GF of 5 years wants/needs space.

[sam5592]

I might blab on a bit but please bare with me.

 

Right me and my ex gf were together for 5 years, done out fair share of travelling, felt part of each others family (parents, grandparents etc), talked about marriage, kids and were even saving for our first mortgage.

 

Long story short, she told me she needed some space a week or 2 ago and this completely shocked me. I tried my hardest to give her space but in the end I couldn't handle it, so I went round to her parents home and she broke up with me, because I wasn't giving her space? At the time of the break up she told me that "it's over for good at the minute"

 

The reasons for the break up were we never really socialised with friends, both got pretty lazy just slobbing in each others house and I used to press her buttons (wind her up)

 

For the next 4-5 days I tried fighting for her, flowers, love letters, all the small stuff but nothing would work. So eventually I got up the courage and went around to her home again, to either be put out of my misery or work at things.

 

She told me that it was over for good and she had felt more relaxed over the past week without stressing over me.

 

She told me she still loves me, and we were having a laugh, making each other giggle etc. I continued to ask for a chance to meet up in a week or 2 to talk about our issues and try and work things out, but she wasn't interested.

 

I have been trying NC but yesterday I broke it and text her saying something along the lines of "once the Christmas period is out of the way, and youve had some space, would you like to reconsider things and meet up?"

 

She replied with "yes once we have had some space apart, let's have a think and see if we want to reconsider or not"

 

So now my heads a complete mess, any help will be appreciated.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you had absolutely no clue that she wasn't happy? Usually there are signs, but we sometimes don't see them or think they're serious. She had never mentioned to you that perhaps she was bored or not very satisfied with the relationship anymore?

[Marc878]

Well one things for sure you need to cut out the needy, clingy BS that only pushes them further away. Trying to nice them back as you've found doesn't work well. It makes you look weak and very unnattractive.

 

Go completely no contact and go your own way.

 

For heavens sake don't write her a pathetic letter pouring your heart out.

 

You'll probably find she's dumped you for someone else.

 

You can't make her do a thing, period

[sam5592]

OP, you had absolutely no clue that she wasn't happy? Usually there are signs, but we sometimes don't see them or think they're serious. She had never mentioned to you that perhaps she was bored or not very satisfied with the relationship anymore?

 

No she never mentioned it at all, it was a complete shock! I mean the week before we were Christmas shopping and I had stayed over hers a couple of nights during the week leading up to the "space"

[sam5592]

Well one things for sure you need to cut out the needy, clingy BS that only pushes them further away. Trying to nice them back as you've found doesn't work well. It makes you look weak and very unnattractive.

 

Go completely no contact and go your own way.

 

For heavens sake don't write her a pathetic letter pouring your heart out.

 

You'll probably find she's dumped you for someone else.

 

You can't make her do a thing, period

 

I have no gone NC but as I say she replied to my last text saying "once the Christmas period is out the way, maybe we can re consider things"?

 

I find it extremely hard to believe she has someone else, she has always been loyal and she isn't that type of girl.

[Jimmyjackson]

She asked for space and you kept pestering her. If she wants time alone then give it to her. Stay away and you'll get your answer, if she misses you and wants to speak to you she will. If she doesn't bother then her silence speaks volumes.

[sam5592]

She asked for space and you kept pestering her. If she wants time alone then give it to her. Stay away and you'll get your answer, if she misses you and wants to speak to you she will. If she doesn't bother then her silence speaks volumes.

 

Thanks for the reply, I will do as you say mate. Appreciate the advice

[Satu]

snip

I tried my hardest to give her space but in the end I couldn't handle it, so *I went round to her parents home and she broke up with me, because I wasn't giving her space? At the time of the break up she told me that "it's over for good at the minute"

 

*For the next 4-5 days I tried fighting for her, flowers, love letters, all the small stuff but nothing would work. So eventually I got up the courage and went around to her home again, to either be put out of my misery or work at things.

 

 

Sorry that you're hurting.

 

*These are the things that nobody should ever do.

 

I think you've probably sunk any hope of reconciliation by behaving that way

 

Get some counselling to deal with your attachment and fear of abandonment issues.

