Scared him off

[Mickey75]

I could use some advice as I am at a complete loss about what to do here. I met a guy about a month or two ago on a dating site, after chatting for a few days he abruptly stopped chatting saying that he had started divorce proceedings from his wife and needed time to process. I said okay and gave him several weeks of space. On a whim I messaged him again two weeks ago and we started chatting again, except this time we truly hit it off. We totally are a good match for each other and we both felt that we had something good happening between us, both of us felt it. We chatted on the phone every night and sometimes all day too either texts or him calling me. He even texted me as soon as he woke up to say good morning to me. In this time we talked about so many things, our failed marriages, our kids, life and common interests. We talked about sex and found we were very compatible in this area as well. It was to the point we had even discussed how the meeting of our children was going to take place as well as talking about trips we might go on together as well. Those were all at his suggestion and honestly seemed like a natural thing to discuss since we both were that in tune with each other

 

However, we couldn't meet because of the schedules with our kids etc. But we couldn't wait to meet in person to see if we had an in person connection as well. We set a date for Monday night to go out to dinner and was planning on spending the entire day together on Tuesday which was his day off. In the meantime I had guests on Sunday and he was out shopping for Christmas, after my guests left I had my son, but he decided he could't wait any longer to meet me and stopped over. My son for some odd reason was taking a nap so we had time to ourselves. We found we were both very attracted to each other in person and spent the time kissing and light petting on the couch in addition to talking. While we were talking the topic of feelings came up and I said to him "I am afraid to get hurt again and I don't want to catch feelings too early but I can see that happening." He didn't say a word to me abut that but we continued kissing and chatting. He left after about an hour or so and told me he would call me later to discuss our plans for the next evening.

 

Fast forward to the phone call, when I answered I immediately knew something was wrong as he didn't call me by the nickname he gave me. We chatted for a few minutes about our visit and how much we enjoyed it. He told me that he had an awesome time there with me and how much we did connect. I then asked about dinner the next night and he hesitated and said "Yeah about that, I think we should hold off on that." I asked what was wrong and I knew it was going badly. He told me that it was nothing I said or did but that he felt he wasn't ready for going from me to we. He said he was physically ready but not the rest of the way. He again told me how awesome of a time we had and of course I was upset. We discussed the situation where I told him if he didnt feel he was ready he shouldn't be on a dating site. He again swore up and down that he did feel a connection with me but he just wasn't ready.

 

I found him on the dating site again yesterday. I don't know if he is just looking for sex but I am absolutely shattered about it. We each have a friend who both know each other, after the phone call ended I called my friend up in tears and told her what was happening. She in turn contacted his friend to find out what happened. Apparently he had been talking with his friend about me saying how great I was and how happy he was to be connecting with someone and was really excited to meet me in person. But when his friend asked him what happened he told him about my feelings comment and said that spooked him. Yet, he didn't say that specifically to me. I didn't know about this conversation as my friend asked his friend without my permission. She didnt even tell me she did it until after I was crying again last night. Yesterday, before I knew about her contact with his friend, I contacted him to tell him that I understood his not being ready and that I wasn't upset with him. I told him that I would give him the space he needs to do whatever he has to do. I also told him that I would leave the door open for him to contact me if and when he is ready for a relationship. I said that I normally don't do that but because of how I felt and how I knew he felt that I knew it was right for me to do that. I told him in that time I would live my life as I have been and that while I am not going to wait for you that I want you to contact me again. He replied minutes later saying thank you for understanding and that he hopes we will reconnect in some way. I told him to take care of his heart and wished him happy holidays.

 

Now of course I am petrified I will never hear from him again (we have remained friends on facebook however). I've never been in this position before where we connected so strongly. He brought me close and then pushed me away running when the slightest discussion about feelings came up. Is this relationship lost forever or is there a chance he will contact me again.

[smackie9]

Here's the thing....actions speak louder than words. The guy doesn't have time to take you out on a proper date and get to know you...instead he pushes to meet you at your place where some petting and making out ensues. A man that respects you, and has an interest in a relationship wouldn't skip the date and ride you on the couch in hopes things would end up in bed. Beware of wolves in sheep's clothing. When a guy throws excuses at you, says things about going through a divorce, etc, run away as fast as you can. Also messaging on line is NOT dating. Never think it's time spent towards a solid relationship....the proof is in how they treat you in person. This guy just wanted sex and it was plain to see he was workin his way by buttering you up messaging for weeks. Tip: if a man is serious, he will not spend weeks messaging you, he will make the time to take you out on proper dates and get to know you....if he doesn't bother, he only want one thing.

