New here... on how to get over him.

[MaxineR]

Hi. I am new here. I am married to my husband for 10 years with 2 kids. My husband is a workaholic and although I know he works hard he does not put our family as priority. His work always comes first.

 

I met a MM guy but we did not start anything except kissing. We have stopped but I still think about him.

I am here posting about how to get over this person whom I am attracted to.

 

I know I have to move on by distracting myself but the good thing is neither did we talk abt seeing each other again.

 

Would what I am feeling now be an emotional.affair or a crush? How do I get over this ?

I would appreciate advice from those ho had gone through this process ? I have to just stick through this marriage and take each day as it comes...

 

For those who have been through this, how do you get over the person who makes you special and yet you cannot be with him?

 

Max

Edited December 26, 2016 by MaxineR

[Midwestmissy]

As soon as you feel a spark or emotional connection with your husband, the power of the crush will dissipate. Get from your marriage what you felt this other man was offering. Your connection to him was based on the fantasy of potential. Have it in your marriage. You once felt that way about your husband - enough that you planned on spending the rest of your life with him, and had kids together. Work with what you have and it will pay back tenfold.

 

My cheating husband wished he had done the above instead of seeing thru a flirtation with a coworker. He has so many regrets. And the fantasy lover was actually a horror movie. They both were running from the problems they perceived in their marriages, but they were big parts of those problems. So that's what they brought into their affair. Not so erotic and illicit after a while. Guess who's bending over backwards to fix the marriage now? He just wishes he hadn't hurt me and our kids in order to see what was in front of him or how it was in his hands the whole time. You have the power and opportunity to make your marriage and connection better. View the other man as a gift and wake up call to make your family the best it can be. Or, if that's too hard, file for divorce.

[FlemishSwanSong]

Hi Max,

 

You already sound emotionally involved. If you carry on as you are it is likely to lead to a more physical affair and you'll become more hooked. As you want to move on from this MM and concentrate on your H and marriage, you should -

1. Avoid any contact with the MM - so total no contact.

2. Avoid triggers that make you think about him.

3. If you do think about him try to focus on any negatives, or think about what will happen when your relationship with him is inevitably found out.

4. Remember what you love about your husband, think about that, try to spend time reconnecting as a couple.

 

I think if you let the relationship with the MM grow, life will only become difficult for you in the future.

 

Good luck

[MaxineR]

Thank you Midwestmissy for being the first to answer.my question and being objective to advise me. Also for sharing with me what you went through.

 

I have not been able to figure out the description abt what I feel for this MM till you said fantasy of potential. And it really struck me. I am grieving over the loss of this potential man that could have been mine if we had met earlier. He is probably what I would have liked my husband now to be which is why I kept admiring him for being such a good caring father who is close.to his kids but mine is not.

It doesn't help that he is also good looking and gentle which is probably why I was drawn to him.

 

If you don mind to share what did you do to connect with your husband who is trying to make up to you? Try to have more date nights? Spend time with the children? I will try but hub always prefer being left alone in the house fixing stuff...

[Midwestmissy]

It takes time, for sure. But what my husband does -that he stopped doing during the affair - is be present when he's with us. There's no texting, looking at his phone, a sense that he wishes he were elsewhere. It's like he's back. We all feel his presence fully. It's not that jittery antsiness of what's next.

 

Please know that when he was in fantasy land, he wasn't fully present with her either. He was anxious, guilty, stressed. She didn't make his issues go away, they just grew bigger due to being ignored. Like an unpaid bill - it becomes a bigger costlier mess. Another big revelation for him was that he didn't care or think about her husband and 4 kids at all. Which proved to him that he didn't really care about her. People with genuine love and affection really care about their partner being the best possible person they can be. The ow needed my husband to fail - his marriage, his kids, he was risking lawsuits to be with her - in order to "win". Had she loved him, his kids' future would have been important to her. And both of them were so self serving and stupid. How dare you risk your husband being told by a judge when he can see his kids. That infuriated me, especially since my wh used me being with the kids to facilitate seeing the ow. He essentially left me to be mom and dad so he could run to another woman and complain about me. Never was so concerned as to actually call to check on the kids or tell us he wasn't coming home, yet he was the better partner in our marriage, and got sympathy from an equally idiotic lover. Do you see how selfish and nonsensical all this is?

 

If you're missing things in your marriage, there's always a possibility you're not giving them either. The therapist my husband sees told him that he was always chasing the golden ticket - professionally, egotistically - ignoring his family to chase potential buckets of gold. With the ow, the "prize" was baseless flattery. How could he be so awesome? She didn't even know him. He didn't want to lose out on the ego stroking, so pursued it. The therapist told him that the real golden ticket was me. That the only worthwhile prize was sitting in his home, waiting to love him and be loved in return.

 

Don't make things harder than they need to be.

[MaxineR]

Hi Flemishswansong

 

Thank you for your tips. Rest assured he and I cannot go physical as he had moved to another country. He still has my number of course and my email. But so far he has not tried to reach me. I know its because he also knows he has to keep his distance to avoid the pain it might cause me as he knows how much I am drawn to him.

