Feeling really guilty about no contact with someone I still care for

[swim808]

I went NC with this guy about a month ago. We wanted to be together, but extenuating circumstances prevented it from happening, so I felt it best to just cut things off. It was really difficult for me to do, but it was the only option I felt I had to prevent myself from getting hurt, but now I’m feeling guilty.

 

He is the guy that everyone loves. He has tons of friends, and he is the go-to guy when someone is having a rough time. He listens and he really cares about people. The thing is, even though he has all these people who rely on him, I think there are few people he actually connects with on the level that we did. He recently got diagnosed with a life-altering illness, and I think I was one of the only people he really felt he could talk to about it. I could tell he was really frustrated by it, and was struggling to cope, but it’s something he hides because he’s supposed to be the happy guy who has everything. It was a hard semester for him, but he admitted to me that I had made things a lot easier on him just by being there because he felt we had a connection that was hard for him to find and I just had a way of understanding him and what he needed (this was all after romantic things between us had stopped).

 

I’m now wondering if I should have taken a different approach. I hate feeling like I pushed away someone who could have been a great lifelong friend and maybe someone who really needed me just because I have difficulty trusting people and was afraid to get hurt. Maybe I should have tried to reach a compromise in which we set more definite boundaries for our friendship which would prevent me from getting hurt, while also still keeping communication open to a certain degree, since we do really connect and care about each other. I feel selfish that I didn’t want to get hurt, so I gave the hurt to him.

 

I can’t decide if I should reach out to him, maybe over the holidays, just to let him know that while I do still feel that some distance is necessary in our relationship, he can always talk to me if he needs to. But at the same time I really don’t want to seem desperate or put myself in a damaging situation. I will admit that while most of this motivation is out of wanting to be there for someone who was good to me for the most part during a time of need, I also just miss him terribly as a friend. I have accepted that a romantic relationship is not in the cards for us now or in the near future. So part of me wants to stick by my decision and be strong and independent just so I don’t have to feel so desperate, but at the same time I don’t want my pride to get in the way of me doing what’s right by being a good friend to someone who needs it. Would it be a mistake to reach out in some way? Even if he needed me, I don’t think he would ever reach out first because I specifically told him not to. So I feel it’s on me to reinitiate. Thoughts?

[Sweetfish]

I went NC with this guy about a month ago. We wanted to be together, but extenuating circumstances prevented it from happening, so I felt it best to just cut things off. It was really difficult for me to do, but it was the only option I felt I had to prevent myself from getting hurt, but now I’m feeling guilty.

 

He is the guy that everyone loves. He has tons of friends, and he is the go-to guy when someone is having a rough time. He listens and he really cares about people. The thing is, even though he has all these people who rely on him, I think there are few people he actually connects with on the level that we did. He recently got diagnosed with a life-altering illness, and I think I was one of the only people he really felt he could talk to about it. I could tell he was really frustrated by it, and was struggling to cope, but it’s something he hides because he’s supposed to be the happy guy who has everything. It was a hard semester for him, but he admitted to me that I had made things a lot easier on him just by being there because he felt we had a connection that was hard for him to find and I just had a way of understanding him and what he needed (this was all after romantic things between us had stopped).

 

I’m now wondering if I should have taken a different approach. I hate feeling like I pushed away someone who could have been a great lifelong friend and maybe someone who really needed me just because I have difficulty trusting people and was afraid to get hurt. Maybe I should have tried to reach a compromise in which we set more definite boundaries for our friendship which would prevent me from getting hurt, while also still keeping communication open to a certain degree, since we do really connect and care about each other. I feel selfish that I didn’t want to get hurt, so I gave the hurt to him.

 

I can’t decide if I should reach out to him, maybe over the holidays, just to let him know that while I do still feel that some distance is necessary in our relationship, he can always talk to me if he needs to. But at the same time I really don’t want to seem desperate or put myself in a damaging situation. I will admit that while most of this motivation is out of wanting to be there for someone who was good to me for the most part during a time of need, I also just miss him terribly as a friend. I have accepted that a romantic relationship is not in the cards for us now or in the near future. So part of me wants to stick by my decision and be strong and independent just so I don’t have to feel so desperate, but at the same time I don’t want my pride to get in the way of me doing what’s right by being a good friend to someone who needs it. Would it be a mistake to reach out in some way? Even if he needed me, I don’t think he would ever reach out first because I specifically told him not to. So I feel it’s on me to reinitiate. Thoughts?

 

 

Do you love him?

[krich1187]

It's hard for me to say because you didn't really talk about why you broke up. Also, it seems like you love him.

