what you meant, but I've never thought about putting it that way. I got "over" all of my ex's except C, I only got "thru" that BU and honestly still am getting "thru" it. Like I said I don't think I'll ever fully heal from that BU. I think I'm going to carry that emotional scar forever even though I don't mean to do it intentionally.

[DarrenB]

You can only assume that you won't get over an ex. People who say they won't get over an ex, usually are in love with the other person, they were the ones who were dumped (aka the dumpee) and they're completely in-denial at the time. Unless you have psychological powers to foresee into every year until death then you can't directly say that you won't ever get over an ex.

 

Correct, if you were in fact in love with the other person, it may take a very long time to heal from it all. But realistically and factually, it's personal preference. We're not all the same, some people heal quicker some don't, regardless of whether there was 'true love' or not.

 

I don't think people leave out these details at all. There's still correspondence between the initial advice given and how to cope. Either way, why would someone need to continually bring up an ex during the stage or a process of healing and coping? you're attempting to forget them, not reconnect with them at every matter possible. It's not entirely necessary to give someone advice, but when someone chooses to then they'll analyze and give you support and advice to the very best extent they can, usually.

 

They definitely do not leave any specific details out either, especially in a way to 'protect the dumpee'. What the in-denial people have to realize, is that sometimes love and loss is a harsh reality. The sooner you realise that, the easier things will become. Why do I say that? I was in-denial myself during my last breakup, to quite the extent. I then came to the realization/s that it was over, whatever love was there has now diminished and there's nothing to salvage from the relationship, or the other person (depending on the severity of the breakup, whether it was bad or not etc).

 

I understand and agree to an extent, that a breakup and the aftermath of one can effect you greatly, but essentially it's up to you and only you to change that. Everyone's able to move forward and heal, some just believe they don't and choose not to.

[DannyCA]

You can only assume that you won't get over an ex. People who say they won't get over an ex, usually are in love with the other person, they were the ones who were dumped (aka the dumpee) and they're completely in-denial at the time. Unless you have psychological powers to foresee into every year until death then you can't directly say that you won't ever get over an ex.

 

Correct, if you were in fact in love with the other person, it may take a very long time to heal from it all. But realistically and factually, it's personal preference. We're not all the same, some people heal quicker some don't, regardless of whether there was 'true love' or not.

 

I don't think people leave out these details at all. There's still correspondence between the initial advice given and how to cope. Either way, why would someone need to continually bring up an ex during the stage or a process of healing and coping? you're attempting to forget them, not reconnect with them at every matter possible. It's not entirely necessary to give someone advice, but when someone chooses to then they'll analyze and give you support and advice to the very best extent they can, usually.

 

They definitely do not leave any specific details out either, especially in a way to 'protect the dumpee'. What the in-denial people have to realize, is that sometimes love and loss is a harsh reality. The sooner you realise that, the easier things will become. Why do I say that? I was in-denial myself during my last breakup, to quite the extent. I then came to the realization/s that it was over, whatever love was there has now diminished and there's nothing to salvage from the relationship, or the other person (depending on the severity of the breakup, whether it was bad or not etc).

 

I understand and agree to an extent, that a breakup and the aftermath of one can effect you greatly, but essentially it's up to you and only you to change that. Everyone's able to move forward and heal, some just believe they don't and choose not to.

 

And I also agree with you to an extent. You only can assume that you will never get over an ex, we're not all the same and some heal quicker than others, and I do believe everyone has the ability to move on.

 

Whether or not you are in denial that the RS is over, if they made a meaningful impact on your life you're going to be thinking about them. You said "Either way, why would someone need to continually bring up an ex during the stage or a process of healing and coping?". And I don't think it's about intentionally bringing them up, it's just about being human, and they will pop into your mind more often than not.

 

But I brought my own personal history to try and prove a point that it doesn't matter if you still think about them as long as you don't let it stop your life from continuing on.

