Have i lost him?

[Eliorana]

Hi.

 

I've been dating this guy for 3 months now. At first he was very much all over me in any possible way, both in text and irl. Lately he has been kind of off. He takes long to reply and it feels so non-deep, it's like so much small talk.

 

He has introduced me to his whole family and i have contact with his mother and so on. For him this is really important, he think it is important that his girlfriend (yes he calls me his girlfriend) to have a stable relationship with his family.

 

He came to visit me this weekend and everything felt fine until i took his phone and asked for his code. He got defensive and said that i was childish for wanting to check up on him and that i wanted to control him. This is what made me feel like there was something going on.

 

So i asked a friend to write to him just to see how he would respond. So he answered her. And he showed me that this girl wrote to him. I wanted to understand why he would reply to her when he has me. And he got defensive about it and said i just wanted to control him and that i did not trust him. I told my friend to continue writing to him and he continued answering her. The funny thing is that he told me he stopped talking to her after she said "how you doing" in the beginning which he obviously did not. And while he responded to her, he took time to respond to me. Then he told me to stop worrying and that he is not the type of person to cheat. He said that he would not only disappoint me but his whole family if he did. He told me to just trust him.

 

I know this is not right. I asked my friend to stop after a while. He told her he is single and he told her things he had lied to me about. On top of this he talks with so little enthusiasm towards me but at the same time he still says he want me in his life and that i am enough for him and again that i need to stop worrying.

 

I dont really know what to do. Sure the enthusiasm onto her convo was not "top" and he tried to avoid getting to deep with her. But what makes me so sad is that he lied to me and defensively asked me to trust him. I don't know how to handle this. I do have a lot of feelings for him, and i feel so good otherwise when i am with him. And about the phone thing when he was over at my place, i think that there is someone else who has his attention. He goes on and off facebook, but does not reply to me which makes me think that it is some other girl he responds to instead. He is abroad right now, which also makes everything more complicated. Because i feel like i want to confront him but i can't because i want to talk to him face to face. And i feel so ****ty inside, i've gotten so much anxiety lately and like there is something heavy on my chest because i don't know what is happening. I feel so sad and hurt.

 

Please, give me some advise on how i should cope with this and what i should do.

Edited December 22, 2016 by Eliorana

[IfonlyIknew]

Hi.

 

I've been dating this guy for 3 months now. At first he was very much all over me in any possible way, both in text and irl. Lately he has been kind of off. He takes long to reply and it feels so non-deep, it's like so much small talk.

 

He has introduced me to his whole family and i have contact with his mother and so on. For him this is really important, he think it is important that his girlfriend (yes he calls me his girlfriend) to have a stable relationship with his family.

 

He came to visit me this weekend and everything felt fine until i took his phone and asked for his code. He got defensive and said that i was childish for wanting to check up on him and that i wanted to control him. This is what made me feel like there was something going on.

 

So i asked a friend to write to him just to see how he would respond. So he answered her. And he showed me that this girl wrote to him. I wanted to understand why he would reply to her when he has me. And he got defensive about it and said i just wanted to control him and that i did not trust him. I told my friend to continue writing to him and he continued answering her. The funny thing is that he told me he stopped talking to her after she said "how you doing" in the beginning which he obviously did not. And while he responded to her, he took time to respond to me. Then he told me to stop worrying and that he is not the type of person to cheat. He said that he would not only disappoint me but his whole family if he did. He told me to just trust him.

 

I know this is not right. I asked my friend to stop after a while. He told her he is single and he told her things he had lied to me about. On top of this he talks with so little enthusiasm towards me but at the same time he still says he want me in his life and that i am enough for him and again that i need to stop worrying.

 

I dont really know what to do. Sure the enthusiasm onto her convo was not "top" and he tried to avoid getting to deep with her. But what makes me so sad is that he lied to me and defensively asked me to trust him. I don't know how to handle this. I do have a lot of feelings for him, and i feel so good otherwise when i am with him. And about the phone thing when he was over at my place, i think that there is someone else who has his attention. He goes on and off facebook, but does not reply to me which makes me think that it is some other girl he responds to instead. He is abroad right now, which also makes everything more complicated. Because i feel like i want to confront him but i can't because i want to talk to him face to face. And i feel so ****ty inside, i've gotten so much anxiety lately and like there is something heavy on my chest because i don't know what is happening. I feel so sad and hurt.

 

Please, give me some advise on how i should cope with this and what i should do.

 

 

This is a toxic relationship. You might have some insecurities that need to be dealt with before getting involved in a relationship. Asking to go through his phone shows you don't trust him. If he is telling someone he is single then there you have it, I wouldn't waste another day.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Move on. You both are responsible for sabotaging your relationship at this point. Never ask a friend to do something like that. He clearly is not into you enough and does not respect you. Be single for a while and work on building confidence and trust. Take care.

