smile95 Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Can anyone help me in the area of managing your emotions? When I get urges to contact the ex(and they are often) how do I stop myself. It is almost like something comes over me and I HAVE to call. Almost an addiction....If I do give in, I am disappointed or feel rejected and then feel worse. I need ideas on what to do in order to get over the hump when my emotins go nuts. Anything seems to spark this. TV, radio, cuples, anything. Any suggestions on how to control my actions that come from these emotions? PS-Lindya....I had to mention the ex for an example. i did not know how else to explain my issue. Thanks!
Pyro Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 I have had the same urges myself. Managing your emotions has been one of the most difficult things for me to do, though it is possible. As far as the urges go, you must resist. I mean, you know that the relationship is over, and by contacting the ex, it will just remind you of the breakup and it will not stop you from wanting to contact him again and again. This is not a healthy habit. To handle your emotions, you need to keep yourself busy. For starters, try new and interesting things. It will keep your mind off your ex because trying new things can't remind you of anything from before. Stay in touch with the people that care about you. Friends and family have always helped me and through time it will make you realize that your ex was not the one for you and that you need to move on and strenghten your own life. Make yourself happy.
alphamale Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 Can anyone help me in the area of managing your emotions? watch old episoded of the original Star Trek and study how Spock managed his emotions and kept them suppressed...., no, just kidding. seriously now....Its good to stay busy and active and be with friends/family. the more you sit around moping and doing nothing the more your brain will work overtime to think of bad things....
whichwayisup Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Yup, Alpha is right. No, not the Spock thing... Keep yourself distracted, as long as your mind is busy you won't have time to sit and think about what is really bothering you. Everytime you get that urge to break NO CONTACT, sit down and do a list of all the s***ty things about him. Then read it, and don't do contact. Call a friend, or go out for a walk. Put on music, watch TV.
Author smile95 Posted July 17, 2005 Author Posted July 17, 2005 everyone says to get hobbies. I guess that is what I need to do. Find things I enjoy. Whatever that is anymore? Thanks guys! I really want to get over this, this time. Was literally sick all day yesterday. I sat there crying and then it hit me. What the hell good will it do to sit here and cry???? I am wasting time. easier said then done. FYI-When you are kinda on the skinny side, do not take 2 pain killers unless you want to throw up all day. I thought I was dying. I took them to be able to sleep the day away and it hardly worked. I was punished SEVERLY.
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Beth, when you keep yourself busy at work, sports or hobbies then your emotions are almost alway's kept in check. Unless of course you are dealing with a crisis with either work ,sports or your hobbies.. Volunteer at a pet shelter. Here in Atlanta we have Paws and they are alway's looking for people to play with and take care of the animals. I'm sure you have something like that in your city
Author smile95 Posted July 17, 2005 Author Posted July 17, 2005 I live in NC, so there has to be something like that....funny as you said that I was sitting here laughing(for the 1st time today) at my puppy chasing my foot. I just am counting on time to help. I know Ihav to do my part too, but I have tried this so many times and failed. i am just scared since I know that I love him that I will break. But, keeping busy may actaully make me think less of him! I hope!
katty Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 I once dated a guy for 6 years and every time we broke up I would find excuses to call. I actually became obsessed with the idea of talking to him, even though each time made me cry a little bit more. I even went so far as to lock all of my phones,cell phone included into the trunk of my friends car. I laugh at myself now about how obsessed I was with contacting him but at least that r/s did teach me alot about restraint. I now can handle n/c alot better when I have a failed r/s. My biggest hang up now is when its really late or I have been out partying I always want to call the ex, perfect solution for me was not to drink during the first few months of a breakup. I know this is no help but thought you might see how what your feeling is normal we all have that temptation. My most recent Ex just called me and even though he did the calling and it was only to tell me that a guy is telling lies on me in his town I still feel like crap because I know he didn't really want to call me but felt obligated to do so. I hate the breaking up process I wish I could go into a coma or something until I am healed. Best of luck to you. Try having a support buddy, someone you can call when you really want to contact your ex. That is what I use to do. It worked out well because he was also going thru the same thing and we helped each other resist the temptation of contacting our exes.
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 funny as you said that I was sitting here laughing(for the 1st time today) at my puppy chasing my foot. That's a good thing .. See it works
Author smile95 Posted July 17, 2005 Author Posted July 17, 2005 6 yrs! Wow-thanks for your story.....so it will get better. How long did you do NC for and are you still? At the time of the breakup did youthink you would never get over him? What about memories....did they fade?
