Do I tell him?

[kgcolonel]

Also we are not in an official relationship so it is not like I am cheating on him

 

You're right, you're not cheating on him, just lying....is that any better or better still, something you'd want to serve as a foundation to build a relationship on?

 

How would you feel if the roles were reverse?

[HereNorThere]

Building a relationship on lies is like building an airplane out of paper mache and chopsticks. Neither one are ever going to get too far off the ground.

[kendahke]

The thing is we've only been on three dates and this trip has been arranged for months - way before I met the new guy.

 

Honestly? That is so non sequitur that it boggles the mind that you're reaching for this lame of an excuse. This does not wash. At. All.

 

There is NOTHING that you've said that is stopping you from telling the truth to the new guy that you're not going on a trip with another girl, but with another guy--and if right was on your side in this, which it isn't, you wouldn't fear telling the new guy the truth. But you know it's shady a.f. and you wouldn't tolerate anyone telling a bald-faced lie to you about a trip he'd planned with another girl long before you came on the scene.

 

I definitely wouldn't be going on the trip if things were serious between us.

 

So, since things aren't serious, and china is going to be there for a minute, what is the reason for lying? I'm not getting why you can't stand in your truth if you're grown enough to make this decision, be grown enough to stand in the middle of your truth and take the consequences for it--is it that you dont' want to deal with the consequences of being shady? Sounds like all this excuse-making you're doing is exactly that: you avoiding the consequences of shady dealings.

 

I haven't discussed exclusivity with the new guy and for all I know he could be seeing other girls too.

 

And for all you know, you're the only girl he's got eyes for, too.

 

You don't need to discuss exclusivity with a new guy to tell him that your'e going on a trip to china with another guy.

 

I don't really see why I should cancel my trip for something so recent that may never go anywhere. It could all fizzle out very quickly and then I will regret not going. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity to go to china and I would actually like to do some research out there myself as I have a swimwear business.

 

If a new guy was doing to you what you're doing to this new guy, would that be ok? Would it be ok for him to look in your face and manipulate you with a bald-faced lie?

 

I feel bad about saying I'm going with another girl but I don't really want to cancel everything in case it never amounts to anything and I regret it.

 

Go, but don't lie about going as a means to manipulate the new guy.

 

If right is so on your side, there should be NOTHING you fear to say to anyone. You're acting like these two ideas are mutually exclusive and they're not. What I'm saying is tell the new guy the truth because that's what people with integrity do... let him have the equal opportunity to decide the merits of you and the relationship on the truth, which you so far are hiding from him for selfish/manipulative reasons. That's really not cool. At. All.

Edited December 23, 2016 by kendahke

[CobraX]

Also we are not in an official relationship so it is not like I am cheating on him

 

This is bull**** and you know it. Just tell this guy the truth and go on with your trip. Either he will take it fine or not... that's on him.

 

If you start a relationship with him this will come back to bite you! I found out something like this from a girl I dated. Six months after we start I find out she did a vegas trip with some other guy. If she had been honest about it I would have respected her... but finding out later made me hate her. I feel like I got some solid revenge though.

[lolablue17]

You're busy with definitions, headlines, and other technical excuses. And the result? You're lying to your new guy. Wow! What a great way to to step into a new love. With lies.

 

Yes yes, technically you're right, I give you all the legitimation you need. But hey... If it was all OK why did you need to lie? mmm... Apparently it does bother you. You can go on with this lie and you may even get away with this lie, return from your trip and everything will be alright. Good for you.

 

I believe that people behave according to repeating patterns. I believe that if you lie on this one, you will probably lie on other blur inconclusive situations in life. If I was that guy, knowing that I'm very sensitive to lies, I would have caught you some day. Maybe not on this lie, maybe the next, the third or the forth lie ect...

 

For me, one lie is enough, because as funny as it gets, one small lie can show a person's true character. So, before you start calculating the chances for being caught, or calculating the loss\profit equation, maybe you should think what kind of a person do you want to be. Which side do you want to take? The liars side? (with many strong claims and excuses and justify to lie), or the honest side?

