Worriedwithlife Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 I suppose I should give you some background info which has potentially made this situation worse. Husband 'a mom was really sick and passed away last December and after that Husband wasn't himself. He was distant, not affectionate, touchy....but he wouldn't talk to me. We had been talking about have a threesome so try to open things sexually; but couldn't find a girl....so we started talking to couples. He seemed like he wanted to do this and was excited to try it so I was okay....I wanted to make him happy. Well we found a couple online who were both attractive and we were all clicking in the messages: but then we traded pictures of our bodies and Husband said no....he didn't want to do it anymore because he felt like the other guy was bigger than him. So we ended our group conversation.... we the problem is that the dude kept talking to me and I explained why Husband didn't want to do it. The other dude kept complimenting me and telling me how bad he wanted to be intimate with me and it made me feel good. Husband had asked me if I was still talking to him and I lied and said no. We ended up talking for only 3 hours. The dude exchanged some videos with me and continued to tell me how bad he wanted me. I never exchanged any other pictures or videos. When he sent me the videos I said things like "wow" "cool" and so on. Needless to say Husband found out and wanted to leave me. He called me horrible names and treated me like **** but I stayed and continued to try. I started seeing a therapist to help figure out the situation. He had told me he didn't think he was in love with me and didn't even want to look at me or touch me. I worked really hard to get trust back and held on for the worst part of our relationship we have ever had. About a month and half later....we begin to get somewhat back to where we were. He told me he did love me and want to be with me. We have been good. I felt like he had pretty much moved past things; in fact he told me he was past things. Fast forward to this December....he's being distant. Not affectionate, not communicating with me and what not. He's told me that he's stressed out with work and the liquor store and what not I've offered to help with whatever he wanted. So recently( the last 2 weekend) he's been going over to a girl named Katie's house. She's an employee at the store and is married, both times he's gone over there he says he has drank to much and doesn't come home until 6:30 am. The first time I wasn't upset.....but the 2nd time I was mad. He would be so upset if I did that. When he came home this past weekend at 6:30 am, I asked him what was going on. I asked if there was someone else or what. He said he just had a lot of things on his mind. I pushed the issue and begged him to talk to me. He finally said that he's not happy and he doesn't know if he loves me anymore or if he wants to be married to me anymore. He said that he isn't sure why he's feeling this way...is it me? Work? Liquor store? He said he's been feeling like this for a month or 2. He said he wants to talk to a therapist and get his feelings figured out so that he doesn't mess up the best thing he has ever had. This happened Sunday and since then he's told me he needs space; but doesn't define space. He isn't ready to talk about things yet and I understand that but I feel like I'm just hanging here. He said he knows I'm a good woman who is smart and beautiful but he doesn't know how he feels. He thought he had gotten past what happened in January but he's not and he said he hasn't fully gotten passed it which frustrates me because then I'm afraid that that means the last year of building and working has been a lie on his part. He also told me he doesn't know how we have stayed married so long....he said we don't do anything together and we have nothing in common. He let me cuddle him this morning but he doesn't really touch me, he doesn't initiate kisses and he only makes small talk conversation with him. We are doing something together for Our son's birthday but idk..... When he's been at Katie's house; he fixed her neighbors washer and since then he's been talking to her and Katie about our relationship. He's opening up to them but not me?!? He also "lost" his wedding ring....I believed him at first but now idk. He said that he's been messaging with this other girl a little bit (her name is crystal) and he likes all her posts on Facebook. Maybe I'm reading into things too much; but what I feel like is that he's establishing a emotional connection with these two girls and not me.... How did this happen? How can he completely turn his feelings off for me and act like this is nothing? How long am I supposed to wait? He does have a counselor appointment on the 29th and I know things won't be fixed then....but he won't open up to me and I'm afraid he's gonna decide he's done. I feel like he's already decided that....
BluesPower Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 I am sorry dear... First thing you need to understand is that he is sleeping with one or both girls. He may be swinging with Katie and her husband. Who knows. But rest assured that he is sleeping around. He was insecure about the swinging with the Big D boy for obvious reasons. He is obviously to immature to understand that D size is just life. You do the best you can with what you have. I am a regular sized guy and I have never had an issue with that kind of stuff. Your contact with him confirmed his insecurities. How old are you guys? What was relationship like be for the issue in January. He needs to go to therapy for sure, but there is no way to tell if it will make him want to be with you, you kind of have to wait to play it out.
Cali408 Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 Because he is in love with Katie. If he hasn't hooked up with her physically, he has emotionally. I know the trend is open marriage and it seems real cool in your mind like porn. However, emotions, jealousy and real feelings get in the way. He's getting a high from Katie, but feels stuck with you. You can't have what you want syndrome. He also seems like an incredibly insecure person with low self esteem.
