A right mess ( a long one)

[wmacbride]

^ this has absolutely nothing to with his healing...she was willing, that's stating obvious or there wouldn't have been an A...& no a WS doesn't heal by continuing to think about the AP wrongs.

 

She loved him, of course she doesn't care about his wife! Haven't you ever heard the saying "all is fair in love & war"...AP are never going to care about the BS & WS know that...but dwelling on that, imo is extremely counterproductive

 

In some situations, I would agree with you. In others, such as this one where the ow has zero problem rubbing the bs's face into the A, it\s a very different case.

 

Someone who would do that can sometimes take things way too far, and the op needs to be aware that can happen, and take steps to protect his wife.

[Whoknew30]

In some situations, I would agree with you. In others, such as this one where the ow has zero problem rubbing the bs's face into the A, it\s a very different case.

 

Someone who would do that can sometimes take things way too far, and the op needs to be aware that can happen, and take steps to protect his wife.

 

In this situation a pregnancy existed...changes everything! That's hormones, & a life long decision. His wife "protection" ended the day he knocked OW up.

[mikeylo]

Mr Lucky, there were times when I thought I'd done far too much damage to my marriage, that it was irreparable. My wife and I were at each other's throats. Understandably so, many times I thought I should just go. Walk away.

 

There were times that I genuinely thought my only chance of happiness would be with the OW. I think it is these moments that I refer to the "right" thing to do guiding me somewhat. An underlying feeling perhaps that with a clean run at things (no OW) then my marriage could start to recover and get back on track

 

I knew the right thing to do was to keep trying, my wife WANTED me to try, so did family...so did I.

 

My wife had since admitted that she was petrified of me leaving and perhaps clung on to me against her better judgement. Reason: so I didn't go to the OW, she knew it was poisonous, she actually said "if we can't make this marriage work and we break up, promise me you will not go to the OW, you can do so much better and she won't make you happy"

 

That was a while ago, I've spoken to her about this since and asked her if she regrets holding on to me. She said..No, I love you and I wanted to protect you from the OW.

 

In other words, you knew you had stooped to such low levels that the only type of women you deserved was type of OW.

 

The only way to move forward is to regain your wife's respect and love. If you have any type of contact with any exes, go complete NC. Don't make any new 'friends'.

 

Be ready for this woman's reappearance though and how to handle. Your wife doesn't need to see anymore of drama. She probably 'knows the real you ' and that is why could see everything clearly that you yourself couldn't.

 

Anyway , be a real life Spiderman. You have no choice at the moment

[wmacbride]

In this situation a pregnancy existed...changes everything! That's hormones, & a life long decision. His wife "protection" ended the day he knocked OW up.

 

I'm not tlakig about what happened some time ago ( which, by the way, was every bot as much on the ow as the op...unless she was sexually assaulted, she knew full well what she was doing and what could happen...btw, she was alao seeing another guy, so the baby may not have even been the op's

 

" I remember in those early days with OW, she rang me in tears. I calmed her down and asked where she was. She was at the house of another MM who she'd previously had an affair with. Behind her ex's back. I ran a mile."

 

That doesn't exactly make her sound stable.Then there's

"Little did I know was the OW had started to tell everyone in the playground that she was seeing me."

 

"I asked the OW about it and she said that she didn't believe that I loved her so she did it as a test"

 

"Then the OW started to show up again, walking past my wife in school when there was no need to. It started to upset my wife. I changed our child's school to avoid her. The OW asked me why I'd moved schools and I explained why, she said that she was sorry, she was just desperate for my wife not to forget her and thus never forgive me."

 

This the kind of behavior I am referring to. What else will she do so that the "bs doesn't forget her".

 

Someone who would do these things can easily move on to worse behavior if she doens;t feel like she's getting through to the op, and he needs to stand strong and protect his wife and children from her. Shes willing to hurt his bs and children in public, what else will she do?

[aileD]

Mr Lucky, there were times when I thought I'd done far too much damage to my marriage, that it was irreparable. My wife and I were at each other's throats. Understandably so, many times I thought I should just go. Walk away.