Author smile95 Posted July 17, 2005 Author Posted July 17, 2005 you know what I find odd. Two things....one......I almost feel guilty when I laugh or do not think about him for a second. Weird? I guess since I am so used to thinking of him all the time? Two.....my life really is not going to change much...I guess that is the point i need to drive home! SInce we were LD, I never saw him(last time was jan). So really all that will change is the thoughts in my head. And the fact that I do not have to be upset withhim not calling or making promises. It really all is in my head. Everyone has memories right? I mean people break up all the time and get divorced. Imagine how i would feel if i had a wedding day to get over!
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 Imagine how i would feel if i had a wedding day to get over! It might have been easier .. With me there was so many intense emotions of hate / hurt with my divorce that it actualy was kinda easy to move on .. The last gf I had there was no hate / hurt emotions for me to help me me along and it took longer
Author smile95 Posted July 17, 2005 Author Posted July 17, 2005 Iwish I did hate him. I have a lot of reasons to be upset with the way he treated me, but never hate. Everyone tells me I should hate him by now. Maybe one day soon I will see what they do.
katty Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 It was hard as he-- for me to get over the 6 year rs and we bounced back and forth in a vicious cycle. I thought I would never get over him and as I posted before I had to go to extreme measures to keep from contacting him, we live in a small town and he immediately picked up with a girl on drugs who tried to cause me trouble. I also rebounded and realized that I was hurting an innocent guy who didn't deserve it and broke it off. It took a long time and then I met what I thought to be my soul mate. Weird thing is the original 6 year ex had come to me during this time beggin me to forgive him for the trouble his gf had caused me. He went on to say how I was the best person he knew, blah blah blah. He would call and I would chat with him and I always told my new bf, well weird things do happen bc I fell in love and my new bf and I made it work for 2 years long distance. LDs are hard. Well we broke up last August and he then told me in October that he was engaged. I was devastated, I called my original 6 yr. ex and cried like a big baby. He was so sweet and caring. I have had the worst time ever getting over my last ex and decided not to date,etc. for at least 6 months well I didn't find myself caring about another guy until my newest ex and I had already told myself that I would never ever love to the place where I hurt like I did over S. Well I know that I will get over this new breakup because I have not been in it as long but right now I am missing him like crazy. Now I am just so confused and upset over his calling me today and telling me about the other guy spreading lies about me. I have to keep reminding myself that he didn't call bc he missed me but because he felt obligated to tell me. I hope hearing my ups and downs helps but I doubt it. Thank God for this site and its members it has gotten me thru all of my war wounds. lol
Author smile95 Posted July 17, 2005 Author Posted July 17, 2005 It does help to hear different stories...it tells me that I am not alone. I am too in a crazy cycle with him. We breeak up, we do NC, then after a month one of us calls, it is so exciting to gt back together and then the cycle starts all over. I am not sure if this time it is different for him, but it is for me. I am getting no where by going back to him. LD sucks and he does nothing to make it better. Howare you meeting all of these new guys! Geez I wish it was easy for me! You must be young? In college? Maybe not? I guess the part that is hard is that I knw that he is not any part of my life, not even a friend. It is hard to switch my feelings like that. We did not fight really. He just could never make time for me around his busy life and it hurt me. I would call and he would not answer or ignore and then that usaully sparked a mean text from me and thenthat is whenthe ignoring me part happens. I tried to explain even if he could text me back when I call "busy" or "call ya later" I would accpet that. But he says "what am I supposed to stop my conference call and text you". I was just not important to him. Eventho he said he loved me, i do not think h knows what love entails.
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 It does help to hear different stories...it tells me that I am not alone. I am too in a crazy cycle with him. We breeak up, we do NC, then after a month one of us calls, it is so exciting to gt back together and then the cycle starts all over. Beth why don't you date someone local ? and to hell with the LDR guy. since you commuicate thru the phone or texts and you breakup then when you get a phone call or text from him, it makes you feel like you are back together with him even though your not.. Date someone local this will not happen
katty Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Howare you meeting all of these new guys! Geez I wish it was easy for me! You must be young? In college? Maybe not? I couldn't help but laugh at that because it really isn't new guys I am talking about a period of about 9 years. It is hard to break the cycle and I have been there sister, oh btw meeting new guys is really hard especially when you live in a small town in NC. I met my last one thru my sister. BTW I am definitely not young and should not be dealing with all of this crap, I am 37 years old. I should be happily married with a couple of kids but instead I am still single. I should have known better than to start dating this last guy because he is 9 years younger than me. I should have known I couldn't keep up. Quick question, I have been thrown a curve ball this time because it is the ex calling me do you think he really wanted to know about the rumor or is it possible that he missed me? I know I am dreaming but it does feel different when it is the other calling. I use to come up with all types of excuses to call my ex of 6 years.
