I met someone, am I a Rebound?

[Frozensushi]

I've been seeing this amazing woman for about a month now. It just sort of happened out of the blue. We are compatible on so many levels, there have been no red flags up until now. The thing is, she's still married but going through a divorce. They split up in May. They were married for 13 years and have a 15-year-old daughter. He was very emotionally and physically abusive to her. He still calls and e-mails her every day to mess with her head, to retain the power he's had over her for years. She told me it's over with, that she has no feelings for him. She also told me she loves the idea of being free from a relationship and wants to explore new things. Not sure if that means with me or in general.

 

She's been keeping me a secret from her friends and family, but they know something is up because of the effect I've had on her. She gets teased at work about it. She's also terrified of her Ex finding out because he would go ballistic and could potentially cause big problems. This guy hired the sleaziest attorney in town that is all about hating on women and making sure the guy gets as much as possible in the settlement.

 

I like her so much and feel there could be something special between us. I'm just concerned that I'm possibly a rebound from an extremely toxic relationship. She's compared me with her Ex a few times because I'm so different than him. I think she tells me because of how polar opposite I am from him, to compliment me in a way. Other than that, I really want to pursue a relationship with her but uncertain of how I should proceed. The mixed messages I get from her could be nothing. We both agree how unexpected this union is. She told me she thinks she might be ready to love again. So there's that.

 

Has anyone gone through something similar? I'm obviously going to tread with caution. Is there anything I should look out for that might be concerning?

 

Thank you for taking the time to read!

[Satu]

"Question I met someone, am I a Rebound?"

 

 

I think you know the answer to that yourself.

 

 

Take care.

[Shanex]

I'm afraid you are. The woman who keeps mentioning about her ex after starting something with a new guy (you) is a red flag in itself.

[Frozensushi]

"Question I met someone, am I a Rebound?"

 

I think you know the answer to that yourself.

 

Unfortunately, you're right. Just my luck I meet someone who's perfect for me and I'm a just a stepping stone. :\

 

I'm afraid you are. The woman who keeps mentioning about her ex after starting something with a new guy (you) is a red flag in itself.

 

I agree. That is a red flag. Do you think this is something I shouldn't pursue?

[Shanex]

Are you the one pursuing or is she?

 

I've been in your situation a number of times and wasn't happy about exes keep mentioning about their own ex. But we were still together for a while. I'm not saying you should quit, or break up. Make things clear that you don't need to be reminded of her ex all the time.

[Frozensushi]

Are you the one pursuing or is she?

 

I've been in your situation a number of times and wasn't happy about exes keep mentioning about their own ex. But we were still together for a while. I'm not saying you should quit, or break up. Make things clear that you don't need to be reminded of her ex all the time.

 

She pursued me at first, but now it feels like a game of tag. She and I have really good communication thus far and have been able to discuss various things freely. I know she would be very considerate of my feelings if I asked.

 

I just don't want to waste my time and open myself up if it's a futile endeavor. She's really awesome, we have so much in common and it would be a shame to end it just as it begins.

[Shanex]

Then don't end it, but don't make yourself too available. If she's interested, let her chase you around a bit. If she doesn't, there goes your answer.

[Frozensushi]

Then don't end it, but don't make yourself too available. If she's interested, let her chase you around a bit. If she doesn't, there goes your answer.

 

Thank you, Shanex. This was my initial feeling about it. I appreciate your thoughts and advice. That's exactly what I needed to hear.

[Satu]

There's nothing that says you have to end it.

 

There's nothing that says it can't work.

 

Just be mindful of the fact that there is a potential stumbling block.

 

 

Take care.

[Frozensushi]

Just be mindful of the fact that there is a potential stumbling block.

 

Thank you Satu, I realize this and that is why I'm treading with caution. She's a very spiritual and honest woman. I truly believe her intentions are honorable. That being said, I need to protect myself regardless of how I feel.

