Larsoncity Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 So I've been dating this girl I meet online for about 8 months. I was very attracted to her but when I met her face to face she was about 15 lbs heavier than her pics. This didn't bother me and every thing else clicked. Fast forward now and it's been about 8 months and maybe an additional 10-15 lbs. She used to exercise a lot and that was when the initial pics were taken. Now she doesn't at all. There is a noticeable difference between her old pics and her now. Otherwise she is a great girl and probably the most emotionally stable person I have ever dated. I don't know how to talk to her about the weight gain. I go to the gym about 3-4 times a week. I tried dropping hints. I am afraid that it will continue and snow ball and effect my level of attraction. Am I being superficial? I don't want to hurt her feelings either. She has been really nice and wonderful towards me.
Poppyolive Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 You could say "I'd like us both to get fit, healthier and watch what we eat, especially after Christmas holidays, what activities should we take up?" Have a list of ideas. Menu ideas, less takeouts, treat days etc. Encourage her, inspire her. All else will fall into place. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 So I've been dating this girl I meet online for about 8 months. I was very attracted to her but when I met her face to face she was about 15 lbs heavier than her pics. This didn't bother me and every thing else clicked. Fast forward now and it's been about 8 months and maybe an additional 10-15 lbs. She used to exercise a lot and that was when the initial pics were taken. Now she doesn't at all. There is a noticeable difference between her old pics and her now. Otherwise she is a great girl and probably the most emotionally stable person I have ever dated. I don't know how to talk to her about the weight gain. I go to the gym about 3-4 times a week. I tried dropping hints. I am afraid that it will continue and snow ball and effect my level of attraction. Am I being superficial? I don't want to hurt her feelings either. She has been really nice and wonderful towards me. Superficial? Some would say yes, but it is also a common preference and that should not be ignored. You want your girl to look nice and it seems like her picture was already a little misleading and her lack of effort now is making things worse. Let me ask you, are you fit, slim? Do you exercise? Do you ENCOURAGE her to stay active and fit? This will become too much for you to ignore as it is now. Your overall feelings for her WILL be determined by how you see her, how attractive she remains to you. Talk to her about being more active together, engage in activities and food that will help her AND you.
winny Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 You did compromise to begin with and it's nothing superficial. You met her expecting something and got something else. I don't know why some women just don't take care of their weight and once they have a BF or get married they let go even more. And if someone calls them fat when they are indeed fat they make this whole issue out of it.... The best you can do is ask her in indirect ways to join the gym or hike or eat healthy.... My best friend however is very direct with her husband and tells him to go lose weight... but they are very comfortable with each other ... and you just know each other for 8 months... so yeah the indirect method is your best bet. 1
Author Larsoncity Posted December 27, 2016 Author Posted December 27, 2016 I do workout about 3-4 times a week. I have a muscular build. I am attracted to curves on a woman but again its now probably a 30lbs change from the pics of her online. I never understood why women put old pictures up on these profiles. I just feel its different in the beginning. It's not like we have been married for 20 years. You should care about your appearance still right? 1
winny Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 You should care about your appearance still right? Yeah.. always... 1
amaysngrace Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Just come straight out and tell her that her weight gain is an issue for you. Tell her that you feel deceived by her initial pictures and let her answer for herself. You can't really get all bent about her lack of honesty while you beat around the bush yourself, can you? 3
TheTraveler Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 You could say "I'd like us both to get fit, healthier and watch what we eat, especially after Christmas holidays, what activities should we take up?" Have a list of ideas. Menu ideas, less takeouts, treat days etc. Encourage her, inspire her. All else will fall into place. I like this approach. New Year's is all about makes changes You workout 3-4 times a week. What does that mean? Why can't you both do group activities that are active?
Author Larsoncity Posted December 27, 2016 Author Posted December 27, 2016 Just come straight out and tell her that her weight gain is an issue for you. Tell her that you feel deceived by her initial pictures and let her answer for herself. You can't really get all bent about her lack of honesty while you beat around the bush yourself, can you? I didn't say I had a problem because I though she wasn't honest. Like I said she was maybe 10lbs heavier when I first met her...no big deal...now within 8 months there is an additional 15-20lbs. I'm just looking for advice on how to say it without hurting her feelings.
Author Larsoncity Posted December 27, 2016 Author Posted December 27, 2016 I like this approach. New Year's is all about makes changes You workout 3-4 times a week. What does that mean? Why can't you both do group activities that are active? Work schedules are very different. I lift weights and mma classes. But I think Ill try that approach.
TheTraveler Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Work schedules are very different. I lift weights and mma classes. But I think Ill try that approach. And when you do spend time together, part of the day or a healthy amount can be something active.
