GF of 5 years wants/needs space.

[Jimmyjackson]

I will go considerably farther and say that you completely move on with your own life assuming that she is gone forever and won't be coming back.

 

Don't contact her, txt her, check up on her to see how things are going etc etc ...... just move on.

 

If she does turn back up at some point, she needs to be the one that comes back with an olive branch and she needs to be the one that has the reconciliation plan and does all the heavy lifting and all the concessions and work to get back together.

 

She's the one that blew everything up so she needs to be the one that meets your terms.

 

If she doesn't want to do that or if she thinks that just because things didn't work out with her other guy(s) that she can just roll out the welcome mat to you, you really need to reconsider whether you would really take her back after all that or not.

 

Well I definitely agree with this point.

[oldshirt]

I totally agree. Sometimes people need to clear their head.

 

In fact, I WISH more people took time to clear their head instead of staying in a F'ed up relationship because they are codependent or can't be alone.

 

The alone time will help her decide if she really loves, misses and wants to try, or if she thinks the relationship is hopeless, despite her codependency tendencies.

 

That is the stuff of romance novels and Nicholas Sparks movies.

 

I'm not saying you are necessarily mistaken per se. But what I am saying is when two people are right for each other and both want to be together - they are together. They don't take breaks. They don't tell the other get off their parent's property and they don't tell the other that it is over.

 

When my wife and I were dating and getting engaged and making wedding plans and planning our life together, we didn't need to clear our heads. We didn't need to take breaks to determine if we wanted to be together. We didn't need to miss each other in order to continue the relationship. We just kept putting one foot in front of the other.

 

If someone needs to "clear their head" it's because they are uncertain of something or they have other options to mull over.

 

Sure there is a possibility that she is not actively engaging with another man right now.

 

There is a possibility that the OP is a complete jerk and has been cheating on her and is an unemployed drunk and has been abusing her for years and this is her getaway whether there is another man in the picture or not. There could be a ton of stuff he is not telling us.

 

Whether there is another dude in the picture or not, really doesn't change anything about what his next steps should be IMHO.

 

Whether she is riding some other dude or whether she just wants to get rid of him, he immediate next steps either way should be to walk away and start living his own life to the fullest and leave her to do her own thing whatever that may be.

[oldshirt]

I guess it's easier to just say "Oh she's got another man!" than to deal with your problems. But that attitude wouldn't be any different than it was in the relationship anyway.

 

But 9 times out of 10 it's true. All I am doing is playing the odds here. If you don't agree with my statistics shall we drop that down to 7 times out of 10 instead?

 

I think what I and some of the other posters are trying to get across here is for Sam to be prepared to see her out and about with another dude(s) here in the upcoming days and weeks.

 

He may even find out that she has been test driving one or more for some time.

 

Yes there may be some other fundamental issues with the relationship and perhaps the relationship wasn't meant to be whether there are other guys in the picture or not.

 

But at the end of the day, she is likely going to be under the mistletoe with some other dude when the clock strives midnight on New Years.

 

That doesn't necessarily mean that she and that particular dude are going to ride off into the sunset together in the end, but it means that she is back on the market seeing what all the market has to offer.

[Popsicle]

That is the stuff of romance novels and Nicholas Sparks movies.

 

That's not true at all. I would have loved a break and re-evaluation on several occasions. The break is not to "get away", the break is to clear your head and have a think or introspect without influence of the other. Clear thinking.

 

I never needed a think when I was dating and engaged to my ex-H either. We were happy then, that is obvious, but I for damn sure needed a think after we were married and problems set in.

 

And I needed a think in another relationship that I struggled with letting go (because I liked him) but the problems were making me so unhappy.

 

We're not talking months and months of a break here. We're talking a week or two. Yes, things are on the rocks, but there is still a desire to make it work. That is very important to note.

 

And I don't think you really understand what I'm saying about how people don't fix their problems while they are in the day-to-day of the relationship (even though you should understand). What do you do in that circumstance? One where nothing is getting fixed. Just stay and continue to eat ****? One doesn't get an award for that.

[Popsicle]

But 9 times out of 10 it's true.

 

I'd venture to say that 9 times out of 10 the BF/husband is dropping the ball in some way and won't address it.

And the OP has mentioned it in his opening post.

[Friskyone4u]

Sam,

 

So far, no one knows from what you have posted what is in her head. But you have to understand that folks here, many of whom have been through infidelity before, are giving you their opinions, which is what someone seeking advice asks for.