Author Worriedwithlife Posted December 22, 2016 Author Posted December 22, 2016 I'm 32 and he's 36. We've been married for almost 12 years. I don't feel like he's sleeping with Katie because he is definitely not his type at all.....he swears he's not being physical with anyone but I think he's building an emotional relationship which almost hurts more
Author Worriedwithlife Posted December 22, 2016 Author Posted December 22, 2016 Before the issue in January we had a great marriage....so idk!
BluesPower Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 Sweetie, I am sorry, he is sleeping with someone, whoever it is. This is how guys act when they are screwing around, I know, I am one. And have you taken responsibility for your continued contact with Big D boy? Have you guys really worked through this. I can promise you that ever if he was not insecure, which he is, he was hurt very badly by that. You kind of need to decide if the marriage is worth saving. Is it?
Author Worriedwithlife Posted December 22, 2016 Author Posted December 22, 2016 I have taken responsibility for the continued talking. I did that by being honest and ready to talk....the problem is he is not a talker. He has trouble communicating. We haven't really fully talked about it because he feels like I cheated and I wanted more to happen and I feel like it was a conversation that was inappropriate but I'm sorry and have been working to earn his trust.
Author Worriedwithlife Posted December 22, 2016 Author Posted December 22, 2016 My marriage is definitely worth saving; it's hard because we are both going to be seeing a therapist but haven't seen one together yet and he wants to wait until he sees if a therapist will help his personal issues which will then help his happiness. He isn't sure why he's unhappy; it could be me, his work, or his business.
LexiCat29 Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 My marriage is definitely worth saving; it's hard because we are both going to be seeing a therapist but haven't seen one together yet and he wants to wait until he sees if a therapist will help his personal issues which will then help his happiness. He isn't sure why he's unhappy; it could be me, his work, or his business. Does your husband agree with the bolded?
Author Worriedwithlife Posted December 22, 2016 Author Posted December 22, 2016 I don't know if he thinks our marriage is worth saving. I know he hasn't left yet and that he hasn't gone and filed for divorce. What I do know is that he has ptsd, anxiety and depression and all of those things are making him unhappy right now. Because of the depression: he doesn't know why he's unhappy... is it me? Our marriage? His job? His business? He asked for space and I'm not quite sure what that means. I'm taking it day by day and hopefully he will make it back to me.
pteromom Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 I'm 32 and he's 36. We've been married for almost 12 years. I don't feel like he's sleeping with Katie because he is definitely not his type at all.....he swears he's not being physical with anyone but I think he's building an emotional relationship which almost hurts more This really doesn't matter. When it comes to affairs, it's not always about being attracted to the other person. So many guys have affairs with women they wouldn't date... because the OW makes them feel desired, and because they feel free from their problems when in the affair fog. I too think he's having an affair. If not with her, then with someone.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 Before the issue in January we had a great marriage....so idk! I strongly disagree with this based on your posts. You two explored the idea of a three-some, four-some b/c your sex life was clearly on the blitz. Also, he expressed how he was incredulous as to how the marriage had lasted as long as it had. In your mind, the marriage was 'great', not in his. 1
oldshirt Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 I don't feel like he's sleeping with Katie because he is definitely not his type at all.....e Does she have a vagina??? - then she's his type. 1
oldshirt Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 Even in the off chance that they have not had sexual intercourse yet, he is wanting to real bad and he is trying real hard to do so. Would that actually make this situation less dire?? You are being way to naive and way too passive here. He is having an affair and disengaging with you and rubbing your nose in it. Add you are allowing him the comforts and security of a home and marriage while he feathers his nest and makes plans with the OW. My immediate suggestion is draw a line in the sand and make him choose "all-in or all-out" on the spot and if he balks, choose for him and immediately see an attorney about drawing up separation papers and ask him to leave the house. Then contact the OW's husband and discuss with hime what is going on. 1
Author Worriedwithlife Posted December 22, 2016 Author Posted December 22, 2016 This is crazy....I honestly don't feel like he's having a physical relationship with any other woman. Do I think he's having an emotional relationship; maybe?? His phone is in lock down and I have no way to check that or his Facebook...I'm sure if I saw those things I would be unhappy because I'm sure that I would read something the dictates how he feels that he isn't sharing with me The worst part is our 12 year anniversary is the 31st....how the hell are we supposed to act on this day? Do I get him a gift? Do initiate sex?
oldshirt Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 This is crazy....I honestly don't feel like he's having a physical relationship with any other woman. Do I think he's having an emotional relationship; maybe?? His phone is in lock down and I have no way to check that or his Facebook...I'm sure if I saw those things I would be unhappy because I'm sure that I would read something the dictates how he feels that he isn't sharing with me The worst part is our 12 year anniversary is the 31st....how the hell are we supposed to act on this day? Do I get him a gift? Do initiate sex? The first thing you need to do is get your head out of the sand and wake up and face reality. Look way off in the distance on the far horizon. Do you see that tiny cloud of dust fading over the horizon?? That is your husband and your marriage fading out of sight. I am sorry to be so harsh but you husband has been detaching from you for possibly over a year, has told you to your face he is not committed to the marriage and now he is practically living with another woman. It's time to wake up and smell the coffee. You are one trip from the lawyer's office away from being served with divorce papers. The reason he wants to see a counselor by himself is so he get some advice from the counselor on how to break it to you.