 

There were times that I genuinely thought my only chance of happiness would be with the OW. I think it is these moments that I refer to the "right" thing to do guiding me somewhat. An underlying feeling perhaps that with a clean run at things (no OW) then my marriage could start to recover and get back on track

 

I knew the right thing to do was to keep trying, my wife WANTED me to try, so did family...so did I.

 

My wife had since admitted that she was petrified of me leaving and perhaps clung on to me against her better judgement. Reason: so I didn't go to the OW, she knew it was poisonous, she actually said "if we can't make this marriage work and we break up, promise me you will not go to the OW, you can do so much better and she won't make you happy"

 

That was a while ago, I've spoken to her about this since and asked her if she regrets holding on to me. She said..No, I love you and I wanted to protect you from the OW.

 

I understand your wife and maybe did a little of the same holding on too long when I should have let go.

 

But I knew...I knew my husband would regret leaving his family for someone half his age who was disowned by her family just for being with him. I know my husband souls not have been happy in the long run with someone who's culture and language were so different, who's personality was so opposite of his etc. someone who cheated with him and on him.

 

I just knew there was something going on, something else he was running from. And I was right.

 

I admire your wife. She's a good soul and she loves you. Please do right by her, she deserves it.

[Spiderman10]

So the NC is going well, getting stronger each day etc

 

Then on NYE I get an email from OW. From another email address I might add

 

Suspect she knows she's going to be blocked

 

The email states, I'm paraphrasing a lot as it's been deleted

 

Time to reflect on 2016 and she had 2 things to say to me

 

That she wants to thank me for making her love herself for what she is and to accept herself and that I'd never truly know how much that meant to her and thanks for fixing her.

 

Thanks for the memories good and bad etc

 

Then goes on to say that she hopes I'm happy in life and that she hopes that I can find it in my heart to know deep down that whatever she's is doing, wherever she is going or whatever she finds there that she will always love me

 

Then goodbye

 

 

I immediately showed this to my wife, understandably livid. I obviously didn't reply and deleted the email and blocked the address.

 

I know people will think that again I'm posting this to provoke drama. I'm not. I said to my wife that it's actually laughable. I do hope that this email is her way of actually saying goodbye!

 

Happy New Year !x

[ShatteredLady]

It's a classic, passive aggressive way of trying to reach out & manipulate you. You did the correct thing. It is laughable.

[whichwayisup]

Change your email address. She will reach out again.

 

As for your wife, you're damn lucky she hasn't thrown you out and divorced you. You continued pining and being in touch with exOW after DDAY.

 

Prove to your wife that you're worthy of that second chance, work on yourself -LEARN boundaries and never 'befriend' single women as friends. Make your wife and family number one priority.

Edited January 1, 2017 by whichwayisup

[Spiderman10]

Change your email address. She will reach out again.

 

As for your wife, you're damn lucky she hasn't thrown you out and divorced you. You continued pining and being in touch with exOW after DDAY.

 

Prove to your wife that you're worthy of that second chance, work on yourself -LEARN boundaries and never 'befriend' single women as friends. Make your wife and family number one priority.

 

Unfortunately I can't change my address as it's my work one.

 

I know I'm lucky, I promised my wife I'd tell her if I heard. So I did.

[wmacbride]

Unfortunately I can't change my address as it's my work one.

 

I know I'm lucky, I promised my wife I'd tell her if I heard. So I did.

 

According to you, your ex-ow is a serial ow, so the usual pieces of advice that apply to situations where an ow/om ends up in an A as a one off don't apply.

 

Be vigilant. Block her in anyway you can, but not before sending her a message that makes it crystal clear that you wish her well but you want no further contact with her in any form. No phone calls, no emails, no facebook or social media messages, no showing up at school student pick up times or anything else.

 

Be extremely clear and spell it out for her that you do not want to hear form her ever again, and if she doesn't respect your wishes, you will seek legal redress. You don\t have to be cruel or unkind, just direct.

