I met someone, am I a Rebound?

[niji]

Frozen, I'm so sorry that after an abusive relationship this is what you get for "next". From the way you describe her, she seems quite self-centered. Many self-centered people are really good at showing a different side, trying to be caring and considerate (perhaps even unconsciously), but ultimately it's all about their ego boost. I had a friend who thought she was the epitome of goodness and being considerate, she turned out to be a huge attention seeker who "chose" a group of us to be her friends, and when she sensed that we weren't going to bend over backward to please her every need, she turned bat**** crazy.

 

Again she only acted like this once we were close to her. To acquaintances she was so kind, generous, and considerate. The way she treated her ex bf was just as crappy as she treated us, her "close" friends.

 

You sound like a really kind person that many stable, emotionally available girls out there would love to have. Don't settle and keep up with the rational thinking; that will get you through the BS until you meet someone as kind as you.

[Gaeta]

Sorry, I see why it came off like that. I meant I was going to step back and not be so available for her all the time. I want to create some space to gain some perspective. If all I am is just a boy toy to fill the void and give her a thrill, I want to make sure that I remove my heart from the equation.

 

After reading all the replies and taking off the rose colored glasses I believe she's using me as an emotional crutch or an ego boost. We talk for hours on the phone but it's always about her. I'm not making that up either. It seems like she's all about the physical aspect than social when we are together.

 

The other night I met up with her and a two of her friends from out of town. She really didn't spend that much time with me, instead, she was talking with a lot of guys she knew and invited them to sit with us, she sat between those two guys instead of me. I spent more time with one of her friends than her. She walked me to my car then wanted to make out.

 

She told me she found it thrilling that I'm her little secret, that I am something she has in her life that no one else gets to know about. She's said a few things like that, which in my mind say she's not relationship material and all I am is a distraction from all the drama in her life.

 

I'm not a coward nor a jerk. If I feel this thing between us is dangerous I will break it off like a man. I just need some space before I'm ready to just walk away.

 

Thanks all for the advice! You have been a HUGE help.

 

After you said all this I must ask why not removing yourself completely? Why pick to 'step back' ? What do you have to gain in this? Why don't you go search for a woman that has something to offer?

 

She is an addiction, just remove her like you'd pull on a band-aid. The time you will spend 'putting space' between you 2 is time wasted you could use to search for someone genuine.

[Sweetfish]

The Ex is constantly harassing her, sending her texts and e-mails daily to screw with her. She said he dropped off three bags of things she bought for him over the years on her porch last night. I don't really know what they talk about. But she gets upset everytime she has to confront him.

 

 

 

Sorry, I see why it came off like that. I meant I was going to step back and not be so available for her all the time. I want to create some space to gain some perspective. If all I am is just a boy toy to fill the void and give her a thrill, I want to make sure that I remove my heart from the equation.

 

After reading all the replies and taking off the rose colored glasses I believe she's using me as an emotional crutch or an ego boost. We talk for hours on the phone but it's always about her. I'm not making that up either. It seems like she's all about the physical aspect than social when we are together.

 

The other night I met up with her and a two of her friends from out of town. She really didn't spend that much time with me, instead, she was talking with a lot of guys she knew and invited them to sit with us, she sat between those two guys instead of me. I spent more time with one of her friends than her. She walked me to my car then wanted to make out.

 

She told me she found it thrilling that I'm her little secret, that I am something she has in her life that no one else gets to know about. She's said a few things like that, which in my mind say she's not relationship material and all I am is a distraction from all the drama in her life.

 

I'm not a coward nor a jerk. If I feel this thing between us is dangerous I will break it off like a man. I just need some space before I'm ready to just walk away.

 

Thanks all for the advice! You have been a HUGE help.

 

 

Reading your original post and this one... You just set your self up with another cluster B "victim"

 

She also told me she loves the idea of being free from a relationship and wants to explore new things.

This guy hired the sleaziest attorney in town that is all about hating on women and making sure the guy gets as much as possible in the settlement

she was sexually assaulted by a coworker

Dude... you have NO IDEA if this women is playing victim or is a victim and your already in superman mode. You have no idea if she is the emotional and abusive one or if he is.

 

After being in a BPD relationship you have no idea if this girl is looking for maximum damage to the guys ego.