[alicyn]

It sounds like you are being manipulative and creating conflicts that didn't exist before. You ask a friend to write to him and he responds, what is the problem again? If you are upset that your boyfriend responds to a message that he receives from another person, especially a message that you secretly orchestrated, then you are absolutely being controlling and also dishonest with your boyfriend.

 

Are you sure that he told your friend that he is single? Did you actually see the message?

Edited December 22, 2016 by alicyn
clarify

[Eliorana]

It sounds like you are being manipulative and creating conflicts that didn't exist before. You ask a friend to write to him and he responds, what is the problem again? If you are upset that your boyfriend responds to a message that he receives from another person, especially a message that you secretly orchestrated, then you are absolutely being controlling and also dishonest with your boyfriend.

 

He is getting defensive likely because he has the right to be defensive. He has told you multiple times that you have no reason to be jealous or suspicious that he is cheating, and yet you still don't believe him.

 

He told you that he wants you in his life, and yet you say that he has "so little enthusiasm" for you? It sounds like you have some insecurity issues which is why you need constant validation from him. The way things are going now, you are going to seriously jeopardize your relationship with him, unless that's what you want?

 

We have had a convo before about other girls talking to him. I've told him that i did not like it and that it hurt my feelings that he still found it okay to speak to other girls after he made it clear that i am his girlfriend and involving his family as well into all of this. He told me he stopped doing it and if they wrote that he would ignore them. We never had issues like this before. I've had his phone before, he did not react like he did this time which is why i got so suspicious. I didn't want to create anything, i simply wanted to see if what he told me was true. The most hurtful was that i did trust him, but he sorts of ruined it with what he told my friend.

 

So dont tell me im being manipulative because i am not. I saw the whole convo, i was there with her.

Edited December 22, 2016 by Eliorana

[alicyn]

If you are absolutely sure that he is sending flirtatious messages to other girls, and he is denying it, then it sounds like you should move on. This isn't something you should put up with any longer.

[travelbug1996]

You seem very insecure, controlling and manipulative. If you have to ask for a persons code to their phone you have major issues within yourself.

[CobraX]

We have had a convo before about other girls talking to him. I've told him that i did not like it and that it hurt my feelings that he still found it okay to speak to other girls after he made it clear that i am his girlfriend and involving his family as well into all of this. He told me he stopped doing it and if they wrote that he would ignore them. We never had issues like this before. I've had his phone before, he did not react like he did this time which is why i got so suspicious. I didn't want to create anything, i simply wanted to see if what he told me was true. The most hurtful was that i did trust him, but he sorts of ruined it with what he told my friend.

So dont tell me im being manipulative because i am not. I saw the whole convo, i was there with her.

 

It is entrapment... and that is manipulative by definition.

 

Look.... you seem like a very controlling and jealous girl. I would not want you to touch my phone either. Also... It's ridiculous to say he can't talk to anyone of the opposite sex. Can he at least order food from a waitress? Or do you not allow him even that?

[Eliorana]

You seem very insecure, controlling and manipulative. If you have to ask for a persons code to their phone you have major issues within yourself.

 

May i ask you in what way i am manipulative? I had really no intentions on looking through his phone to actually find something because i didn't have a doubt on him before. It was an innocent act, that turned out to be something different from what i expected it to be. His reaction is what made me really want to know what was behind that lock.

[Mystique01]

You know OP I was all ready to be on your side when I read the first few sentences of your post.

 

But then I came around to THESE THINGS......

 

 

 

Hi.

 

I've been dating this guy for 3 months now. At first he was very much all over me in any possible way, both in text and irl. Lately he has been kind of off. He takes long to reply and it feels so non-deep, it's like so much small talk.

 

He has introduced me to his whole family and i have contact with his mother and so on. For him this is really important, he think it is important that his girlfriend (yes he calls me his girlfriend) to have a stable relationship with his family.

 

He came to visit me this weekend and everything felt fine until i took his phone and asked for his code. He got defensive and said that i was childish for wanting to check up on him and that i wanted to control him. This is what made me feel like there was something going on.

 

So i asked a friend to write to him just to see how he would respond. So he answered her. And he showed me that this girl wrote to him. I wanted to understand why he would reply to her when he has me. And he got defensive about it and said i just wanted to control him and that i did not trust him. I told my friend to continue writing to him and he continued answering her. The funny thing is that he told me he stopped talking to her after she said "how you doing" in the beginning which he obviously did not. And while he responded to her, he took time to respond to me. Then he told me to stop worrying and that he is not the type of person to cheat. He said that he would not only disappoint me but his whole family if he did. He told me to just trust him.

