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Do I tell him?

vikki012

By vikki012
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vikki012 New Member

vikki012

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I've been seeing a guy for a couple of weeks - we've just been on our third date and it's going really well and I really like him. The problem is that I previously agreed to go on a trip to China with another guy and he has booked both our tickets and hotel - we leave just before New Year and are there for 5 nights. This was booked months ago, way before I met the new guy and I've been really looking forward to it. I don't really fancy this guy romantically but we will be sharing a room together so there is the possibility that something may happen between us.

 

The issue however is that I have told the new guy I'm seeing that I'm going with a friend who is a girl and now feel really bad for lying. I obviously don't want to tell him I'm going with another guy and potentially ruin things between us but I feel bad for not being honest. I wish I had said it was with just a friend and not a girl. I have only been seeing the new guy for a couple of weeks but we have been messaging on whats app every day.

 

As we haven't been seeing each other for long and technically aren't bf/gf yet am I doing the right thing in not being honest with him about it? I don't want to bring it up and ruin things before I even know if it's going to go anywhere with us or not. I also don't want to cancel my trip in case it doesn't work out with this new guy. I just don't know how to ease my conscience.. It also won't help if he is messaging me on whats app every day whilst I'm there with another guy.

 

Please help - I don't know if I'm overthinking this when we aren't in a relationship or if what I'm doing is really bad. I just feel like the timing is terrible when this trip was booked months ago and now I've finally met someone I really like.

Sweetfish Established Member

Sweetfish

Posted
Posted
I've been seeing a guy for a couple of weeks - we've just been on our third date and it's going really well and I really like him. The problem is that I previously agreed to go on a trip to China with another guy and he has booked both our tickets and hotel - we leave just before New Year and are there for 5 nights. This was booked months ago, way before I met the new guy and I've been really looking forward to it. I don't really fancy this guy romantically but we will be sharing a room together so there is the possibility that something may happen between us.

 

The issue however is that I have told the new guy I'm seeing that I'm going with a friend who is a girl and now feel really bad for lying. I obviously don't want to tell him I'm going with another guy and potentially ruin things between us but I feel bad for not being honest. I wish I had said it was with just a friend and not a girl. I have only been seeing the new guy for a couple of weeks but we have been messaging on whats app every day.

 

As we haven't been seeing each other for long and technically aren't bf/gf yet am I doing the right thing in not being honest with him about it? I don't want to bring it up and ruin things before I even know if it's going to go anywhere with us or not. I also don't want to cancel my trip in case it doesn't work out with this new guy. I just don't know how to ease my conscience.. It also won't help if he is messaging me on whats app every day whilst I'm there with another guy.

 

Please help - I don't know if I'm overthinking this when we aren't in a relationship or if what I'm doing is really bad. I just feel like the timing is terrible when this trip was booked months ago and now I've finally met someone I really like.

 

 

You need to cancel this trip. You are using him. Your not romantically in to him... but it almost feels like since your taking the trip your obligated to hook up with him.

 

How would you feel if someone did the same to you.

 

Now your tangled in a web of lies between two guys.

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kidm Established Member

kidm

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Does the other guy you are going on the trip with know you have no interest in him? I would doubt that as no guy would book a 5-day trip with a girl who has no interest in him plus although you've admitted you are not interested in him you commented that intimacy might happen so that gives away that there is something more going on. Have you been seeing this other guy too even after meeting new guy?

 

You seem to want to hedge your bets with both guys. You've only known the other guy for two weeks and nothing may come of it so I would the let the lie be. I suspect you also lied to the other guy about your level of feelings for him so why don't you feel bad about that as well? Anyway you don't have to communicate with the other guy as frequently while you are away. You can let him know that beforehand - you're going to be out and about with no wifi so may not comminciat as much. If this guy who is taking you on the trip on the assumption you are also interested in him suspects he was played for a trip to China, things could go south really quickly and in a foreign country too. Be careful and good luck.

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vikki012 New Member

vikki012

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The guy I am going to China with does not have feelings for me - he just wants someone to go with as he is visiting for business. We have never hooked up before and I don't really know what his expectations are as we haven't discussed it. I know he has no interest in a relationship though and neither do I.

 

I'm more worried about the new guy I'm seeing and his feelings. As the trip has been booked and cost a lot of money I can't just back out of it now though.

coolheadal Established Member

coolheadal

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You can do anything you want your not engage nor married to this other guy. Do what you want but remember this you will have lost the friendship with the guy who has the money. This other guy on whatapp you are talking to is he real have you met him in person, or is he just someone online you haven't met yet?

