thefooloftheyear Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 I quoted your entire post because..well, I could have written it. I met a wonderful woman about the same time frame as you, and pretty much the exact thing has happened. When I first met her I was...well, she's heavier than I expected, but, it wasn't a deal breaker. As I got to know her it became clear that she'd lost a lot of weight to get where she was now. I would not have been at all attracted to her at her previous weight. Like your GF, mine has put on over 15lbs since we met. Like yours, mine is amongst the most wonderful stable women I've met. She used to work out, but, almost since meeting me, stopped. I still get to the gym at least twice a week. Do I have an answer? Nope. All I know is she does treat me the best I've been treated in a long while. She LOVES to have sex with me and loves to be with me. I also, love being with her and having sex with her. Mind you, I'm still attracted to her even though, she's larger than I would normally be attracted to. That's because as I've gotten to know her, her strength of personality as big a turn on as anything. Also, I'm older - 56 - and no spring chicken myself. I've been dated plenty, and lived with a couple , of very attractive women who didn't treat me near as well and ignored my sexual needs. So, as you age, you gain perspective. I'm hoping I have, and I'm hoping that like you, I can see past the weight gain. I know I can as long as I'm still attracted to her. And that ill depend as much on how I'm treated, as anything else. That's great...and I am sure you will get 20 likes on your post and I am glad you are happy....but all it really means is that the weight gain is more important to him than it is to you...there is no "right" or "wrong".... Just like some women will never see anything positive in a guy that's 5'3" inches tall, no matter how great he is, some guys don't want heavy women..they shouldn't be made to be felt as shallow or unenlightened for it..... The only issue I would have is if a guy wanted a woman with a body like porn star, while they are out of shape and have a horrible physique themselves...There are plenty of those types out there.... TFY 1
BikerAccnt Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Just like some women will never see anything positive in a guy that's 5'3" inches tall, no matter how great he is, some guys don't want heavy women..they shouldn't be made to be felt as shallow or unenlightened for it..... Oh I agree, and I didn't mean to imply he was being shallow. I don't think having a physical preference makes anyone shallow any more than having a preference for someone with an advanced degree makes you "elitist". He also stated that he really liked her, and all I was suggesting in posting my situation, is he should look inside himself and see which is really important to him. And I'll be honest, if my GF gains too much more weight my feeling could well change. There will no doubt be a point where I won't be sexually attracted any longer, but again, he older I get the less important that become to me. Not the sex, that will always be important, but the physical requirements of my partner. The older I get, the more willing I am to alter my perceptions of attractive. I'm not the man I used to be, and I try to keep that in mind. 1
Formerfiveo Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 What activities do you do on your dates? Is there a lot of eating out? My advice is to set a goal - The fact that 2017 is right around the corner is perfect timing! Set a goal as a couple to complete a 5k, sprint triathlon, or something...so that you have to train together. I've seen it happen with couples, more than once, where the less fit member feels such satisfaction and accomplishment at completing something they never thought they could do, that they keep setting fitness goals for themselves. Just be warned...by next year she may be signing up for an Ironman and ask YOU to be her sherpa. Good luck!
Redguitar35 Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 So I've been dating this girl I meet online for about 8 months. I was very attracted to her but when I met her face to face she was about 15 lbs heavier than her pics. This didn't bother me and every thing else clicked. Fast forward now and it's been about 8 months and maybe an additional 10-15 lbs. She used to exercise a lot and that was when the initial pics were taken. Now she doesn't at all. There is a noticeable difference between her old pics and her now. Otherwise she is a great girl and probably the most emotionally stable person I have ever dated. I don't know how to talk to her about the weight gain. I go to the gym about 3-4 times a week. I tried dropping hints. I am afraid that it will continue and snow ball and effect my level of attraction. Am I being superficial? I don't want to hurt her feelings either. She has been really nice and wonderful towards me. I wouldn't say anything. I would just break up with her and find someone else. I am not attracted to overweight women. My sex drive fizzles when I'm in bed with a girl who is plus sized. I like thinner ladies I can throw around in the bedroom. But the way I see it, her weight is part of who she is, and I don't expect anyone to try to change herself to make me happy. I think you should let her go so she find someone for whom weight isn't an issue. 1
introverted1 Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Weight loss is mostly about eating less. Even a daily 5k run isn't going to burn more than ~250 extra calories... and even less once she loses weight and achieves fitness. If she gained ~15 pounds in 8 months (2 pounds a month is a significant weight gain) either she has some sort of metabolic disorder or she just eats way too much. If it's the former, she can see a doctor and be treated. But if it's the latter, odds are that her eating habits are ingrained and will only change if and when she wants them to. 2
Formerfiveo Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Introverted, it's all about baby steps and consistency. Training for something like a 5k hopefully won't be the end goal, but a stepping stone to a lifestyle of regular fitness. Eating less is a small part of it. Eating less crap, building muscle and gaining endurance is what it's all about.