 

I know that I sound like I am blowing her actions out of proportion, but I have had to deal with an ex-ow who refused to let go, and it's not a pleasant place to be in.

[Spiderman10]

According to you, your ex-ow is a serial ow, so the usual pieces of advice that apply to situations where an ow/om ends up in an A as a one off don't apply.

 

Be vigilant. Block her in anyway you can, but not before sending her a message that makes it crystal clear that you wish her well but you want no further contact with her in any form. No phone calls, no emails, no facebook or social media messages, no showing up at school student pick up times or anything else.

 

Be extremely clear and spell it out for her that you do not want to hear form her ever again, and if she doesn't respect your wishes, you will seek legal redress. You don\t have to be cruel or unkind, just direct.

 

I know that I sound like I am blowing her actions out of proportion, but I have had to deal with an ex-ow who refused to let go, and it's not a pleasant place to be in.

 

I hear what you are saying and absolutely heed your advice. However,I really don't want to even engage in any kind of correspondence with her. IKnowing her,any kind of signal will be all she needs.

[wmacbride]

I hear what you are saying and absolutely heed your advice. However,I really don't want to even engage in any kind of correspondence with her. IKnowing her,any kind of signal will be all she needs.

 

You know her and your situation better than anyone, and I really hop your ex-ow will find someone else to latch on to.

[mikeylo]

Next time ( there will be many next times and especially when you least expect),delete the email without reading. After some desperate attempts she WILL 'accidentally bump ' where you and your wife go together. I don't have any advise how to deal with that but it most likely will happen.

 

Like others have said, don't make your wife regret that she gave you a chance. It's not her problem that the OW won't go away. If that happens, she will move on very quickly emotionally. I don't think some lessons need to be learned the hard way.

[Spiderman10]

Next time ( there will be many next times and especially when you least expect),delete the email without reading. After some desperate attempts she WILL 'accidentally bump ' where you and your wife go together. I don't have any advise how to deal with that but it most likely will happen.

 

Like others have said, don't make your wife regret that she gave you a chance. It's not her problem that the OW won't go away. If that happens, she will move on very quickly emotionally. I don't think some lessons need to be learned the hard way.

 

Yeah, unfortunately, the ow lives in the same town as us. It's inevitable that I'll see her either when I'm on my own or with the wife

[mikeylo]

So how are you going to protect your wife ? On your own you might be able to deal but it will widen gap between you and your wife.

[Spiderman10]

So how are you going to protect your wife ? On your own you might be able to deal but it will widen gap between you and your wife.

 

I think if I get any more emails it'll be more of a case of protecting the xOw!

 

Think she may lose her cool!

[GollumsNightmare]

It is pure hell for the BS to live in the same small town as the OW. Trust me, I'm three years out and I get very pissed looking over my shoulder every time we go out. We ran into her twice in one week.

 

Any chance you can move?

[mikeylo]

I think if I get any more emails it'll be more of a case of protecting the xOw!

 

Think she may lose her cool!

 

Otherwise your wife is getting punished for loving you !

[BaileyB]

I think if I get any more emails it'll be more of a case of protecting the xOw!

 

Think she may lose her cool!

 

Perhaps rightfully so. Your OW sounds has no boundaries and no respect for your decision... She's really pushing her luck!

[sandylee1]

I've just read about 4 pages of this thread, but have you given thought to the fact that the OW, in telling people about your affair didn't give a damn about your children finding out?

 

That alone should have kept you a milion miles away from her, but you kept going back for more.

 

I don't know the ages of your children, but I know where an affair really impacted terribly on a girl in my daughters school years ago.

 

Kids got to know about it (the girl's mother had the affair), and the girl stopped getting invited to birthday parties and the fallout was awful.

 

If you must mess around, do it away from school and work and not with a known bike like your fOW. You should never have carried on after finding out, she was with the other MM.

 

I hope you and your wife are STD clear. ....

