uRabbit Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Thursday was my girlfriend's and my 9th month benchmark of being together. And it was by far the worst day ever. That day, after I picked her up from work, we went back to my house. She was supposed to get her nails done that day and I was supposed to pick my dad up from jail. He hit my mom and I didn't want to have anything to do with him, so I asked her if she would come with me to pick him up and get her nails done the next day. She said she wanted her nails done today. I got a little upset, saying that I wanted her there with me. Well, I ended up taking her home and half-way home, I stopped the car and asked her to talk. To tell me why she was upset. She said. "Take. Me. Home." I asked her to talk again. When she began to undo her seatbelt, I said, "Wait." And then asked why she can't be there for me when I need her to be. She said, "Take me home." So I raced her home, driving like a friggin maniac. She was scared and twice asked me to slow down. I said, "Why? You don't care about my feelings so why should I care about yours?" Well, when I got her home, she was getting out and the door was still open when I accidentally took my foot off the brake. The car began to roll back a bit and almost hit her with the door. She slammed the door and went inside. (everything I did - driving crazy, asking her to be there for me when I really didn't need her to be - it was all dumb and kinda selfish...) Well, later that night, my buddy and I went to her house. She was still out with her mom getting her nails done, so we waited inside with her brother. When I got inside, I noticed that she'd laid one of my teddy bears that I'd given her on the coffee table. I took it, put it back in her room, and wrote her a note. So, we end up going to Thursday Thunder (a gathering at the local cinemas where a live band plays and the restaurants around it are discounted and crap). Everything's going great until I come up with a suggestion for her. I ask if she could tell her mom she's spending the night at her friend's house and she could come spend the night at my house so we could just sleep together. She said she'd get caught somehow. I told her it was foolproof, but she didn't feel up to risking it. I kept asking her, being incosiderate and retarded. So, after I noticed she was getting agitated, I asked, "Do you want me to leave." She said, "YES!" so I got up and took a breather. When I came back, I pulled her aside to talk to her. I tried talking to her, but she said, "It's over! I'm tired of your ****!" I asked her what she meant. Blah-dee-blah. She had no real reason for wanting to break up. So she said it a few more times and the last time, I shoved with one hand in the shoulder and started to walk off. Her brother pointed at me as if he was warning me. So I went for him. But Brittney - my girlfriend - stood between us. Then security grabbed us. Long-story short, I ended up going home. I called her and my buddy and ended up getting her to think about her decision. I called her yesterday and she said she still wanted to be with me. I told her I could change. So did two of my buddies who talked to her. I told her that I'm trying to change, because I didn't really have a good example from my parents... So, she said she still loves me and still wants to be with me. So I go to have lunch with her at her work that day and ask her where we are. She said she didn't know, but we kinda established that we'd work on it. Today, we went to the mall after she got off work. We were supposed to get her some clothes. But her friends texted her and said they were there and they didn't wanna hang out with her if I was there. Understandable, I guess, but kinda selfish. She'd told them that she loves me and believes I can change and all that. Her friends don't care. They say we should break up for good. And, come to find out, she told her mom about what happened - who she tells nothing to, but she did 'cause she was upset. So her mom doesn't want us to be in contact with each other at all. So we pretty much have to sneak around if we wanna be together. And her friends don't wanna be around me, so there's even less time we can be together. I told her that her friends were being kinda selfish and that her and I need to spend more time together if we're gonna gain each other's trust back. Then I asked her if she'd want to do the whole "take a break during the summer." She said kinda. That means she'd be okay with just seeing me during the school year... That's dumb. I told her I couldn't do that and I know she can't either. We'd end up cheating on each other because we thrive on companionship. She agreed. So we still dunno what we're gonna do. I told her to tell her friends that we're gonna stay together and to tell her mom that I'm going to counseling. And I am, because of a fight my dad and I got into... So we'll see... Anyway, what should we do? I think she should tell her friends to piss-off. They're only in-town for the summers, and I'm not gonna take a break every summer... I want to be with her and I don't wanna sneak around? She wants to please everybody... I put her first and if my friends didn't like her, I'd tell them to piss-off... But she can't do that for some reason... So what can we do? I'm seventeen, she's sixteen. I do not wanna hear breaking up as a solution, because I don't wanna play around with other girls. I need to get started on my future now...
