"When are you getting married?"

[cae88]

This is a question that I was asked by a family member a couple of days ago.

 

It was said in a jokey type of way, but how is this an appropriate question to ask, especially since the only reason why it came up is because my older sister is getting married next month?

 

I was at a Christmas concert with my parents at the time. After the concert ended, the family member came over to greet us and he introduced us to a woman he appeared to be dating (mentioning that we will probably see her again at our extended family reunion later this month).

 

My older sister wasn't at the concert, so he asked where she was. After telling him that she went overseas for the holidays and the new year, he further questioned if/when she's getting married (he knew she was engaged). So my mom told him she's getting married next year. Almost immediately he looked at me, started rubbing my shoulder and said "Sooo when are you?", while still rubbing my shoulder and smiling (almost half laughing). I also noticed that he obviously wanted my parents to hear him asking. There was a moment while we were conversing where he whispered something to my mom, so if he wanted he could have whispered and asked me the question.

 

After that, I smiled, but said nothing. I turned to my mom, who said something to him, but I heard nothing because I felt really embarrassed and caught off guard. This family member did not see an engagement ring on my finger. He has no knowledge of whether or not I am in a relationship. He just asked because my sister and I are close in age (I'm younger) and he felt it was okay or appropriate to ask.

 

At that point, I excused myself and went to the bathroom, barely looking in his direction.

 

Lately I haven't been feeling too great about myself. For a woman in her late 20's who is living with her parents, doesn't have a steady job and is single, I do feel like where I currently am in life is not where I desire to be. I want to create amazing memories with someone and have a family of my own in the near future, but I don't need to be reminded by or asked by people who have no business asking...especially when I ask myself the same question often.

 

Has this happened to anyone? Have you been randomly asked "when are you getting married?" whether you were single or in a relationship at that time in your life?

[Mystique01]

Ugh...YES....

 

I've experienced this question more times than I can count! Try being in your 30s and STILL not married when you really want to be.

 

Think your experience was rough? Try having your YOUNGER sister who's married (for years) and has kids all before you. Try being at the wedding of an ex.....trying to hold it together during the reception and be "mature" (cuz ya know..you two were good family friends of course) as he dances with his bride....fighting back tears the whole day....and then some older married man at the table sees your sister and her husband sitting together (you're the only non-coupled person at the table btw), and he then turns to you and says loudly at the table: "so how come you're not married yet??"

 

Talk about dying with embarrassment and shame!!! If only he knew I was there at the very wedding of a guy I used to have a relationship with smh...

 

So yes, needless to say, I've been there girlfriend.

 

But don't worry... I used to take it personally, but now days I just view it as a compliment. Obviously they must view us as desirable women for marriage, otherwise they wouldn't be asking us those questions right? Nobody typically asks jerks or people who aren't somewhat desirable either in personality or looks why they aren't married yet lol.

 

But yea,sometimes the question still gets in my nerves...depends on who's asking, how well I know them, and HOW the question is asked. Now days I just laugh, say no I'm single, and then jokingly ask them... "Why...you have a guy in mind for me??". Usually that shuts them up, or at least let's them know that I'm open to getting to know new guys (I'm new to the area).

 

So yea...don't fret too much about it. At least your sister is older, so that's normal lol.

 

As far as changing your lot in life, start making small attainable goals for yourself. That's what I do. I am always looking for ways to improve myself and enrich my life. I stay busy with friends, hobbies, spiritual pursuits, volunteer work and recreation,so I never feel like.... woe is me I'm single. Singleness is a time to get to know yourself. Take advantage of it! Find a job you would like to have long-term, work on your inner and outer qualities/beauty, save up your money to eventually move out one day. Keep making small goals and take baby steps until you've accomplished more of what you want out of life.

 

I know the right guy for me will come one day. In the meantime I'm just going to continue to live my life the best that I can. I suggest you do the same. Don't wait for marriage to start really LIVING your life. Stay busy, and HAPPY. People are usually attracted to happy people who have things going on for them in their lives.