 

Thank you for the guidance!

[joseb]

Keep seeing her if you just want a fling. She has pretty much said as much : "She also told me she loves the idea of being free from a relationship and wants to explore new things", she hides you from friends and family,

so if you are ok with that then enjoy it for what it is.

 

p.s. getting compared to an ex is never good, even if it's made to sound like a compliment, and I'm very wary of partners that go on about how bad exes are.

[elaine567]

...she's still married but going through a divorce.

They split up in May.

 

He was very emotionally and physically abusive to her.

 

He still calls and e-mails her every day to mess with her head, to retain the power he's had over her for years.

She also told me she loves the idea of being free from a relationship and wants to explore new things.

She's been keeping me a secret from her friends and family

 

She's also terrified of her Ex finding out because he would go ballistic and could potentially cause big problems.

 

She's compared me with her Ex a few times because I'm so different than him.

 

Is there anything I should look out for that might be concerning?

 

Its there anything about her that isn't concerning?

The main concerns I have.

 

1. Of course you are a rebound, she has had no time to process this. 15+ years with an abuser doesn't get wiped out in a few months.
   
2. He is still hanging around. Do not be surprised if she decides to give him another chance.
   
3. He could be a danger to you.
   
4. She is hiding you and doesn't want him to find out - not good.
   
5. She is now FREE and grabbed the first guy around, ie you. She will not be ready to be tied down again. Fine for a quick fling and I emphasise the quick, do not get too involved.
   
6. She stayed with an abuser for 15+ years - she will be damaged. No-one gets over that in a few short months. She will most likely also have core issues that in order for her to have a healthy relationship with anyone need addressed.
   

I know you have just come from the frying pan so do not just jump into the fire, is my advice.

[OatsAndHall]

I don't involve myself with women who have "crazy-ex" drama going on, no matter how fantastic they are or may seem to be. I have been down this road before and it does not make for a stable relationship. They may have cut all ties with the guy and be great person but having that ex hanging around just causes problems that are not worth it for me. That may not be fair to the woman as it isn't their fault but I have been down that road and it's awful. For me, it was five years of restraining and no trespassing orders, repeated calls to the police and harassment/stalking charges. And, purchasing a firearm and reading up on the "Stand Your Ground/Castle Doctrine" laws in our state.. I ended up divorced from the woman anyway. I was a total waste of five years of my life. And, honestly, my situation wasn't unique.

 

You could be in for a rough ride down the road as she is still married to the guy, he appears to be unstable and is still around, and she is keeping your relationship hidden from everyone. Bad, bad news.

[Gaeta]

I don't understand why a grown up man would consciously and willingly date a woman with so many red flags and drama.

[OatsAndHall]

I don't understand why a grown up man would consciously and willingly date a woman with so many red flags and drama.

 

I was pretty much in the OP's shoes in my marriage so I can relate to him. My ex wife was six months out of a messy, long term, abusive relationship when I met her. I ignored all kinds of red flags and advice from friends because she always made me feel like some kind of savior. She told me stories of how horrible he was, would then compare me to him and flatter me upside and down. I was already falling for her and all of the drama and the compliments blinded me to all of the baggage. Couple all of that with the fact that she has a masters degree, is in a professional field and I truly fell for her victim act. My self-esteem got a double-whammy.. I not only met "The One" but I also got to "save" her and my former step-children at the same time. Plus, even with all of the b.s. that is going on, I felt like nothing could go wrong in our relationship. I was "The Knight In Shining Armor" and we could get through anything since we were surviving all of the crap. It was stressful but there was a strong sense of security.

[TheTraveler]

 

I just don't want to waste my time and open myself up if it's a futile endeavor.

 

Then don't. It's only been a month. I would suggest you continue to date others

[Frozensushi]

Its there anything about her that isn't concerning?

The main concerns I have.

 

1. Of course you are a rebound, she has had no time to process this. 15+ years with an abuser doesn't get wiped out in a few months.
   