loony Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 First, you sound like a nice guy. You have a bad temper though. I'm not sure in how much your Dad has influenced you, but children usually learn about social interactions through their parents. If he hit your mom and had temper problems you might have subconsciously adopted his behavioral patterns. There are a couple of things that you mentioned that would worry me in a boyfriend, driving too fast and scaring the sh*t out of your girlfriend is not the same as having her being inconsiderate. There are worlds inbetween this. If you think you are allowed to be inconsiderate as well or pay it back to someone who has hurt your feelings you're not really ready for a relationship. I can see why your girlfriend is so stressed. You're a nice caring person, but you also demand a lot from her and you dismiss the tensions that you cause between her and her friends and family as unimportant. They are not for her and her caring for her friends or family should not mean that she cares less for you. It's just that she also cares for them and just doesn't know how to stand up for herself against them. She has to defend you in front of her friends and at the same time you're there complaining about her friends and family. It can be hard to constantly defend someone who is throwing a fit whenever he's not happy with the way things go. Her friends and family are able to talk bad about you to her, because you give them a reason to. Her friends may or may not be crappy, but you gave them a good reason to reject you. I'm not sure what I would do at this point, maybe I'd try to contact them and explain them that you are trying to change and that you're going to counseling (that's great by the way ), that you would like your girlfriend to be happy and therefore would like to get along with her friends, too. I think if you manage to reduce the stress you cause her, then the whole idea of taking a break wouldn't play such a role in it anymore. She's asking for a break, because you're too much to handle for her at the moment. If you say:"I need to get started on my future now..." then I hope you mean to say that you're thinking about school, planning a marriage, etc. is way too early at this point in your life.
Author uRabbit Posted July 17, 2005 Author Posted July 17, 2005 Originally posted by loony ...that you would like your girlfriend to be happy and therefore would like to get along with her friends, too. I think if you manage to reduce the stress you cause her, then the whole idea of taking a break wouldn't play such a role in it anymore. She's asking for a break, because you're too much to handle for her at the moment. If you say:"I need to get started on my future now..." then I hope you mean to say that you're thinking about school, planning a marriage, etc. is way too early at this point in your life. Yeah, we've both tried to tell her friends that, but they said they don't care and that they're looking out for Brittney's best interests... Mind you, her friends aren't very reputable when it comes to lifestyles and relationships... Yeah, I'm trying to reduce the stress on her now. I've realized that's a good route to go. However, her mom is still the one preventing us from seeing each other. She's too scared to even sneak around with me when her mom could never find out... Last night, we made a plan to go to the store and get her a few shirts, but instead, she went with her "friend." It made me feel quite left-out and what-not... By saying "I need to get started on my future now," that is in-fact what I mean. I need to secure a better job. I need to get better grades. But I also need to set up a healthy relationship. If it wasn't for her, I'd have dropped-out by now...
