to understand breakup behaviour of ex boyfriend? is he commitmentphobe?

[Jjangel]

First time poster although reading for while.

 

I apologise for long post in advance and thanks to anyone in advance for thoughts and insight.

 

So I met my ex last year. But of background, he was 5 years younger than me. He had only had one long term relationship which was just over 10 years. The split had happened approximately 7 mths before we met. They had also had one 6 mth break in last 18mths of relationship. She left him, and it is thought she was cheating although no concrete evidence he was pretty sure. I did proceed with caution at first, asked if he was over that relationship, wanted something long term and in first few months we both discussed long term desires. I.e I would like children and marriage in future. He was on same page. I thought bringing it up early would stop and over investment. I also only discussed these topics when he first started talking about them.

 

Anyway he made us official gf/bf after 5 weeks of dating. Looking back the beginning of relationship was fast, he started saying I could be the one within 3 mths, gave me key to his home, said I could leave few things at his place and gave me drawer space..even alluded that when his room mate moved in 8 mths we could discuss living together. I did feel it was quick, but I will admit I was caught up in it all, I felt so safe and at home with him. At around 6 mths we had disagreement, I was sensing him being a bit distant and felt like he was holding back something. He would be ambivalent about seeing each other, never seemed excited or enthusiastic. He never not saw me, but when we were together sometimes it would feel like he wasn't present. I asked him few times what was wrong but he would claim nothing.

 

We had first argument and during it he claimed we were only dating, he never said I could be the one and he never alluded to moving in together in future (I advised I thought it was little quick and wanted to really get to know each other) In hindsight I maybe should of questioned more then. Him denying things I know he said gave me bad feeling, but I took his excuses of me not understanding. I know he said those things but at that point he made me doubt my own mind.

 

Anyway fast forward to 9 mths, we had been on fortnight holiday everything seemed great, he had few weeks before wrote in my birthday card how happy I had made him, how lucky he was to of met me etc.. then suddenly another change. He said he had stress at work, it wasn't anything to do with me/us. He wouldn't open up. But treated me in quite a passive aggressive manner. Silent treatment, just seemed angry all the time. I felt I was walking on eggshells. I asked to talk but he wouldn't, citing he talked with ex and look how that turned out. It got worse, he went silent for 3 days on me with no explanation, then dumped me week before Christmas saying he had money worries, couldn't face my family without buying me present and also thought I had stronger feelings than he did and didn't want to waste my time.

 

I was broken, but didn't show it. I accepted, refused friendship, collected my things and left. Went nc deleted him off Facebook. 10 days later he claims he missed me so much, can't do this, needed me in his life and his feelings were getting stronger and stronger. I met him to talk and agreed to see him again after discussing that he needed to be open, I also said he had to be sure he wanted same things as me long term. He agreed he did. First 6 weeks were great, stepped up, made effort then he went distant again. I backed off, my trust had been rocked with first break up so I think understandably I was cautious. I spoke to him in person about it. He claimed he still felt same, nothing had changed he was just stressed and having to work extra because of money difficulties. I said I would be supportive but wasn't feeling important in his life. He stepped up for another 2 weeks then again it went south.

 

He dumped me after a further 4 mths via text message saying he had no time for relationship after I was annoyed he stood me up. Would not talk to me face to face. I was devastated, I couldn't believe he would do that, plus dump me again! I blocked his numbers email etc.. and worked on me. He really dented my self esteem with the gas lighting, words and actions not matching etc.. I felt crazy and confused. 2 mths after break up he started putting whatsapp status updates about, not realizing what you lost until it's gone, changing his picture to quotes every few days. I know I know, I should of deleted his number, not been looking. He was still blocked but I could see him.

 

Anyway he obviously got desperate and put up picture of his bedroom filled with roses and balloons saying look at this surprise in my bedroom!?. I saw red, he did it on purpose to hurt me. I put a status on about being lied to (as he was in New relationship) safe in assumption he couldn't see me because I blocked him. Well he was obviously finding a way. He got reaction from me and took picture down and put up smiling face? I just thought how immature and insecure. He dumped me yet has to try and hurt me. A few weeks later I got a text from him via another number. He claimed he dumped me as thought I was going to cheat on him because I was backing off and acting distant! Funny how they don't like it done to them.

 

Now I totally know I'm at fault for participating but the past 5 mths has been him coming back with messages that he misses me, then disappears, then again most recent he actually asked could we fix things, his feelings never changed, told me all improvements he had made in his life, he'd learnt to talk, missed me, always cared, regretting what he did, knew he was a coward the way he ended it but his head was so messed up etc. Then I bumped into him at my local shop (he knows I go there and it's out his way) I was in such shock and pretty emotional after him telling me all those things for last two weeks that I did cry (I know not the finest moment) he held me and asked could we meet up and talk properly when I got back off holiday. I agreed. He then ghosted me again. I feel like such an idiot. I've blocked and deleted him fully this time.

 

I can't believe someone would be so cruel to mess around with someone feelings. It's 8 mths since split, why come back and say all those things. He even said he wasn't giving any false hope. Can anyone give me some insight why someone would act that way. I'm struggling so much with why he would do that? The few times he came back before I accused him of using me as ego boost, playing with my feelings. He got really annoyed I'd say those things so I don't get why you'd keep doing it? Is it insecurity, bruised ego from being cheated on by first love? Is he commitment phobic? (He couldn't move 10 yr relationship beyond living together...Never engaged or plans for kids..should of seen that red flag!) I've read men who cannot love and it's quite scary how much some of it sounds like him..

 

I'm just so confused it's making this drag out for me. I just want to feel like I wasn't over sensitive like he seems to think. I feel if you don't want to be with someone why go to so much effort to messages with their feelings and heart, especially 8 mths later? I mean I've been the dumper and if I didn't feel anything for other person I never contacted them again after I'd told them why I wanted it to end?

 

Thankyou

Edited December 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for paragraphs ~ V

[Ilovepizzalady]

First thing, are you sure all his postings on Whats App and whatnot are about you? Could they be about his ex instead? To me, this reads that he is not over her and you are the rebound, who he cares about but he is not emotionally available for a relationship.

[Jjangel]

First thing, are you sure all his postings on Whats App and whatnot are about you? Could they be about his ex instead? To me, this reads that he is not over her and you are the rebound, who he cares about but he is not emotionally available for a relationship.

 

Thankyou for reply. At first I wasn't sure & didn't assume they were about me. But I actually confronted him and he admitted that he had been directing them at me. I'm very confused why he would do that. He dumped me twice, why not leave me alone if he doesn't want a relationship with me? I do feel like I was a rebound, although he denies it. He also claimed to have no thoughts about ex. Said she wasn't in his head or heart. I've never experienced such a confusing or messy break up and it's taking its toll on me hence me blocking him. I need to maintain NC so I can heal fully.

[Ilovepizzalady]

Similar to me, I have never had such a messy situation. Sometimes I think that because it's messy it is harder to get over. There is more to think about and more up and down emotions, which can get addictive. I am struggling to not have hope and go cold turkey myself but it's so hard when I remember how good he was to me

[Jjangel]

Totally agree. The drama of it makes it worse. I have had to force myself to give up hope because he has shown himself to come back but not follow through on his words. We deserve more than that. I know it's hard and hurts so much.