JuneJulySeptember Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Am I being superficial? Depends who you ask. Everybody is different. Have you ever seen the show My 600 lb life? Watch it. Those women/men have spouses. In any case, if people at an online forum said you were shallow, would that change your mind? If they said you were in the right, would you tell her to lay off the twinkies? I don't think it would. 1
SwordofFlame Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 First, determine if it's due to some treatable medical issue and get it treated if that is the case. Otherwise, it looks like you two have a lifestyle compatibility issue. You value health and fitness. She does not. It's as simple as that. You're not being overly superficial either, we're talking more than a few pounds here. You're not expecting her to look supermodel thin. This is reasonable. It's not acceptable to let yourself go to this extent in a relationship. I'm sure she wouldn't like it if you decided to quit your job so you could play video games and smoke weed and drink beer all day. 1
rushed Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Don't EVER tell her directly. This! A million times this! I like the suggestions of those who said to pick an event like a 5k and to train for it. I gained a few pounds after I started dating my boyfriend. He never mentioned anything about it, and for that I'm grateful. I noticed the weight gain when my clothes started fitting tighter. One indirect way you can try to get her to lose weight is to ask her out to an event that requires dressing up. My boyfriend wanted to go out on Halloween and had costumes in mind for us. I wanted to look hot as hell, and with zero prompting from him, started exercising more and eating better again, and got back down to my ideal weight. 1
butterfly84 Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 since you've been with her, can you tell why she has gained the weight? like Swordofflame mentioned it could be medical, or it could be something changed in her diet, or exercise routine. if it is diet then i don't know if exercise would even help... but like others have said she has to want to do something and what you think won't matter unless she wants to take care of herself.
DK_Casus Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 The bolded is the key..... She didn't have it in her or it wasn't that important...End of story....That doesn't make her a bad person or anything else...You and her weren't compatible on that aspect and it would probably never get better.. She could have moved on to some other guy that didn't have a hangup about it and they could live happily ever after... Like stated in the other post...They(and this could be men or women) need to find it in themselves to do it...Nothing in this life, IMO, gets done successfully because someone thinks it might make it better or more desirable for someone else, a significant other, a boss, whatever... TFY.. I'm not saying she's a bad person or that anything wrong happened. As for your point about how nothing ever gets done because of the influence of other people, that's complete bull****. Other people are key in terms of how we view ourselves - and I give you my personal guarentee that the VAST majority who elect to lose (a lot of) weight do so ultimately because of other people, directly or indirectly. But my point is that you need to be very, very careful when touching upon this subject with a loved one. That said, I really do believe that there's a huge amount of denial involved with most people who claim to be happy about being overweight. But that's neither here nor there.
thefooloftheyear Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 (edited) I'm not saying she's a bad person or that anything wrong happened. As for your point about how nothing ever gets done because of the influence of other people, that's complete bull****. Other people are key in terms of how we view ourselves - and I give you my personal guarentee that the VAST majority who elect to lose (a lot of) weight do so ultimately because of other people, directly or indirectly. But my point is that you need to be very, very careful when touching upon this subject with a loved one. That said, I really do believe that there's a huge amount of denial involved with most people who claim to be happy about being overweight. But that's neither here nor there. You can call it bullshyt all you want...And you can guarantee it all you want...People that lose weight because of others and not because they actually want to lose it for themselves are normally the ones that never keep it off...Because they aren't committed..Period.. If you rely on others to validate who you are and what you want to be, then you will likely never be happy....you will forever be trying to conform to someone else's ideal...That is what is complete bullshyt... I can never recall a time in my entire life that I did something because I thought someone else would be satisfied with it....I mean, just think about it, what the hell is the point of that? Don't you want to be your own man, or are you just like a piece of clay that molds to whatever someone else thinks of you..?? No thanks, pal.. TFY Edited December 27, 2016 by thefooloftheyear 1
DK_Casus Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 (edited) You can call it bullshyt all you want...And you can guarantee it all you want...People that lose weight because of others and not because they actually want to lose it for themselves are normally the ones that never keep it off...Because they aren't committed..Period.. If you rely on others to validate who you are and what you want to be, then you will likely never be happy....you will forever be trying to conform to someone else's ideal...That is what is complete bullshyt... I can never recall a time in my entire life that I did something because I thought someone else would be satisfied with it....I mean, just think about it, what the hell is the point of that? Don't you want to be your own man, or are you just like a piece of clay that molds to whatever someone else thinks of you..?? No thanks, pal.. TFY I live in the real world where being attractive is a universally desirable trait. If you want to believe people strive towards it exclusively to admire their own attraction, be my guest. It's directly tied into our need to survive, thrive and procreate. So, of course people want to lose it for themselves. Just like people want love for themselves. They still need the love of at least one other to achieve it, though, so everything we do to get it, which is more than we do for just about anything else, is about other people. Edited December 27, 2016 by DK_Casus
stillafool Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 This! A million times this! I like the suggestions of those who said to pick an event like a 5k and to train for it. I gained a few pounds after I started dating my boyfriend. He never mentioned anything about it, and for that I'm grateful. I noticed the weight gain when my clothes started fitting tighter. One indirect way you can try to get her to lose weight is to ask her out to an event that requires dressing up. My boyfriend wanted to go out on Halloween and had costumes in mind for us. I wanted to look hot as hell, and with zero prompting from him, started exercising more and eating better again, and got back down to my ideal weight. Yeah, but suppose she just goes out and buys a new dress in her now larger size and just accepts her weight? This is the more likely scenario.
