Shall I send love letters back to my cheating ex?

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't bother.

 

She is dating someone else, so it's safe to assume she has moved on. Imagine how it will feel when she doesn't respond, or worse, shows her new boyfriend your letter/video.

 

It's not worth it.

[SerPundnes]

Like other posters here said: NO, do not send a letter/video.

 

From your side: Sounds perfect and romantic

 

From her side: Annoying and desperate move from her ex

 

From outside: Pretty awkward, man

[Livinitup]

We broke up 6 months ago, dated for 2 years and everyday I've missed her. However,out of the blue left me for another guy that she is still with. btw our relationship was beyond complicated so that wasn't the only reason- different cultures, background, family, political views etc was the triggering main reason- I guess she got fed up eventually . Though it upset me ofcourse since she's moved on so quick. However, I broke NC last week, she was annoyed and said not to contact her again. She said we can be friends when we've both completely moved on with new partners, but she still wants us remain friends. Like I said because of our many differences we always knew our break up was inevitable although we loved eachother a lot. So even when together we promised to always being there for eachother no matter.

 

But now I'm in 2 minds. A part of me feels raged. Why should I be friends with someone, even when we have both moved on, that treated me like crap in the end and abandoned me ? On the other hand, I keep thinking about all the nice things she did for me and I took her for granted at the time I wasn't a good partner, she helped me grow and build up my confidence, and then there's the promise we made to eachother to always be friends no matter what. Obviously, in a few years time my mind will be different. But for now I have decided I will go NC forever and if she wants to be friends in the future then she has to be the one to initiate contact with me first.

 

An emotional part of me wished I said to her "why would I want to remain friends with someone that I can never trust again?or is it the guilt killing you? "

 

So is it ever a good idea to become friends with your ex in the future? Should I keep my promise? Or just completely move on and have nothing to do with her ever again?

Edited February 4, 2017 by Livinitup

[dumbass2]

Can't be friends at all with a romantic ex partner until both have moved on and there are no romantic feelings any more. When you would be okay seeing her make out with her new boyfriend and not feel anything, then that might be the time. Doesn't matter what you two said at one time about staying in each others life no matter what. Your emotions wont allow that right now. Until you have no feelings for her romantically and would never get back with her, then you might be able to be friends.

[d0nnivain]

It's too soon to be friends with her. The part of you that is thinking about it wants to recreate the companionship from the good times but you can't. That part was also wrapped up in the romance.

 

 

Besides as you go forward in life your next GF is going to be annoyed that you are friends with this EX. Your EXs new BF isn't going to be thrilled you are still in her life either.

 

 

Trying to formulate a friendship is more trouble than it's worth.

[Livinitup]

i did decide to send her a letter. And I don't regret it. I realised I was assshole when we were together and pushed her away so The letter I told her that although I never showed it I did really care about her. Anyway, I also called her she said she read the letter, it was well written and moved her but she's not sure if she'll respond to it.

 

From now on I'm going complete NC and if she doesn't respond then so be it.

[LitTunnel]

So you went ahead and decided to send this letter despite you asking for advice which everyone clearly agreed was a bad idea. So why did you ask for advice then if you decided to take it upon yourself to ignore everyone's near identical response to not to?

 

Of course I do hope it pans out, after all she did answer your call and you both spoke but the likelyhood of her changing her mind is extremely low. I know because I did the very same thing and I failed miserably. I certainly hope in your situation we are all wrong and she cones sround but just be prepared for worst case scenario dude.

 

Good luck!

[Livinitup]

So you went ahead and decided to send this letter despite you asking for advice which everyone clearly agreed was a bad idea. So why did you ask for advice then if you decided to take it upon yourself to ignore everyone's near identical response to not to?

 

Of course I do hope it pans out, after all she did answer your call and you both spoke but the likelyhood of her changing her mind is extremely low. I know because I did the very same thing and I failed miserably. I certainly hope in your situation we are all wrong and she cones sround but just be prepared for worst case scenario dude.

 

Good luck!

 

I sent the letter more for myself. I needed to get some stuff off my chest.i was not expecting a response in the first place. But yeah I don't think we'll ever get back together. I said what I had to and I will never contact her again.

