Feeling devastated

[Jason0000]

I want to share my experience so hopefully someone can give some insight on my situation.

 

We were together for 3 years. Im in my 30s and she's in her early 20s. We always loved and cared for each other. I treated her like a princess. She always loved me and cared for me until one day when she was like I love you but the spark is gone. I know that's a common problem in early 20s and being her first love I can somehow understand that she feels the grass is maybe greener or she wants to explore things outside the relationship. Then comes the usual, she started taking me for granted and the more I cared for her the more she lost her respect for me. Classic 21st century girl mindset.

 

I never forced her to be with me when that happened. Never begged etc and all I did was trying to talk with her and tell her that she's going to lose a spark in every relationship as time goes on and that's something normal and it is a never ending work to reestablish that spark, not only in a relationship but in marriage also and it is immature to break someone's heart because of that. It is easy to find someone to love but it's hard to find someone who loves you. In the end it is all about finding someone who loves you and respects you for who you are. Love is much more than just butterflies and sparks. But as you already can imagine my words meant nothing to her because she needs to discover those things on her own.

 

So I let her be and wish her luck and all the best. She completely devastated me and broke my heart. I'm living day by day with this feeling inside me and it doesn't get better even after 9 months. I try my best to stay active every day, doing many activities but nothing seems to help. I feel lonely, worthless, heartbroken and so on.

 

I can somehow understand her behaviour because I also didn't apriciate what I had in my early 20s when I think of romantic relationships at that time. So I assume that's sometimes normal.

 

I was thinking maybe I should date some other girls and fill this empty space in my heart but I don't know if that would help because I still love her and miss her even after knowing that she broke my heart and put me through some insane pain. Also dating girls today isn't like it was before because today girls live in a world where they think it is all about taking selfie pictures so someone can see the famous apple logo on their phone. You know what I mean by that. It was different before and I feel like I don't belong to this new dating world anymore.

 

Anyone had similar experiences and what you did to feel better?

Thanks for your responses.

[umirano]

I catch your drift.

 

A few thoughts. Not all girls are mindless social media zombies. Sitting at home and pitying yourself is not going to improve things. Let go of your ex. Her need to date other people is a force of nature. Opposing it will get you killed. Date casually to distract yourself until you're in a better place. Some people don't date but focus on a project like building a house or a plane. Learn an instrument or read through a list of books.

 

It's really a battle of attrition. So you need endurance, time and patience to come out on top of this. Hang in there buddy.

[Ilovepizzalady]

I think too it's one thing to say to work on a lifetime commitment when you are in your 30s, but in the early 20s it's something totally different. They are just at a different point in their lives. Many are going to grad school or wanting to travel or focus on what they want. That's why I think age difference relationships rarely work out. You're at the marrying age and she isn't.

 

As for selfies, only certain types of girls do that. Maybe you need to think about what you really want in a girlfriend and wife, and the whole picture, not just looks or what have you but maybe someone more serious ? I doubt a 32 year old woman with a career or passion is worrying too much about her image. This is a time to find what you really want.

 

It is hard though and devastating to go through a breakup and only time and work will heal it!

[whatdeww18]

It's all about emotional maturity. You're at the age where you have been there and done that or are at least able to see things differently from your life experiences.

 

Speaking from someone that is at that age, early to mid 20's, I can say that I don't make the best choices. My ex boyfriend broke up with me for the same reason that she broke up with you. Said there was no spark, felt sparks with strangers, wanted to test the waters, going in different directions, pretty much every little thing you can think of haha... I did the begging and pleading as a reaction for all of 20 minutes and called it quits.

 

Honestly, even as a mid 20 year old, I can say that I truly enjoyed the fact that I was loved. I wasn't IN love all the time but worked around it. I think it was just how I was brought up, you make things work if you found someone worth it. People now do the whole falling out, cheating, and not really communicating. Personally, a cop out in my opinion.