 

 

Take care.

[Marc878]

I have no gone NC but as I say she replied to my last text saying "once the Christmas period is out the way, maybe we can re consider things"?

 

I find it extremely hard to believe she has someone else, she has always been loyal and she isn't that type of girl.

 

famous last words

 

Most of the time in a breakup that's the cause.

[sam5592]

famous last words

 

Most of the time in a breakup that's the cause.

 

Dayummm that's just literally cut me in half, I can't take this

[oldshirt]

The term, "I need space/time apart/find myself/work on myself.." etc etc as well as, "I love you but not in love with you.." and "It's not you, it's me," etc

 

Almost always means that there is someone else that is catching her eye and she wants to test drive him for awhile to see if that is going to work out.

 

Assuming that you haven't been abusive or are a complete loser or chronically unemployed or complete couch-sitting slug, we can pretty much assure you that she is seeing someone else. Once she has secured that relationship, she will let you go for good (she has pretty much already done that, you just haven't caught on to it yet)

 

It's pretty much over here. I am sorry. We've all been there, it sucks to get dumped.

 

The worst thing you can do here is to keep trying to woo her back and to keep coming around and keep pestering her. That is just going to push her further away, make you look more pathetic and weak and will strip away whatever last shred of dignity and honor you have and will kill off whatever last few pieces of self esteem you have.

 

The best thing you can do is turn and walk away, start living a good new life for yourself and not look back.

 

Reconnect with some old friends and family you haven't seen for awhile and get out and make some new ones. Eat right and hit the gym to burn off your frustration. Get back into some of your old hobbies that you enjoy or take up some new ones.

 

...and if there is another girl(s) that is catching your eye, don't be afraid to ask her out.

 

Don't worry about trying to get back into a new relationship or anything, just get out of the house, meet some new people and get out and have some fun.

[sam5592]

The term, "I need space/time apart/find myself/work on myself.." etc etc as well as, "I love you but not in love with you.." and "It's not you, it's me," etc

 

Almost always means that there is someone else that is catching her eye and she wants to test drive him for awhile to see if that is going to work out.

 

Assuming that you haven't been abusive or are a complete loser or chronically unemployed or complete couch-sitting slug, we can pretty much assure you that she is seeing someone else. Once she has secured that relationship, she will let you go for good (she has pretty much already done that, you just haven't caught on to it yet)

 

It's pretty much over here. I am sorry. We've all been there, it sucks to get dumped.

 

The worst thing you can do here is to keep trying to woo her back and to keep coming around and keep pestering her. That is just going to push her further away, make you look more pathetic and weak and will strip away whatever last shred of dignity and honor you have and will kill off whatever last few pieces of self esteem you have.

 

The best thing you can do is turn and walk away, start living a good new life for yourself and not look back.

 

Reconnect with some old friends and family you haven't seen for awhile and get out and make some new ones. Eat right and hit the gym to burn off your frustration. Get back into some of your old hobbies that you enjoy or take up some new ones.

 

...and if there is another girl(s) that is catching your eye, don't be afraid to ask her out.

 

Don't worry about trying to get back into a new relationship or anything, just get out of the house, meet some new people and get out and have some fun.

 

I appreciate the message mate, literally just felt my heart shatter. Wow that is something I would never of expected from her, 5 years and shes done just like that!? Onto the next one so easy!?

[Jimmyjackson]

I appreciate the message mate, literally just felt my heart shatter. Wow that is something I would never of expected from her, 5 years and shes done just like that!? Onto the next one so easy!?

 

She's probably been thinking about it for a while. Usually in long term relationships they've been exhausted towards the end and the person breaking up has had plenty of time to consider their decision

[oldshirt]

The biggest danger here is that this other guy(s) she is seeing will just pump and dump her and after awhile will get bored and lonely and she will show back up on your doorstep.

 

At first you will be elated and will jump for joy and think that you have "won" and that she has learned her lesson and realized after her "break" that she wants to be with you after all.