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vikki012 New Member

vikki012

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I don't think the guy I'm going to china with cares about who else I'm seeing etc. He may be seeing other people too - he literally just asked me if I wanted to go on a trip with him as he doesn't want to travel alone. Yes I've met up with the new guy three times in person and I really like him. We talk every day on whats app as well but have only met three times so far. I've known him about three weeks and we have met up once a week.

IfonlyIknew Established Member

IfonlyIknew

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You don't owe anyone an explanation. You've been on 3 dates with the guy. Ok so you told him it was a girl, if things do work out, the trip will most likely come up later on so I get your concern you don't want it to come off as a lie to hide something when really there is nothing to hide considering neither of you (china trip guy) have feelings for each other yet you don't want to scare him off by him not understanding BUT that would mean he would build up a scenario in his own head and you two would be starting off with out trust. You can always just say friends in general next time it comes up.

kidm Established Member

kidm

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I don't think the guy I'm going to china with cares about who else I'm seeing etc. He may be seeing other people too - he literally just asked me if I wanted to go on a trip with him as he doesn't want to travel alone. Yes I've met up with the new guy three times in person and I really like him. We talk every day on whats app as well but have only met three times so far. I've known him about three weeks and we have met up once a week.

 

As far as new guy, I wouldn't change the story you told him. You barely know each other and are not exclusive. You are free to do whatever you want.

 

Re china guy, very interesting arrangement. If this is not a long term friend (over a year) and some guy you also recently met, it's always a good thing to have expectations out in the open but it sounds like you're open to sleeping with him on the trip so hopefully no drama there.

  • Like 1
BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

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Lying is wrong. It just is.

 

So if you actually have an LTR with this guy it will have started with lies.

 

And yes he china guy expects sex, he may not say it, but he expects it.

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nothingsintheflowerz Established Member

nothingsintheflowerz

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Unpopular opinion: I would go. Have fun. You don't owe either of these guys anything. You shouldn't have lied, but what's done is done. Use better judgment in the future.

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umirano Established Member

umirano

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So "something might happen" with the guy who takes you to China while actually you want bed the other guy? Why is that? Are you not in control of who you sleep with?

 

The romantic interest probably has you on a pedestal, hence why things are going so well, and he'll soon find out that you lied to him and that you sleep with another dude while claiming that you weren't actually into the business dude but into him? You don't really expect him to be able to make sense of this, right?

 

Way to start off a new relationship and a new year...

introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

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I definitely thing you should tell the new guy the truth. It's bound to come out at some point, anyway, and he deserves the chance to make his own decision about whether to continue with you.

 

I don't really fancy this guy romantically but we will be sharing a room together so there is the possibility that something may happen between us.

 

Really?? :sick:

Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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Terrible decision making. Irresponsible.

 

My question to you is that you have been dating this new guys for WEEKS, had the ticket been purchased by then? If not, you could have contacted your other friend to tell him that you wouldn't be able to make the trip. But, if you chose not to, it's b/c you were happy stringing along two guys for free trip to China and to keep the romantic interest around.

 

Oh, yes, the guy expects sex. Why invite you instead of a guy friend? Why invite someone he hardly knows? SEX.

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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If a trip to China wasn't in play here, who would you want to be with more?

 

Then cut the other one loose.

 

I don't understand why this is so hard.

 

China is going to be there whether you go next week or next year.

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phineas Established Member

phineas

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If a trip to China wasn't in play here, who would you want to be with more?

 

Then cut the other one loose.

 

I don't understand why this is so hard.

 

China is going to be there whether you go next week or next year.

 

hard to be honest with men when she can't be honest with herself.

the whole "well, if something happens in china then something happens" while claiming she likes this new guy makes me LOL!

 

i seriously doubt she'd be ok with this situation if it was the guy she's dating going off to china with a woman.

  • Like 2
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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If the guy is paying for everything, he can find someone else to take your place. Be honest with him and telling him you can't go because of your situation. These things happen, life goes on.

  • Like 5
umirano Established Member

umirano

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hard to be honest with men when she can't be honest with herself.

 

Im really curious how this conversation would go:

 

Guy: ok, so you went to China not with a girl like you said? Are you dating this guy? What is going on?

 

Girl: well no, I don't really like him that way, you know..

 

Guy: so you guys just travelled together?

 

Girl: yeah, pretty much. We stayed in the same room though, he booked.

 

Guy: (crushed) uhh, you slept with him? In the same bed?