stillafool Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 since you've been with her, can you tell why she has gained the weight? like Swordofflame mentioned it could be medical, or it could be something changed in her diet, or exercise routine. if it is diet then i don't know if exercise would even help... but like others have said she has to want to do something and what you think won't matter unless she wants to take care of herself. Some people just eat more when they are happy. 3
thefooloftheyear Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 (edited) I live in the real world where being attractive is a universally desirable trait. If you want to believe people strive towards it exclusively to admire their own attraction, be my guest. It's directly tied into our need to survive, thrive and procreate. So, of course people want to lose it for themselves. Just like people want love for themselves. They still need the love of at least one other to achieve it, though, so everything we do to get it, which is more than we do for just about anything else, is about other people. If what you are saying is true, then only attractive people would be mating, we wouldn't have the runaway obesity problem and only attractive people would be happy...And that's obviously not the case... Think about it this way... I went to a class reunion recently...There were several women that looked great and were actually quite slim, especially for their age...Fast forward a couple of years and several of the women that I remember from the reunion now appear as though they have gained 40-50 lbs... So what was the point?? They actually only did it for the reunion...they didn't really have "it" in them..If you judged them for what they looked like at the reunion, then it was all a sham...That wasn't truly who they are... Same for people that are trying to find a mate...They hit the gym, they get a new haircut, they do all of the things necessary to make themselves appear as attractive as possible(which is basically what you are saying)...They have the impetus to do it to secure a mate, but then fall apart after they get what they intended to.. I have a good friend that has a saying about the single women he's met.....He says "Whatever they look like when you first meet them is as good as they will ever be"...because he has experienced the same thing the OP has.. The reason they fail is because they are only doing it for validation/acceptance of others-(or in the case of the reunion for some event).....If there was an internal motivation then there would never be people complaining like the OP and many others do... Because they are doing it for them...not for the acceptance of others..because "in the real world", there is zero guarantee that the person that accepted you for what you did to attract them will hang around forever anyway.. TFY Edited December 27, 2016 by thefooloftheyear
DK_Casus Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 (edited) If what you are saying is true, then only attractive people would be mating, we wouldn't have the runaway obesity problem and only attractive people would be happy...And that's obviously not the case... Think about it this way... I went to a class reunion recently...There were several women that looked great and were actually quite slim, especially for their age...Fast forward a couple of years and several of the women that I remember from the reunion now appear as though they have gained 40-50 lbs... So what was the point?? They actually only did it for the reunion...they didn't really have "it" in them..If you judged them for what they looked like at the reunion, then it was all a sham...That wasn't truly who they are... Same for people that are trying to find a mate...They hit the gym, they get a new haircut, they do all of the things necessary to make themselves appear as attractive as possible(which is basically what you are saying)...They have the impetus to do it to secure a mate, but then fall apart after they get what they intended to.. I have a good friend that has a saying about the single women he's met.....He says "Whatever they look like when you first meet them is as good as they will ever be"...because he has experienced the same thing the OP has.. The reason they fail is because they are only doing it for validation/acceptance of others-(or in the case of the reunion for some event).....If there was an internal motivation then there would never be people complaining like the OP and many others do... Because they are doing it for them...not for the acceptance of others..because "in the real world", there is zero guarantee that the person that accepted you for what you did to attract them will hang around forever anyway.. TFY I'm confused, you seem to be arguing my point. People succeed at losing weight for other people all the time. That doesn't preclude an internal motivation, why would it? Quite the opposite. External and internal factors just happen to align here. The fact that complacency sets in once that goal is achieved, for some, changes nothing. They got in shape for others, and therefore for themselves. Same will happen again if they become single. As for staying fit forever, that's rare and more about lifestyle and habits. The motivation to stay fit remains the same. You want to stay desirable and socially acceptable. People who genuinely don't care about what other people think and feel tend to end up alone. Essentially, we all want to stay fit and it's very, very much about other people. If being fit could ever be a bad thing, then you might have a point, but it's not. That's why being motivated by the response of others isn't a problem. It's always what we want, but not everyone has what it takes to achieve it. But A LOT of failure happens even when people are deeply motivated to lose weight. Edited December 27, 2016 by DK_Casus
