Should I leave or stay? (Looong post!)

[hoegaandit]

Of course I know this is my decision but would also appreciate input

 

 

Brief background – I met my present partner (actually fiancée) after a disastrous long term marriage with a mentally ill ex-spouse which had left my business close to collapse and me financially bereft. I am in my early sixties and she is in her early/mid fifties. My fiancée has a teenage daughter who is difficult to get along with and lives at home. I have two adult children who live outside home, but one is autistic and the other has mental health issues which means they will both need to be assisted financially, the first one more than the other.

 

 

My fiancée and I have been together about six years, the first two in an LDR and the last nearly four living together. I find her very attractive and would say we are both in love with each other. We are compatible and most of the time get on well, talk easily, have similar background and sense of humour, both love animals. She has helped me with some personal issues,we purchased with deposit of her money (given to her by her parents) a home and income property with a lovely view over the sea and close to town (so it will always be readily rentable at a good yield – good for eventual retirement) and it has gone up substantially in value providing us with some equity, and she has been helpful in discussing my children’s issues and is to a lesser extent a quasi mother to both of them (-they have cut off all ties with their real mentally ill mother)

 

 

While I do love my fiancée, I also need to consider things logically. From a rational perspective I feel considerably unhappy with some aspects of my fiancée’s character/personality and the way things are going. As background although she is probably at least as smart as me she did badly academically and worked at lower grade jobs and then went overseas and got pregnant to a totally unsuitable man and lived overseas as a solo mother for about 13 years. I feel she has always relied on her parents and the State to support her, and has never had to experience the stress of having your own business, so just can’tunderstand the sacrifices necessarily involved with my business

 

 

She also has a temper and can even be scornful at times. We argue more than we should. She has lived on her own so long she is used to unilateral action and has unacceptably taken some actions without consulting me eg thrown out a lot of work files and squirrelled away some of my earnings for a deck rather than payment toward the tax I owe.

 

 

I sort of sometimes feel she has been inveigling her way into my life where I am being taken advantage of to my children’s detriment. Although she did help me some initially with my business, I have really been the sole income earner while we have been together. She doesn’t want to take any account of money my mother gave me (which will come off any inheritance to be passed onto my children in due course) and which we used for joint living expenses while I got back on my feet after my disastrous marriage and the associated fallout. While I did agree that my autistic son should not live in the house indefinitely, she effectively pushed him out of the house sooner than I would have liked because his actions (eg pacing up and down) annoyed her. Rather than support me at work (I am the sole earner) she now wants me to support her into a degree which will take another three years

 

 

I guess I don’t feel really and fully supported by her. I also can’t see her realistically ever having more than half my earning capacity at best, even if she got a degree. I am also not completely sure about her being a caring person in my dotage if we get that far (-certainly I can think of girlfriends in my earlier life who would have been much more caring).

 

 

However I also don’t want to leave her in the lurch. She has come to my country away from the rest of her family and we have made a life here. I think she is basically a good person and I want the best for her – just not at my (or much more importantly my children’s) expense.

 

 

I don’t think a straight split now would be fair on her, as it would upset her very much and although she would have the equity now to buy a (lesser)home on her own, she would not have the income to buy my share of our home and she would at least for a few years (and perhaps ever) have to give up on doing her studies and take on some low paid work. It would also financially make more sense for me to wait – at least till my old dog dies, probable in the next two years, which will give me more flexibility, as it would also be difficult (although probably just possible) for me now to purchase her share of our home which is a good investment property to own. Nevertheless a straight split might work best for her in the end, as I have no doubt she is attractive enough to find a newpartner if she wished, which would also possibly enable her to do some of thethings she wants like travel which I would find it hard to do much of. (I knowthis sort of thinking may sound weird – but, hey, that is the way I am

 

 

She rejects the notion of us starting living together just as “flatmates” with me lending her the money for her studies so that came off her equity in our home. This would also upset her a lot. I couldn’t see this as being other than a temporary arrangement, although it might work as a compromise for a time. I could perhaps even compromise by say funding her studies for two years until she will I think become eligible for benefits includingstudent loans. While that would be difficult for me financially at least that would enable her to do her studies, so putting her on a better footing.

