Do I still have a chance?

[joemesina]

A month and 15 days ago, my girlfriend from 7 years broke up with me. I am 31 and she is 24. It seems what triggered this was that her mother invited us, and also her sister to a trip to another city in the same country. I rejected politely the invitation because my family was making other travel plans to europe. (btw we live in south america) My girlfriend was also invited, but she prefered travelling with her own familly.

 

Although the trip wasnt the whole issue why we broke up, she said that I am immature, selfish, that I dont pay attention to her, I may have realised that I had taken her for granted. I feel very stupid and sad how I handled my relation, because I love her very much.

 

She tells me she feels heartbroken, as much a if I had cheated, becuase she really wanted me to go on this trip with her. I would have also liked to go, but there were some problems with the schedules, I thing I made a mistake and should have found a way to go to both, I blame myself everyday for this.

 

After we broke up, I tried to do the no contact, but I couldnt, I texted her sometimes, then after 2 weeks, I went to her house to talk because there were some issues that werent clear. Everthing went well, it seemed that we were going to get back together, we had sex that evening, and at the end of the night, the trip issue came back, and all the effort went to the trash.

 

Tried again to do the no contact, but after a week of no contact I texted her and went to see her, we talked well, but something wasnt right, she kind of told me that she could have kissed some guy on a party she went with her girlfriends, but didnt wanted to tell me if it was actually true, so the next day she told me that it was true because I asked her to tell the truth. I felt completely heart broken, even though she isnt with me anymore.

 

A couple of days later we met again and she told me she did kiss him because she felt that this guy listened to her, although she told me it was just for fun, and didnt gave him her number, she wont see him again, it was a one time thing. I feel she did it because she feels resentfull to me.

 

My trip hasnt happened yet, it will happen very soon, it will be alot more days longer than hers, we have talked to talk again when I return to see if there is a possibilty in restarting our relation, but in the meantime, she is feeling very resentfull to me and wont want me talking to her while I am away.

 

I didnt wanted to wait so I have tried to give her flowers a hand written letter she accepted them and like them but, still she didnt wanted to get back with me, not until my trip is over.

 

Some days ago I invited her to the movies, we went toghether, but I made the mistake of trying to hold her hand and she rejected me, after that she said, to stop every attempt to get her back for the meantime, she got very mad and told me to stop pressuring her. Also she have said that the days that I am on my trip and if she goes to clubs with her girlfriends she would not avoid, dancing or kissing with other guys if the situation happens.

 

Now I have restarted the no contact phase for the third time, and this one will have to last at least 3 weeks that is the time I am going to be away.

 

I think she still loves me, very deep inside her, but she is autoprotecting herself, and is trying to avoid having feelins for me, because she says she will suffer when I am gone on my trip.

 

Any suggestions how can I handle this better, what can I do to get her back, I am feeling very bad. Thanks.

[ZayKayWill]

I would just leave her be. She's made it pretty clear that she doesn't want to continue whatever you 2 have going. I would respect her wishes and if she comes back, then great. Easier said than done, I know.

[Giacomo67]

A couple of days later we met again and she told me she did kiss him because she felt that this guy listened to her

 

Also she have said that the days that I am on my trip and if she goes to clubs with her girlfriends she would not avoid, dancing or kissing with other guys if the situation happens.

 

 

 

read this over and over again. so why would you want her back? Save your future and dump her.

[Elizabeth14]

It sounds like she is upset and resentful.

 

If she really loves you, she will come back. Till then, No Contact. Pulling her will just push her further away. Take this trip as an opportunity to gather yourself again. Show her that you can be okay and have fun without her also.

[fromheart]

Sorry you've been through this.

 

You've done what we've all done. Tried to get an ex back through action. It never works, it leads to more pain and they start to crap all over us.

 

But you must ask yourself, why do you want her back? She wont let you hold her hand yet shes told you she'll do things with strangers. And she calls you immature and selfish when clearly she's the one who's selfish. Look at this action alone and don't make excuses for her, don't remember the good old days. Look at what's happening now and how she is treating you in the present. Is this the girl for you?

 

NC takes the higher ground, it gives you back power. It shows the other person that you have self respect. Reaching out and hoping after you've been dumped, after she's done things with other men, shows low self respect. She'll crap all over you in this situation.