 

But that is a delusion on your part and it is a fool's game. The reality is you are her second (or third or fourth) choice and she is just settling back to you as her fall-back person and safety net to keep her entertained and to stroke her ego and validate her until she finds someone else and does it all over again.

 

Remember, we've all been there done that and have seen this countless times.

 

People that want to be with someone and are satisfied with them, do not take "breaks." A break is always because they are wanting to get away from the relationship and 99.99% of the time it is to try someone else on for size.

 

Take this as a bona fide break up and go on with your own life.

 

Even if she does come back (and many do at some point after they have been pumped and dumped and used over several times) it will never be the same and she will always be looking over your shoulder for someone bigger and better and you will always be watching your back and waiting for the other shoe to fall as well.

 

Take this as your sign that it wasn't meant to be and move on.

[Popsicle]

She may not have another guy. Don't jump to that conclusion yet. People just can't believe that someone could break up with their SO because they are tired/fed up/unhappy with them. I have broken up with a couple of exes without another man in sight.

 

Anyway, give her some space. I think it's a good sign that she even gave you the reassurance that after the holidays, you could try again. I wouldn't have said that if I was done or very close to done with someone.

 

After the holidays, ask her what was wrong and what she thinks needs to be worked on and BE OPEN TO IT.

[oldshirt]

.... and finally,

 

NEVER and I mean NEVER, allow yourself to be put on the shelf and held in reserve while someone tries to determine if they want to be with you or if someone else is a better fit for them etc etc.

 

Either someone is with you in a relationship or dating you in good faith - or you are a completely free and single able to go out and do as you wish and date or hook up with whoever you please.

 

There are no breaks and there are no waiting periods and no sitting around on reserve while someone tries to make up their mind. All-in, or all-out.

 

It is her prerogative and her right to dump you. It is her right to dissolve any kind of exclusivity agreement with you and date and hook up with other people as she pleases.

 

But she has absolutely no right whatsoever to ask you to sit around and wait for her whilst she test drives other men and checks out other dudes to see if someone else is a better fit. Never ever fall for that.

 

She has essentially told you it is over. Accept that at face-value and carry on with your own life accordingly. Don't be pulled in to her orbit and let yourself be one of her orbiters doing the "Pick Me! Dance."

 

Move on with your own life and start living for yourself and doing you own thing without her.

 

She could have stayed with you but she opted out by her own choice and her own free will. Leave her behind.

[joemesina]

I appreciate the message mate, literally just felt my heart shatter. Wow that is something I would never of expected from her, 5 years and shes done just like that!? Onto the next one so easy!?

 

We are all on the same boat, My GF from 7 years broke up with me nearly a month and a half ago, on similar conditions as you, I am also heart broken and destroyed, I share your pain.

[Jimmyjackson]

She may not have another guy. Don't jump to that conclusion yet. People just can't believe that someone could break up with their SO because they are tired/fed up/unhappy with them. I have broken up with a couple of exes without another man in sight.

 

Anyway, give her some space. I think it's a good sign that she even gave you the reassurance that after the holidays, you could try again. I wouldn't have said that if I was done or very close to done with someone.

 

After the holidays, ask her what was wrong and what she thinks needs to be worked on and BE OPEN TO IT.

 

I agree with the first part, a lot of people on this forum seem to assume there's always someone else. I have plenty of friends who have broken up with their boyfriend/girlfriends and not had anyone else in sight, they were just unhappy.

 

As for after the holidays, I'd still maintain that you wait for her to reach out first, like I said she wants her space. Give to to her.

[Satu]

I appreciate the message mate, *literally just felt my heart shatter. Wow that is something I would never of expected from her, 5 years and shes done just like that!? Onto the next one so easy!?

 

You make yourself sound as fragile as a glass spider.

 

I don't often say this, but you need to man up a bit.

 

Fragility isn't a quality that women value in a man.

 

 

Take care.

[oldshirt]

She may not have another guy. Don't jump to that conclusion yet. People just can't believe that someone could break up with their SO because they are tired/fed up/unhappy with them. I have broken up with a couple of exes without another man in sight.

 

Anyway, give her some space. I think it's a good sign that she even gave you the reassurance that after the holidays, you could try again. I wouldn't have said that if I was done or very close to done with someone.