Miyoko Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Agreed with Winny, I think the indirect approach is best.
thefooloftheyear Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 (edited) If its very important to you then just forget it and let her go.... You are very likely in a no win situation...There is no way to "tell" her...No one likes to be told that type of stuff... If you think she doesn't know she is overweight you are kidding yourself...Of course she does... And forget about the ideas some of the others gave you about prodding or nudging her or planning things together...She will most probably make a half assed effort , make excuses not to go, and give up... If you want to hang in there, then the only way it will work to your satisfaction is if she takes it upon herself and actually does it of her own free will and desire to be who you prefer her to be..but only because she wants it fpr herself...not necessarily to suit you......... Otherwise this will be a perpetual sore spot for you, and you will stop having sex with her, etc...Its not a good road to be on, from what you are saying.. TFY Edited December 27, 2016 by thefooloftheyear 1
winny Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Just come straight out and tell her that her weight gain is an issue for you. Tell her that you feel deceived by her initial pictures and let her answer for herself. You can't really get all bent about her lack of honesty while you beat around the bush yourself, can you? If he does that then next day viral post on social media: "BF body-shames girl and her powerful ANSWER to him!" 1000000 shares 5000000000 likes :lmao: 2
amaysngrace Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 I didn't say I had a problem because I though she wasn't honest. Like I said she was maybe 10lbs heavier when I first met her...no big deal...now within 8 months there is an additional 15-20lbs. I'm just looking for advice on how to say it without hurting her feelings. There really is no way to possibly not hurt her feelings if you mention her weight gain. You know what my doctor said to me before? "Is that one of those unflattering dresses or did you gain weight?" It all depends on her personality really if she'll be sad about it or not but I'm guessing yes she will be since she already put up more flattering pictures of herself when she was slimmer. She knows she looks better without the extra weight. Probably your best bet would be to go do things together that would help her burn some calories.
winny Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 How come she herself isn't worried about her weight gain... girls these days would run to gym as soon as they gain weight and whether they lose weight or not they keep complaining about it and start eating salads and stuff and asking for help on how to lose weight.... at least thats how my GFs and I behave... LOL
amaysngrace Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 If its very important to you then just forget it and let her go.... You are very likely in a no win situation...There is no way to "tell" her...No one likes to be told that type of stuff... If you think she doesn't know she is overweight you are kidding yourself...Of course she does... And forget about the ideas some of the others gave you about prodding or nudging her or planning things together...She will most probably make a half assed effort , make excuses not to go, and give up... If you want to hang in there, then the only way it will work to your satisfaction is if she takes it upon herself and actually does it of her own free will and desire to be who you prefer her to be..but only because she wants it fpr herself...not necessarily to suit you......... Otherwise this will be a perpetual sore spot for you, and you will stop having sex with her, etc...Its not a good road to be on, from what you are saying.. TFY It's very true that she'll probably be a lot more successful if she loses weight for her because it's what she wants for herself. You have to want it for you. Trying to get someone to lose weight could be misconstrued as controlling, even if it'd be in their own best interest. Letting the person go may actually be the very best bet all around now and in the long run. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 It's very true that she'll probably be a lot more successful if she loses weight for her because it's what she wants for herself. You have to want it for you. Trying to get someone to lose weight could be misconstrued as controlling, even if it'd be in their own best interest. Letting the person go may actually be the very best bet all around now and in the long run. Good point.... I mean when you hear some of the responses(and they mean well), its sounds like what you do when your dog starts getting too porky... "take them to the park and run them around a bit"...... Its gotta be within her to do it of her own accord.. ....telling someone is only going to crush them...They hope you are OK with it....Otherwise they would have already nipped it in the bud... TFY 1
DK_Casus Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 I more or less lost my last girlfriend because I ended up telling her the very same thing. I spent months "hinting" towards it, but I couldn't find the will to hurt her. In the end, though, it became a real issue - and I just had to say it straight up. It took around 6 months - but I sort of felt it deep inside right after I'd said it. She couldn't handle that message. She wanted to do something about it, but never really did. She ended up thinking I didn't care enough for her, because I couldn't look past it. Ironically, she was the one most interested in more sex - and I'm generally more about the deeper love. But I'm just not that attracted to excess weight, and it's beyond my control. I'm afraid the only real option is to take charge and LEAD her to weight loss. Don't EVER tell her directly. 1
