Abusive relationship

[DSLR]

I just ended my one year relationship, seeing I felt my ex was abusing me. I'm 30, she 25.

 

I met her last year, and it took me almost half a year to ask to be my girlfriend. The reason for this was that I really liked her, and I didn't see her as a 'one night stand'. I respected her work, education, family, etc.

 

After half a year I asked to be my girlfriend, she said yes, but on one condition 'you really have to trust me'. None of my serious ex girlfriends ever said that before, I didn't pay too much attention to it.

 

Few weeks in the relationship she invited me to the opening of a bar from a guy she knows. It was her, a friend of hers and myself. She was talking with the guy and she asked his number, while looking at me to see if I saw it. She came back to me and some other people, and then she received a text from that guy, so she went back to him to talk (same bar). I asked her friend if my gf is a good person. The first thing she said, she is playing you. The only reason why you are here is because she wants to make that guy jealous. I didn't really believe it. I’m still not sure if its true.

 

Six months in the relationship I found out that she was still together with her ex. She told me she broke up with him, but he started to cry so she gave him another chance. In the end she broke up with him over text and showed it to me. Lying about this is messed up.

 

She had some work related bad situations and blamed everything on me. I was giving her bad luck. She failed one exam, also my fault. She made a huge error (legal consequences) during work, and blamed it on me (I was abroad for work, didn't make much sense).

 

She went for one to one dinners with guys that she met just a couple of times, but she said that they were good friends.

 

Her best friend told me that she cheated on me after 2 months in the relationship. I was drunk when her friend told me that, so I called my ex and said some irrational things. She denied that she slept with someone else. I still don't know if it's true, I guess it is. Why would her best friend tell me this (they are no longer friends).

 

During an argument she left the taxi and ran to two police officers, telling them I'm a stalker. I talked with the police, and they were ok. I left her then and went home.

 

Some of her friends take drugs and I told her that I don't like it that she hangs around with them. One of her friends told to sleep with 30 guys before she turns 30. I told that friend that if she wants to do that, ok, but don't tell my gf.

 

During all our fights I also said irrational things (name calling), seeing she knows how to piss me off. I never get physical, obviously.

 

Every time when we were out she was checking out guys. I told her not to do that, and her reply was 'I'm not looking, it's all in your head'.

 

Some other things happened in her past, which I can't tell but it's messed up.

 

Yesterday, Christmas Eve we had an argument and I left. She came back this morning to apologize but I ignored her. I send her one text 'I'm not spending Christmas like this. I'm done. All the best'.

 

I'm aware that I also made mistakes, but I couldn't handled it anymore. She texted and called me a few times, but I ignored it. My friends told me months ago to end it because I changed a lot since last year, in a negative way. When we fight, I was not the more rational person either, but again its just a reaction to her behavior.

 

It's hard at the moment, but I didn't have a choice. I thought this girl was different, shouldn't have let my guard down. I haven’t called or texted back. Its difficult, seeing I still convincing myself that she is a good person. We come from two different cultures, but I can’t use that as an excuse.

[PinkPampies]

Sounds toxic and like she doesn't care. It sucks that people are like this, especially the ones we care about.

 

I think you absolutely made the right decision. Cut all contact with her. Block her everywhere and move on. She may try to contact you at some point but it would only be to boost her ego. No contact will allow you to heal. You deserve so much better.

[DarrenB]

Negate all of the irrational behavior, abuse, conflict and whatever else and just begin to understand that when it comes to relationship's ending (especially long-term), no-one's really at fault, especially you in this case. Obviously decisions and choices can effect them, you and the relationship in general but how it happens is usually out of the control of the beholder.

 

Clearly, you just weren't compatible for each other anymore, and flaws of from both of you which you probably wouldn't even have identified yourselves just gradually built up to this ultimate ending.