Author smile95 Posted July 17, 2005 Author Posted July 17, 2005 Well, I did not mean for it to sound like we never talked on the phone....when he would call or text that would also lead to a call where he would def confirm we were together. i am trying to meet new people, but have no idea where??? I live in a huge city in NC and see people all of the time, but never in places to meet them? katty-I think that he prob called you because he wanted to talk. An excuse. But do not fall back-PLEASE!
Author smile95 Posted July 17, 2005 Author Posted July 17, 2005 No way!? Maybe we should meet, go out, and find REAL men! lol You know how nice it is today....I sat in this apt and cried all damn day! What a waste! Tomorrow is a new day. I am not going to let his calls determine my worth anymore.
katty Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 I use to date a guy from Charlotte and the second one I was referring to had family in Charlotte. I go to Charlotte some, maybe we can get together sometime and exchange war stories. lol. I will bring my journal of notes on my vicious cycle of on again off again that I had that lasted 6 years. Maybe it would be encouraging. It is so weird that you live in Charlotte because I just recently started to move there. Small world wouldn't you say? This is just too funny. I have been coming and going from this site for years and never come across anyone from NC. Sorry I realize I am off track but I just think that is funny. Beth, I have a bookshelf full of books on dealing with breaking the cycle and closing the door on the ex once and for all if you ever need any. Heck, I hate to admit it but I even have subliminal tapes, yes that is how bad I had it for my ex of 6 years. I can honestly say that when I finally broke that cycle with him and regained my control I have not had to read books, tapes, for the no contact I just remember how bad it made me feel and try to learn from my past heartaches. BTW don't get all excited it wasn't the books or the subliminals that broke the cycle but mainly just time and complete absence of that person in my life. NO CONTACT. Thanks for posting about my recent problem, I am going to just ride it out and try not to think anymore about why he really called.
katty Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Did you catch my last post to you, its so funny because you basically suggested the same thing I did. Maybe we can sift thru all the bad ones together. If only they came with warning labels. This is just to funny. We will definitely have to stay in touch. I am sorry you stayed in your apartment all day and cried. I didn't do much myself, just hung out with my two babies (dogs) I went out on a date last night with a guy that I was talking to, etc. before I got into my last rs and so last night I met him at his house ( beautiful large home, has been dying to show it to me) so I drove 2 hours to his house went to dinner, watched a movie and then drove home and cried most of the way over my recent ex. Why do we even put up with them. I should be thankful that the recent bf broke it off early before I really did get to involved. I seem to have a big problem letting go. I never figured out the message board on her but I think I will try and send you a private message, you will laugh at what I have to tell you.
dgiirl Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Ah beth... There's a few ways to handle the do not contact thing (all personal experiences) 1) Whenever you feel an urge to call him, call up a girlfriend and tell her you're trying not to contact your ex so you're calling her. She'll walk you through it. 2) Acknowledge to yourself that you want a man who would chase you and want to be with you instead of a man who you have to chase. If I started chasing my stbxh, what would that accomplish? I'd get more of his crappy treatment because I'd be scared to do anything to piss him off. Forget that! I might be in fantasy land, but I want a man who will pursue me with flowers and all that romantic stuff. And me chasing after the ex does not accomplish that. 3) Contact your ex! But notice the way he disrespects you and how horrible you feel and how you lose your self esteem after talking with him. Eventually (I hope) you'll realize that you're worth so much more and shouldnt be desperate for this man's attention because there's a lot of other men out there. Granted, this option worked only after spending a few months of NC. It was a total eye opener! 4) Just start to talk to all different types of people. The more people you talk to, the more you feel better about yourself and the fact that people like you. At first, all you want is the affection from HIM. Noone else will do. But in time, you start to get affection/attention from other people and start to forget about your ex. 5) Start doing things you wouldnt have done before. I just got back from a week from out of town, then followed up by a camping trip on the weekend. It's pathetic but I would never have done this when I was with my stbxh. I'm a party girl now because I had two social activities lined up in one week AND followed through with it lol I'm trying to not be bitter, but I think it's important for me to start to appreciate the things I can do now, now that I'm not with my stbxh. It's not like he prevented me from doing it. It's more like I'm starting to change my own behaviour and become whole again, and I have a choice on who I want to become. I'm no longer "his wife", which is what I was for a very very long time. My identity was "his wife". Now it's dgiirl, who tries everything atleast twice! lol I still relapse from time to time, but the way I see it, he hasnt seen any of my pathetic behaviour so all is good! I still have my dignity in his eyes. My friends might see a pathetic person from time to time, but he hasnt, which makes me feel strong.
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