Is there still hope?

[crumblebum]

cThis is long...sooo prepare yourselves:

I've recently gone through the worst possible break up, I think. I'm not sure what to do, or how to cope. I want to stop bothering my friends about it so I don't lose them, so I think posting more anonymously in a forum is a better idea. So here's the rundown:

 

I was with my ex for 5.5 years, he was entirely devoted to me. Incredibly so. I'm not exaggerating here, the guy worshipped the ground I walked on, and those are his words. He was a wonderful boyfriend and I was equally in love with him, but troubled. Prior to meeting him I had left an abusive relationship with a very bad man and had been experiencing PTSD, I often to have random crying fits or outbursts and take it out on my poor BF, which he didn't deserve. I also compared my current relationship to the last, and any small indicator I might be hurt again would set me off and make me talk to him about breaking up. My ex traveled for work and often cheated on me while he did, so when my next BF started traveling for work I would have a small freak out each time he left. My ex never committed to me after years of talk of marriage, then one day threw me out and married someone else, when this guy was slow to commit I assumed the same was happening. He didn't deserve this, he wasn't my ex and I recognize it was unfair and emotionally abusive of me to take it out on him.

Time passed, he remained as wonderful as ever, but after 5.5 years I began to doubt our relationship would ever progress. We're in our mid 30's and I've made no secret I want to marry and settle down. We started talking rings a year into the relationship, but it never came. We also lived in a TERRIBLE old, loud apartment though we were both very successful. He didn't want to leave it because it was cheap. We would shop around for houses but as years passed, no house. He often blamed our inability to move on me not always being available to go look at places with him, etc. So, I took a gamble, and told him I want to get me own place and we could try dating and when we worked out our issues, we would move forward. He was heartbroken and cried the day I left, cried for a very long time. I did too, but in the beginning I held it together. He got mad one night and told me the 'dating' idea was off the table and so I started talking to other people, this about a month after I had left. But he never left me alone. He was never harassing or nuts about it, but always wanted to talk, told me he missed me and still loved me. I didn't respond at the time, I wasn't sure if I could get back with him.

 

We started talking more 2 months after me leaving about whether or not we could reconcile, I grew increasingly frustrated with how he would run hot and cold. Sometimes he loved and missed me and wanted me back and had said he hoped I would work out my problems and come back to him, other times or relationship was 'over' as he put it. I had been much more calm and collected until the point where we started to work together again. He's the head of a studio that I had worked on-and-off at for years. I had to come back for a project and as soon as I saw him, I began to get depressed. He would call me every day, tell me how beautiful I looked, then came over one night and one thing lead to another. In the morning he was cold, but I morose. The next day I avoided him at work, I didn't know how to feel. He continued his wishy-washy behavior then admitted to me he had been trying to move on and was speaking to someone else. I started to really feel terrible. I ended up putting my two weeks in at work feeling I could no longer be there. They begged me to stay and moved me to another office. However, I continued to see him and my depression deepened. I started lashing out at him over the phone, calling and texting incessantly. He started talking about getting an RO against me, but then would still call me and text me and tell me how he missed me. I took his legal threats seriously, but he persisted in calling me. He would block me off and on, then call me again and tell me it was over. But days later would say how he missed me and how maybe we can try again in a few months.

I quit the job again, I had fallen into such a deep pit of depression from not cutting the cord I was either sleeping my days away or crying. This is when I started to consider suicide. I'm not proud of this. But the pain was deep and I had started to become panicked by all the changes in my life and my inability to fix them. He, at first, tried to support me, tell me how he still loved me, how I was (it's cheesy) 'his dream girl' and I was just going through a rough patch.

 

The communication continued, and he began to get angry with me and I increasingly insistent for his time. Lots of calling. Mostly from me, but less and less and from him. Then one night I had a full on nervous break down after a fight. I showed up at our old apartment sobbing and telling him how I wanted to end my life, he called the police. I left the apartment and he followed, making sure the police took me to the hospital. He cried watching me get taken away and picked me up from the hospital a day later, sobbing, but insisting it was over. He called all of my close friends, my family, my doctors, and asked for their advice. Sympathy, initially, was pouring our from everywhere.

I went for intensive out patient therapy, which did little, and started take medication, also did little. He still called and texted and was still very friendly, but occasionally mean. He told me if I continued therapy, in a few months we could re-address reconciliation. But I was impatient and told him no. I had to have him gone or with me 100%. He sounded very sad about that but said ok.

 

Our communication continued to break down, he began to block me on social media and called less, sounding increasingly distant and angry.

Then last month he began to threaten me again that if I didn't start leaving him alone he would file an RO against me. He didn't want to, but couldn't take it anymore. He would say that, and then call me to talk about his day, and just check in. It made me very nervous and impossible to anticipate his behaviour. I lost my crackers and called him a bunch, he blocked me for a week then called me and was SCREAMING at me to leave him alone. I gave up at that moment and resolved never to call him again. I didn't want to stay home and cry, I called a guy and we went out to a gallery show. My ex had also gone out and saw me, though I didn't see him, and after having screamed at me to off, started texting me, making fun of my date. He then called me at 2 AM, started flirting with me, then asked to come over. We spent the night together. The next day he was angry and distant, but several days later it happened again. Then he told me it was over forever, he didn't want to talk to me for awhile. I broke down and started thinking about suicide. I left him several voicemails alluding to that and, not surprisingly, the cops showed up.