 

But then again, there's that whole mid life crisis and cheating issue that comes up later. And it probably will happen again for these people, can't be satisfied with what they have and take the newer and shinier thing. They'll resent us, like kids, for not letting them go do it. But when they get there, it might be better than us. It might be the same and they realize that they have to put in the work after the honeymoon phase. Might want to go try out a few more. What can we do but just let them learn?

 

If yours is like my case, we were each others' first true loves per se. We both haven't ever loved as deep or never was that passionate before. The best thing for me has just been taking the first month as time to grieve the loss of the relationship and slowly learn to take control of your emotions. Approaching the two months, I'm in a much better place, learning the things I can do to be a better partner, and rediscovering what I want in a relationship and my boundaries. Not really ready for a relationship, but the fact that I'm dating has helped me discover more of me. Don't try and get into a serious relationship though, we aren't emotionally available yet, it wouldn't be fair to that poor soul.

 

Take care,

-WhatDEWWWWW

[Jason0000]

The worst feeling is when you think and remember how much love you gave them and it was so easy for them to take us for granted. Sometimes I ask my self is this reality or a dream because I can't stand the fact that someone broke my heart and I was ready to take a bullet for that person. I can somehow feel that she misses me now but her ego is much bigger than her love for me and that's another thing that drives me crazy.

[alterest]

Man, I also living the same. I'm 29, she's 22. We both are happy, she BU last year after almost 2 years, when I started to date 5 months later and after tryied to get her back countless times during all that period, she discovered and started talking to me as much as she can. She asked for reconciliation finally. We backed together for six months and she said our relationship was strange (ake: sparks are gone), then everything ruined and another BU for her part comes.

 

In the end, I can't see exactly what happened to her, because her complains do not fit to me (I felt so guilty at the beginning, now i'm go to a therapy and discovered more for me since then). Is more what she always idealized compared with what I am (first relationship and church girl). Yeah, I have issues and I try to figure out and fix them, but none are good reasons. In my point of view, she wants overemotions in all, like: to trust, we need to have long talks and tears.. and I just tell her some problems that I have and try to solve them (Always listened her when she had something, but i also try to help her to solve and she hates it saying: "I don't want your help to solve... it was a mistake telling you")... Finally, she is imature and wants to see the world (she entered in a relationship app a day after BU, she alse have paradoxal thoughts and plans, and anything will happens if you belive and dream... She is thinking like I was thinking at my 16). Even her sister and her father said that she is imature AF (they started conversation and told me that.. And I think she stopped comunications after found someone to talk with her). She is also an attention seeker, and I think that is another point to her imaturty.

 

I really think your ex fit in some of those things and I can tell you the same as the other users said: Move on. She is too young and you both living in different perspectives of life. It's hurt AF (I know and I still fell this a lot), but you can't do anything right now, only improve yourself and move on. If sometime she wants to back to you, then you think about it. Until that, focus only on you.

For my point of view: It hurts me a lot that she doesn't talk to me anymore (not even a greeting for christmas. I didn't send anything BC she BU and she tell me that she prefer to not keep in contact). If she wants to come back, that feeling will come in future, with living experiences and only if she misses me and want that. And my perspective is something like 1,5~2 years and, really, i do not want to wait that much for nobody.

 

I'm really sorry that you passing for that (especially BC similarities), but move on. It's the best thing you can do right now

[Jason0000]

Thanks for participating man.

 

I knew from the beginning that there's a chance she might do this to me when she gets in her early 20s but some other part of my brain was convinced that that's impossible because she was really acting like an mature person at that time. But one day comes and bang there she is taking me for granted and losing respect for me. I could see that 90℅ of those things she did unconcusisly and like her brain stoped working and suddenly she became a different person in so many ways.

 

The funny thing is that Im not some 18 years old guy crying and beging for her back because I know that her behaviour is somehow normal at her age but damn it hurts like hell maybe because I always put her needs before my own and loved her with all my heart.