stillafool Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 My best friend however is very direct with her husband and tells him to go lose weight... but they are very comfortable with each other ... and you just know each other for 8 months... so yeah the indirect method is your best bet. Somehow women get away with saying these things to men but if a man says this to a woman all hell will break lose. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 I more or less lost my last girlfriend because I ended up telling her the very same thing. I spent months "hinting" towards it, but I couldn't find the will to hurt her. In the end, though, it became a real issue - and I just had to say it straight up. It took around 6 months - but I sort of felt it deep inside right after I'd said it. She couldn't handle that message. She wanted to do something about it, but never really did. She ended up thinking I didn't care enough for her, because I couldn't look past it. Ironically, she was the one most interested in more sex - and I'm generally more about the deeper love. But I'm just not that attracted to excess weight, and it's beyond my control. I'm afraid the only real option is to take charge and LEAD her to weight loss. Don't EVER tell her directly. The bolded is the key..... She didn't have it in her or it wasn't that important...End of story....That doesn't make her a bad person or anything else...You and her weren't compatible on that aspect and it would probably never get better.. She could have moved on to some other guy that didn't have a hangup about it and they could live happily ever after... Like stated in the other post...They(and this could be men or women) need to find it in themselves to do it...Nothing in this life, IMO, gets done successfully because someone thinks it might make it better or more desirable for someone else, a significant other, a boss, whatever... TFY.. 1
GunslingerRoland Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 If you said she'd gained 30 pounds over the last 20 years, I'd say that maybe it's something you need to live with, but it sounds like she's gained 20 pounds in the last few months and over 30 in the last 2 years. That is pretty significant and it doesn't sound like she's doing anything to stop it from happening. It's a valid concern, but I don't know what the right answer to approaching it is. No one gains 30 pounds and doesn't realize it. She's probably outgrown all of her clothes, I'm sure she knows about it and feels bad about it. Some things you can do, is try to make sure your dates don't involve eating out very often, make dinners instead. And even if she doesn't want to go the gym with you try active dates. Ice skating, hiking, walk through the park... whatever... But really she's going to have to make some choices herself to stop the weight gain, and if she doesn't you'll have to make your own choice.
BaileyB Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Do you really need to tell her? I mean, really, do you not think she knows this? I would think that she is very aware and probably very unhappy about it. You need to decide, if the weight gain is too much for you then you need to let her go and find someone else. Otherwise, recognize that each and everyone of us has personal choice - nothing more personal about what we eat and how much we weigh. This is her problem, not yours. Talk with her at your own risk. 2
BikerAccnt Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 So I've been dating this girl I meet online for about 8 months. I was very attracted to her but when I met her face to face she was about 15 lbs heavier than her pics. This didn't bother me and every thing else clicked. Fast forward now and it's been about 8 months and maybe an additional 10-15 lbs. She used to exercise a lot and that was when the initial pics were taken. Now she doesn't at all. There is a noticeable difference between her old pics and her now. Otherwise she is a great girl and probably the most emotionally stable person I have ever dated. I don't know how to talk to her about the weight gain. I go to the gym about 3-4 times a week. I tried dropping hints. I am afraid that it will continue and snow ball and effect my level of attraction. Am I being superficial? I don't want to hurt her feelings either. She has been really nice and wonderful towards me. I quoted your entire post because..well, I could have written it. I met a wonderful woman about the same time frame as you, and pretty much the exact thing has happened. When I first met her I was...well, she's heavier than I expected, but, it wasn't a deal breaker. As I got to know her it became clear that she'd lost a lot of weight to get where she was now. I would not have been at all attracted to her at her previous weight. Like your GF, mine has put on over 15lbs since we met. Like yours, mine is amongst the most wonderful stable women I've met. She used to work out, but, almost since meeting me, stopped. I still get to the gym at least twice a week. Do I have an answer? Nope. All I know is she does treat me the best I've been treated in a long while. She LOVES to have sex with me and loves to be with me. I also, love being with her and having sex with her. Mind you, I'm still attracted to her even though, she's larger than I would normally be attracted to. That's because as I've gotten to know her, her strength of personality as big a turn on as anything. Also, I'm older - 56 - and no spring chicken myself. I've been dated plenty, and lived with a couple , of very attractive women who didn't treat me near as well and ignored my sexual needs. So, as you age, you gain perspective. I'm hoping I have, and I'm hoping that like you, I can see past the weight gain. I know I can as long as I'm still attracted to her. And that ill depend as much on how I'm treated, as anything else. 2
IfonlyIknew Posted December 27, 2016 Posted December 27, 2016 Have you seen photos of her in the past? The consistency? She could be a yo yo dieter. Or she got comfortable with you and decided to let herself go. My bf is twice my size and I've encouraged him to join me in my low carb lifestyle, he used to knock it... until he lost 30lbs. If you do say anything, just make it positive and make it about both of you. I accepted my boyfriend the way he was but just being together made us both want to be better, encouraging bike rides and walks, having someone to be healthy with is so much easier than doing it alone.
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