 

I bold sleaziest attorney because I assume he is a man. guess what? most divorce lawyers are male or female and are sleazy because they are making money off your divorce and the more settlement means more for them.

[whichwayisup]

End it and distance yourself from her. WHEN (if) the divorce is final, then date her.

 

She isn't emotionally available and fact that you're a secret too isn't good.

 

This is going to end badly for you and your heart will get broken. You are the rebound. her little dirty secret.

 

Respect yourself and move on.

[Frozensushi]

Dude... you have NO IDEA if this women is playing victim or is a victim and your already in superman mode. You have no idea if she is the emotional and abusive one or if he is.

 

You make a good point. That's something I should have been on guard for because of my BPD Ex who put me through hell. This is a red flag that got me into big trouble last time and I'm jumping on the 'hero' train again, which is the last thing I should be doing. Have I not learned anything?

 

Reading your original post and this one... You just set your self up with another cluster B "victim"

 

I really have set myself up for failure here, huh? I can see it clearly now. After reading all these replies and my own posts, I can see the forest for the trees now and my feelings for her have diminished substantially.

 

After you said all this I must ask why not removing yourself completely? Why pick to 'step back' ? What do you have to gain in this? Why don't you go search for a woman that has something to offer?

 

You're right, I'm just delaying the inevitable by not nipping it in the bud. I was just conflicted on how I should proceed, but the more I meditate on this the more I realize I am making it worse for myself. I need to be with someone who doesn't bring a whole bunch of drama to the table from the get-go.

 

Frozen, I'm so sorry that after an abusive relationship this is what you get for "next". From the way you describe her, she seems quite self-centered. Many self-centered people are really good at showing a different side, trying to be caring and considerate (perhaps even unconsciously), but ultimately it's all about their ego boost.

 

Thank you niji, for the all the truly nice things you've said. To be honest, I should have realized this myself. My Ex was very self-centered and didn't show her true colors until we became close. She has everyone fooled into thinking she's this caring, selfless and kind person, when in reality it was all an act. She even admitted it to me once, she told me she almost got fired from her job for acting like "herself" once, as she was tired off keep up the facade all the time.

 

Well, the way I feel right now, it's the feeling I get when I know I have to break up with someone. I guess I know what I must do now. Ugh. What a bummer, but I'm glad I asked for advice. I was thinking perhaps I was being too emotional about all this ... apparently not by everyone's response.

 

I just need to figure a way to let her down gently. I think I will go with what OatsAndHall suggested. It's a mature and honest way to go about it.

 

Again, thank you all for the support. <3

[Miss Peach]

The Ex is constantly harassing her, sending her texts and e-mails daily to screw with her. She said he dropped off three bags of things she bought for him over the years on her porch last night. I don't really know what they talk about. But she gets upset everytime she has to confront him.

 

It sounds like he's still trying to control her. She's upset because it's an invasion and just stirring up drama and making it difficult to move on. She may not yet have the self esteem to put him in his place as being in that dynamic takes a huge control on self esteem.

[smackie9]

Just because you make the wise choice to back out doesn't mean she is going to fall off the face of the earth. You have known each other for years and why should that end there? She will be around.......just give her the space she truly needs to heal, and get her life sorted out on her own. There could be a chance down the road when you both will be in a better state of mind, that you could start a relationship for the right reasons.

[Frozensushi]

Just because you make the wise choice to back out doesn't mean she is going to fall off the face of the earth. You have known each other for years and why should that end there? She will be around.......just give her the space she truly needs to heal, and get her life sorted out on her own. There could be a chance down the road when you both will be in a better state of mind, that you could start a relationship for the right reasons.

 

This is something I hope could eventually happen. I plan to leave the door open for if or when that day should arrive. You're right, we have a history together and I would love to have the opportunity to start over when we are both in a better place in life.

 

I know she cares about me, but at the same time, I need to lookout for myself as well. It would benefit us both to take some time apart. I also feel she needs to get whatever it is out of her system. Let some other guy(s) be the FWB/rebound/casual fling, I'm worth more than that. I have a lot to offer to a potential partner, I deserve to be in a healthy relationship.

 

Thanks smackie for your views on this subject.