 

I know this is not right. I asked my friend to stop after a while. He told her he is single and he told her things he had lied to me about. On top of this he talks with so little enthusiasm towards me but at the same time he still says he want me in his life and that i am enough for him and again that i need to stop worrying.

 

I dont really know what to do. Sure the enthusiasm onto her convo was not "top" and he tried to avoid getting to deep with her. But what makes me so sad is that he lied to me and defensively asked me to trust him. I don't know how to handle this. I do have a lot of feelings for him, and i feel so good otherwise when i am with him. And about the phone thing when he was over at my place, i think that there is someone else who has his attention. He goes on and off facebook, but does not reply to me which makes me think that it is some other girl he responds to instead. He is abroad right now, which also makes everything more complicated. Because i feel like i want to confront him but i can't because i want to talk to him face to face. And i feel so ****ty inside, i've gotten so much anxiety lately and like there is something heavy on my chest because i don't know what is happening. I feel so sad and hurt.

 

Please, give me some advise on how i should cope with this and what i should do.

 

 

Honestly, I think BOTH of you are to blame for the demise in your relationship.

 

You're complaining about him being "distant" and "taking long to respond" to you, but yet you then mention that you basically tricked him to try to "test" him. No offense, but you seem manipulative.

 

I let my feelings be my guide. If I feel so insecure with my bf that I have to go rummaging through his phone, asking for his code, or having friends texting him pretending to be other women, then I just need to drop things with this guy pronto, because either there is something he's doing or something within ME that is causing me to feel insecure in this relationship. And a relationship based on insecurity cannot survive.

 

 

Do you think that perhaps (just maybe) he is acting distant now because he knows you basically tricked him and tried to manipulate things just so you could catch him talking to other girls? It could be the reason why he's gone ghost now. Most people don't like to feel like they are not trusted, and you definitely do not trust him.

 

My question is: Why DON'T you trust him? Has he done anything in the past to make you not trust him? So what if other girls like him or contact him. How has he handled it in the past is the question. To assume that NO other women are going to find your bf attractive is kind of naive. The real test comes with how HE handles it.

 

The fact that he even told you that another girl has been texting him should have been a sign to you that he obviously didn't intend to be carrying on a secret liaison with her. Most people who really want to cheat do NOT tell their SO's that they are receiving text messages from someone else.

 

I just think that the relationship is probably pretty much over.... Seems you don't trust him, and he is pulling away and telling other girls he's single. Seems like a no-brainer to me.

[Eliorana]

You know OP I was all ready to be on your side when I read the first few sentences of your post.

 

But then I came around to THESE THINGS......

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honestly, I think BOTH of you are to blame for the demise in your relationship.

 

You're complaining about him being "distant" and "taking long to respond" to you, but yet you then mention that you basically tricked him to try to "test" him. No offense, but you seem manipulative.

 

I let my feelings be my guide. If I feel so insecure with my bf that I have to go rummaging through his phone, asking for his code, or having friends texting him pretending to be other women, then I just need to drop things with this guy pronto, because either there is something he's doing or something within ME that is causing me to feel insecure in this relationship. And a relationship based on insecurity cannot survive.

 

 

Do you think that perhaps (just maybe) he is acting distant now because he knows you basically tricked him and tried to manipulate things just so you could catch him talking to other girls? It could be the reason why he's gone ghost now. Most people don't like to feel like they are not trusted, and you definitely do not trust him.

 

My question is: Why DON'T you trust him? Has he done anything in the past to make you not trust him? So what if other girls like him or contact him. How has he handled it in the past is the question. To assume that NO other women are going to find your bf attractive is kind of naive. The real test comes with how HE handles it.

 

The fact that he even told you that another girl has been texting him should have been a sign to you that he obviously didn't intend to be carrying on a secret liaison with her. Most people who really want to cheat do NOT tell their SO's that they are receiving text messages from someone else.

 

I just think that the relationship is probably pretty much over.... Seems you don't trust him, and he is pulling away and telling other girls he's single. Seems like a no-brainer to me.

 

I think you somehow just opened my eyes. The thing with my friend was just a one time thing, i know it was wrong. But what i found out was the what hurt me the most. I am a little insecure with myself, because i've had issues with other girls texting my boyfriend before. There is no chance he knows that i texted him, i know for sure that he has no clue that it was me.

 

I know trust is something i have to work on, i do trust him to a certain point. But his actions is what made me so insecure. I didn't intend on doing any of this but i couldn't stand being so insecure on what everything was about.

 

I am going to talk to him about everything. I need answers from him. I need to know where i stand in his life, and what we need to do to move on. If we chose to move on together. I guess my feelings controll me quite a lot sometimes, because what i feel for him is so real. And i am afraid of losing him. That is wheremy jealousy comes from. But i need him to work on that with me, and not get defensive.