2. He is still hanging around. Do not be surprised if she decides to give him another chance.
   
3. He could be a danger to you.
   
4. She is hiding you and doesn't want him to find out - not good.
   
5. She is now FREE and grabbed the first guy around, ie you. She will not be ready to be tied down again. Fine for a quick fling and I emphasise the quick, do not get too involved.
   
6. She stayed with an abuser for 15+ years - she will be damaged. No-one gets over that in a few short months. She will most likely also have core issues that in order for her to have a healthy relationship with anyone need addressed.
   

I know you have just come from the frying pan so do not just jump into the fire, is my advice.

 

 

*sigh* You're so right, I realized all this myself. I really do like her, I've known her for years and we know a lot of the same people. It's such a shame because we are so compatible.

 

She told her daughter about me last night and she really wants to meet me, they wanted me to come over, that was all unexpected. Her daughter saw the Xmas card I made for her mom and the gifts and tree ornaments I gave her mom. I thought she was gonna hide all that. Guess not.

 

But the crazy ex drama plus the years of damage from that is problematic for sure. I forgot to mention she was sexually assaulted by a coworker last year, which she's brought up a few times. She's seeing a therapist to work on these issues. She told me she hopes the damage from her bad experience with these men doesn't reflect how she sees and treats me. This hasn't happened yet, but at least she's aware that it could.

 

She's invited me over for dinner tomorrow to celebrate my birthday. After that, I will pull back and remain unavailable. I don't want to hurt her as she is a very sweet and loving person. But after confirming with you all that this could potentially be a huge distataer, I don't want to deal with any of that, especially since I only got out of an extremely toxic relationship only 4 months ago.

 

Thank you all for the advice. I have some thinking to do.

[OatsAndHall]

*sigh* You're so right, I realized all this myself. I really do like her, I've known her for years and we know a lot of the same people. It's such a shame because we are so compatible.

 

She told her daughter about me last night and she really wants to meet me, they wanted me to come over, that was all unexpected. Her daughter saw the Xmas card I made for her mom and the gifts and tree ornaments I gave her mom. I thought she was gonna hide all that. Guess not.

 

But the crazy ex drama plus the years of damage from that is problematic for sure. I forgot to mention she was sexually assaulted by a coworker last year, which she's brought up a few times. She's seeing a therapist to work on these issues. She told me she hopes the damage from her bad experience with these men doesn't reflect how she sees and treats me. This hasn't happened yet, but at least she's aware that it could.

 

She's invited me over for dinner tomorrow to celebrate my birthday. After that, I will pull back and remain unavailable. I don't want to hurt her as she is a very sweet and loving person. But after confirming with you all that this could potentially be a huge distataer, I don't want to deal with any of that, especially since I only got out of an extremely toxic relationship only 4 months ago.

 

Thank you all for the advice. I have some thinking to do.

 

I would sit down and have a frank conversation with her before you decide to distance yourself or cut ties. It sounds like she has a lot on her plate so I would lay it all out for her. It'll hurt her far more if you tap out with an explanation.

 

I would simply explain to her that I wasn't ready to become further involved with her given that her divorced hasn't been finalized and that that you don't want to complicate the situation any further. She doesn't realize it, but your presence truly is complicating things for her and her daughter as well. She's already dealing with a nasty divorce and tossing a boyfriend into that mix just fans the flames.

 

I did everything I could to remain low-key when I first began dating my ex-wife as I knew that her ex was a crazy idiot but it blew up when the kids started talking about me around him.

[smackie9]

The heart wants what the heart wants am I right? The unfortunate thing is you will inherit her personal issues and in time after the infatuation period fades, will start to wear you down.

 

Just me, but I think you need to slow things down A LOT. Have that talk with her that you need to back off due to the fact the divorce is not final, etc And it's only fair that she has her life sorted out first, and not use you as an escape.