 

Girl: yeah! So? I don like him at all, it's nothing!

 

Guy: did you have sex?

 

Girl: yes/no (I can't see how it matters what she says here)

Edited by umirano
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kidm Established Member

kidm

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If the guy is paying for everything, he can find someone else to take your place. Be honest with him and telling him you can't go because of your situation. These things happen, life goes on.

 

I doubt she is going to give up trip for a potential relationship. Hell she is even willing to have sex with the guy in exchange for the "free" trip. Does that sound like someone who wants to give up a trip. She wants to go on the trip and do whatever and hope other guy is still interested when she comes back. If she were to tell him the true details of the China trip and sleeping arrangements, he would probably bail. I'm sure this is not the guy's first rodeo having some "companionship" on a trip and could probably find a replacement but OP is not giving that up or at least I don't think she is going to.

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vikki012 New Member

vikki012

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The thing is we've only been on three dates and this trip has been arranged for months - way before I met the new guy. I definitely wouldn't be going on the trip if things were serious between us. I haven't discussed exclusivity with the new guy and for all I know he could be seeing other girls too. We met on a dating app - happn - and he has been showing as 'active' every day on it. I don't really see why I should cancel my trip for something so recent that may never go anywhere. It could all fizzle out very quickly and then I will regret not going. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity to go to china and I would actually like to do some research out there myself as I have a swimwear business. I feel bad about saying I'm going with another girl but I don't really want to cancel everything in case it never amounts to anything and I regret it.

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vikki012 New Member

vikki012

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Also we are not in an official relationship so it is not like I am cheating on him

umirano Established Member

umirano

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Fair enough, you really don't owe each other any respect, technically. But if he's into you, any of this (lying, having no desire to sleeping with someone but doing it anyway out of laziness or something?) coming to light will not make you look like a catch.

 

I don't see that you really know what you want romantically. Maybe you are not ready for committed a relationship. Not with this guy anyway.

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BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

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It matters if you get in to a LTR with the new guy. If you don't, it is all good. And if you do the LTR will be built on lies. Lies by omission or full out lies, it does not matter.

 

Really the problem is that you lied from the start. If you had not lied and said that I have a sugar daddy taking me to china for a week, then he could have decided if he wanted to see you when he got back.

 

Since you lied, he does not have that choice.

 

See, if you had not lied in the first place, you would not even be here posting because you would have done the right thing and you would know where you stand with the new guy.

 

That is why you don't lie.

Poutrew Established Member

Poutrew

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The thing that makes me laugh is that if she does get serious with the new guy, and he eventually tells her that he spent the night in another woman's hotel room back before they got serious, this girl will act all mad and give him a tongue lashing for the horrible lie he told her - all the while keeping her little china tryst a deep dark secret :laugh: This dilemma is exactly what happens when someone wants to have their cake and to eat it too...:D

Edited by Poutrew
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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Technically you don't owe the new guy anything BUT leading him on by letting him think he is the only one is pretty bad. Obviously you are here because this lying isn't sitting well with you and the possibility of ruining something good.

 

Oh well shrug it off, keep dating new guy, go on your trip, and let things take their course. Who knows, maybe new guy will meet someone while you are on your trip....stranger things have happened.

  • Like 1
Sweetfish Established Member

Sweetfish

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The guy I am going to China with does not have feelings for me - he just wants someone to go with as he is visiting for business. We have never hooked up before and I don't really know what his expectations are as we haven't discussed it. I know he has no interest in a relationship though and neither do I.

I'm more worried about the new guy I'm seeing and his feelings. As the trip has been booked and cost a lot of money I can't just back out of it now though.

 

I don't really fancy this guy romantically but we will be sharing a room together so there is the possibility that something may happen between us.

We have never hooked up before and I don't really know what his expectations are as we haven't discussed it
I don't now how to tackle this without looking like a A-hole.

 

The inconsistency here is remarkable.

 

Maybe its the males perspective vs the female perspective

 

It's a once in a lifetime opportunity to go to china and I would actually like to do some research out there myself as I have a swimwear business
You could have easily just told him your going to china with another business like minded person who is a friend and doing some research. If its a once in a lifetime opp.

 

So your holding all the cards.

 

You get to go to China

You can come back and get the guy you like.

If you end up liking the business guy you can dump the new guy.

 

and you lied to the new guy and I doubt you'll tell the business guy you meet someone.

 

I don't know? - if everyone was in this poker game.. your deck of cards are the most desirable.

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