 

I said that I have five ex's. Three of them I have no idea what they are doing and I don't care what they are doing. They are simply a part of my past that quite frankly doesn't mean much to me. And not to sound rude, but I don't ever give those three any thought. Then you have my ex who I am still friends with. There are no hostile feelings between us and she even is dating someone new and it doesn't bother me.

 

But then you have that one ex that still hurts a bit still to this day (almost 4 years later). Even though I still think about her all the time, I am in the best place I have ever been to date physically, mentally, educationally, and financially.

 

You said that everyone has the ability to heal and I agree. But my point is that maybe there might be that one ex that you never fully recover from. Maybe thats another harsh reality of love and loss? And just because you don't fully heal, that doesn't mean you can't continue to live a successful and meaningful life.

[Raina314]

Good stuff and I think you're right. Two of my exes I'm still really good friends with but am not at all bothered by them doing whatever with other girls. I even give them relationship advice when they ask and vice versa. This last ex is a whole other story. Though most days are fine now and I've even started feeling natural interest in other guys again, if I see he liked something I posted on fb or hear about him through the grape vine my heart starts pounding and it messes with me and I think it always will. He meant the world to me and I don't think I'll ever forget what that was like and how it felt to lose him.

 

I'm a homeowner, have a good job, a lot of friends, and a vibrant social life. Just like you, I'm definitely at my best and the breakup was motivation to get there. But yeah, I don't think he'll ever leave my heart entirely.

[guest572]

But I'm sure you're making progress because you talk about exercising and socializing. Just because you might not ever fully heal from a past BU, that doesn't mean you can't move on with your life.

 

And as long as you're not letting that past BU hinder your personal growth, I think it's ok to think about a past RS from time to time.

 

I was the 'dumper', but I am still going through hell. I was extremely hurt and utterly heartbroken. The breakup and tail end of the relationship were traumatic experiences for me. The worst time of my life. Yes, other people have experienced far worse things than me. I will get over him, but there will always be a bit of pain, anger or hurt, when I think of him. I'm quite sure of it. I am a very sensitive person and I wouldn't change it. My problem was that instead of thinking of the relationship/breakup from time to time, it was constantly in the forefront. I am getting on with my life, even though most of the time, it doesn't feel like I am.

[DannyCA]

Good stuff and I think you're right. Two of my exes I'm still really good friends with but am not at all bothered by them doing whatever with other girls. I even give them relationship advice when they ask and vice versa. This last ex is a whole other story. Though most days are fine now and I've even started feeling natural interest in other guys again, if I see he liked something I posted on fb or hear about him through the grape vine my heart starts pounding and it messes with me and I think it always will. He meant the world to me and I don't think I'll ever forget what that was like and how it felt to lose him.

 

I'm a homeowner, have a good job, a lot of friends, and a vibrant social life. Just like you, I'm definitely at my best and the breakup was motivation to get there. But yeah, I don't think he'll ever leave my heart entirely.

 

See and you're a perfect example of what I was talking about. You seem like you're in a great place even though you might think about your ex every now and then. It didn't stop you from continuing your life, being a homeowner, having a good job, and having good friends.

 

I used to think what was wrong with me for still thinking about and caring for that ex from so long ago? But I've come to the realization that my life has been moving forward and I am good.

 

You said your heart starts pounding when he likes something of yours on fb or you hear about him through the grapevine. Lol, I know the feeling all too well. Some people might call that "not moving on", I'd have to disagree

[DannyCA]

I was the 'dumper', but I am still going through hell. I was extremely hurt and utterly heartbroken. The breakup and tail end of the relationship were traumatic experiences for me. The worst time of my life. Yes, other people have experienced far worse things than me. I will get over him, but there will always be a bit of pain, anger or hurt, when I think of him. I'm quite sure of it. I am a very sensitive person and I wouldn't change it. My problem was that instead of thinking of the relationship/breakup from time to time, it was constantly in the forefront. I am getting on with my life, even though most of the time, it doesn't feel like I am.

 

I don't want to stray off topic, but that ex that I still think about, she broke up with me and she acted pretty cold for quite some time after. I've always wanted to call her out and tell her that she never cared. That the break up was easy for her. But I've always held my tongue because I always believed it might have been a front.

