Is this normal?

[benpom]

We had a very bad divorce, finalized about a month ago. We did not talk during the 9-month separation before the divorce was final. It was just lawyers taking care of everything.

 

In the recent week, he came over to my place to play with children and have dinner twice, and brought over small presents. Today, he had lunch with my close friends (who are like family to me here) and played with children at my place.

 

Is this expected for newly divorced parents?

 

Some background story:

1. (In reversed time order)

Two days ago, I asked him if he would go out with me and children together, he hesitated and said he wouldn't have time.

A week ago, I asked him if he would go out with me and children together, he said no.

A few months ago, he did not want to talk to me ever again.

2. He is not dating anyone right now and he said he does not want to date anyone again.

3. He told me I was his first love. To me, he was my first real relationship.

4. I was the first one to give up on our relationship. He was the one to actually file divorce.

5. Things are not easy on his side lately, in terms of health, and balance between work and kids. For me, things are similar. I am starting a new career -- tons of work and little income. Lucky for me, he is willing to take care of kids when I need to work extra. But I really don't want to give him extra burden with kids because of his health problems.

 

I really would like us to get back together. But if we don't, I still would like us to stay as friends.

 

Two months ago, I thought we won't talk again in one or two years. But here we are spending time together with children. I am somewhat confused and a little scared because things are going way better than I anticipated.

 

Any advice what I should or should not do?

Edited December 26, 2016 by benpom

[umirano]

Why did he want to divorce you? He seems to take his fatherly duties seriously. So that's good, and also the fact that he is not sabotaging your household by taking the kids when you need him to.

 

I guess patience is your friend.

[benpom]

Why did he want to divorce you?

 

Many reasons:

1. I was mean to him.

2. I told him I never loved him.

3. I could not forgive him.

[Satu]

You should definitely let him carry on being a good dad and give him credit for it.

 

Apart from that, things are not clear.

 

Don't make any big decisions in what is essentially, a time of uncertainty.

 

 

Take care.

[kztar]

Many reasons:

1. I was mean to him.

2. I told him I never loved him.

3. I could not forgive him.

 

You couldn't forgive him for ?

[Texygrl]

First, it kinda sounds like you regret the divorce? Or maybe I read too much into it, I do that...

 

From his side, he is just being a parent and putting the children first. Never talking again wouldn't be in the best interest of the children.

 

When I divorced the father of my children, we didn't speak or see each other for probably 6 months (?). It was an abrupt separation/divorce as I found out he was having an affair, and I needed that time to regroup, and he was happy being "free" and having a 20 year younger girlfriend.

 

When we started getting along better, I went through a "oh, maybe one day we could be married again". Then I quickly remembered I didn't like him, and he has reminded me of that weekly for 8 years...

 

My issues was with boundaries (still is). I didn't know how to interact with him as not his wife (if that makes sense). I didn't want to be his wife, but I had no idea what boundaries were and thought if we get along then that means we shouldn't have gotten divorced. Which was/is absolutely wrong!!

 

Now, that I'm grasping what boundaries are, I've detached from him and realize "taking care" of him ain't my job no more! lol We are friendly, but not friends. I have no close family outside of my mother and boys, so I do know that if I was in desperate need, I could call on him. But I don't depend on him.

 

Our co-parenting has evolved over the years. I've been on vacation with him and the boys once (long story, but short version is it was good for the boys I go). I will occasionally go out to dinner with them, this past Thanksgiving he joined us at my mother's house. My goal has always been to give the boys the closest thing to a "normal" two parent family" as possible. And he's gravitated to that model as well.

 

Since I can't seem to find healthy relationships with men...I can only say I've seen divorced parents do what I'm doing now from the get go. It's all about the kids.

 

My advice would be to learn what healthy boundaries with your ex are, and get them in place. I've loved what boundaries have done for me!! And wish I'd known sooner I didn't know what they were!!

[benpom]

My children have been really ecstatic about all four of us spending time together.

 

Last few times, I invited him to come over for dinner and play with children. I also invited him to have a holiday lunch with my close friends who are like family to me. Afterwards, I was a little concerned about whether I was making him uncomfortable by inviting him to meet my family-ish friends, so I stopped inviting him over.

 

Today, he proactively asked me if he can have dinner and play with children at my place. I was really happy about it!