 

Get out of that predicament and take the power back. Work on yourself and move on. This is the action that will help your happiness and get you a woman who treats you right. Chasing after dumped lacks self respect and never gos anywhere good, as you can see!

 

If you are really still interested in the other, you can say give me a call if you change your mind,' and then never contact her ever again for any reason. Though what I'd say in your situation if she did come back would be something like, 'You refused my hand and told me you'd rather be doing things with strangers. That's not the quality of relationship I'm looking for.'

[OnlyHonesty]

she said that I am immature, selfish, that I dont pay attention to her, I may have realised that I had taken her for granted.

 

Some of the above sounds more like projection. Her actions of late are perfectly described by the ones in bold.

[joemesina]

Thanks for all the answers, deffinately it will be hard starting the no contact, but it has to be done. Knowing her from 7 years I think she is saying those horrible things about other guys, because she is very mad and hurt, I think that the phrase we say here applies, that she is breathing by the wound, those words are hurtfull, I dont know if she will do those things, I prefer no to know, thats why I have closed my facebook account, for some time, also because we have nearly 70 common contacts.

 

Something to add to this is that, she has been with me since she was 17, it is possible that that she wants to do things she has missed by being with me, although I know she has loved me very much when she was with me.

 

I think she is also kind of emotionally imbalanced, because sometimes she is nice, and after another moment she changes her behavior when somethin bad happens between us and starts saying hurtfull things, I have to say I have also done that, when we have had a fight.

 

I want to add that I feel and also my therapist told me by things I have said about her, that I made some mistakes, like not listening to what she wants and what she needs, I have not been a perfect boyfriend, I admit sometimes I have been selfish and imature. And she is not the only one who has told me this.

 

I will have to wait and see what happens after I return from my trip, what will her attitude towrds me will be, because in one of her las texts she told me: If you want to recover me, do it in the right time and dont force the situation.

[lolablue17]

I think she broke up with you partially becuase of the trip you taking her for granted, but also partially because she want to experience life apart from you (With other guys).

 

The last reason is undoable. There's nothing you can do about it, so I advice you not to wait for her, or hold you hopes. Just take the time away to move on and put her where she belongs - in the past.

[Giacomo67]

i suggest that you move on with your life, nobody mature puts 100% of fault on the other.... what has she done to have been a perfect girlfriend? threating to cheat on you is vary disturbing, you dont need that crap in your life.

Also if you have been her only, then I'm pretty sure that she is taking avantage of this situation to have a momentary breakup so she can experience other relationships and not feal guilty about it... another disturbing behavior.

 

She would tell you that you didnt care and left anyway, so you dont love her and she needed someone who would care.... tipical blame shifting.

 

Personaly i would leave and tell her to feal free to do whatever since i already know you will.

 

Be happy and goodbye

[joemesina]

Ex texted me wishing me a merry christmas, how do I interpret this action, I also texted back wishing her the same.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ex texted me wishing me a merry christmas, how do I interpret this action, I also texted back wishing her the same.

 

There's nothing to interpret. You two were part of each other's lives for a long time, and the break-up is quite fresh. She is trying to show you she still cares about you as a person, and hopes you have an enjoyable holiday. That's it.

 

I think she tried to commit to something serious when she was too young. She wouldn't have had much dating experience other than you, so my guess is that she wants to explore. She's not ready to settle down with one person, and probably won't be for quite a while.

 

I wouldn't hold out hope. I think she is upset about the travel plans, but that she was already on her way out of the relationship anyway and looking for an excuse to end it. This break-up very likely would have happened regardless. I would do everything to maintain No Contact, as you're not going to want to hear about how she's been out dancing and hooking up with other guys. And that will happen, sooner or later.

[angel.eyes]

I'm confused...she's upset that you won't go on her family trip. But she won't go on yours? This makes you immature and selfish and demonstrates how you take her for granted? This is the reason she can go around kissing strange men but you aren't allowed to even hold her hand?

 

It sounds like she is done with the relationship and you, but isn't quite ready to toss you aside just yet. She's actively out there looking for a new man. You're the safety blanket while she searches for him.

 

As the person dumped, you don't want things to end, but please recognize what's happening and stop contacting her in the hopes of getting her back. As hard as it feels, go NC. It will be ultimately easier than having an immature, selfish ex jerk you around until she is certain she no longer needs you.