 

 

Lastly we could stay together (and marry) but from my perspective this would have to be on the basis of us entering into some form of property agreement whereby at best I funded her studies but otherwise all our respective incomes were our separate property (and as soon as her studies finished she needed to pay her and her daughter’s living costs). Believe me, when we first met this sort of idea was the last thing on my mind as I just wished to share everything, even if I were the main financial contributor; but the fact that she has refused to offset my mother’s gift of part inheritance to me off her parent’s gift to her for the house deposit has made me change my mind. We do as I mentioned at the outset get on well most of the time, and are compatible, and are in love. If I do go this route I’ll just have to hope she shows the care to me when I get old she shows to animals.

 

 

Any thoughts/comments appreciated!

[Been]

If you have to ask the question should I stay or go then you should leave. Your gut is sounding an alarm warning you and your trying to analyze instead of act.

She sounds like you don't fully trust her. And like I said you have doubts I would leave.

And based on your post if it were me I wouldn't full invest in her. Too many things that could unravel the relationship.

[Been]

I remember staying with my ex and having a lot of doubts. And I remember trying to break everything down. It just made it worse and ended up being a disaster.

[hoegaandit]

Thanks Been - I hear what you are saying. There is an investment adage "when in doubt stay out" and I guess it is the same thing here. I am still pondering what is best why she is away over Christmas and it will be sad if we split but maybe that will be for the best.

[Been]

It's just that the more you look at your relationship the more holes you see.

[hoegaandit]

Can't help pondering this though, while she is away. I am the sort of guy who tends to put up with things but I know that is wrong (stayed with my ex wife and mother of my children for 25 years in the hope things would get better; my daughter is angry with me that I didn't get out sooner as she was often verbally abused - as was I). My current fiancée is nothing like that BUT:

 

 

There is a lack of real support (apart from using her parent's contribution towards a deposit for our home - though I worked two full time jobs for 9 months initially to also make that happen) example one: refused to ever work past 5pm, though that just doesn't work with your own business; example two: provided absolutely minimal support to me in recent very difficult run up to Christmas where I was frequently burning the midnight oil (despite having some health issues); example three: only very rarely helps walk my old dog and never puts in his eye drops (-to be fair he can be a biter), the effect being though I am constrained in my work as I also have to look after my old dog eg be home by very early evening; example four: she is somewhat more selfish and less thoughtful as regards her daughter, with whom she has an at best mixed relationship than I am toward my children - which does make me wonder how she will treat me if I am ill.

 

 

She talks about counseling - but you know, a leopard (especially one in her fifties) won't change her spots.

 

 

Do I trust her? Well we are older and a bit wiser so, especially as we started as a LDR without even having met, have been scrupulous to be honest with each other. Neither has told the other any lies. But how honest is it to hold back monies for a deck without telling me when every spare dollar should be going to pay my tax arrears? (And as I mentioned she threw out many of my old work files as she felt they were a mess - they were, but some were also needed - also without consulting me).

 

 

I hate the way this is all going. You know how you meet someone and you have this great optimism that it will all work. And in a lot of ways it did. If my financial and professional position had not been so disastrous, it probably would all have been ok. But as it is, although I have slowly been getting on top of things, the complete trust and especially the support from her for me just don't seem to be there. It is too much a one way street and I am feeling I will be better on my own.

[Been]

She does what she wants. Mine was like that. Would borrow my car and return on empty. Everything had to be somehow about her. Yours is the same way.

[hoegaandit]

Kinda freaking out about how to tell her when she comes back ... particularly as we will necessarily have to stay together for some time (financially still difficult for me, she immigrated to come here (and her country is rather unsafe for a single woman), we bought home together, she still needs support to study to get an acceptable wage) ...

[VeveCakes]

I think if you end it you need to just cut ties. Why should you have to support her? Did she come to the country solely for you?

[hoegaandit]

Vevecakes - yeah we met online and she came over about four years ago with her daughter solely to be with me. She own a house together and she does have residency here now which means she can work (although her limited qualifications mean this will be only at a low paying job) and can stay here indefinitely but won't be entitled to most benefits including study assistance benefits for at least another two years and she is in her early/mid fifties.