[swim808]

We basically broke up because of bad timing. I'm going abroad next semester and he's graduating so we will not be in the same place in the foreseeable future. I was initially willing to give distance a try, but he wasn't because that's what had ended things between him and his ex and he didn't want that to happen again. I eventually came around and realized trying distance so early in the relationship would probably make us resent each other anyway. So I feel like that was the right decision. Everything physical stopped with that and we didn't hang out in private anymore. Of course we wanted to stay friends in case we could have another shot in the future which we talked about and agreed that we were both hoping for even though it's unrealistic. But it just ended up bringing a lot of drama and hurt into my life because we basically still acted like we were dating minus anything physical or any commitment. I was devastated when he told me he was going to bring another girl to his formal as friends. Without me even asking him, he assured me nothing was happening between them, he just needed someone to bring and didn't want to feel like he was leading me on by bringing me. I was glad he was up front with me but wasn't sure what to make of the situation. I felt like I couldn't say anything because we weren't actually dating. I hated being in that in between.

 

I've never been in love before so I don't know if I love him. I know I care very deeply about him, but I don't want to tell myself I love him unless I know I 1000% mean it. I think maybe I do, but I guess I'm just afraid to admit it because I'm not sure that he feels the same way back. He has told me many times and in many ways that he cares, but I have trouble trusting that he means it and isn't just trying to keep me around for the positive attention I give him. I'm also afraid of opening myself up to him again and having him meet someone else. I can't hold it against him because I know if I met someone else I would give it a shot because my relationship with him is currently impossible, but it would still really hurt to see him with another girl.

 

So I'm just very indecisive. I've been back and forth about this for months, trying to figure out what to do. Thought no contact was the decision that would ultimately give me the most peace but that's proving to be wrong.

[krich1187]

We basically broke up because of bad timing. I'm going abroad next semester and he's graduating so we will not be in the same place in the foreseeable future. I was initially willing to give distance a try, but he wasn't because that's what had ended things between him and his ex and he didn't want that to happen again. I eventually came around and realized trying distance so early in the relationship would probably make us resent each other anyway. So I feel like that was the right decision. Everything physical stopped with that and we didn't hang out in private anymore. Of course we wanted to stay friends in case we could have another shot in the future which we talked about and agreed that we were both hoping for even though it's unrealistic. But it just ended up bringing a lot of drama and hurt into my life because we basically still acted like we were dating minus anything physical or any commitment. I was devastated when he told me he was going to bring another girl to his formal as friends. Without me even asking him, he assured me nothing was happening between them, he just needed someone to bring and didn't want to feel like he was leading me on by bringing me. I was glad he was up front with me but wasn't sure what to make of the situation. I felt like I couldn't say anything because we weren't actually dating. I hated being in that in between.

 

I've never been in love before so I don't know if I love him. I know I care very deeply about him, but I don't want to tell myself I love him unless I know I 1000% mean it. I think maybe I do, but I guess I'm just afraid to admit it because I'm not sure that he feels the same way back. He has told me many times and in many ways that he cares, but I have trouble trusting that he means it and isn't just trying to keep me around for the positive attention I give him. I'm also afraid of opening myself up to him again and having him meet someone else. I can't hold it against him because I know if I met someone else I would give it a shot because my relationship with him is currently impossible, but it would still really hurt to see him with another girl.

 

So I'm just very indecisive. I've been back and forth about this for months, trying to figure out what to do. Thought no contact was the decision that would ultimately give me the most peace but that's proving to be wrong.

 

Why don't you both take care of what you need? You go abroad, do your thing, and come back. Try to keep it a peaceful no contact if you know what I mean? Basically just let him know why you're doing no contact, and hope that when you get back, you guys can revisit since you are on decent terms and seem to have something worthwhile?

[swim808]

Why don't you both take care of what you need? You go abroad, do your thing, and come back. Try to keep it a peaceful no contact if you know what I mean? Basically just let him know why you're doing no contact, and hope that when you get back, you guys can revisit since you are on decent terms and seem to have something worthwhile?

 

Yeah, that’s definitely what I’ve been leaning towards. I know it’s best for me to not be in contact with him while I’m away, not because I want to hook up with other guys but because I really want to enjoy my time in a different culture without feeling hung up on him. It’s probably also best for him because it’ll be his last semester of college and I’m sure he wants some freedom during that time.

 

But with regard to the peaceful no contact you recommend, do you mean keep going with what I’m doing now? Nothing bad happened to make either of us really feel like things ended on bad terms, I just told him that our “friendship” was hurting me and I needed to focus on other things and he basically said that he had never meant to hurt me and he was sorry that happened, but I know what’s best for me and if not talking anymore was what I needed to do, he would respect that. He also made it clear to me that it was a struggle for him not to fight for our friendship to continue. But at the same time, stuff that happened after doesn’t exactly make me feel like we ended on decent terms either.

 

First of all, my friends literally sat there with me for an hour after this conversation and wouldn’t leave me until I deleted him on Snapchat. It was something I didn’t want to do, not because I was planning on continuing to contact him that way but because I felt it would send the wrong message. Like I said, things didn’t end badly, but I felt like to him this may have come across as “hey, I’m never talking to you again and I don’t want you to be able to keep up with what I’m doing while I’m away because I don’t care anymore.”