 

You're best just putting everything behind now. You don't need to feel provoked, reprimanded or ridiculed... especially by your partner. You do not need such manipulation in your life, life's too short to deal with that type of baggage. There's nothing to salvage here, just to occasionally reminisce about a mistake you've made and how you've essentially conquered it.

 

No more analyzing, look forward and treat this whole predicament as trial and error. The faster you realise and accept you do deserve someone better, and to not waste time on such people who made you feel like such a burden or a tragedy, then it will become easier. You probably already know that.

[DSLR]

I know she manipulated me from day one. I convinced myself that she was a good and honest person. I think she is, but she has too much baggage.

 

Sometimes I just want to call her, but besides knowing that she will not pick up, I let it come too far already.

 

She booked a hotel for Christmas Day, just to get out of the city. She was waiting for me there, I didn't go. I feel bad, bad and sorry for her that she was waiting for me to apologize. Of course she doesn't mean her apologies. When she booked the hotel a couple of days ago, she was directly reading the cancellation policy.

 

None of my friends liked her. She got even rejected from a job because of her character. She lacks empathy, she thinks she is the best. If something goes wrong, she blames me.

[elaine567]

This isn't abuse, this is getting involved with a girl who appears not to be that serious about you and despite the many red flags, you stuck on in there.

 

She is young and is inundated with guys who are interested in her and doesn't really know how to say "no" yet. She is a kid in a candy store and is NOT relationship material, at this point in her life anyway.

If you want a relationship then it is best to stay away from girls like this.

 

The time to end this was when she asked for that guy's number way back, (even though you were "official"), not now after months of fighting, upset and heart ache.

Next time a girl seems more interested in other men than she is in you, then end it right away.

Also, if you want to "lock" a girl down, then it is best to not wait 6 months before making it exclusive and official. She took her cues from you, you were not willing to commit for the first 6 months, it was just "casual", so she does not owe you any loyalty.

 

YOU can't change anyone, they are who they are, and they will only change when they want to change.

 

The question you now have to ask yourself is, why did you put up with this for so long?

[DSLR]

The city where I live in has a toxic environment, having a serious relationship here is almost impossible. With serious I mean, no cheating. Cheating is socially accepted here. It's a combination of high salaries, and easy access to bars and clubs, almost 24/7.

 

I dated a lot of girls here. When I met my ex, it felt different. She was down to earth, although I thought. I waited so long seeing seeing I felt she had a BF, and I was right. I even asked her that, after a few weeks, she said no.

 

Yes, I could have made it official after a few weeks. I had the best dates and conversations with her. I have no regret that I didn't act faster. I respected her, didn't want to ruin it by sleeping with her right away. Plus my gut was telling that something more was going on.

 

I wanted this to work. I wanted a change in lifestyle. I honestly thought she was serious. She did nice things for me, and surprised me often. She talked positive about me to her family and friends. Never met her family, seeing they live in another country.

 

Lying and manipulating on this level, is abusive.

[Pugwash]

Hey DSLR I can relate to part of what you're saying so here is my two cents.

 

My ex was carrying A LOT of baggage from previous relationships, a somewhat broken childhood etc but instead of opening up to me she used to be extremely aggressive especially verbally which pushed me so far away from her in the end I broke up with her.

 

At the start of our relationship I swept off her feet for the few months so she was bowled over and wasn't comfortable to give out or be aggressive until about 3 or 4 months into our relationship, this is when I saw the real her.

 

For the first year or so I often blamed myself for us arguing in fear of losing her which was very naive on my part but hey that's a life experience I learned a valuable lesson from.

 

This girl thought the world of me and how I was the love of her life (so she kept telling me) yet why couldn't she treat her like I treated her? Sure I was an ******* at times, but we're only human!

 

At 29 years of age, she would sulk like an 8 year old if she didn't get her way every time, I mean she would actually begrudge me eating lunch or dinner if I was away working just because she would rather see me starve because I may have promised to bring her for dinner that night!