 

The first time we hung out after our break up was 2 years later. And keep in mind during these 2 years it was like we took turns trying to extend the olive branch and the other wouldn't have it. One thing I remember from our conversation was that she said "I think we couldn't have civil conversations during the last 2 years because we flip flopped so much. Either you were ok and I wasn't or I was ok and you weren't. We were never ok at the same time."

 

This made me realize that maybe she wasn't the cold hearted monster that I made her out to be in my mind, that maybe the break up wasn't as easy for her as I thought.

[umirano]

I'm the dumpee in the most recent BU. I maintain strict NC and I see nothing that'd change that in the future. I'm pretty sure my ex thinks that the BU is easy for me and that I never really cared in the first place.

 

It's odd. I wasn't as crazy about her as I was about the one before, but I'd say my love was far healthier this time. Anyway, I really loved her and in a way I feel like she let me down and left me right when things started to work out for her and when I could have used some of her support (mentally, I'm materially self-sufficient).

 

So now I'm mad at her and I'll not reach out nor will I gratify her reaching out.

 

So yeah, it might well look like I'm ok to her. And I guess I am, I mean, I definitely don't want to get back together. But I could be better.

[Earlybird2016]

This makes sense. I'm a year out of the breakup, I've done everything as advised (working out, going out with friends etc) and I've learned that it's unrealistic to think that time heals all wounds. Another poster said that it must be like starting at day one everyday and that's true.

 

If you love them - and I mean REALLY love them, without any damaging fallacies like one-itis or soulmate - then I think that love is stronger than the potential to heal.

 

I haven't initiated contact with my ex for nearly a year (though she texts every few weeks or so) and my experience has been that nothing will take away the pain to a worthwhile degree.

 

So yes, I agree with the OP.

[DarrenB]

And I also agree with you to an extent. You only can assume that you will never get over an ex, we're not all the same and some heal quicker than others, and I do believe everyone has the ability to move on.

 

Whether or not you are in denial that the RS is over, if they made a meaningful impact on your life you're going to be thinking about them. You said "Either way, why would someone need to continually bring up an ex during the stage or a process of healing and coping?". And I don't think it's about intentionally bringing them up, it's just about being human, and they will pop into your mind more often than not.

 

But I brought my own personal history to try and prove a point that it doesn't matter if you still think about them as long as you don't let it stop your life from continuing on.

 

I said that I have five ex's. Three of them I have no idea what they are doing and I don't care what they are doing. They are simply a part of my past that quite frankly doesn't mean much to me. And not to sound rude, but I don't ever give those three any thought. Then you have my ex who I am still friends with. There are no hostile feelings between us and she even is dating someone new and it doesn't bother me.

 

But then you have that one ex that still hurts a bit still to this day (almost 4 years later). Even though I still think about her all the time, I am in the best place I have ever been to date physically, mentally, educationally, and financially.

 

You said that everyone has the ability to heal and I agree. But my point is that maybe there might be that one ex that you never fully recover from. Maybe thats another harsh reality of love and loss? And just because you don't fully heal, that doesn't mean you can't continue to live a successful and meaningful life.

 

Fundamentally I speak from mainly only personal experiences and relations from various scenarios, so when it comes to giving out guidance, support or advice to someone regarding coping and moving forward, I would normally do as much as possible to give them a particular insight to favour them but to also not allow them to think that it's going to be easy, because well I guess we can both vouch and agree that it isn't.

 

But, negating how hard it can be and the harrowing memories that may remain, I think like you said it all comes down to whether your love between them was true. But also, I feel that sometimes people miss the experiences more than the actual person. I think if you were able to experience the same things but with a different person, then you might be able to 'forget' about the other person. Regardless, whether or not you do truly forget them or want to, is entirely up to you and can only be made possible from your own behalf, you cannot rely on anyone else to help you in that matter.

