Friendship with an ex?

[DannyCA]

Do you think it's possible to be friends with an ex? If so why or why not?

Are there requirements for a friendship to work?

 

For example it being a mutual BU, the relationship never being completely serious, or both parties don't have feelings anymore, etc?

 

Out of my all ex's, I only really talk to one of them. Our conversations are nice and there's no hostile feelings. But in that BU, we both decided it was better to go our separate ways, and we did exactly that.

 

But another ex (the ex almost all my threads are about) hit me up 3 days ago to hang out and I didn't feel comfortable, so I said no. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to be friends with her again.

[basil67]

You've answered your own question. In the right circumstances it can work. But if it's wrong, then it's best to walk away from friendship.

[umirano]

I agree. It's situational. And it depends on how much time has passed too. But never go against your gut. Be especially careful around Christmas. Some people just need a quick fix because they feel lonely.

[Gloria25]

What does "friendship" mean to you?

 

I mean, nothing wrong with being "friendly" (i.e. if you see them walking down the street, you exchange polite greetings and maybe even have a five minute conversation)....

 

But, seeking him/her out to spend time with them? Sounds like someone hasn't moved on.

 

But, then again, IMO, women are more capable of hanging out with guys they have no romantic interest in - and could care less if the guy was hanging out with her cuz he had hopes that she'd actually date him (i.e. orbiters). Not me, I don't have male "friends".

 

If I'm making time for a guy, it's cuz I wanna date him. I do have male "acquaintances" (coworkers, the mechanic, etc.) with whom I am "friendly" with - but have zero romantic interest in and am not gonna give them ANY indication that they have a chance. I see chicks at my job being all chummy with those slimeballs and I'm not. They talk nasty stuff about me cuz they're pissed that I won't chat them up, but like I said, I'm not gonna play cute with some guy who I know wants more than just being a "friend".

 

I mean, I have a gf who invites a handiguy over for food and stuff - but then she bombards him with things she needs done around the house. I don't play that, I'm not gonna befriend a guy cuz I need something from him. I'd ask "How much do you charge to do "X"?" and, pay him for his services.

 

So, maybe she genuinely just wanted someone to hang out with - so, up to you if you can handle that or not.

[DannyCA]

What does "friendship" mean to you?

 

I mean, nothing wrong with being "friendly" (i.e. if you see them walking down the street, you exchange polite greetings and maybe even have a five minute conversation)....

 

But, seeking him/her out to spend time with them? Sounds like someone hasn't moved on.

 

But, then again, IMO, women are more capable of hanging out with guys they have no romantic interest in - and could care less if the guy was hanging out with her cuz he had hopes that she'd actually date him (i.e. orbiters). Not me, I don't have male "friends".

 

If I'm making time for a guy, it's cuz I wanna date him. I do have male "acquaintances" (coworkers, the mechanic, etc.) with whom I am "friendly" with - but have zero romantic interest in and am not gonna give them ANY indication that they have a chance. I see chicks at my job being all chummy with those slimeballs and I'm not. They talk nasty stuff about me cuz they're pissed that I won't chat them up, but like I said, I'm not gonna play cute with some guy who I know wants more than just being a "friend".

 

I mean, I have a gf who invites a handiguy over for food and stuff - but then she bombards him with things she needs done around the house. I don't play that, I'm not gonna befriend a guy cuz I need something from him. I'd ask "How much do you charge to do "X"?" and, pay him for his services.

 

So, maybe she genuinely just wanted someone to hang out with - so, up to you if you can handle that or not.

 

Here's my problem, a few months ago we had a conversation. I called her out for texting me at 1am telling me I looked good in the last pic I posted. The reason I called her out was because she has a bf. Then I asked her why does she needs to pop in and out of my life every few months? She replied she never analyzed it and immediately said I am over thinking it. She then made it a point to tell me 5 different times "she is in a very serious RS w/ her bf). Then she said she was drinking and that she shouldn't have hit me up at 1am.

 

I told her "you only want to hang out or talk when it is convenient for you". One time I visited the new state she lives in, so we hung out. Another time we both by random chance were in the same city, so we hung out. She was "drunk", so she complimented me at 1am. And now this most recent time she was visiting family about 2 hours away from me and asked me if I wanted to drive up to spend time with her.

 

Turns out there was a mix up with her plane ticket, so her bf was at their vacation spot and she had two days to kill. So her first thought is to try and spend time with her ex?

 

We have been broken up for nearly 4 years (even though it still feels like yesterday) and she has been dating her new bf for nearly 2 years. But every time we have spent time with each other, she has been in this RS.

 

I'm ranting now...but it just didn't feel right, so I declined to hang out with her

[Marc878]

This is an easy one. Block her on everything. The continued contact is your fault not hers.