[Bromeo]

I sent the letter more for myself. I needed to get some stuff off my chest.i was not expecting a response in the first place. But yeah I don't think we'll ever get back together. I said what I had to and I will never contact her again.

 

I understand this. Sometimes closure is found within, and sometimes action must be taken.

 

In my case, my first round of NC came after the first clear conversation my ex and I had after 3-4 months of straight, BS games. Hung up, went nc, never looking back. She emailed and tried to start up games again 30 days later. This lasted two weeks, before I left a voicemail, delineated the wrongs done to me, and entered a second, more final period of NC.

 

Neither action, the call, or the voicemail were enacted for her. It was for me, to clear my head and conscience, to have my say, and walk away clean. No more wondering, analyzing, or regrets. Both actions also helped me to forgive myself and move on.

 

I am very tenacious about all aspects of my life, so the action of inaction is paradoxical to me.

 

If this is what was needed in your case, then I concur with you, as long as you are not holding on, or looking for a response. You, your mental health, and well-being are whats important, and if your letter helps you heal, good.

 

.02c

 

Dave

[keiji]

I'm currently on the receiving end of this type of letters and messages (the last string of e-mails came this morning, we broke up in October). I really hope it's your last one, because it is really annoying for the dumper. Everything people say here -nothing you do will change their mind, they've moved on, etc.– is true.

 

Be strong and leave it at that.

[Bromeo]

While I understand that all situations are different, its not "annoying" for someone to seek closure in whatever fashion they wish. While feelings may be annoying to the dumper, they are quite poignant and acute to the dumped, and therefore due to the differences in people, are processed differently.

 

I concur they do nothing for the dumper or hopes of reconciliation, but again, that isn't the point.

 

I trust your indelicate phrasing is the result of the circumstances of your breakup, and I'm sorry, it sounds painful. Mine was as well.

 

.02c

[keiji]

I trust your indelicate phrasing is the result of the circumstances of your breakup, and I'm sorry, it sounds painful. Mine was as well.

 

English is not my native language, as you may have noticed. Hence the lack of delicacy, I guess, but that was not my intention. I didn't mean "annoying" as in "irritating". It's more like those messages make the receiver feel guilty and force him to go through something over and over again when he just wants to move on (or has moved on already). You've broken up with someone for a reason, in my case because I didn't trust her and she had some mental issues. The last thing I want now is to read a combination of begging and accusations depending on her mood.

 

EDIT: I just found some translations for "annoying". I agree it was a very bad choice of words.

[Bromeo]

Understood, and no harm done. My marriage counselor long ago had recommended composing a daily journal as a way to organize my thoughts. I picked a topic each day, wrote a decent length email, and sent it to my ex wife. No begging, pleading, or accusations. The by product was my level of introspection actually opened communication between us, leading to a short lived reunion.

 

I tried the same with this current ex after the BU. She ignored every one of them, and responded to the last one only after I went NC for a month.

 

Nowadays posting here is my journal, and if it helps others on the struggle bus, its a win win.

 

So, I see both sides. I guess it depends on the person.

[Livinitup]

My ex dumped me 7 months ago now and 2 months NC. But I still for some reason think that I have a chance of getting back together with my ex and she will message me anytime soon. But reality is, she has moved on with a new guy and seems in love. It kills me. So it is highly unlikely to happen that she will ever try to contact me again. Since the BU she has never initiated contact once. But that might also be to do with the fact that my sister told her not to contact me again cos she thinks we're not good for eachother. But even before that my ex had already made her mind up that she was going to dump me and wanted me completely out of her life.

 

This is taking over my life. For example, at work I'm always checking my phone hoping that maybe today she has sent me a text. Or even that she'd given me a missed call. I don't know why, but I still have hope and belief that we will reconcile. But deep down I know I'm fooling myself in my faith. I still love her, but at the same time she has told me that we would never get back together.

 

How can I stop this crazy obsession?? Even now I'm hoping and waiting for a text from her. I just keep telling myself to be patient and it'lll happen.

Edited February 22, 2017 by Livinitup