loony Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 Originally posted by uRabbit Yeah, we've both tried to tell her friends that, but they said they don't care and that they're looking out for Brittney's best interests... Mind you, her friends aren't very reputable when it comes to lifestyles and relationships... Ok... It's still best not to pick up a fight with them. Ignore their attempts to separate your girlfriend from you and stay calm. It is definitely better to not let people provoke you to say or do things that may embarrass, stress or anger your girlfriend. If you're centered in yourself, it matters less when people talk about you. The person that is important is your girlfriend and what you're trying to show her is that you're the right person for her and you can only show it through your actions. If you get upset because she doesn't defend you against her friends you're going to scare her away. She looks weak if she can't defend you against her friends, maybe she is also doubting you, because she has seen you throw fits for no good reason. It's probably a mixture of both. You can either leave her and look for someone else who can deal with your tantrums and stand up for you or you try to get her trust back and help her find some strength to stand on her own. Yeah, I'm trying to reduce the stress on her now. I've realized that's a good route to go. However, her mom is still the one preventing us from seeing each other. She's too scared to even sneak around with me when her mom could never find out... Last night, we made a plan to go to the store and get her a few shirts, but instead, she went with her "friend." It made me feel quite left-out and what-not... Well, see above. It takes a long time to build up trust, but it's so easy to lose it... Her behavior is not nice, but she's only sixteen and I'm not sure if it's appropiate for you to expect her to start a fight with her mom about you, especially since her mom has some reason to be worried. Parents don't want their kids to hang with people who get angry quickly and don't know how to set their priorities in life. They don't want them to risk their future with bad grades, because they're too distracted with bad relationships. If you think about it well, a lot of this trouble was a consequence of your behavior and your lack to control your temper. Not everything is your fault and not everything is her fault. Accept that some things are a consequence of your actions even if they're really unpleasant and try to avoid this kind of behavior in the future. By saying "I need to get started on my future now," that is in-fact what I mean. I need to secure a better job. I need to get better grades. But I also need to set up a healthy relationship. If it wasn't for her, I'd have dropped-out by now... You're quite young. You should maybe worry less about your relationship and worry more about your future.
ahonestgal Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 She made her appointment to get her nails done. Though you want her to be with you, maybe she ddin't feel comfortable picking up your dad with you? Have you thought about that? The whole driving incident was just immature and un-safe. Maybe you should take a break from each other. Clearly you wanted to be with her, but you should let HER take a break and decide if she really wants to be with you (without you trying to convince her, because essentially, that's what you're doing). If she doesn't want to be with you, then maybe it wasn't meant to be. I could understand why her parents don't like you, if they find out that you ask her to lie so she can sneak around with you. And how mature is it that you shove her in the mall when she wanted to break up? I am just being brutally honest, but if that happened to me, I'd break up with the guy with ZERO chance of taking him back. As for her friends...they're HER friends, even if they sounded selfish and immature as well. Still, it is not YOU who should decide who she should hang out with. Your gf can hang out with whomever she chooses, and it's her prerogative whether she chooses to tell her friends to "piss-off". You do want you want, she can do what she wants. Simple as that. I am glad you're going to counseling. Maybe with counseling, you can see things from other perspectives and work things out with your gf. What you SHOULD do now (to get started on your life) is let your gf decide what SHE wants to do. Let her come to a decision without you trying to convince her to stay together. You, on the other hand, should focus on school, career, hobbies that would help you get a head start in life. I am sorry if this sounds a little harsh, but I am just telling it like I see it. You're still very young and you obviously have a lot of potential, so I wish you the best of luck. -a gal just a couple of years older than you
Author uRabbit Posted July 23, 2005 Author Posted July 23, 2005 At first, reading your comments, I immediately got on the defense, trying to give reason for some of my actions/feelings/etc. Then my counseling kicked in, and I again realized that there's no reason to defend myself against the truth. I feel that I'm quite mature for my age, but there's always some growing up to be done. So here's what's been going on: Her and I had a discussion about the sacrifices that people make to keep a relationship going. I told her that I'm willing to sacrifice free time and my freedom given to me by my parents to make things work with her. I asked her if she's willing to take any chances or make any sacrifices to be with me. She said she wants to be but she doesn't think she is. It's confusing. She's a people-pleaser and if people aren't happy with her being with someone, she'll probably just break it off and move on, against her own liking. So what I've done is: I'm filling my free time - which I was spending dwelling over my relationship and its ups and downs - with friends, recreation, and job-hunting. I'm getting kinda phylosophical or something right now; thinking that, if she can't make the sacrifices and I'm the main force keeping us together, then maybe I should just let the relationship evolve on its own, be it for the good or bad. Just let whatever happen, happen. I'm still young and I don't want to be one of those people who says, "What if..." when they get older. So maybe I just have to let go if that's what's to happen... It'd be hard, but I've got support and stuff... I dunno... It's just almost unimaginable to me...
Recommended Posts