BluesPower Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 OldShirt - I just love you man... In a manly way of course. Every time it worry that I am too blunt you come along with a good one. Worried, Look you need to take a deep breath here. What everyone is trying to get you to realize is that if he has not slept with Katie or the other chick he is talking to, which is highly unlikely, he will soon. Now if the infidelity is a deal breaker for you then you need to go ahead and file for divorce. If it is not, you need to realize that right now, your anniversary coming up is absolutely the last of your concerns. You need to talk to him and somehow get him to communicate. You need to start to figure out how to save your marriage. Frankly it may be too late but you never really know. And here is another thing, whether or not you were talking to big D boy for 3 hours or three years, you were having a little affair with him. And I guarantee that your husband sees it that way. So right there you are not really understanding what you have done. And as OS is saying, "You are putting your head in the sand about that and all the rest of your marriage". Now if you want to elaborate with some more details about your marriage maybe we could help you with more specific advice, I don't know. But, you marriage is far worse off that you seem to even realize. You have to find a way to talk to your husband.
umirano Posted December 23, 2016 Posted December 23, 2016 (edited) Why is it that everyone knows that he's sleeping with Katie? Why don't we trust the OP, who knows this guy better than any of us, and is right there with him? I agree with the rest. He's insecure, and the reason is because, you, worriedwife were seeking attention and giving attention to another man, who he already feared, and when he trusted you with his insecurity you ran to that other dude and shared your marriages secrets with him. In a time when he was most vulnerable you ran to another guy to talk about your own man's sexual capability, which he perceives as insufficient. That's not easy to recover from, especially if he has a fragile ego. This Katie isn't probably a big love. I don't think your husband's type would be so non-committal over her if he fell for her. But she probably validates him, might give him a small ego boost, but I doubt even that. I think from a long-term perspective the real problem is the drinking. I think this should be the priority of both of you, if you want to salvage this relationship, and I think it'd be best to divorce if he isn't willing to address this for everyone's sanity and safety. Do you drink too much, OP, as well or just him? Somehow in your marriage it became ok to take your dirty laundry to outsiders, without the two of you actually agreeing to that. And it's a ****ty feeling and it makes you doubt the very foundation of the relationship. If you want to salvage this you need to trust each other again, and respect each other by going to your partner first. I would get confirmation of him first that he's as much on board as you are to fix things. Then you have options. Couple therapy maybe, but most importantly you need to agree what kind of state you want to be in as a couple and then your daily action ls need to reflect that and move you towards where you want to be. Edited December 23, 2016 by umirano Punctuation
BluesPower Posted December 23, 2016 Posted December 23, 2016 We think this because we have all either done it or had it done to us. All of this stuff is so common, all of the signs are there. Most of us have EXPERIENCE with broken marriages and infidelity.
umirano Posted December 23, 2016 Posted December 23, 2016 Right, and I don't doubt that many times this can be the case. But we should adjust the urgency of our advice to the certainty of the information that we base it on. Because if we are mistaken, the wrong advice can put the Last nail into the coffin.
BluesPower Posted December 23, 2016 Posted December 23, 2016 Here is the problem with that... People come here for the truth and they deserve it. If people indulge their fantasies that their husband or wife is not having an affair, they waste valuable time making a decision about their life and what to do about it. This OP was worried about her upcoming anniversary when she needs to wonder whether or not she actually has a marriage or not. She made some real mistakes when they were looking in to swinging with her little affair with big D boy and she really does not understand what that did to her husband who is immature and in secure. Her husband is for sure having and emotional affair with one or two women and possible sleeping with one or both of them, and she just thinks that he needs space. What she needs is the truth, hard and cold in order to wake up to what is going on. Otherwise she will be blindsided when he files for divorce or she finds actual proof of the affair(s). We do people a dis-service by not being straight with them form the get go. And sometimes even that does not help.
umirano Posted December 23, 2016 Posted December 23, 2016 I disagree. We don't have proof of anything physical happening. OP, who's closest and likely has good reasons, doubts there's anything physical happening. I have no reason not to trust her. We can always cross that bridge once we get there. I don't think it's helpful to go by the worst case scenario without solid grounds. Helping isn't always painting in the darkest colors possible. It may do more damage than good at this point. Yes people deserve the truth. But you are not giving her the truth. You are giving her what you believe to be the truth, which is fair. We all do that. But it's an important distinction to make.
BluesPower Posted December 23, 2016 Posted December 23, 2016 1) I said for sure EA and POSSIBLY sleeping with one or both. 2) I will bet you a 100 dollars that if OP stays and comes back, she will report that I am correct. And a 50 dollar side bet that he has slept with one of them. Maybe you are correct, we will see. But so far I have been 100% correct even when everyone else has said that their was not enough evidence.
Recommended Posts