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Would it be completely insane to send my ex the book "Attached" for Christmas?

Ilovepizzalady

By Ilovepizzalady
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Ilovepizzalady Established Member

Ilovepizzalady

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I feel like he needs it. I am in the middle of it and it's so spot on.

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VeveCakes Established Member

VeveCakes

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I have to die laughing at this because I was LEGIT going to do this, and highlight the AVOIDANT chapter with like stickies on the pages.

 

It's kind of a bitch move but at the same time, my therapist and I talked about these types and she said they can not change unless they are aware early and have heavy therapy. So I thought maybe he would have a chance to figure himself out... I dont know.

 

I say do it. Merry effin Christmas

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Ilovepizzalady Established Member

Ilovepizzalady

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Haha that's the thing. I'm not intending it at all in a bitch way, just because I DO want him to be happy (and if he comes back to me, happy with me).

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LD1990 Established Member

LD1990

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Definitely don't do that. Sending your ex a Christmas gift or even a Christmas greeting is just another way stay in contact, which is only going to make it harder to move on.

 

And regardless of your intent, I highly doubt getting that book from you will help him. People don't want to be told what's wrong with them, especially from an ex.

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Ilovepizzalady Established Member

Ilovepizzalady

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he's doomed!

Jimmyjackson Established Member

Jimmyjackson

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You might think that something is wrong with him, he might not see it in the same way, you both have your own opinions. Don't send it.

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Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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I own the book and see much of myself and my ex in it. I was tempted to talk about it with her but ultimately passed. It wouldn't benefit me for her to change. It'd only benefit her current guy. No thanks!

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Ilovepizzalady Established Member

Ilovepizzalady

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As much as I want him back, I really want him to be happy at some point, even if it's with his current girlfriend. The man has been in a string of 1-3 year relationships that all turn out horribly. I honestly feel bad for him. I mean, I feel worse for myself right now because I feel terrible but I know I can work it out.

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Slimtripper Established Member

Slimtripper

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As much as I want him back, I really want him to be happy at some point, even if it's with his current girlfriend. The man has been in a string of 1-3 year relationships that all turn out horribly. I honestly feel bad for him. I mean, I feel worse for myself right now because I feel terrible but I know I can work it out.

 

Stop thinking about him as your boyfriend. Stop thinking about him as a friend. Stop thinking that his happiness is at all important.

Are you sending any other exes gifts? What about your boyfriend when u were 16?

No. because they aren't in your life anymore. This guy is not part of your life. His happiness is not your concern. Just like your happiness isn't going to be concerning him this xmas with his new partner.

 

No contact is no contact. Nothing. Nada

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BlkVelvet Established Member

BlkVelvet

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I have to die laughing at this because I was LEGIT going to do this, and highlight the AVOIDANT chapter with like stickies on the pages.

 

It's kind of a bitch move but at the same time, my therapist and I talked about these types and she said they can not change unless they are aware early and have heavy therapy. So I thought maybe he would have a chance to figure himself out... I dont know.

 

I say do it. Merry effin Christmas

 

OMG. I just finished reading the book too and I entertained doing the exact same thing, highlighting the Avoidant chapter for his perusal, lol.

 

Geez. Lol

 

I keep going in and out of the 5 stages of grief. I miss him and love him dearly, but if he won't even talk to me, then I HAVE to move on. Its,so frustrating when you feel like you can fix things if they'd just effin cooperate!

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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You may have good intentions, but I agree that he would see it as a total b*tch move.

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BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

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I think it would be a terrible idea, and you would probably look back on it with regret one day. I think there's a good chance you would look back and feel embarrassed. It's not up to you to point out his faults and send him a book about what you perceive are his faults. It's up to you to examine yourself and work on your own faults. If you sent him the book, he'd probably have laugh about it with his GF and, be offended, or think, "wow, I feel sorry for her because she's still hung up on me." That's the honest truth. You will completely embarrass yourself if you send it to him.

angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

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Focus instead on why you were attracted to someone who is avoidant. That's way more helpful.