soyou Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 I'm a woman and if I ever gain so much weight, I'd like my boyfriend to be honest but nice toward me. Knowing what I'm doing wrong, I can get myself improved on that. I know it will hurt and it will make me feel insecure but I'd rather know the truth and work on myself. 2
GunslingerRoland Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 I'm a woman and if I ever gain so much weight, I'd like my boyfriend to be honest but nice toward me. Knowing what I'm doing wrong, I can get myself improved on that. I know it will hurt and it will make me feel insecure but I'd rather know the truth and work on myself. So you'd actually want your bf to point out to you that you gained a bunch of weight? Wouldn't you already know by that point? I know for me I'll notice if I gain 5 pounds by the way my clothes fit, before anyone would notice looking at me. 3
seekingpeaceinlove Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 I'm a woman who gained weight during a relationship as well and my bf had the "talk" with me. He was really nice with the approach saying that we should both get healthier together, cook more at home, etc. I've been unhappy with my weight gain and it's taken a hit on my self esteem yet I am STILL struggling to stick with the healthy lifestyle right now. The idea that my bf is less attracted to me bothers me but that in itself is not enough to fuel me for some reason. I'm digging deep just to get some activity in every week and eat healthier but it hasn't been consistent. I've lost weight before and was a gym freak for a few years..and I felt amazing. I know how great I would feel but I can't seem to get it started this time around. Not sure when my light will be switched on but I have to do it for myself and my well being. So, OP, have the gentle talk and stick with her if you really love her. If she doesn't change and you feel like you're losing attraction and you don't feel like you're getting what you need from the relationship..well..it's your right to walk away! 2
thefooloftheyear Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 (edited) I'm a woman and if I ever gain so much weight, I'd like my boyfriend to be honest but nice toward me. Knowing what I'm doing wrong, I can get myself improved on that. I know it will hurt and it will make me feel insecure but I'd rather know the truth and work on myself. Here is the problem.... In general, guys HATE doing this...Guys are taught from early in life to never do this to women/girls...I think women are better at knocking their bf's or husbands for behavior or appearance..And guys are often better at dealing with it...I was with a group of guys some time back and one of the group had a huge beer belly and one of the other guys noticed and cut him down on it...He just laughed it off and went back to what he was doing...I dont know what he did about it and I don't care, but that type of public critique would send most women to a therapist chair..at the least.. I bet there are women out there in the thousands that have been left by men because they don't want to ever tell you that, no matter how nice or smooth they break it to you...They just make up a BS reason, rather than subject someone they may care about to that... And most people want to see someone take it upon themselves to do something rather than being humiliated/shamed into doing it... TFY Edited December 27, 2016 by thefooloftheyear
thecrucible Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 I've been all sorts of weights. If I was in a relationship where I'd gained some weight, I'd rather my boyfriend approach it first by asking if I was dealing with some issue or stressed (as looking after my health is something I don't do as much of when I'm going through something) and I'd then want him to encourage us to go on a health kick together. That kind of approach would allow me to read between the lines and see that this was boost I needed for the sake of my life/health/relationship. I wouldn't want a direct approach because it would come across as arrogant or patronising to me. Believe it or not, most people who gain weight are fully aware of this and are unhappy about it. When I gain weight, it's because I'm demotivated in life. If someone came along with a positive approach, I'd feel so much better about it. When I was about 40lbs skinnier and almost underweight for my height, I dated this guy who congratulated me for my weight loss but I was actually losing weight due to the stress of being around him and what it did to my confidence. I told him I was losing weight due to stress and he said "that's great" and then told me he'd support me in losing more. Not the response I wanted at the time :s. So yes I think it's important to suss out what it is that's making her gain the weight.
Recommended Posts