 

I know it is hard, but in a LOT of cases when a woman in a committed relationship asks for "space" out of the clear blue, there is either another man already involved or one on the horizon. No one is sure or not sure but do you want to be told only what you want to hear.????

 

I do not think so. And do not be in denial about the possibility that that could be true. No matter what is happening denial is not your friend.

[Marc878]

The reality is in most of the cases when you see this that's what it is.

Just read thru a few threads.

[Popsicle]

This is a forum where a lot of married people who have been through infidelity gather. And even the married people who have not been through infidelity have read many thread with this theme, so this distorts their view and makes them paranoid. What you have to understand is that relationship forums are not places where happy people come to post. Posting means seeking advice and people who come to post here come because they have PROBLEMS and are not happy and are seeking help. It makes sense that you're not going to read a lot of threads talking about how happy they are. That is not what makes the best use of an advice forum.

 

So, please, just because people who have been through it or have been letting reading this forum get to them are telling you that your GF is cheating on you, don't believe it.

[basil67]

Assuming that someone isn't a jerk or a dog hooking up with other girls and assuming someone wasn't mistreating her in any way or wasn't a lazy, unemployed slug smoking weed in his mom's basement all day, it's really quite rare to break up with someone out of the blue unless there are some other candidates standing by.

 

Those are some pretty severe problems you write.

 

Thing is though, it's also normal to break up with someone who's simply annoying. Or a poor communicator. Or who's attitude to life we don't like. Or who simply wants a different life to us.

 

The OP said he used to 'wind her up'. Now, I've got a friend who's husband does this because he thinks it's fun. While she appears to be fine with it, I look at his behaviour and can only imagine how unpleasant it would be to deal with. A guy who pokes at me for fun? No thanks.

 

I wouldn't assume there is someone else on the horizon. I think she just got fed up and ended it.

[fromheart]

'I need space,' is basically saying you are no longer a priority you are an option.

 

You must back away completely and move on. Its the only way to re balance the power. Right now, she has all the power and can kick you to the kerb anytime. 99.9% of the time a woman will disrespect you and kick you where it hurts for allowing yourself to be in this position. As you've just experienced.

 

Tell her plain and simple, I'm not interested in being an option, or getting friend zoned. This is not what I want from life. Give me a call if you change your mind, in the meantime I'm moving on.

 

If there's any chance in reconciliation, this is the only action that will bring it about, but only if you walk away without contacting her for any reason. She must know that you will not reach out to her FOREVER.

 

That's showing that you have strength, integrity and self respect. That you're an alpha male. Its the absolute and only way to deal with 'space,' or break up.

 

I know it hurts, but stay strong and focus on yourself.

[Popsicle]

You can be one of those men who gets all pissy because a woman broke up with him (ego), or you can be one of those men who listens and improves himself and gets better and better, which makes you more and more attractive, even to other women.

[whatdeww18]

So I had this same type of break up... I need some space... I fell out of love... Just need some time to think. I fell for it. Yup, started apologizing for everything I did wrong in the relationship and the whole nine yards. Talked to my ex on the phone, said would be willing to try in the future but if someone comes in the mean time, gonna try it out. Didn't really think much of it at the time. Backburner to the max right there.

 

Has 3 different dating apps to go on dates. Told me none of them compare to me. Backburner confirmed.

 

Although I do think there are some rare cases where some people do truly need some time to think, I would argue the majority have someone in the wings or are enticed by the thought of it. They say it's only part of the problem. Nope, I'd say majority.

 

Yes, there are some problems that you can't really focus on in the relationship. But, when emotionally mature, you let your partner know that there are problems in the relationship that need to be taken care of and need some space to figure them out. Talk about it and use that space to reflect. Not just "I need space." Now if your partner doesn't understand or want to do this, that may be reason to break up. Haven't heard this done in relationships since, hmmm, the first computer came out? Communication and commitment are disastrous, and this is coming from a 20 something year old haha.

 

Gonna have to move two or three mountains for me to consider a reconciliation. What am I going to do? Just move on and focus on me. I don't know if I would say that they never truly loved you but are not emotionally mature enough to know what it means, just yet. Like mentioned before, when they find out relationships take work, and some people do not love you back, they realize they just took us for granted instead of working it out. Someone out there will do just the opposite, won't leave, may or may not take you for granted (it happens from comfort), but they'll work it out with you. Hell, they'll move the mountain while in the relationship.

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

Edited December 26, 2016 by whatdeww18