[basil67]

Edited: apparently I should have read all the posts before adding my comments.

[Sweetfish]

She pursued me at first, but now it feels like a game of tag. She and I have really good communication thus far and have been able to discuss various things freely. I know she would be very considerate of my feelings if I asked.

 

I just don't want to waste my time and open myself up if it's a futile endeavor. She's really awesome, we have so much in common and it would be a shame to end it just as it begins.

 

 

Please don't do this to your self..

 

She will go back to her EX

[Sweetfish]

I don't understand why a grown up man would consciously and willingly date a woman with so many red flags and drama.

 

because we need to have purpose.

 

Think about why men buy beat up cars...lol

[Gaeta]

She's invited me over for dinner tomorrow to celebrate my birthday. After that, I will pull back and remain unavailable. I don't want to hurt her as she is a very sweet and loving person. But after confirming with you all that this could potentially be a huge distataer, I don't want to deal with any of that, especially since I only got out of an extremely toxic relationship only 4 months ago.

 

Don't be a coward and fade away. That will hurt her more. Just have enough respect for her to break it up. It's not because she is not ready for a relationship that she doesn't deserve a minimum of consideration. After all the hurt she went through, the hurt she is still dealing with, don't add up on top of that by being a fading jerk.

[Miss Peach]

I'm in a similar situation to some extent dating someone going through a divorce. Being where we both are in life is my biggest fear too. We'll see what happens in a few more months.

 

My question to you OP is why is she in contact with the ex? Is it only co-parenting or divorce communications or is it something else? You mentioned she's in therapy. Does she know her role in the mess of her marriage?

 

FWIW, I met someone shortly after my marriage ended who was emotionally abusive. I was committed to doing the emotional work on myself regardless of what I was doing dating-wise. He was what I needed at the time and if he has been more emotionally available and a little better fit for who I am now I might still be with him. He is still in my life though - my only ex I remain good friends with.

 

I also agree with Gaeta, if you decide to move on, be a man and actually break up with her. The slow fade or ghosting hurt way more. It's not kind; it's cruel.

[Frozensushi]

My question to you OP is why is she in contact with the ex? Is it only co-parenting or divorce communications or is it something else? You mentioned she's in therapy. Does she know her role in the mess of her marriage?

 

The Ex is constantly harassing her, sending her texts and e-mails daily to screw with her. She said he dropped off three bags of things she bought for him over the years on her porch last night. I don't really know what they talk about. But she gets upset everytime she has to confront him.

 

Don't be a coward and fade away. That will hurt her more. Just have enough respect for her to break it up. It's not because she is not ready for a relationship that she doesn't deserve a minimum of consideration. After all the hurt she went through, the hurt she is still dealing with, don't add up on top of that by being a fading jerk.

 

Sorry, I see why it came off like that. I meant I was going to step back and not be so available for her all the time. I want to create some space to gain some perspective. If all I am is just a boy toy to fill the void and give her a thrill, I want to make sure that I remove my heart from the equation.

 

After reading all the replies and taking off the rose colored glasses I believe she's using me as an emotional crutch or an ego boost. We talk for hours on the phone but it's always about her. I'm not making that up either. It seems like she's all about the physical aspect than social when we are together.

 

The other night I met up with her and a two of her friends from out of town. She really didn't spend that much time with me, instead, she was talking with a lot of guys she knew and invited them to sit with us, she sat between those two guys instead of me. I spent more time with one of her friends than her. She walked me to my car then wanted to make out.

 

She told me she found it thrilling that I'm her little secret, that I am something she has in her life that no one else gets to know about. She's said a few things like that, which in my mind say she's not relationship material and all I am is a distraction from all the drama in her life.

 

I'm not a coward nor a jerk. If I feel this thing between us is dangerous I will break it off like a man. I just need some space before I'm ready to just walk away.

 

Thanks all for the advice! You have been a HUGE help.