Edited December 23, 2016 by lolablue17

[purrrfectlyflawed]

Exact same thing when I met my ex husband. A month before I met my now ex husband (this was about 14 years ago)I agreed to go on a company award trip with a male coworker. A big group of us went. I made it clear to this guy though I was not romantically interested and if he wanted to go as friends we could. This guy was obnoxious and it soon became obvious a day into the trip why nobody else would go with him. It was all expense paid though and it was a lovely trip despite everything.

 

 

My now ex husband even took me to the airport. I had told him that I had already agreed to go on the trip with this guy and didn't want to leave him hanging. This was before smart phones so I emailed him a couple times while on the trip and said hello and let him know I was thinking of him. It wasn't weird really but the guy I went with was expecting to get laid out of it and sorry no way, I almost couldn't stand him by the time the trip was over.

 

 

Talk to the guy you are dating and explain. He night be more understanding unless the guy you are going with is expecting some sort of intimacy on the trip then I wouldn't go.

[vikki012]

I'm not a liar and don't want to be a bad person which is why I'm upset about this. He asked me who I was going with and I just blurted out I was going with a girl on business also without really thinking. I regretted it as soon as I said it but who wants to give a bad impression of themself on a third date?! The last thing I expected when booking this trip months ago is to meet a guy I really really like right before I go. I have the worst luck when it's comes to dating and now feel like I am in an impossible situation as I can't cancel the trip at this short notice. I don't want to hurt him by telling him I'm going with another guy right before Christmas and just don't know what to do. I'm hoping that if it did get serious with us I would sit down at a later stage and tell him the truth and how it had been booked way before I met him and I didn't know if it was going to amount to anything between us and hope he would understand. I just can't justify cancelling a trip worth so much money when I've only known the new guy a few weeks and it could all fizzle out very quickly.

[purrrfectlyflawed]

See my above reply. I went through the same thing. Talk to the guy you are dating and let him know this trip has been planned for months and you have no romantic interest in this other guy. Hopefully he will understand.

[vikki012]

Thank you, that's really helpful. I just hope he wouldn't ask if we're sharing a room or anything though as I would feel like I'm lying again! Timing is so so terrible!

[lolablue17]

My earlier reply was when I thought you're really into the new guy. Now I understand that you're not.. You wrote in the initial post: "we will be sharing a room together so there is the possibility that something may happen between us".

 

So, you're going to a trip with a guy you explicitly admit that you might sleep with him... Apparently the new guy is not so meaningful and important, if you consider sleeping with the other guy (from the trip).

 

If that's the case, the new guy is just an option, one of many... You don't have to tell every option you date, about your sex life with other guys...

 

If you are really into the new guy, you can just pay some extra and order another room, so you don't have to sleep in the same room \ bed with him.

[HereNorThere]

I'm not a liar and don't want to be a bad person which is why I'm upset about this. He asked me who I was going with and I just blurted out I was going with a girl on business also without really thinking. I regretted it as soon as I said it but who wants to give a bad impression of themself on a third date?! The last thing I expected when booking this trip months ago is to meet a guy I really really like right before I go. I have the worst luck when it's comes to dating and now feel like I am in an impossible situation as I can't cancel the trip at this short notice. I don't want to hurt him by telling him I'm going with another guy right before Christmas and just don't know what to do. I'm hoping that if it did get serious with us I would sit down at a later stage and tell him the truth and how it had been booked way before I met him and I didn't know if it was going to amount to anything between us and hope he would understand. I just can't justify cancelling a trip worth so much money when I've only known the new guy a few weeks and it could all fizzle out very quickly.

 

Well, we're all liars, literally. You should look at the statistics about how many times each human lies on a daily basis. You lied, were all liars, it happens.