[jpm60621]

My story is different but has similarities. I think everyone is right about no contact and no information. I agree about deleting Instagram and blocking all social media. It's what is best for everyone. The only way to heal is to own your attention - not give it to her. You also need time. That's the hard part but you will never fully heal until one day you realize you haven't thought about her all day. I think that will take a year at least but it will happen. And it will happen sooner if you do the right things. Here is my list:

 

1. Start journaling - every day, write 3 things in your life right now that you are grateful for. Write your feelings and each week, write less and less about your OW. Refer to her in your journal as OW. Try to never say her name. Also - challenge any negative thoughts you have in your journal. You said "she moved on so quick." Does this thought serve you? No, so counter it. Something like: "She actually didn't move on quickly, she just jumped into a rebound relationship. Besides, I love my wife and I cannot give her the love and attention she needs so I am glad she is trying to find someone who can."

 

2. Come up with a mantra - every time a thought of her enters your mind, interrupt it w the mantra. try "I love [wife's name]" or "[wife's name] is hot" - then try to think of something else - especially your wife.

 

3. Eliminate as many reminders of her as you can. Did you have a shirt she said was your favorite? Chuck it. How about a coffee mug she gave you - trash it. Donate it if you like or burn the stuff if it gives you some finality. If you feel the pull to keep it - this is natural. But if you follow through with **** canning it, you will have won that battle.

 

4. Set this goal: win the break up. Your attention is your power. Rob the OW of your attention. This starts w NC but it also includes NI - you do not want to know anything about her life - good, bad or indifferent. You can only win by completely robbing her of your attention. You want her to think you are the one who moved on easily and quickly. You want her to think you are the one who shrugged your shoulders and moved on with your life.

 

5. Use this time to upgrade your life. You are going to need something to replace the gap left by your OW. Get serious about your health, learn a language, focus on your music, or do all of the above.

 

6. Embrace your anger. It's OK to be angry. Maybe start a list of things you are angry about in your journal - a "hate list." But stop short of revenge. Don't go there. You win the breakup by robbing her of your attention. Revenge will show you still care.

 

All of these things are techniques to train your mind. Just like going to the gym - your brain is a muscle you can make stronger through training. Don't be m,ad that your brain keeps giving you thoughts - that's it's job... just train it to give you thoughts that serve you.

 

Find some good videos on YouTube - anything to do with NC is a start but a lot are designed around "winning your ex back." That isn't what you want... maybe you think you do now but it sounds like that would be really bad for you. You could probably find someone much better if your marriage really did end - so what does this woman have to offer anyway?

 

As for me - I am almost 4 months post an affair with a married woman. Her husband caught us together. It was terrible. We were in love. It was a love addiction. We had the kind of sex you dream of all of your life. But then one day it ended. She went back to her husband and begged forgiveness and he took her back. My wife took me back too. Like you, I lost a lot due to the whole thing. But I have nobody to blame but myself. I got to play but then I had to pay the price.

 

Strive to be the person you'd want your best friend to be. I hope you succeed and I am confident you'll get through this with time.

[Purepony]

I have never read an intense story like this one

Maybe your in another world because if any of that happened to anyone I know you would be out on the curb the first time she found out, you would be in a custody battle for your kids, you would be getting sued for spousal support and you probably would've gotten fired for the scene she would've made at work this is unbelievable and I still can't believe you were able to do this whole mess get another girl pregnant get out and still have your wife there to put up with this nonsense

 

F*cking unbeliable ! I don't know if I should congratulate you on this Homer Simpson's fiasco or congratulate you for surviving this ?

[Spiderman10]

I have never read an intense story like this one

Maybe your in another world because if any of that happened to anyone I know you would be out on the curb the first time she found out, you would be in a custody battle for your kids, you would be getting sued for spousal support and you probably would've gotten fired for the scene she would've made at work this is unbelievable and I still can't believe you were able to do this whole mess get another girl pregnant get out and still have your wife there to put up with this nonsense

 

F*cking unbeliable ! I don't know if I should congratulate you on this Homer Simpson's fiasco or congratulate you for surviving this ?