[DannyCA]

This is an easy one. Block her on everything. The continued contact is your fault not hers.

 

 

Ok but this isn't a fresh BU. The contact with her isn't stopping me from moving forward. A part of me still enjoys talking to her, even though it never really ends well.

[Marc878]

Ok but this isn't a fresh BU. The contact with her isn't stopping me from moving forward. A part of me still enjoys talking to her, even though it never really ends well.

 

Then it isn't worth yout time is it. Block

[carhill]

Do you think it's possible to be friends with an ex?

Sure, anything is possible.

If so why or why not?

People are complex and life, for most, lasts for many years so change, a marked component of the human condition, is in play.

Are there requirements for a friendship to work?

IMO, lack of sexual or emotional attraction and a marked menu of shared interests.

 

For example it being a mutual BU, the relationship never being completely serious, or both parties don't have feelings anymore, etc?

Sure, possible, if both parties are on the same page.

Out of my all ex's, I only really talk to one of them. Our conversations are nice and there's no hostile feelings. But in that BU, we both decided it was better to go our separate ways, and we did exactly that.

That's a good example of one possibility but it doesn't sound like you all are friends. As example, do you go out as couples with your current respective SO's to shared interests? Alone? etc.....

But another ex (the ex almost all my threads are about) hit me up 3 days ago to hang out and I didn't feel comfortable, so I said no. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to be friends with her again.

 

Why did she want to hang out? Shared interest? Catch up on how your life and times are going? Meet your new dating partner? All things friends do.

 

Generally, when in doubt, follow the Harry met Sally theory, that men and women can't be friends. Accept any exceptions which occur.

[DannyCA]

That's a good example of one possibility but it doesn't sound like you all are friends. As example, do you go out as couples with your current respective SO's to shared interests? Alone? etc.....

 

Well maybe I should have elaborated. This specific ex went to school on the other side of the world, so before she left we decided to end it and it was left on good terms. So it's impossible for us to do anything but talk as we can't hang out. Yet, if we could hang out, it would be pleasant with no hostility.

 

Why did she want to hang out? Shared interest? Catch up on how your life and times are going? Meet your new dating partner? All things friends do.

 

Generally, when in doubt, follow the Harry met Sally theory, that men and women can't be friends. Accept any exceptions which occur.

 

And this other ex, I have no idea what she wanted because I didn't bother to ask. I wanted to see her, but I didn't feel it would end well, so I didn't see her. She asked me to hang out, and told her I was busy.

 

You say one of the reasons ex's hang out is to introduce their new partner, however with this ex, every time we have hung out, her new bf (of almost 2 years) was always out of town, including this most recent time.

[Sweetfish]

Ok but this isn't a fresh BU. The contact with her isn't stopping me from moving forward. A part of me still enjoys talking to her, even though it never really ends well.

 

 

Because either she is using you or you still attach to her in hopes when she dumps her boyfriemd she will be with you.

 

Really, if you both happen to be single you guys wont hook up again..

[carhill]

If you sincerely want to be her friend, definitely express interest in meeting her and her current SO as a couple.

 

Back prior to becoming married, we worked the ex issue because we were both older and both had ex'es and my exW was still friends with some of hers. I met one exH and one exBF, the latter living some distance away, and became close enough to the old BF that I ended up proposing to my GF, his old GF, at his house and, later, after we were married, spent a few horrifically sad days there as we all grieved his wife and unborn son being tragically killed. That's what friendships are all about, to me. Of course, you define your friendships as appropriate in your life.

 

If this is long-distance, IMO no issues other than it being satisfying to you and her, and respecting both your boundaries regarding friendships. You and she define that.

[Gloria25]

Sounds like you want more and she enjoys dangling this carrot in front of you.

 

So, if I'm right, why do you want to continue with this "friendship"?

 

Like others mentioned, if this indeed is just a "friendship", time to have a coffee date with her and current bf.

[Fair]

I would say no to this question. A friend of mine was boasting that she's stayed friends with all of her ex's but she also admitted she wasn't really attracted to her last boyfriend and this tends to be a pattern with this person. She's not conventionally attractive and is someone I suspect goes out with whoever is willing at least occasionally out of loneliness.

 

It just makes me wonder if this is the case with a lot of people who claim so adamantly that you can be friends with an ex. Ok, yeah, if you never really had any chemistry in the first place sure, it would be easy. But in my experience, it's simply not possible if there has been intense feelings between you in the past.

 

People think it makes them look good to claim they've stayed friends with their ex's... but you have to take it with a grain of salt. People do love to leave out the pertinent details.

Edited December 25, 2016 by Fair