DelaneSi Posted December 25, 2016 Posted December 25, 2016 (edited) Hey everyone, yesterday me and my boyfriend officially broke up. I'm so hurt and devastated by this. Hes a very open, accepting and straightforward person. Its the main reason why I was falling in love with him. We dated for four months. Which I know sounds short, but our relationship was so intense and intimate in that time. I have never felt so alive in a relationship and he would always say the same. He took me to is hometown to meet his parents, I met his whole family. Appearantly he had never brought a girl home until me so this was a pretty big deal to him and to his family. Things were pretty serious between us for these four months. We spent so much time together, and we were happy by doing the simplest things. We enjoyed being together anytime we could. He would always tell me that I was the best girlfriend hes had in every way. He said that hes never been able to be open and totally be himself until he was with me. He was very happy. And it was the same for me, Ive never been able to be myself until I got with him. Well he said that the reason for the break up was because he could feel deep inside that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a commitment. He also said that he realized that he's okay with being by himself sometimes. That he wasnt sure if he was ready for a relationship. He said that it wouldn t be fair to me to keep being with me if he knew that in the back of his mind. He goes off to school in a few months and Im joining the military too. So we would have had a long distance relationship. He was really nice about the break up, really sweet and careful about what he said. Towards the end he said that he would still love to be friends because he still cares about me and what I have going on in my life. While we were talking he said that he was very torn up about the break up because he still really cares about me and really likes me. He said he was torn up because I was easily the best relationship he has ever had and he has never had someone care for him and love him the way I did. But he thinks that he wouldn't be able to give me the attention I need. I was so confused because he said that everything was amazing, and he feels like he's going to regret breaking up with me. Hes 24 and Im 20. I know he said what he said about commitment but I still really want to be with him. We didn't talk yesterday after he asked me to come over to talk. I texted Merry Christmas with cute emojis and he texted back "Merry Christmas." I also have his book that he let me borrow to start reading, so I'm going to have to contact him some day to give him his book back. My question is, how long should I keep up with the no contact? Do I also have a chance of him coming back and us getting back together? Especially since he said I was the best thing that has ever happened to him in a relationship. Edited December 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Swap post for paragraph duplicate 1
umirano Posted December 26, 2016 Posted December 26, 2016 Gut wrenching. I don't think I can give you a time frame. From personal experience you will have to maintain NC for well over a year, in most cases indefinitely. But time is not really the relevant criterion. How you feel, how well you are matters. A break up hurts like it hurts when someone close to us dies, because that's essentially what happens. We lose someone permanently. NC serves to minimize the pain and duration of the suffering associated with the break up. Do not live your life under the assumption that you will be back together. Do not wait around for him. He has vanished from this planet as far as you are concerned. Pretending otherwise will get you hurt. Most of the time people come back for getting an emotional fix, when things aren't working for them or when their conscience kicks in. In either case it'll cause you to get your hopes up only to have them crushed instantaneously. Breaking NC will get you hurt and destroy months of healing in a matter of seconds. I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm now 2 months NC after a a 1.5y relationship. 1
Brokenhearted0310 Posted December 26, 2016 Posted December 26, 2016 Hi, your situation is somewhat similar to what mine kind of was recently. My ex said that he loved me and that it was him, and not me. At this point, just feel all the pain and everything. No contact will help. I broke no contact a ton and it has just pro-longed my breakup which is three months in at this point. Try not to talk to him for at least a month. Don't make excuses, especially with the sweater. Because then you'll always find an excuse. I know it's hard, but if it's meant to be, sometime in the future it will be. Just not right now. 2
umirano Posted December 26, 2016 Posted December 26, 2016 I texted Merry Christmas with cute emojis and he texted back "Merry Christmas." I also have his book that he let me borrow to start reading, so I'm going to have to contact him some day to give him his book back. Mail all his belongings to him or have someone drop it at his place. My question is, how long should I keep up with the no contact? Do I also have a chance of him coming back and us getting back together? Especially since he said I was the best thing that has ever happened to him in a relationship. He was likely trying to soften the blow, or worse keeping a foot in the door. Don't keep your hopes up. He decided to leave. Don't try to second guess him. A lot of grief comes from us not taking other people serious when they say they don't want us around anymore. Your BF was transparent and polite about it. That's valuable. I'd appreciate it and start the healing process. 2
Author DelaneSi Posted December 26, 2016 Author Posted December 26, 2016 He actually gave me the book to read a few weeks before the break up. He let me borrow it. I was thinking to probably do the no contact thing for two weeks. Then contact him and tell him that I'm done reading it and see how things go from there. Since he said he still wanted to be friends. 1
Author DelaneSi Posted December 26, 2016 Author Posted December 26, 2016 Mail all his belongings to him or have someone drop it at his place. He was likely trying to soften the blow, or worse keeping a foot in the door. Don't keep your hopes up. He decided to leave. Don't try to second guess him. A lot of grief comes from us not taking other people serious when they say they don't want us around anymore. Your BF was transparent and polite about it. That's valuable. I'd appreciate it and start the healing process. He actually gave me the book to read a few weeks before the break up. He let me borrow it. I was thinking to probably do the no contact thing for two weeks. Then contact him and tell him that I'm done reading it and see how things go from there. Since he said he still wanted to be friends. (Sorry I'm new to this page and I'm learning how to post things on here) 1
umirano Posted December 26, 2016 Posted December 26, 2016 Do you believe you can simply be friends with him? Are you going to read this book? Or are you just looking for justifications to keep in contact? 1
Author DelaneSi Posted December 26, 2016 Author Posted December 26, 2016 Mail all his belongings to him or have someone drop it at his place. He was likely trying to soften the blow, or worse keeping a foot in the door. Don't keep your hopes up. He decided to leave. Don't try to second guess him. A lot of grief comes from us not taking other people serious when they say they don't want us around anymore. Your BF was transparent and polite about it. That's valuable. I'd appreciate it and start the healing process. Do you believe you can simply be friends with him? Are you going to read this book? Or are you just looking for justifications to keep in contact? I feel like it could work out as friends. Before we started dating, we were getting to know each other as friends for a whole month. As for the book, yes I am actually almost done reading the book. He loves to read and I'm sure he's going to remember that he let me borrow it. He said that because he still wants to be friends that he would still like to do things like trade books. But he probably doesn't want to text to only ask me for the book back, because I'm sure he doesn't want to seem mean. 1
Author DelaneSi Posted December 26, 2016 Author Posted December 26, 2016 Hi, your situation is somewhat similar to what mine kind of was recently. My ex said that he loved me and that it was him, and not me. At this point, just feel all the pain and everything. No contact will help. I broke no contact a ton and it has just pro-longed my breakup which is three months in at this point. Try not to talk to him for at least a month. Don't make excuses, especially with the sweater. Because then you'll always find an excuse. I know it's hard, but if it's meant to be, sometime in the future it will be. Just not right now. Thank you so much for your response. This relationship was my first meaningful relationship so dealing with this is very hard. I really do just want to be with him. 1
umirano Posted December 26, 2016 Posted December 26, 2016 Yeah, finish the book and return it. Like I said, every breach of NC will set you back. First timers usually learn the hard way. I doubt you will find being friends very enjoyable when you actually romantically loved the dumper, but I wish you the best of luck. You will always find a helpful community here for support. 1
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