JustWannaStop Posted December 24, 2016 Posted December 24, 2016 (edited) I just read my posts from 6 years ago and realize that I'm sort of in the same position, although I've been NC for about a week now and no longer think of him as this amazing, one of a kind man like I used to. I've been lurking but haven't posted because I'm afraid of people and I guess I'm afraid of those who tell it like it is although I need that. I need several 2 x 4s. This has to be it. It's been 8 years. Eight years of the same pain and hoping for a happy ending. Well, I've come to realize I can have a happy ending but it's up to me. I have to be done in order to have a happy ending. 100% done. I'm 41 now and pretty miserable to be honest. I need support and love and I need to give support and love. I don't want anyone to be in my shoes. I don't know what the point of my post is (I've had a couple glasses of wine ). I think I want to tell those just starting out with a MM or MW that if they don't leave fairly soon after the start of the affair, they won't ever leave. They'll always come up with an excuse to stay. My MM said he would leave once his kids graduated high school. That came and went (they're all in their 20s now). Then he said I was too unstable and mean, etc. to leave (I admit I was mean because I constantly hurt!). Now the excuse is his wife is in school and he won't leave her until she's done with her education. One of his sons got married recently so that will be the next excuse once his W graduates. He will want to wait for grandkids and so on and so forth. Some leave but most do not. Don't waste years with a MM like I did. Don't be me. Edited December 24, 2016 by JustWannaStop Changed title 8
FoundMyStrength Posted December 24, 2016 Posted December 24, 2016 I just wanted to write to say thank you for your post. When I first came to the site, I was so far gone in the addiction to my xMM. Just so blinded by the emotions. Posts like these really helped me to see the similarities between my story and everyone else's. That I was not unique and would not get a happy ending. Those posts helped me to break free and find some peace. Take care over the holidays -- I hope you get a bit of peace as well. 4
Author JustWannaStop Posted December 24, 2016 Author Posted December 24, 2016 Thank you for your reply. I too thought we were unique and special and that we would be one of the very few who have a different outcome but after 8 years, I see that we just had an affair and that it wasn't anything special nor would we end up together. I'm determined to make 2017 a much better year. 2016 sucked in so many ways :/ Happy holidays to you and stay strong! 1
Marc878 Posted December 24, 2016 Posted December 24, 2016 If you put all that time/effort/energy into making a life think of where you could be. Where will you be in another 8 years when you're knocking 50? Time slips away so fast...... 3
MidnightBlue1980 Posted December 24, 2016 Posted December 24, 2016 41 is not old. I'm 44. You can stop today and just start fresh. Your post makes me so sad. 6
Author JustWannaStop Posted December 24, 2016 Author Posted December 24, 2016 It makes me sad too. It was such an eye opener reading my posts from 2010. I feel the same in some regards. I don't want to be in this same position at 50 or 42 or now! It won't change. He won't leave. I need to stay strong. 2
Author JustWannaStop Posted December 24, 2016 Author Posted December 24, 2016 If you put all that time/effort/energy into making a life think of where you could be. Where will you be in another 8 years when you're knocking 50? Time slips away so fast...... I'm so lost right now and thought I'd be in a much better place at 41 than I actually am. My daughter just turned 18 and will be going to college soon and it will then be time for ME but that scares me whereas it used to fill me with hope and excitement. I just don't know what to do with myself or my life. I won't waste another 8 years. I won't waste another day. 2
BuddyX Posted December 24, 2016 Posted December 24, 2016 "It won't change. He won't leave." ^^This is irrelevant. It's all on you to create your own happiness. From now till death, how do you want to live your life? 4
Author JustWannaStop Posted December 24, 2016 Author Posted December 24, 2016 "It won't change. He won't leave." ^^This is irrelevant. It's all on you to create your own happiness. From now till death, how do you want to live your life? You are so right. Let me just say getting replies from all of you, you who I've admired so much while lurking, is so amazing. Buddy, I have no idea how I want to live my life. I guess I want to be happy and do no harm. Funny I should say that since I've been hurting someone for so long (his W, who isn't aware we continued after DDay in 2010 and would be devastated if she found out). I'm lost and I don't know who I am. I know my happiness is mine alone. No one or no thing can make me happy. It's up to me. 1
BuddyX Posted December 24, 2016 Posted December 24, 2016 "In the most painful breakups when you are so focused on the fear of losing the other person in front of you, you stop noticing what you are gradually losing within you" 4