 

After the holidays, ask her what was wrong and what she thinks needs to be worked on and BE OPEN TO IT.

 

Assuming that someone isn't a jerk or a dog hooking up with other girls and assuming someone wasn't mistreating her in any way or wasn't a lazy, unemployed slug smoking weed in his mom's basement all day, it's really quite rare to break up with someone out of the blue unless there are some other candidates standing by.

 

There are exceptions and outliers and then there are standard patterns.

 

The standard pattern is assuming the lack of any mistreatment, bad behavior or deal breakers, if someone asks for a 'break' out of the blue without warning and suddenly doesn't want to see you anymore, there is someone else waiting in the wings somewhere.

 

.....or if there is not a specific someone else at the moment, they are wanting to go back on the market and will be dating someone else within a week or two.

 

Additionally, it's also rare to just coldly drop the ax and to tell someone it's completely over if they have not committed any kind of deal-breaking offense. It is pretty common to try to soften the blow by saying things like, "we need some time apart," or "it's not you, it's me." or "may when things settle down, we can try again..." etc etc

 

Noone wants to hurt anyone's feelings and so it is pretty standard to try to soften the blow or give some kind of hope or try to make it seem like it is not a garden variety dumping.

 

From the information his has given thus far, there is no reason to believe that this situation is an exception.

[Popsicle]

I agree with the first part, a lot of people on this forum seem to assume there's always someone else. I have plenty of friends who have broken up with their boyfriend/girlfriends and not had anyone else in sight, they were just unhappy.

 

As for after the holidays, I'd still maintain that you wait for her to reach out first, like I said she wants her space. Give to to her.

 

I totally agree. Sometimes people need to clear their head.

 

In fact, I WISH more people took time to clear their head instead of staying in a F'ed up relationship because they are codependent or can't be alone.

 

The alone time will help her decide if she really loves, misses and wants to try, or if she thinks the relationship is hopeless, despite her codependency tendencies.

[Popsicle]

Assuming that someone isn't a jerk or a dog hooking up with other girls and assuming someone wasn't mistreating her in any way or wasn't a lazy, unemployed slug smoking weed in his mom's basement all day, it's really quite rare to break up with someone out of the blue unless there are some other candidates standing by.

 

You're wrong. You can be incompatible with someone for many reasons, not just what you listed here. I don't know maybe men are as simple as you state here (?), but women are not.

 

Plus, he said in his OP that there were some problems. I know that people often live with problems for so long that they think that they never need to be corrected. LIke, it must be alright if they are still here. When in fact, the other person is growing exhausted and asking themselves is this really what I want for the rest of my life?

[oldshirt]

 

As for after the holidays, I'd still maintain that you wait for her to reach out first,.

 

I will go considerably farther and say that you completely move on with your own life assuming that she is gone forever and won't be coming back.

 

Don't contact her, txt her, check up on her to see how things are going etc etc ...... just move on.

 

If she does turn back up at some point, she needs to be the one that comes back with an olive branch and she needs to be the one that has the reconciliation plan and does all the heavy lifting and all the concessions and work to get back together.

 

She's the one that blew everything up so she needs to be the one that meets your terms.

 

If she doesn't want to do that or if she thinks that just because things didn't work out with her other guy(s) that she can just roll out the welcome mat to you, you really need to reconsider whether you would really take her back after all that or not.

[Popsicle]

You know, oldshirt, some people need to break up, because they WON'T fix their problems while they are still in the relationship. They are too comfortable. Some space is needed to get perspective. If you've got years going on with someone and there's problems but nothing is being done about it because they are comfortable with the status quo, what do you do when you need a "come to jesus" moment?

 

Please understand that talking at this point does nothing.

 

To take on the attitude of, "things are going to be how they were before, or nothing" does not help.

 

And again, this has nothing to do with other guys.

Edited December 24, 2016 by Popsicle

[Popsicle]

I guess it's easier to just say "Oh she's got another man!" than to deal with your problems. But that attitude wouldn't be any different than it was in the relationship anyway.