Edited December 23, 2016 by Mystique01

[phineas]

Elope with a scumbag.

Let everyone tell you how big a mistake you made.

Get it annulled.

 

never get asked this question again.

[selinaluv]

I was married and have been divorced for six years, but haven't had a good, quality relationship since then.

 

I get the "how come you don't have a boyfriend?" They do mean it as a compliment and you can tell the intention, but it can still be annoying.

 

Now I just turn to them and ask right back "I don't know! Who wouldn't want to be with me? I'm a catch!"

[smackie9]

Good lord stop looking at this as a negative thing...being married ain't no picnic, it has it's own set of challenges. There is nothing wrong with being single. In fact you should enjoy it while it lasts.

 

Next time just say "Mr.Right hasn't found ME yet..." Then smile.

[angel.eyes]

I see it as a compliment. Everyone who is single beyond 25 gets asked that question...repeatedly...unless people feel you're a hopelessly lost cause or don't think you're marriage material.

 

My response if I'm not in a relationship at the time: I haven't met Mr. Right yet. Send him my way if you bump into him.

[Popsicle]

Totally inappropriate from the way you described.

[imaginarium]

I'm 34 and get asked this often.

 

I just tell people I don't believe in marriage because I don't like the idea of someone getting to tell me what to do.

 

I'd consider marrying the one I'm with now, but that usually sets people straight quick.

[Gaeta]

Is it cultural?

 

Why do you still live home at your age?

 

Some cultures are really big on marriage for women, it's like a woman cannot have accomplished herself without being married.

 

My daughter is 29, has never married, has no children, and has no serious boyfriend at this time. Last night my mother made a little comment that meant ' don't worry the right man will come along '. My daughter, being the confident woman I am proud to have raised, replied to all : Who decided I need to have a man in my life to be happy and fulfilled! What if I am perfectly happy with my career, my home, and a random boyfriend!

 

It shut every body up. I am asked all the time : don't you want to have grand-children? The answer is NO. I don't need my daughter to give me grand-kids to be feel happy and fulfilled. If my daughter remains single all of her life because it's her choice I am 100% ok with it. I got to pick my life, now she gets to pick hers.

 

You need to grow some confidence and shut them up.

[KathL]

You guys living in Western countries feel it.. try being me - the 28 years old unmarried Asian lady living in Asia surrounded by Asians zzz

Edited December 25, 2016 by KathL

[thecrucible]

I get this quite a lot from an elderly neighbour although his heart is in the right place. He's just turned 80 and he's told me he's determined to see me walk down the aisle before he goes. I told him I'll try my best .

 

I know what you mean though. It's the kind of thing you have to laugh off. I'm not saying that out of lack of sympathy because it's happened to me a lot. I just know that I have to force myself to do this to save face.

 

I worry that people get the impression that I'll always be single. But when I explain why, people don't believe I'm single by choice and some of them like to analyse. I don't think you can win as a woman though. I'm always going to be criticised by people in some mould because I don't meet certain expectations. When I do go on dates, I try to keep it private so I wouldn't mention that I'd been on one for some time unless I see it going somewhere. I don't see the need to tell friends and family otherwise.

 

It can be prying when people ask. For me, it's more often men that I meet. They're like "why are you single?" and I don't know what my answer should because I know they are looking for a particular answer. When people ask you that on date, you have to say you've been meeting lots of people but not met the right guy yet. Whatever you do, you can't ever give the impression that your last date might have been some months ago. I get asked less often now and I can only conclude that when I was better looking (I've put on some weight) people were more curious about my marital status. So OP, I think you should take some positives from it.

 

I've been in tough relationships at times and sometimes I feel really proud being single because I know I have been through a lot and come out of the other side. Being single has really helped my self-development in my early twenties because I've had time to just 'be me'. When people say this it really hits a nerve. I've made the decision to get more out there and try to actively find someone now. I'm glad I've decided this on my own terms and not done it out of pressure.