Poppy47 Posted December 24, 2016 Posted December 24, 2016 If you stay you will definitely be here again in 8 years time. Isn't it wonderful that it will be your turn to have the freedom to choose your life, and fashion it the way you want? You don't have to know right now. If you focus on it a bit more and on him a lot less, a lot of wonderful thoughts could occur to you. I am focusing on one big change in my life and that is keeping me in quite a positive frame of mind. It won't happen until this time next year, but there are plans to be made. I'm glad you came back to LS. It's a lot different now to what it used to be. People are helpful and kind ( generally). If they are not, the moderators simply monitor or penalise them. You should feel safe. Cheers, Poppy. 4
MidnightBlue1980 Posted December 24, 2016 Posted December 24, 2016 I'm so lost right now and thought I'd be in a much better place at 41 than I actually am. My daughter just turned 18 and will be going to college soon and it will then be time for ME but that scares me whereas it used to fill me with hope and excitement. I just don't know what to do with myself or my life. I won't waste another 8 years. I won't waste another day. This is great. You got to have your baby, now she is all grown up. See you may have wasted 8 years but at least you did not throw away your chance to be a mom on this guy. See it as something you needed while you were child rearing. Now you are all done with that and done with needing him. You can set him free now and move forward, figure out what you want to do professionally and meet the guy of your dreams (or at someone who makes you laugh, carry a conversation and can get a hard on) And don't see it as "he won't leave". I understand you have a ton of feelings for this guy so you can't see what I see, but you don't want a guy who is capable of having an affair for 8 years on the side of his marriage, on top of the fact it's a false reconciliation with his wife since 2010. I'm the last one to judge an affair (obviously) but to me, it's one thing if the person(s) can't handle it and it all blows up in under a year but its another if the person is happy in an such an arrangement and is able to carry on two lives for years and years. If he did leave for you, how would ever know if he was doing the same thing to you? Obviously this guy has issues with commitment so don't fool yourself, your spot would be open and he might just not be able to be in a monogamous relationship. 2017 is right around the corner. What better a resolution than to start living a life that when you look back on ten years from now, you are happy at the choices and decisions you made when you were 41? 6
BluesPower Posted December 24, 2016 Posted December 24, 2016 No one in this type of situation gets any criticism from me. Lord know that I cannot cast any stones in that area. One thing I have learned the last couple of years is that you cannot live your life for other people, not even your OM. You have to live your life for you. Man I would kill to be 41 again, my life would be so much different. Make that moves that will make you happy in the long run. Its gonna hurt for a while, but when you are past that you will be so much happier. 7
Author JustWannaStop Posted December 24, 2016 Author Posted December 24, 2016 No one in this type of situation gets any criticism from me. Lord know that I cannot cast any stones in that area. One thing I have learned the last couple of years is that you cannot live your life for other people, not even your OM. You have to live your life for you. Man I would kill to be 41 again, my life would be so much different. Make that moves that will make you happy in the long run. Its gonna hurt for a while, but when you are past that you will be so much happier. BluesPower! You are one of the people I really admire on here. You always offer straightforward and honest advice but in a humble and respectful way. Thank you for your reply. 2
Author JustWannaStop Posted December 24, 2016 Author Posted December 24, 2016 If he did leave for you, how would ever know if he was doing the same thing to you? Obviously this guy has issues with commitment so don't fool yourself, your spot would be open and he might just not be able to be in a monogamous relationship. I wouldn't. I couldn't trust him. I would always worry about him doing the same thing to me. It would be a terrible way to live. In addition, his family would hate me and I would be excluded from graduations and wedding and christenings, etc. Simply put, he and I can never have more than we had. I don't want to be his side chick but being his main one would probably be worst. I'm SO glad I gathered up the courage to post here. I feel strong and hopeful for the first time in years! Thank you, each and every one of you! 1
BluesPower Posted December 24, 2016 Posted December 24, 2016 Thanks for the kind but babe, please don't admire me. I am basically a hot mess, and I am so damaged inside it is hard to believe. I just hope that people like you and other don't make the same mistakes that I have. For example, I just had to tell my 19 YO today that the divorce will happen after the end of January. It was so hard for him even though he knows some of what mom has done to dad. I am just a wreck. 1