 

 

I know, I did say it was a total mess. I am very lucky....believe me I do realise that.

 

It's been intense

[Spiderman10]

My story is different but has similarities. I think everyone is right about no contact and no information. I agree about deleting Instagram and blocking all social media. It's what is best for everyone. The only way to heal is to own your attention - not give it to her. You also need time. That's the hard part but you will never fully heal until one day you realize you haven't thought about her all day. I think that will take a year at least but it will happen. And it will happen sooner if you do the right things. Here is my list:

 

1. Start journaling - every day, write 3 things in your life right now that you are grateful for. Write your feelings and each week, write less and less about your OW. Refer to her in your journal as OW. Try to never say her name. Also - challenge any negative thoughts you have in your journal. You said "she moved on so quick." Does this thought serve you? No, so counter it. Something like: "She actually didn't move on quickly, she just jumped into a rebound relationship. Besides, I love my wife and I cannot give her the love and attention she needs so I am glad she is trying to find someone who can."

 

2. Come up with a mantra - every time a thought of her enters your mind, interrupt it w the mantra. try "I love [wife's name]" or "[wife's name] is hot" - then try to think of something else - especially your wife.

 

3. Eliminate as many reminders of her as you can. Did you have a shirt she said was your favorite? Chuck it. How about a coffee mug she gave you - trash it. Donate it if you like or burn the stuff if it gives you some finality. If you feel the pull to keep it - this is natural. But if you follow through with **** canning it, you will have won that battle.

 

4. Set this goal: win the break up. Your attention is your power. Rob the OW of your attention. This starts w NC but it also includes NI - you do not want to know anything about her life - good, bad or indifferent. You can only win by completely robbing her of your attention. You want her to think you are the one who moved on easily and quickly. You want her to think you are the one who shrugged your shoulders and moved on with your life.

 

5. Use this time to upgrade your life. You are going to need something to replace the gap left by your OW. Get serious about your health, learn a language, focus on your music, or do all of the above.

 

6. Embrace your anger. It's OK to be angry. Maybe start a list of things you are angry about in your journal - a "hate list." But stop short of revenge. Don't go there. You win the breakup by robbing her of your attention. Revenge will show you still care.

 

All of these things are techniques to train your mind. Just like going to the gym - your brain is a muscle you can make stronger through training. Don't be m,ad that your brain keeps giving you thoughts - that's it's job... just train it to give you thoughts that serve you.

 

Find some good videos on YouTube - anything to do with NC is a start but a lot are designed around "winning your ex back." That isn't what you want... maybe you think you do now but it sounds like that would be really bad for you. You could probably find someone much better if your marriage really did end - so what does this woman have to offer anyway?

 

As for me - I am almost 4 months post an affair with a married woman. Her husband caught us together. It was terrible. We were in love. It was a love addiction. We had the kind of sex you dream of all of your life. But then one day it ended. She went back to her husband and begged forgiveness and he took her back. My wife took me back too. Like you, I lost a lot due to the whole thing. But I have nobody to blame but myself. I got to play but then I had to pay the price.

 

Strive to be the person you'd want your best friend to be. I hope you succeed and I am confident you'll get through this with time.

 

This is fantastic, thank you. I've been developing various "coping" strategies recently, many similar to the ones you mention here.

 

Similarly to yourself, sex with the ow was off the scale. However, one way I've countered these thoughts is again to focus on my wife and our sex life. Being honest about what I would like from the sexual side of my marriage. I think it's unwise to compare the sex within an affair to that in a marriage.

 

However, if it's a time for being candid then maybe we have to learn to be as passionate and adventurous with our wives/husbands as we were with our ow. I know we have been working on it and it's been really good fun. I guess you may be a while away from that after 4 months, but don't hold back. If sex is a big part of why you strayed then it does need to be addressed

 

Thanks for your post, and good luck

[whichwayisup]

I think if I get any more emails it'll be more of a case of protecting the xOw!

 

Think she may lose her cool!

 

Is this a joke? Protecting your exOW?!