 

You really don't have any choice but to tell him and let the cards fall where they may. You have a much better chance at recovering at this stage than waiting until he finds out on his own. Make no mistake about it, he will find out. There's always social media, pictures, friends, family or you may just accidentally blurt it out in conversation after a couple of drinks. Maybe you two will run into the guy someday and he says something.

 

People are really, really good at "the cyber" these days. I starting a casual relationship with a girl and sensed something wasn't quite right. Lies are hard to keep straight and all it takes is one little mistake to mess up. I knew she went to the Caribbean earlier in the year but she was always a little weird talking about it. I'm not a Facebook user, her profile is private, etc but I decided to dig just to make sure I wasn't dating someone in a relationship. As you can guess, I was. Her profile was private, her boyfriend's was private, but it didn't take long to find one of their mutual friends who had public posts and pictures. BAM, there it was, concrete proof I was lied to. I saved the screenshots, nexted the girl, told her I knew she wasn't honest but never how I knew. She continues to lie and beg me to hang out because she doesn't think I truly know the details. I'll never reveal my source or methods to her because I have no reason to.

 

If she had been upfront in the beginning, I wouldn't have dated her until she was completely done with the guy, but there would still have been a chance. Now there's no chance at all, ever and I actually enjoyed her company.

[kgcolonel]

I'm not a liar and don't want to be a bad person which is why I'm upset about this. He asked me who I was going with and I just blurted out I was going with a girl on business also without really thinking. I regretted it as soon as I said it but who wants to give a bad impression of themself on a third date?! The last thing I expected when booking this trip months ago is to meet a guy I really really like right before I go. I have the worst luck when it's comes to dating and now feel like I am in an impossible situation as I can't cancel the trip at this short notice. I don't want to hurt him by telling him I'm going with another guy right before Christmas and just don't know what to do. I'm hoping that if it did get serious with us I would sit down at a later stage and tell him the truth and how it had been booked way before I met him and I didn't know if it was going to amount to anything between us and hope he would understand. I just can't justify cancelling a trip worth so much money when I've only known the new guy a few weeks and it could all fizzle out very quickly.

 

 

 

I am really not trying to be mean but you have lied to him by telling him that you're going with a girl....okay, you have a conscience in that you feel bad but yes you can "not go". No one is forcing you, if it is financial, then pay the guy back but i suspect it is either, you don't want to pass on a trip to china or you feel obligated to go....you said earlier that there may be some intimacy during the trip....

 

Reverse the roles, where would you stand as the new guy?

 

You are not unlucky in dating, you make bad disloyal decisions. You are in fact

Choosing to go on the trip and lie to the new guy.....you can tell the new guy but you avoid that just as you avoid cancelling the trip....cake eating is what it is called.

[umirano]

Look.. you're making this a lot more complicated than it is. You're not a bad person, and you're a "circumstantial" liar. I'm the last person to blame you for that. It shouldn't happen, but it does. It's bad timing and under stress you maneuvered yourself into a pretty tough corner. All great and fine. Those are problems that can be solved, and, I'd say, a guy who's really into you can look past this.

 

You lose me, and a few others I guess, when you say things like "Well, yeah, I have to stay with this guy, who I don't really like, in his room, and maybe we'll have sex".

 

If you want to do it with business dude but still in the long run you consider getting with the first dude then I don't really have advice as I've never found myself in this position, and I don't really understand how someone can feel like this about two people.

 

If, however, you have no interest, sexual or romantic, in the business dude then the case is pretty simple. Keep a light but honest connection with your romantic interest over the holidays and stay away (sexually) from business dude. The easiest strategy might be not to bring it up at all, assuming that nothing happens. But I really have no clue what you actually want to happen with this business guy. If something happens you need to understand that as soon as the first guy finds out, you'll look really shady to him. So shady that a relationship is probably off the table.

Edited December 23, 2016 by umirano
vocabulary

[BluesPower]

Look dear...

 

You are in fact a liar. All the rationalization in the world will not change that.