 

I stayed in in patient for several days, he did not come to pick me up. I was totally alone and felt lower than low. He would occasionally call after, but would usually just start screaming at me no matter what I said or did. The sympathy seemed to have dried up from family or friends and the first time he had offered to go with me to therapy and was very supportive. Two weeks later, I missed my period. I waited another week and had a positive pregnancy test. I called my Ex, he started threatening me, and I told him I was late. He said he thought I was lying and trying to manipulate him. I recognize I had emotionally blackmailed him with my thoughts of suicide, but, to be honest, I needed his help and he was the only one I could tell. He told me to go to the doctor. I went to a one-stop-shop abortion clinic and they confirmed I was pregnant. Too early for anything visible on an ultrasound but I guess it came back on the blood test. I told him, he said we could keep it, but we would be separate single parents or I should abort. I went ahead and did a chemical abortion.

He came over that night and I was crying and devastated. I hadn't wanted a child until I fell pregnant. I had begun to fantasize about having a family and being a mother, so the loss was big for me. But I knew it was the best decision.

 

The relationship was so toxic it was unfair to bring a child into the world that way. He kissed my forehead and said it would be ok while I cried. He said we just need some time apart, and that he still loved me and was attracted to me, but I had driven him crazy and hurt him so badly he didn't know what to do. We began talking that week, him telling me he would love to work things out but he needed me to get better first. How it wasn't hopeless and in time things could work out, but at turns would be cold and terse.

He forbade me from discussing the abortion with mutual friends, I have few of my own, so I kept it between us. He said he would help me through it. The last bit of hope he gave me was last monday he said 'There's still hope for us'. But on Tuesday of Last week I had a break down, I'm guessing from the combo of horomones and the ongoing struggle with depression. I called a bunch. He threatened the RO again. He was furious and no longer willing to tolerate me. He even told several of our friends how I had been harassing him and how he was considering legal action. Last I heard of him was 3 days ago he called to tell me we could talk again in a month, but if I called again, legal action would happen. He said we were not getting back together, I asked if this was it, for the rest of our lives and he said 'I'm not sure.' He said he loved me very much, but he was not helping me anymore and I was not to call him for a month.

He called me over the thanksgiving holiday, after having not heard from him in close to a week... to ask advice on a girl he really likes. I cried, but was a grown up and tried to give him advice. He was nice at the time... but it felt horrible. I'm not sure if I should have told him to go himself right there on the phone, but I wanted to be the bigger person and I do care about him. Will he appreciate it? Probably not.

 

When he gets back into town he calls me to see if I want to grab a drink. So we meet up, and we start talking about how our lives are progressing. Every time the girl he likes comes up, I can tell in the way he discusses her, he really likes her. He invites me over to collect somethings, and once I'm over, he immediately starts hitting on me.

 

We hook up, and then immediately afterwards he starts saying how much of a mistake it was. He tries to throw me out, but not before making me saying I won't tell anyone we've hooked up. I'm heartbroken. He walks me home, tries to hold my hand while doing so, then tells me he loves me. He apologizes several times over texts, but says he only cares for me as a friend.

After going no contact for a bit, he starts texting me while on a business trip to Korea. Sending me pictures and stuff. All at 3 AM. I don't respond, because I'm asleep. So he emails me to ask if I'm blocking him...then he facebooks me to ask the same. I wake up to all this and ask him if everything is allright because he contacted me 3 separate ways int he middle of the night. He yells at me saying 'I'm fine. Leave me alone!' then blocks me again. At this point, I've f*cking had it with the back and forth. And ask him 'Do you want to try again or not? You keep sleeping with me, then shutting me down and telling me to go away, and then you text/fcaebook/AND EMAIL in the middle of the night! What the hell are you doing?' He won't give me an upfront answer, we go back and forth through email, which apparently he makes his work colleagues aware of.

 

When he comes back from Korea he calls me to tell me how I have made reconciliation completely impossible, his entire company knows I am 'harassing' him, and how he would never get back with me ever again. He then says he's going to file and RO. I call him on his bluff, because he's said it 5 times in 6 months, and he says 'Look, just respect the RO..and when it's done, we'll see how we feel.' As I hear this my jaw is on the floor. Did this man just tell me he's gonna serve me, then get back together with me. He also says 'If you had just behaved, we would have gotten back together by now'.

 

Several days go by and call him to collect the rest of my belongings form his house, during which I beg him to please stop this madness. He screams at me, calling me a 'Stupid fcking cnt' and treats me terribly as I stand there with my things crying.

 

Yesterday I wake up to a pounding on my door, I've been served. I don't go into work, and spend the day crying and feeling like I'm falling apart. I start to consult lawyers, all of which wholeheartedly agree he hasn't a leg to stand on considering he would ask me to go away, but then reinstate contact.

 

The court date is on my birthday, no less. I feel very confident it will get thrown out. And here's the reason why No contact is so important. Break ups turn us into people we don't recognize. Cut the cord before it becomes this toxic, for anyone reading this.

 

Has anyone at all ever heard of reconciliation after a break up like this? I know it sounds terrible, but please believe me, this man loved me 110% for 5 years, I can't fault him for how the break up is effecting him as they all make everyone go crazy in their own way.

 

 

Alltight....honestly could this be saved? is it too late? I cannot imagine beinf with anyone but him. Has anyone heard a relationship gte this bad and recover over time?

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry OP, but there is practically zero chance of coming back from this. It's over.

 

More importantly, you need to get yourself healthy. When you are healthy, you will make far better choices that won't lead you down such a toxic path again. You should not even be entertaining the idea of getting back together with a guy like this. You're horrible for each other and it won't get better.