 

Sometimes I think the sooner she finds a new boyfriend the better because thats when the panic comes in when the person realises they trew away someone who loved them for who they are. Some people regret their decision and some not. What's going to happen with her honestly I don't know because atm she's not the girl I felt in love with. The only thing that I care now is my own well being because I have some real trouble sleeping at nights and getting up in the mornings. I guess I'll have to live day by day untill some miracle happens and I start feeling better.

[basil67]

Jason, I know you want to feel better so I am going to send some tough love your way. It is not my intention to hurt you - rather, to kick you into reality.

 

The very first thing you must do to recover is stop using language which places you as a victim. A victim mentality will only ever hold us back.

 

*she broke my heart

*she doesn't understand how love changes

*she took my for granted

*she's a 21st Century girl

*she didn't appreciate what she had

*her actions where immature

*her ego is too big for her to return

 

Just stop it. Replace it with "I'm really sad we broke up. But it seems that the relationship was no longer what she needed"

 

 

Going a bit more in depth: The first thing which struck me me when I read your post is your very patronising attitude towards her and her decision making. The 'grass is greener' thing....you trying to explain to her how relationships work...how 20yos don't appreciate what they've got.....that she's a 21st Century girl for not falling back in love with you when you spoiled her ....and that you think she's missing you but her ego prevents her from returning...and she's going to panic when she realises what she lost. Seriously?? You really have to take yourself off that pedastal.

 

The second is that you are painting yourself as the perfect partner. It's like you cannot fathom that someone would actually break up with you. Judging by what you're written, it would appear that you are unable to look at yourself honestly in the breakup of this relationship. Thing is, NOBODY is blameless when a relationship fails. Again, hop down from your pedestal.

 

While you haven't given us any of your faults, I can tell you off the bat that treating her as a princess was a mistake. As was putting your own needs second. While it's true that *some* women want to be treated as a princess, the majority of us want to be treated as a woman. And we expect a guy to care for his own needs too. A guy who caters to our every need and puts himself last is BORING.

 

Your age difference was always going to be a problem. I guess she started out being flattered at having the attention of an older man who had some life experience. But now she's matured and has a better idea of what she wants in life, she's more likely wanting someone who she's more similar to in life experience.

 

Now this "Classic 21st century girl mindset" you talk of. It's not new. It's not 21st Century. It's not even a female thing. When people lose their feelings, it's virtually impossible to get those feelings back....especially if they really don't want to continue in the relationship. When they are gone, they are gone.

 

It is not immature to (break someone's heart) leave a relationship because we fall out of love. She didn't leave with the intention of breaking your heart - she left because it was what she needed to do. Immaturity would be staying only because she didn't want to hurt you. People do stay for this and end up so unhappy because of it.

 

You say >>In the end it is all about finding someone who loves you and respects you for who you are<< I think you're forgetting those very important things such as compatibility and being at similar life stages and goals. And while it's great that you loved and respected her for who she was, it would appear the love was no longer flowing back. One direction love isn't enough.

 

Today's girls live in a world where it is all about selfies? Now, I have a teenage daughter and I will attest that this is true for many girls of this age. But mate, you're in your 30's. I can't begin to fathom why you think that women your age do nothing but selfies. Do you have limited experience with adult women?

 

Give yourself a kick up the rear end. When you stop being a victim, it will start to get better.

[umirano]

Negative self talk. How we talk about us to ourselves, or to others, shapes us. Language shapes thoughts.

[Jason0000]

basil67 thanks for your response.

 

Believe me I'm not trying to make a victim of myself but no one likes being taken for granted. That's the only thing that hurt me the most. Of course I have made mistakes but never did something to break her heart.

 

At her age, she wants to explore things outside the relationship and I can respect that. No problem. I want her to be happy. I posted this thread only to find an answer on how ro recover from a heartbreak.

 

As for age difference I know many people where the age difference is same or similar like it was in my relationship and those couples made it work somehow and are happy in marriage today. I believed my case is going to be the same because she really did act mature enough until she became a totally different person.

 

Im telling you I wish her all the best but being taken for granted is hard to cope with when you love and care for someone. Only thing I know is that in my next relationship Im going to communicate with my partner from the beginning on the thread what really happens when the honeymoon phase goes away and how to cope with that one so no one gets hurt.