[Mystique01]

I think you somehow just opened my eyes. The thing with my friend was just a one time thing, i know it was wrong. But what i found out was the what hurt me the most. I am a little insecure with myself, because i've had issues with other girls texting my boyfriend before. There is no chance he knows that i texted him, i know for sure that he has no clue that it was me.

 

I know trust is something i have to work on, i do trust him to a certain point. But his actions is what made me so insecure. I didn't intend on doing any of this but i couldn't stand being so insecure on what everything was about.

 

I am going to talk to him about everything. I need answers from him. I need to know where i stand in his life, and what we need to do to move on. If we chose to move on together. I guess my feelings controll me quite a lot sometimes, because what i feel for him is so real. And i am afraid of losing him. That is wheremy jealousy comes from. But i need him to work on that with me, and not get defensive.

 

I understand....

 

But please realize that sometimes what we fear the most ends up actually happening in the long run if we allow our FEAR to control us.

 

You will end up pushing him away and ending the relationship on your own (what you fear the most) if you continue to behave in the manner that you are behaving. Most men (and women) don't want to be with someone who is insecure. It's way too much pressure having to constantly reassure someone, feeling controlled, or feeling mistrusted.

 

I know you are afraid of losing him, but you'll ultimately be losing him anyway if you continue in the way you're going.

 

I would have an honest talk with him, tell him you were wrong in feeling insecure, apologize and just MOVE ON. Either this guy is not the guy for you, or you need to work on yourself.

 

Either way, I think you definitely need to get down to the bottom of WHY you are so insecure in relationships. I think if you don't tackle this first, you will just end up making the same mistake in another relationship.

 

If your bf has cheated on you before, then that's one thing. I would definitely understand the hesitation and worry. But if he has been good thus far until now, I don't see the reason to automatically distrust him SO much to the point where you're getting friends to try to trick him into wrongdoing. Not cool at all...

 

How would you feel if your bf did this to you? Even if you were perfect in how you handled the "temptation", it would definitely say a lot about your bf wouldn't it? I think this is what he is feeling right now.

 

I hope it all works out for you, but in the meantime I really think you need to get some therapy or work on yourself and try to get down to why you have a hard time trusting and feeling so secure in relationships.

[Miss Peach]

OP - If you feel you have to do these things (especially when it's not normal for you) then it sounds like this is the wrong relationship. It doesn't sound like trust is there (and I feel that might be rightly so).

 

I know this is counter intuitive but you never know what will happen with someone, where it will go, etc. You can't control the outcome. All you can do is keep your eyes open and see if you want to continue the journey.

[bachdude]

What strikes me is you are upset he is lying to you about his texting with your friend while you and your friend to do something very deceitful to him.

 

 

If you have this much of a trust issue with him then, yeah, break up with him.

 

 

This relationship is in trouble due to insecurities, and lying on both sides.

 

 

Neither of you are ready for a serious long term relationship.

[Satu]

Be aware that privacy is a fundamental human right, and should be respected.

 

Even the police can't trawl through his phone without a court order.

 

What you did with your friend goes beyond insecurity, and is despicable.

 

 

Take care.

[Poutrew]

Sorry, OP. This guy wants you only because he want a nice safe woman to bear his kids. You are his future breeder. You will give him a nice safe home life and respectability, and his mistress will give him passion, and right now, your girlfriend is being interviewed for that job. Find someone who adores you and don't look back...

[Dis]

I dont agree with the things you did OP but with that said....

 

If you're dealing with a dirty person...you might need to get your hands a little messy to figure out exactly what they're up to. I dont know what everyone is getting so upset about. He's obvi up to no good, so I dont fault you for doing your research

 

Him guarding his phone, being secretive, getting defensive when questioned, him engaging with your friend (whether you set that up or not) indicated this guy is a real douche bag/cheater/liar

 

So, where to go from here...now you know

 

And now you walk away

 

In the future, if a guy shows you through his actions he's a trustworthy man...respect his privacy, trust him and never play these games

 

Best of luck OP

[bachdude]

Not sure why it's wrong for a man to object to his SO going through his personal stuff on his phone.

 

 

I have things on my phone I don't want anyone seeing that have nothing to do with cheating.

 

 

I have personal emails from guy friends that I need to protect, I have some other random stuff like web pages about men's issues that are personal, I even have a couple mushy songs on YouTube bookmarked (haha), lists of possible presents for my SO, a few journal entries, and I even tried my hand at poetry.

 

 

So no, you are not guaranteed access to my personal stuff on my phone whenever you like.

 

 

Leave my stuff alone.

 

 

And I find it annoying to no end when women assume a guy is necessarily cheating because he won't essentially open up his mini man cave to her.

 

 

OP, it's not right to expect anytime access to his personal stuff.