[kendahke]

My advice would be to delete him from your social media and don't leave any doors open to him in the future. Know why? Because he will do this again. Why do I say that? Because he was on the dating site again.

 

Aside from the fact that unless there is an executed divorce decree or his wife's death certificate, he's still a married man. Separated doesn't mean divorced, so he's really not in a place to plan any future with any woman... his life is still way too messy to be trying to drag other women into it.

 

BTW--what you said would not have spooked a grown man who was in command of himself, his feelings and his own mind. He sounds to me as if he wants to eff around right now (which isn't out of the realm of believability for someone who just got out of marriage) and figured out that you weren't that woman, so he's put you down to find someone who he can run that game down on.

 

FWIW, I think you were right to read him for filth for wasting your time when he knew he isn't ready for a full on relationship when he's not even divorced.

Edited December 21, 2016 by kendahke

[Mystique01]

I could use some advice as I am at a complete loss about what to do here. I met a guy about a month or two ago on a dating site, after chatting for a few days he abruptly stopped chatting saying that he had started divorce proceedings from his wife and needed time to process. I said okay and gave him several weeks of space. On a whim I messaged him again two weeks ago and we started chatting again, except this time we truly hit it off. We totally are a good match for each other and we both felt that we had something good happening between us, both of us felt it. We chatted on the phone every night and sometimes all day too either texts or him calling me. He even texted me as soon as he woke up to say good morning to me. In this time we talked about so many things, our failed marriages, our kids, life and common interests. We talked about sex and found we were very compatible in this area as well. It was to the point we had even discussed how the meeting of our children was going to take place as well as talking about trips we might go on together as well. Those were all at his suggestion and honestly seemed like a natural thing to discuss since we both were that in tune with each other

 

However, we couldn't meet because of the schedules with our kids etc. But we couldn't wait to meet in person to see if we had an in person connection as well. We set a date for Monday night to go out to dinner and was planning on spending the entire day together on Tuesday which was his day off. In the meantime I had guests on Sunday and he was out shopping for Christmas, after my guests left I had my son, but he decided he could't wait any longer to meet me and stopped over. My son for some odd reason was taking a nap so we had time to ourselves. We found we were both very attracted to each other in person and spent the time kissing and light petting on the couch in addition to talking. While we were talking the topic of feelings came up and I said to him "I am afraid to get hurt again and I don't want to catch feelings too early but I can see that happening." He didn't say a word to me abut that but we continued kissing and chatting. He left after about an hour or so and told me he would call me later to discuss our plans for the next evening.

 

Fast forward to the phone call, when I answered I immediately knew something was wrong as he didn't call me by the nickname he gave me. We chatted for a few minutes about our visit and how much we enjoyed it. He told me that he had an awesome time there with me and how much we did connect. I then asked about dinner the next night and he hesitated and said "Yeah about that, I think we should hold off on that." I asked what was wrong and I knew it was going badly. He told me that it was nothing I said or did but that he felt he wasn't ready for going from me to we. He said he was physically ready but not the rest of the way. He again told me how awesome of a time we had and of course I was upset. We discussed the situation where I told him if he didnt feel he was ready he shouldn't be on a dating site. He again swore up and down that he did feel a connection with me but he just wasn't ready.

 

I found him on the dating site again yesterday. I don't know if he is just looking for sex but I am absolutely shattered about it. We each have a friend who both know each other, after the phone call ended I called my friend up in tears and told her what was happening. She in turn contacted his friend to find out what happened. Apparently he had been talking with his friend about me saying how great I was and how happy he was to be connecting with someone and was really excited to meet me in person. But when his friend asked him what happened he told him about my feelings comment and said that spooked him. Yet, he didn't say that specifically to me. I didn't know about this conversation as my friend asked his friend without my permission. She didnt even tell me she did it until after I was crying again last night. Yesterday, before I knew about her contact with his friend, I contacted him to tell him that I understood his not being ready and that I wasn't upset with him. I told him that I would give him the space he needs to do whatever he has to do. I also told him that I would leave the door open for him to contact me if and when he is ready for a relationship. I said that I normally don't do that but because of how I felt and how I knew he felt that I knew it was right for me to do that. I told him in that time I would live my life as I have been and that while I am not going to wait for you that I want you to contact me again. He replied minutes later saying thank you for understanding and that he hopes we will reconnect in some way. I told him to take care of his heart and wished him happy holidays.