[elaine567]

Just because you care and love someone doesn't mean they return the favour.

Dating is about finding compatible people and what seems compatible one day may not be compatible the next, that is the risk you take.

Dating early 20 somethings looking for a long term relationship is a very risky strategy and whilst there is often a lot of sympathy garnered for the younger woman in that situation, the older man is often the one that comes off the worst.

He saw longevity, she saw "a few year at most" filler relationship. She gets the advantages of dating an older man, but does not want to marry him, God forbid!

Hence when it comes down to decision making time she is gone, taking all his hopes and dreams with her. A three year relationship had to go somewhere, engagement, marriage and kids was the next step. She was not ready for any of that, so she bailed.

She doesn't want to get married and get tied down yet, she has a life to live. Those 20 something guys around her own age, are getting hotter by the day and yes they now have jobs and cars and houses too. The advantage of the "older man" lessens as she sees she can get all the advantages in a younger package. The spark for you, such as it was, was no doubt diminished by the hot bright spark she saw in other men. YOU cannot "educate" to prevent that.

 

Dating "virgins/near virgins" sounds good, but "virgins/near virgins" feel they have missed out and they eventually, sooner or later, flee the nest to sample life in all its glory.

I would never advise anyone male or female to enter into a long term relationship with a virgin/near virgin.

Heartache awaits.

[Jason0000]

Yes, dating young lads and going in to an age difference relationship is a big risk today. I can assume Im ready for marriage while she isn't yet but I never forced her to that step because I knew she isn't ready yet and I was ready to wait as long as it takes and had no problems with that.

 

Yes maybe she became attracted to younger man but Im also in a good shape even in my early 30s lol. Maybe she saw someone better than me and forgot all the love I gave her. That's also possible, who knows, time will tell but in future Im going to ask my self twice do I want to give my heart to a younger woman.

[alterest]

Just because you care and love someone doesn't mean they return the favour.

Dating is about finding compatible people and what seems compatible one day may not be compatible the next, that is the risk you take.

Dating early 20 somethings looking for a long term relationship is a very risky strategy and whilst there is often a lot of sympathy garnered for the younger woman in that situation, the older man is often the one that comes off the worst.

He saw longevity, she saw "a few year at most" filler relationship. She gets the advantages of dating an older man, but does not want to marry him, God forbid!

Hence when it comes down to decision making time she is gone, taking all his hopes and dreams with her. A three year relationship had to go somewhere, engagement, marriage and kids was the next step. She was not ready for any of that, so she bailed.

She doesn't want to get married and get tied down yet, she has a life to live. Those 20 something guys around her own age, are getting hotter by the day and yes they now have jobs and cars and houses too. The advantage of the "older man" lessens as she sees she can get all the advantages in a younger package. The spark for you, such as it was, was no doubt diminished by the hot bright spark she saw in other men. YOU cannot "educate" to prevent that.

 

Dating "virgins/near virgins" sounds good, but "virgins/near virgins" feel they have missed out and they eventually, sooner or later, flee the nest to sample life in all its glory.

I would never advise anyone male or female to enter into a long term relationship with a virgin/near virgin.

Heartache awaits.

 

My ex was virgin when we met and I was her first boy friend and first sexual partner. She was 19 y.o. when we met and she is a church girl, but more activity church girl in the past. Suddenly she becomes more unsatisfied with our relationship, no matter what happens. She BU once and I fixed for myself then she wants come back when she saw that I have a new girl. We backed to date and six month later she BU again with countless reasons, but I see a lack of life experience that lead to that. Not her fault, must say, but she broke my heart and put all the guilty on me. After some months of therapy I realized that I have my problems and part in the end, but not like she showed up to me. I think that she did that to soft her pain by complain about the other and not herself. Anyway, trying to be rational in those cases is meaninless. Think about when we were nearly 20s, we thinked that we know everything and the world could be anything we want, then life hits our face and we realized bunch of things... They need to live that, even to realize what they want for life. But we shouldn't wait until that, because self-respect and we can't really know if they or they not come back. (in my case, she cut all contacts with me after a while saying that we need space... Funny part: she started 80% of all previous contacts)

 

In the end, that lack of life experience is hurtful for everyone and we can not do anything to prevent that... They are in different parts of life objectives and thats is the worst part, because they keep in that position until they reach 30~35 years. I do not bet on back, but if it happens I will see if what that mean to me in the time that she back. Until then, I move on, trying to find a new and good girl and be happy.