 

Yes, I do recall you stating your history between some women. Obviously you still feel slightly emotionally and mentally engaged with one of your ex's, for whatever reasons which I understand and can empathize for. If it's just lingering memories and thoughts about them, then yes I agree it isn't necessarily a game changer for them or you, and doesn't really affect your personal life, work life or other relationship/s with family and friends/lovers. Initially, I thought you meant that you are in a sense in-denial and are simply choosing not to forget them, so it's like a disturbance in periods of your life. Must have read wrong, my apologies. A lot of threads from members have been with that above scenario recently, so I apologize for any confusion in what I say.

 

When I go on about bringing up an ex and doing as much as possible to not do that during your time of grief, acceptance and healing, I mean that in a manner of which suffices enough for you to be able to acknowledge the situation properly, instead of thinking about them recurrently whilst you're still in a depressive/bargaining state. I think once you've built a particular foundation for yourself, then that's when thinking about them and such can be brought into the equation, either to just reminisce or to reminisce and in the process help you forget entirely. Like you say, it's sometimes not that easy to rid of someone entirely from your life, especially if you were so romantically invested in to them or there was genuine chemistry and romance between you. Again it's personal preference, but I feel once you've done the above, it does get easier and whether or not you do finally forget about them... only time will tell.

[DannyCA]

Fundamentally I speak from mainly only personal experiences and relations from various scenarios, so when it comes to giving out guidance, support or advice to someone regarding coping and moving forward, I would normally do as much as possible to give them a particular insight to favour them but to also not allow them to think that it's going to be easy, because well I guess we can both vouch and agree that it isn't.

 

But, negating how hard it can be and the harrowing memories that may remain, I think like you said it all comes down to whether your love between them was true. But also, I feel that sometimes people miss the experiences more than the actual person. I think if you were able to experience the same things but with a different person, then you might be able to 'forget' about the other person. Regardless, whether or not you do truly forget them or want to, is entirely up to you and can only be made possible from your own behalf, you cannot rely on anyone else to help you in that matter.

 

Yes, I do recall you stating your history between some women. Obviously you still feel slightly emotionally and mentally engaged with one of your ex's, for whatever reasons which I understand and can empathize for. If it's just lingering memories and thoughts about them, then yes I agree it isn't necessarily a game changer for them or you, and doesn't really affect your personal life, work life or other relationship/s with family and friends/lovers. Initially, I thought you meant that you are in a sense in-denial and are simply choosing not to forget them, so it's like a disturbance in periods of your life. Must have read wrong, my apologies. A lot of threads from members have been with that above scenario recently, so I apologize for any confusion in what I say.

 

When I go on about bringing up an ex and doing as much as possible to not do that during your time of grief, acceptance and healing, I mean that in a manner of which suffices enough for you to be able to acknowledge the situation properly, instead of thinking about them recurrently whilst you're still in a depressive/bargaining state. I think once you've built a particular foundation for yourself, then that's when thinking about them and such can be brought into the equation, either to just reminisce or to reminisce and in the process help you forget entirely. Like you say, it's sometimes not that easy to rid of someone entirely from your life, especially if you were so romantically invested in to them or there was genuine chemistry and romance between you. Again it's personal preference, but I feel once you've done the above, it does get easier and whether or not you do finally forget about them... only time will tell.

 

 

I agree with you. Thanks for the quality input, it's nice to converse with someone who can empathize but still remain indifferent and vice versa.

 

I definitely agree with you. I think a lot a people mistake "actually" missing the person because there was a genuine relationship, real chemistry, etc for missing the ultimately superficial "feelings" that came with the relationship. If you are to find someone who can give you those same "feelings", it would definitely move you along with forgetting the person. But if the love and relationship was genuine, it will definitely help you heal, but not forget. Because I feel personally, if the love was not real and the relationship was not genuine, you will forget about the person and your time together will not linger in your mind. Hence why I bring up the 3 ex's of mine which I do not know what they are doing nor do I care.

 

I had a conversation with another user on here and she said something that I never thought of, but completely agree with. She stated that "wrong timing BU's" can possibly linger more because it wasn't about an incompatibility issue, but rather timing. It is almost like bad luck was the sole reason for the split. There are a hundred reasons for an incompatibility BU, but only one for timing.