 

Also, we actually met in a class that we had together, so we still had to see each other three days a week. On that first day of class after our conversation, we didn’t speak. We normally would walk out of class together and spend about fifteen minutes just chatting, but neither of us knew what to do. I could tell he was waiting to see what I would do because he was kind of lingering more than usual. I ended up putting in my headphones and walking away. When I saw his face, he looked like he’d been punched. I just didn’t know what else to do. For the rest of the semester we didn’t even do so much as make eye contact. On our last day of class I finished our exam early and then sat outside the classroom to study (also secretly hoping he would try to say goodbye). But he finished and walked out and didn’t even look at me. He just walked away, knowing full well that we wouldn’t see each other again. But I also didn't say goodbye either.

 

So even though I feel like the initial conversation went really well, the complications of still having to see each other for a few weeks afterwards kind of messed things up. Which is why I’m wondering if I should at least text him in the next couple of weeks before I leave the country just to kind of clear the air (it has to be a text because we’re now both home for the holidays and live across the country from each other). Maybe I could wish him a happy holiday, apologize for having hurt him by doing what I felt I needed to do, express hope that when I return we can resume our friendship, and let him know that I hope all the best for him in this coming semester and beyond as he moves on to the next step. If he answers then great. If not, then I'll know it's over for good. Should I try that or should I really just leave things where they’re at now, knowing that if he really does care about me he will be responsive to me reaching out when I feel it’s right again either way?

 

Thanks for taking the time to read and answer all this by the way. I know it’s a lot! It helps to just write it all out though.

[umirano]

I think you should stay away from him. I've gone through more than one break up where I've been left when the going got tough for me, but I was a great BF when the GF needed me before that. I don't want these people back in my life, and I'd assume this guy feels the same.

[HorseLuck]

I'd advise sticking to no contact. Maybe in the future after some time has passed, you can re-consider reaching out if you still feel like doing so. You can make mention of that if you feel you ended on good terms. But at the moment, give yourself some space. Don't feel guilty, I'm sure he will be able to get his emotional needs met elsewhere. You're not obligated in any manner to stick around, especially if you feel he might just use you as an emotional blanket. Take care of yourself first.

 

Btw, you have good friends. I wish mine did that. Lol

[swim808]

I think you should stay away from him. I've gone through more than one break up where I've been left when the going got tough for me, but I was a great BF when the GF needed me before that. I don't want these people back in my life, and I'd assume this guy feels the same.

 

Yeah I totally understand why he would feel like that. The situation was frustrating and he was doing his best to make me happy in spite of that, but I couldn't see that because I was too caught up in what I wanted. Things got hard so I gave up to avoid getting hurt, ignoring that it was going to hurt him. I'm not proud of that.

 

But I'm interested to hear your perspective on this then, coming from the other side. Say one of these exes were to reach out to you with an apology, acknowledging that they had been in the wrong. Not trying to get back together, just a sincere apology expressing their regret for taking you for granted and wishing you well in the future. Would this be something you would appreciate? Would it help you feel more at peace with the hurt you had undergone? Or would you just view it as a pointless and unnecessary gesture coming too late?

 

I just feel like I should express to him that I know I handled the situation all wrong. I'll admit it's partially for me and partially for him. I would feel better knowing I made things right with him and learned from my mistakes, and I also want to take responsibility for my wrongdoings for his sake, so he knows I'm not just ignoring his pain and pretending I didn't do anything wrong. I'm interested in reaching out to make an apology if it would ease his hurt. But it's also the last thing I want to do if it's just going to reopen old wounds or confuse him.

 

This has actually become a moral dilemma for me more than anything else. It's not about getting him back, I just want to do what's right. Especially since I failed to do that before.

[umirano]

I'll reply to your post later, as I have to think about it for a bit. Give me 24 hrs. Merry christmas.

[umirano]

Tough question. Here's what's operative for me right now:

 

• I'm still a bit mad at the recent ex
  
• I always appreciate an honest apology
  
• I don't want old wounds to open
  

 

I don't want to talk you out of contacting him, and express your regret about what or how it happened. That is a good thing, and even if he harbors anger or frustration, if he's as good a person as you say, I am sure he will appreciate it.

 

Be careful not to make it look like you're doing it for your own benefit. If he is in a tough a situation as you said, and if he feels you abandoned him right when he actually needed you, in a way you "apologizing" to him, around christmas too, might just come across as selfish.

 

And lastly you should carefully look at how he can interpret this with regards of rekindling things between you. I don't believe I would take my ex back now. Not if I think hard about it. She's a great person and her greatness probably will never go away. But we're not right for each other and I think she's displayed a level of disloyalty that I am unwilling to risk experiencing again. Your ex may not be as settled in his position on not getting back together. Finding out that you're not there to talk rekindling may be a big disappointment.

 

I hope these points help you to decide.