Author JustWannaStop Posted December 25, 2016 Author Posted December 25, 2016 Because you're honest and own your sh*t and don't make excuses. You use your experience to help others. I'm also a mess so maybe that's another reason I like you LOL. Water finds its level and all that! 3
MidnightBlue1980 Posted December 25, 2016 Posted December 25, 2016 I wouldn't. I couldn't trust him. I would always worry about him doing the same thing to me. It would be a terrible way to live. In addition, his family would hate me and I would be excluded from graduations and wedding and christenings, etc. Simply put, he and I can never have more than we had. I don't want to be his side chick but being his main one would probably be worst. I'm SO glad I gathered up the courage to post here. I feel strong and hopeful for the first time in years! Thank you, each and every one of you! It's all true, and that is assuming of course that he actually left to be in a real relationship with you. Sadly, it almost never happens. I do get it though, don't think I don't. Believe it or not, I think of him, xmm and he was a POS. People get inside your head and heart. LS helps me because I read people's stories and see that my story was not unique at all, it was no love story, and I see how we each are responsible for our own choices and happiness. If we choose to waste years, ruin our lives and just give up on life because someone did not want us, that's on us, not them. Some people rise from the ashes while others become ashes. The decision is ours. 3
Author JustWannaStop Posted December 25, 2016 Author Posted December 25, 2016 The similarities between my story and others was a shock at first and it hurt to realize that we were nothing special. That I was nothing special. I won't be reduced to ashes. I'll rise up. I am rising up. 3
angel.eyes Posted December 25, 2016 Posted December 25, 2016 I won't be reduced to ashes. I'll rise up. I am rising up. Good intentions are nice and all. Lovely words about rising up, but entirely meaningless if there's no action to back them up and change course. What concrete steps are you taking to make him history? Have you put yourself on a timetable to hold you accountable? Is he blocked? Have you thrown out his gifts and other reminders of him? Otherwise, it's just words...until he reappears after spending the holidays with his family, and you fall back into the same patterns of the last eight years. Right? Best of luck in letting go and finding a more productive course for your life.
MidnightBlue1980 Posted December 25, 2016 Posted December 25, 2016 I wouldn't. I couldn't trust him. I would always worry about him doing the same thing to me. It would be a terrible way to live. In addition, his family would hate me and I would be excluded from graduations and wedding and christenings, etc. Simply put, he and I can never have more than we had. I don't want to be his side chick but being his main one would probably be worst. I'm SO glad I gathered up the courage to post here. I feel strong and hopeful for the first time in years! Thank you, each and every one of you! I feel like it's time to bring out some Rocky. My friend sent this to me at a particularly low point. Take a listen. No one inspires like Rocky.
MidnightBlue1980 Posted December 25, 2016 Posted December 25, 2016 The similarities between my story and others was a shock at first and it hurt to realize that we were nothing special. That I was nothing special. I won't be reduced to ashes. I'll rise up. I am rising up. Did someone say "rise up"? And yes, a year of recovery. I have quite the youtube list.
MidnightBlue1980 Posted December 25, 2016 Posted December 25, 2016 Good intentions are nice and all. Lovely words about rising up, but entirely meaningless if there's no action to back them up and change course. What concrete steps are you taking to make him history? Have you put yourself on a timetable to hold you accountable? Is he blocked? Have you thrown out his gifts and other reminders of him? Otherwise, it's just words...until he reappears after spending the holidays with his family, and you fall back into the same patterns of the last eight years. Right? Best of luck in letting go and finding a more productive course for your life. It all starts in the mind.
Author JustWannaStop Posted December 25, 2016 Author Posted December 25, 2016 Good intentions are nice and all. Lovely words about rising up, but entirely meaningless if there's no action to back them up and change course. What concrete steps are you taking to make him history? Have you put yourself on a timetable to hold you accountable? Is he blocked? Have you thrown out his gifts and other reminders of him? Otherwise, it's just words...until he reappears after spending the holidays with his family, and you fall back into the same patterns of the last eight years. Right? Best of luck in letting go and finding a more productive course for your life. Thank you for your post. He is blocked and the email account we used to communicate has been terminated. I long ago three out gift he gave me (there weren't many). He generally didn't come back; I always reached out to him. Instead of doing that I'm posting here. That's the biggest difference between my attempts to end it - posting here. This is my way of being held accountable. 3
Recommended Posts