 

when he left I was heartbroken and cried although I had no right to be. You are right. I was starting to be emotionally involved as there was so much chemistry between us but we didn't go to that extent as we both knew we had families in our minds. We were living those last moments and till today those moments are in my head and makes it hard for me to get over what we shared.

 

I will self discipline myself not to contact him.and cut off all triggers eg. Listening to romance ballads... I am praying very hard for strength to stop these feelings and take yr advice on how to put him away from my mind...

 

I

[Joie]

Date nights are great to try and reconnect but if you really want to reconnect you need to tell him everything including that you started having an affair. My wh tried to fix our marriage for months without telling me what he did and while it made things better it didn't solve our problems because only one person knew the whole story. When he finally told me the truth I was devastated. However, it allowed us to heal and reconnect. I won't lie. It was hard work. It took months of therapy, date nights, faking it until we made it, finding things that make us happy together. But if you don't tell him the truth you can't really fix your problem.

 

My wh had an A because he was unhappy. I admit that some things I did increased his unhappiness. However, he spent a great deal of time thinking I KNEW what was wrong. That I KNEW he needed me to do this or that. After all he was constantly talking about it. The problem was he was talking about it to his AP and friends instead of me. He was shocked that I was shocked when he finally told me what he needed.

[MaxineR]

Hi Joie. Thank you for sharing your story with me. We did not have a sexual affair although we only kissed and made out but stopped before things got too far. My husband was no saint in the early days of being together and I knew there were women going after him. I closed my eye waiting for him to wake up and realise I was not going to be around forever. And when he finally realised he wanted to spend his life with me the late nights of drinking stopped and text messages from.other women stopped too. As we settled into our marriage and had our 2 kids he started to take.us for granted... not putting more attention to us but his work.

 

I used to think ok. Better his.work than an AP but as.time went by and even though I spoke to him about the lack.of attention me and the kids got he said he is the way he is. thats why I was drawn to MM when he gave me the attention I didn't have. MM has moved out of this country and I will not be seeing him anymore..I just want to stop thinking about him. I wish there is a hard rest button I could.push.

[Midwestmissy]

Joie, I could have written your post too. Wh withheld and then assumed I knew what he was going through and then was mad because I didn't address his unexpressed needs. So ran to another woman, who also only got snippets of reality. But man, she got him and didn't judge. Seriously? She was cheating on her husband and she didn't judge? How sophisticated.

 

Telling your husband that you almost fell into the rabbit hole of an affair will pop your fantasy bubble instantly. I agree that he needs to know the truth in order to move forward. That there's a man out there who knows things about his marriage that he doesn't know is soul crushing. Be prepared for his anger and pain.

[FlemishSwanSong]

Max, as you are determined to get over this MM and will not be seeing him, plus you are focussing on making it work with your H, personally I wouldn't tell him about the EA with a married man.

 

It does mean you'll have to live with it and be confident that no one else knows who could tell him and that it won't come out later.

 

You are the best judge of how he will react. If you think it will do some good and you can move forward then tell all. The reason I wouldn't in your shoes, is become it is over and you want to make the marriage work. I would worry that the revelation (depending on the reaction) could stop that from happening.

 

There are lots of different posts about this - does the BS wish they knew of not? Some seem to comment that it depends on the circumstances. I have been a BS (as well as the OW to a MM) and found out about the relationship as the EA was developing. If it had been all over, I'm not sure I would have wanted to know. The knowledge definitely has a very long lasting impact.

[jennifernyc84]

Hi Max,

 

I think you need to push those thoughts of MM out of your head by thinking of your husband.

 

Think of what attracted you to him in the first place.

 

Think of how you couldn't keep your hands off of each other in the beginning.

 

Think of why you married him.

 

Think of him with the kids.

 

Think of sexy times you guys had.

 

This sounds like a little crush. It could get worse if you let it, but you have the power to stop it in its tracks.

 

Wish you the best. And happy holidays

 

-Jen

[MaxineR]

Flemishswansong, in truth I feel the same about not telling hub. I know deep down I will not leave this family and him that I have for an EA and telling him will make him withdraw. I tried.to post a reply earlier to one of the ladies but it was supposed to be reviewed first. In case this goes through hub had women also going after him in lur early days of our courtship and he was enioying all the attention he got while I closed my eyes believing in love and it took him a while but he decided after 4 years to settle down with me.

 

He has since changed and no more text messages from strange women since.. he has settled in so much into our married life he stays home unless he has business dinners. I do not want to hurt him although sometimes he hurts my feelings with his lack of concern and blunt direct words. I hurt for my kids when they try to get his attention but he is too focused on his work or his own hobbies. However I am still determined to put the amazing moments behind. It cannot be healthy for me to go on like this so I have to focus on him and my kids no matter how.

 

Writing all my feelings and reading what all of you are advising me has sorted part of my messy thoughts and feelings. Time will heal me I know. I just wish for myself to blank out MM and move on soon. I know I will. I must.

Edited December 26, 2016 by MaxineR

[FlemishSwanSong]

In your own mind Max it sounds like you know what you need the do and I wish you the best of luck. I would prepare yourself for finding thoughts of the MM don't disappear that quickly and there certainly could be some emotionally tough days ahead (I say this speaking from experience!). I would recommend no contact and you will slowly get to over him. As others have said, try to focus on the good times with your H.