 

And you are lying to yourself. You are going on a trip and you know that you are going to sleep with the guy that you are going with.

 

By the way darling, that is a sugar daddy arrangement if you have no real romantic interest in this guy. Some people call that prostitution and your new boy friend will see it that way when he finds out.

 

Why don't you stop lying to everyone here and to your new BF.

 

So what is going to happen is this: You are going to take the trip with china boy. You are going to give it up because you realize that he is not going to take you for FREE. Your new BF is going to find out that 1) you lied to him and 2) you prostituted yourself for a "Free" trip to china.

 

So let's start with the current truth. When he finds out about all of this, how do you think he is going to feel?

 

And after you guys have dated for a few monthsand another sugar daddy offers you a "Free" trip to Vegas or some other place, do you think he will be ok with that as well?

 

Would you please be honest with yourself about all of this?

[veggirl]

Tell him the truth, apologize for lying and tell him you're going to book YOUR OWN room. Then do that.

[Sweetfish]

Look dear...

 

You are in fact a liar. All the rationalization in the world will not change that.

 

And you are lying to yourself. You are going on a trip and you know that you are going to sleep with the guy that you are going with.

 

By the way darling, that is a sugar daddy arrangement if you have no real romantic interest in this guy. Some people call that prostitution and your new boy friend will see it that way when he finds out.

 

Why don't you stop lying to everyone here and to your new BF.

 

So what is going to happen is this: You are going to take the trip with china boy. You are going to give it up because you realize that he is not going to take you for FREE. Your new BF is going to find out that 1) you lied to him and 2) you prostituted yourself for a "Free" trip to china.

 

So let's start with the current truth. When he finds out about all of this, how do you think he is going to feel?

 

And after you guys have dated for a few monthsand another sugar daddy offers you a "Free" trip to Vegas or some other place, do you think he will be ok with that as well?

 

Would you please be honest with yourself about all of this?

 

 

Its harsh...but this is how you have to see it.

 

China will always be there.

[purrrfectlyflawed]

Tell him yes you are sharing a room but seperate beds. That is exactly what I told my now ex. I would be requesting 2 beds.

 

I would also tell China guy that you have started seeing someone and this trip has complicated things a little but you still want to go. I would not sleep with this guy. If he is open to companionship only then still go.

 

 

 

Thank you, that's really helpful. I just hope he wouldn't ask if we're sharing a room or anything though as I would feel like I'm lying again! Timing is so so terrible!

[phineas]

Have you slept with the guy you really really like yet?

if not, why if you really really like him and admit you will probably sleep with the guy who doesn't want to date you?

[Poutrew]

Look, it really is not that complicated. Be straight up with the new guy. Tell him that at only 3 dates, you are under no obligation to be loyal to him. Tell him the truth - that you are going to go to China with a man and sleep in the same bed as him, so yes, there will most likely be some contact. You can't guarantee anything, and as you aren't a virgin, it ought to be no big deal-a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do after all. Tell him that the same is true for him. If he wants to date around and get some strange, you of course wont hold it against him. You can simply pick up where you both left off with date #4 when you get back. Then, go out and have fun with china trip boy. Unless you get pregnant or catch a STD, it's none of the other guys business. Heck, even if this guy does disappear, you will always have a china trip to remember this time in your life by...right?

[basil67]

I agree that you shouldn't cancel the trip. But I doubt you will be able to recover from having lied to the guy you're seeking now. As lies go, this is a whopper.

 

Be honest with the new guy immediately. If he ends it with you, your problem is solved. If he understands why you lied and is cool with keeping an open relationship, your problem is solved.

[kendahke]

Thank you, that's really helpful. I just hope he wouldn't ask if we're sharing a room or anything though as I would feel like I'm lying again! Timing is so so terrible!

 

Shady a.f.

[Aesc]

Go on the trip to China. Then lie to your new romantic interest, just don't get caught lying! You can always resume your dating when you get back.