 

I'm not an overly big drinker, she definitely has an alcohol problem (drinks 2 or 3 nights hard every week and drinks casually at home when she's off too) and would claim to be "bored" if we had chill time at home watching movies if I wasn't giving her every single bit of my attention? Like WTF.

 

I also coach a soccer team on the side and she expected me to drop everything to spend time with her like miss training and games which I refused to do! She was also extremely lazy outside of her job and expected me to weigh on her hand and foot.

 

Nothing I did was ever good enough for any decent period of time and she had the cheek to tell me after 2 and a half years together after I dumped her, that "she would change" people like that NEVER change for any longer than a few weeks and its back to the drawing board again.

 

I'm actually so happy to be away from her now because she dragged me down to the point where I began to hate life (not suicidal), It actually got to the stage where I would see her and not know which girl she would be the nice one or the crazy aggressive one and it was 70% the latter. You could hand this girl the moon and she would say "where is Venus"

 

So don't beat yourself over this girl, you will find yourself someone who makes you feel special and she will be a distant memory my friend.

[DSLR]

My ex was different. She only became angry when things don't go as she wants. Every bad situation at work, she blamed it on me. She failed for a test, all my fault. She even broke up for that few months back.

 

She always told me that I changed her in an evil person, I believed that. Till I knew some things of her past. She humiliated a girl in public, she got kicked out of her flat, she bullied a girl to the edge, etc. These things keeps me of not contacting her in anymore. I knew all the above from the beginning, I was just trying to justify it for myself.

 

She never shows empathy. When she thinks she did something wrong, she cries to make other people feel bad. She doesn't know how to apologize.

 

When I introduced her to my some of my friends, they all said that they never met such an arrogant and insecure person.

Edited December 27, 2016 by DSLR

[DSLR]

I'm afraid I will call her today. Althoug I know she will not pick up.

 

Today is the first day that I have nothing to do, so obviously I'm thinking of her.

[Been]

She played you from day 1. Been there and it sucks.

When you date someone and they openly give their number to another MAN in front of you it's time to leave. By not doing that you gave her permission to do what she wants.

You ended it and people like that get bothered by that-you took "control" from her. If you get back I'd put money on it she dumps you quickly-and now in her mind she regained "control".

People like your ex love themselves too much to really love anyone else. I bet she's never alone for too long- has to feel validated seeing someone.

[BriaBri11]

She Sounds Exactly like my ex.

He was sooo much like her.

Do not blame yourself and cut off all contact with her. Do not contact her. He abused me in the same way, disrespecting me by flirting with women, contacting his ex, and then if I got upset or angry with him he'd hang up in my face and blame it all on me. In the end I found out he had sex with someone else, and I was crying uncontrollably in the phone. He hung up in my face and blocked me on everything. Never heard from him again.

 

Resist the urge to call. You wanna know if you ever meant anything, if she really cares. She doesn't. She doesn't love you because she's incapable of loving anyone right now. She loves attention. You're better off without her.

[DSLR]

I know she played me from day 1.

 

From some of the stories (guy related) she told me, I thought she was just extremely naive. She is naive when it comes to guys, at least that is what always thought, and still think. Of course I have no idea if her stories were true.

 

She was always very up tight when it comes to sex, and kissing in public (part of her culture).

 

I think she cared about me, she did extremely nice things (not buying expensive gifts). She did efforts to surprise me. Last year we had a fight, and she wrote like a 5 page letter to explain her behaviour.

 

I dont get it why her best friend told me that she cheated on me. She said it seeing she was tired of all the drama she caused. I would never say something similar to my best friends.

 

She would never talk bad about people, or talk behinds people back. She gets angry when someone swears, etc. She has a very well paid job, and during the weekend she volunteers (teaching refugees). How can a person be possibly that evil. I always assumed she was doing these nice things to make up for all the mistakes she made in the past.

 

I'm still justifying her, I know its wrong.