 

Now of course I am petrified I will never hear from him again (we have remained friends on facebook however). I've never been in this position before where we connected so strongly. He brought me close and then pushed me away running when the slightest discussion about feelings came up. Is this relationship lost forever or is there a chance he will contact me again.

 

Well, tbh....only time can tell you that. There are some secrets only time can tell... before that, the rest is merely just speculation.

 

 

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. It sucks I know.

 

If there are some things that maybe I can suggest though that you can perhaps keep in mind going forward, it's this:

 

-I think you should have allowed him to contact you first after his divorce became final. Not that there was anything wrong with you contacting him, but divorce is a pretty emotional experience...even if the marriage was awful. It can really be hard to let go and move on quickly.

 

-I think you guys sharing so much emotionally right off the bat was therapeutic and everything, but pouring out too much before even meeting in person first is like rolling dice. Sometimes it brings couples closer together, but most times it creates a FALSE sense of intimacy before even meeting the person, and it can cause feelings to develop much quicker than had the two of you simply just met in person early on. Better to be brief and say very little emotionally until you two have met in person at least twice for a date.

 

-Yes, sharing your "feelings" comment was probably a bit too much for him at that time, but hey....what's done is done. Again, you did nothing wrong, but for HIM it just was too much at that time.

 

 

 

Idk if the relationship is doomed, but I DO feel that he needs some time before he dates ANYONE seriously to be quite honest. He's not ready (imo) for something serious yet.

 

Two months is not long enough (in my mind) for someone to truly get over a divorce (goodness knows how long they were married) and to be fully ready to move on and date someone else. And if the person has kids together with the ex, that adds in even MORE additional hurdles.

 

Just being honest...

 

 

Right now, there's really nothing you can do. It's up to him, not you.

 

I would just stay open, optimistic, friendly and hopefully, but I wouldn't "wait" for him. Let HIM make the moves. Don't become his therapist, and don't carry on a textual relationship because he's bored, lonely, or needing validation.

 

When he's ready for something serious with you, he will emerge a stronger man, confident, not needing to vent all the time about the ex, etc. You will know when a man is fully ready to move on from the ex and start a new relationship with you. In fact, he probably won't even want to mention the ex lol.

 

 

I hope you can stay busy and keep your options open in the meantime.

[Mystique01]

Duplicate post sorry

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

i would like to opine here that you didn't chase him off at all...the problem is him, not you.

 

My best guess is that he got cold feet so maybe waxed a bit poetic about the woman he is divorcing.

 

Perhaps he got a piece of ass off of her and felt like maybe he could work things out...you know that whole spirit of the season bs...

 

And then he woke up the next morning and realized she was still the woman he was divorcing, so out of sheer embarrassment at himself for falling for it, he decided that it would be best if he didn't subject you to his waffling. So naturally he didn't think about getting busted by you when he got back on the dating site. He was doing what he could to shake off his ex again after falling for it.

 

Sadly you re in a no win situation. He will probably remain emotionally unavailable for the forseeable future.

Divorce of course has a nasty way of showing that in ourselves.

 

'Don't wait around for him..life is too short.. We men are more fragile and full of drama than we will ever admit.

[Gr8fuln2020]

It seems you moved TOO fast and your sharing of your emotions lends to that. People having such strong(ish) feelings even before ever meeting is not a healthy sign. Also, he did jump the date and go to visiting you at your home. I know you said you both have mutual friends, but did he know where you lived prior to you telling him? You didn't really know him, right?

 

Anyway, time will tell. But, I too suspect, he wanted more physically than he received and him quickly going back to the dating sight shows that he was looking for a replacement. Sorry.

[joseb]

You seem to have talked way too much before even meeting up.

Talking about sex before meeting?

Texts every morning? Sorry, seems really weird.

 

I think that a guy just out of a marriage needs to just go have some fun, so yeah if you are looking for a serious relationship I don't think this is a good idea.