BlkVelvet Established Member

BlkVelvet

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I think it would be a terrible idea, and you would probably look back on it with regret one day. I think there's a good chance you would look back and feel embarrassed. It's not up to you to point out his faults and send him a book about what you perceive are his faults. It's up to you to examine yourself and work on your own faults. If you sent him the book, he'd probably have laugh about it with his GF and, be offended, or think, "wow, I feel sorry for her because she's still hung up on me." That's the honest truth. You will completely embarrass yourself if you send it to him.

 

This is why I do what *I* want to do regardless of the outcome. OP, if you can honestly say you won't be embarrassed later, and if you dont have an attachment to any expected outcome -- you just want to do it for your own reasons -- then EFF it. DO IT. Just because others don't have the courage doesn't mean YOU shouldn't.

 

Who the HELL cares what he thinks?? He doesn't care what YOU think right now. Do what YOU want to do. Period. NO regrets.

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angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

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Sorry, but why on earth would you waste time, energy, and money on someone who doesn't give a hoot about what you think? :confused: There are way better ways to use your mental space and resources...like self-improvement and learning not to pick another avoidant boyfriend!

 

Fix your own life. Let him worry about his. You're no longer part of his!

BlkVelvet Established Member

BlkVelvet

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Sorry, but why on earth would you waste time, energy, and money on someone who doesn't give a hoot about what you think? :confused: There are way better ways to use your mental space and resources...like self-improvement and learning not to pick another avoidant boyfriend!

 

Fix your own life. Let him worry about his. You're no longer part of his!

 

Or you can do this, too, OP. Ultimately, no matter what anyone else thinks, its your decision. YOU have to live with it.

 

Good luck.

mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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No way! Your ex doesn't need you pointing out their mistakes (at least in your mind) to them. Terrible idea. And yes, it would be completely insane!

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Ilovepizzalady Established Member

Ilovepizzalady

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I think it would be a terrible idea, and you would probably look back on it with regret one day. I think there's a good chance you would look back and feel embarrassed. It's not up to you to point out his faults and send him a book about what you perceive are his faults. It's up to you to examine yourself and work on your own faults. If you sent him the book, he'd probably have laugh about it with his GF and, be offended, or think, "wow, I feel sorry for her because she's still hung up on me." That's the honest truth. You will completely embarrass yourself if you send it to him.

 

Ah yes but when his current relationship torpedoes YET AGAIN, I will have the last laugh. But I don't want to, because I want him to learn to be happy. He's my ex but I do care about him. I want to give the book to all my friends because it makes so much sense.

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Ilovepizzalady Established Member

Ilovepizzalady

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Focus instead on why you were attracted to someone who is avoidant. That's way more helpful.

 

I am, I'm looking at how I acted and how to change it, and I totally see a lot of myself as well. I don't know if he's avoidant or anxious, but he doesn't communicate in a secure way.

VeveCakes Established Member

VeveCakes

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Focus instead on why you were attracted to someone who is avoidant. That's way more helpful.

 

If you read the book its clear, OP has read it so Im sure she is aware lol

VeveCakes Established Member

VeveCakes

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No way! Your ex doesn't need you pointing out their mistakes (at least in your mind) to them. Terrible idea. And yes, it would be completely insane!

 

The book is not about mistakes though, its about your basic attachment style you are born with....it's not mean at all. It just simply would show them why they act the way they do.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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I agree with not sending it. He is not your "biness" anymore. The fact that you are thinking like this tells me that you haven't truly embraced the concept/point of reading the book . . . you are still attached to your avoidant EX partner by continuing the pattern/thought process/attachment style you have/had/are trying to break away from.

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Ilovepizzalady Established Member

Ilovepizzalady

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I am fully aware that I am still attached (I'm working on breaking free) but I think he would benefit from reading it.

Jimmyjackson Established Member

Jimmyjackson

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Ah yes but when his current relationship torpedoes YET AGAIN, I will have the last laugh. But I don't want to, because I want him to learn to be happy. He's my ex but I do care about him. I want to give the book to all my friends because it makes so much sense.

 

No offence but that's none of your business. What if this relationship doesn't fail? Or what if it fails due to another reason? If he gets the book by you in the post he'll likely find it pathetic.

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Ilovepizzalady Established Member

Ilovepizzalady

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I don't care what he thinks anymore about me. If he reads it then it will be good for him, if he doesn't then it's his own continued destruction.

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