[elaine567]

... in future Im going to ask my self twice do I want to give my heart to a younger woman.

 

She has all the time in the world, but your clock is ticking, you can't afford to wait for years until a younger woman is "ready", you need to be dating in a pool of late twenties/early thirties women who are ready for marriage right now. Who are ready to put down roots and who have marriage and kids in mind now, not in some airy fairy future.

Women who have been there done that got the t shirt, and now know what they want. ie marriage and a family. I am not saying jump into marriage with the first woman you meet, but at least you know where you are both headed. Common goals.

Wasting time with very young women in the forlorn hope, she will be "the one" and will want to settle down with you in her early twenties, doesn't sound very sensible to me.

[PinkElephants]

Then comes the usual, she started taking me for granted and the more I cared for her the more she lost her respect for me. Classic 21st century girl mindset. .

No, classic ANYONE mindset. People don't respect doormats. You were a doormat.

 

Also, don't you see how you continued the cycle? You acted and she responded so you acted more and she responded more. You could have stopped but you didn't. Classic oblivious guy mindset.

 

I can't stand the fact that someone broke my heart and I was ready to take a bullet for that person

THIS is it. You think she's beholden to you because you loved her. Like she owed it to you to adore you because you waited on her. You built a contract in your mind and now you're pissed that she's not living up to her end of a deal she didn't sign up for.

 

I can assume Im ready for marriage while she isn't yet but I never forced her to that step because I knew she isn't ready yet and I was ready to wait as long as it takes and had no problems with that.

At 24 I was proposed to. I said no. He was willing to wait. The problem was that I was never going to say yes because I didn't want a life with him. You assume that your ex would have grown up and matured and still wanted you but you're wrong.

 

in future Im going to ask my self twice do I want to give my heart to a younger woman.

Why not date someone your own age?

 

Only thing I know is that in my next relationship Im going to communicate with my partner from the beginning on the thread what really happens when the honeymoon phase goes away and how to cope with that one so no one gets hurt.

Smh. If I started dating some guy and he said "ok, darling, when the honeymoon phase wears off you're not going to feel sparks anymore but you still need to love me because I'm nice to you and you can't leave or else that's immature" I'd laugh at him. Then I'd call up my girlfriends and laugh some more.

 

Act like a grown up, date grown ups and treat them like grown ups. This is how you treat a child. People get hurt in relationships. If you can't stand the risk don't get in one.

 

it is immature to break someone's heart because of that. It is easy to find someone to love but it's hard to find someone who loves you. In the end it is all about finding someone who loves you and respects you for who you are. Love is much more than just butterflies and sparks.

You seem to believe it's immature of her to leave you. That's judgmental which is unattractive and not a trait to respect.

 

You catered to her and had no backbone. That's unattractive and not a trait to respect.

 

You expect love in return for favors. That's not attractive or a trait to respect.

 

I can see why she didn't want to be with you but I wonder if you have the self-awareness to see your flaws and improve for your next relationship or are you seriously intending to lecture your future gf into staying with you when you're no longer exciting because you think you know better than her?

 

For the sake of argument lets say your ex is actually immature. Part of the maturation process in recognizing what is or isn't good for us and making positive steps to improve our lives. Leaving you might have helped her get mature.

 

Allow me to recount my dating history:

-In high school I dated a guy who cheated. I learned to have self-respect and walk away.

-Then dated a guy who wanted a family with me but I didn't want his name, his kids, or a mortgage. I wanted to live, finish college and travel. I pursued my goals and left.