 

And the essential "bad luck" timing coupled with the idea that if you had met at a later, more mature time in your lives, makes the BU a tougher pill to swallow. Because honestly, there is no reason to believe the two of you could make it work in the future.

 

But here's where I don't want people to get confused. And like you said, people need to realize that missing a genuine relationship with genuine love is not the same thing as missing the feelings and the "high" and the non-loneliness of of being in a RS. This is where people need to be honest with themselves and determine was there an incompatibility issue or timing.

 

I bring up my personal experience to try and make my points more relatable and easier to understand. So that's why I say, even though I am in the best place of my life to date, in every aspect possible, and I am only getting better with each year, that one certain ex from a few years ago still lingers in my mind every now and then (but I'll say again I don't let that stop my life from pushing on.) I've met her a few times over the last few years and we are even more compatible now then we were when we were younger. But even though we would be better together now, both of our lives are continuing to move forward and that's simply life.

 

But like you said only time can tell.

[MeadowFlower]

Of course not. if you truly loved someone you will never fully get over them. Its a burden you will carry for your whole life. Most days it doesn't hurt much but your heart has a permanent scar. Treasure that. That scar makes you a stronger person. Continue to cultivate emotional intelligence and endurance and you will become a great man.

 

I think it could help if we remembered that, that our hearts may forever be scarred, and not to expect to necessarily 100% get over it or the person. Just heal as much as possible. And yes 'That scar makes you a stronger person'.

[jorgeg3d]

I think the only real way to get over an ex, especially an ex that you truly loved. Is when you find the next great love of your life. I feel this way because my recent ex was the love of my life. I had never felt a love like that before I had met her.

 

And before I met her, I was still not 100% over my previous ex. Only when I met and fell in love with my recent ex did I realize that I was fully over the previous one. So, sad but true this recent ex will take awhile to get over. I'm doing pretty well overall but I have setbacks still. Its been about 3 months.

Edited January 3, 2017 by jorgeg3d

[DannyCA]

I think the only real way to get over an ex, especially an ex that you truly loved. Is when you find the next great love of your life. I feel this way because my recent ex was the love of my life. I had never felt a love like that before I had met her.

 

And before I met her, I was still not 100% over my previous ex. Only when I met and fell in love with my recent ex did I realize that I was fully over the previous one. So, sad but true this recent ex will take awhile to get over. I'm doing pretty well overall but I have setbacks still. Its been about 3 months.

 

But you know from your past that it takes time and you will eventually get there. Three months is pocket change in terms of life and BU time.

 

Maybe you're right. Even though I have dated two girls since the ex from 4 years ago, I didn't have the same love for them as I did the one from so long ago. And maybe that's the final piece I need to fully recover from that BU 4 years ago.

 

But I am also conflicted because the girl I dated immediately after my BU from the ex 4 years ago I dated to try and heal. But she wanted marriage and kids and I wasn't ready for that (I'm still not.) So I don't want to jump into another relationship solely in the hopes that it will help me. That would be selfish on my part.

 

I simply live my life day to day attempting to be the best version of me that I can be. And all I can do is hope that the pieces fall into place.

[Raina314]

I think the only real way to get over an ex, especially an ex that you truly loved. Is when you find the next great love of your life. I feel this way because my recent ex was the love of my life. I had never felt a love like that before I had met her.

 

And before I met her, I was still not 100% over my previous ex. Only when I met and fell in love with my recent ex did I realize that I was fully over the previous one. So, sad but true this recent ex will take awhile to get over. I'm doing pretty well overall but I have setbacks still. Its been about 3 months.

 

I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I think you may be right. It's easy to say you you'll get over a painful breakup if you just live and work hard for yourself, but its natural to crave companionship. And for better or for worse, the relationship you had with the person you've loved most kind of sets the bar for what's to follow. You'll want the best you had, to some degree, even if it's not an obsessive, daily craving, until you find someone who exceeds said bar and then takes the "best you've ever had" place away from your ex.