-Dated another guy who wanted to lock it down but he had issues and I didn't want his name, his kids or a mortgage. I learned when to stop trying to help someone who doesn't want it.

-I dated someone like you. He was kind, devoted and a total doormat. I lost respect for him and the thought of sex with him started to gross me out so I left. I learned that "nice" and "dating material" aren't the same thing.

-Dated a hot guy who was also kind and devoted but had firm boundaries that I respected. We differed on a dealbreaker item and parted ways on friendly terms.

-I met the love of my life.

 

Every guy helped me get ready for my current relationship. They all helped me grow and I have no regret even though a lot of it hurt along the way. With every relationship I saw positives that I wanted to seek in the next man and negatives to avoid. I hope that they saw the same in me and that I've retained the positive aspects while growing out of the negative.

 

I traveled, I partied, had friends, lived alone, had adventures, made mistakes and grew up. I appreciate the amazing man I have because I've had much worse.

 

I also have a mortgage, a kid and and am considering a new last name to match theirs. I matured to want what others wanted me to want years ago. You may have simply been a growing experience for your ex so she could get ready for the love of her life. It might not be the next guy but that doesn't mean she'll never find it. Leaving you meant she's growing up and learning. What can YOU learn from this?

 

my words meant nothing to her because she needs to discover those things on her own

Precisely. Leave her alone.

[Jason0000]

Okay, here's the thing. I don't judge her for leaving me. That's her choice and I can't nor do I want to force someone to be with me.

My question isn't why she left because I know why she left.

My question was how to deal with a heartbreak.

 

PinkElephants, thank you for your post but none of that makes sense. You're telling that a guy becames a doormat if he loves cares and respects his girlfriend? Was she a doormat for me when she loved and cared for me? No she wasn't. So I need to be an idiot with my girlfriend so she doesn't take me for granted and doesn't lose her respect for me? Okay that's some funny mindset but never mind.

[kgcolonel]

Jason

 

One deals with the heartache by embracing the pain, not avoiding it. You learn from the pain how to be the best person you can. Breakups hurt and that is simply life, there is no shortcut to get over them. This should be used to ensure we are careful with our actions so as not to hurt others in the same way.

 

You will recover in time...be patient, work out, meditate and eat healthy and keep a focus on something you enjoy. Join a club on something of interest. Spend time doing things that occupy your mind, not as a diversion but as a therapy to improve yourself.

 

Time is the key, you will find that at first she will occupy your thoughts at what seems all the time, but later there will be gaps that you will not obsess about her, then days and finally weeks and then months.

 

This is when you begin to actually be ready to look for someone else to date etc.

[PinkElephants]

PinkElephants, thank you for your post but none of that makes sense. You're telling that a guy becames a doormat if he loves cares and respects his girlfriend? Was she a doormat for me when she loved and cared for me? No she wasn't. So I need to be an idiot with my girlfriend so she doesn't take me for granted and doesn't lose her respect for me?

 

No, you don't need to be an idiot. Let's start practicing that now.

 

You said you treated her like a princess. That usually involves gifts, catering to her, putting her needs before yours, not standing up for yourself, etc. That's not the same as caring and respecting but it is being a doormat.

 

That she took you for granted means she knew she'd never lose you which suggests you never stood up for yourself or asserted boundaries. I love my bf but I know I could lose him I cross certain lines. Your ex didn't feel that way.

 

It's also possible that your ex didn't take you for granted; she simply outgrew you. She's in her early 20's, still growing, and this relationship served a purpose until it became socially, professionally, educationally, developmentally limiting and you were holding her back.

 

As for your question about how to get over heartbreak, I got over my last one by sorting through it. I went through every red flag I missed, every one I ignored, every bad choice I made and sorted out why, how I'm going to avoid it and what I'll do if I encounter it again. It felt good to realize I had so much power to avoid making the same mistake again.

 

Why don't you try it? What mistakes did you make? What did you learn? What are you going to seek/avoid in your next romantic pursuit?