[winny]

Just wanted sex, no strings attached. Rest all is BS.

[Miss Spider]

He's not ready to have dinner with you, but he's ready to have sex??? Get out of there now!!!

[winny]

I could use some advice as I am at a complete loss about what to do here. I met a guy about a month or two ago on a dating site, after chatting for a few days he abruptly stopped chatting saying that he had started divorce proceedings from his wife and needed time to process. I said okay and gave him several weeks of space. On a whim I messaged him again two weeks ago and we started chatting again, except this time we truly hit it off. We totally are a good match for each other How do you know this just by chatting?? and we both felt that we had something good happening between us, both of us felt it. We chatted on the phone every night and sometimes all day too either texts or him calling me. He even texted me as soon as he woke up to say good morning to me. Start of BS.In this time we talked about so many things, our failed marriages, our kids, life and common interests. We talked about sex and found we were very compatible in this area as well. It was to the point we had even discussed how the meeting of our children was going to take place as well as talking about trips we might go on together as well. Those were all at his suggestion and honestly seemed like a natural thing to discuss since we both were that in tune with each other

 

However, we couldn't meet because of the schedules with our kids etc. But we couldn't wait to meet in person to see if we had an in person connection as well. We set a date for Monday night to go out to dinner and was planning on spending the entire day together on Tuesday which was his day off. In the meantime I had guests on Sunday and he was out shopping for Christmas, after my guests left I had my son, but he decided he could't wait any longer to meet me and stopped over. He was horny My son for some odd reason was taking a nap so we had time to ourselves. We found we were both very attracted to each other in person and spent the time kissing and light petting on the couch in addition to talking. While we were talking the topic of feelings came up and I said to him "I am afraid to get hurt again and I don't want to catch feelings too early but I can see that happening." He didn't say a word to me abut that but we continued kissing and chatting. He left after about an hour or so and told me he would call me later to discuss our plans for the next evening.

 

Fast forward to the phone call, when I answered I immediately knew something was wrong as he didn't call me by the nickname he gave me. We chatted for a few minutes about our visit and how much we enjoyed it. He told me that he had an awesome time there with me and how much we did connect. I then asked about dinner the next night and he hesitated and said "Yeah about that, I think we should hold off on that." I asked what was wrong and I knew it was going badly. He told me that it was nothing I said or did but that he felt he wasn't ready for going from me to we. He said he was physically ready but not the rest of the way. BSHe again told me how awesome of a time we had and of course I was upset. We discussed the situation where I told him if he didnt feel he was ready he shouldn't be on a dating site. He again swore up and down that he did feel a connection with me but he just wasn't ready.More BS.

 

I found him on the dating site again yesterday. I don't know if he is just looking for sex but I am absolutely shattered about it. We each have a friend who both know each other, after the phone call ended I called my friend up in tears and told her what was happening. She in turn contacted his friend to find out what happened. Apparently he had been talking with his friend about me saying how great I was and how happy he was to be connecting with someone and was really excited to meet me in person. But when his friend asked him what happened he told him about my feelings comment and said that spooked him. Yet, he didn't say that specifically to me. I didn't know about this conversation as my friend asked his friend without my permission. She didnt even tell me she did it until after I was crying again last night. Yesterday, before I knew about her contact with his friend, I contacted him to tell him that I understood his not being ready and that I wasn't upset with him. You should be upset with him. Why are you not? This guy led you on. I told him that I would give him the space he needs to do whatever he has to do. I also told him that I would leave the door open for him to contact me if and when he is ready for a relationship. No!!! Do not leave any doors open!! I said that I normally don't do that but because of how I felt and how I knew he felt that I knew it was right for me to do that. I told him in that time I would live my life as I have been and that while I am not going to wait for you that I want you to contact me again. He replied minutes later saying thank you for understanding and that he hopes we will reconnect in some way. And the BS continues... I told him to take care of his heart and wished him happy holidays.

 

Now of course I am petrified I will never hear from him again (we have remained friends on facebook however). I've never been in this position before where we connected so strongly. Seriously?? Get a hold of yourself!!!He brought me close and then pushed me away running when the slightest discussion about feelings came up. Is this relationship lost forever or is there a chance he will contact me again.How can you still want this loser???

[Purepony]

^^^^

Because attractive women only go for looks and like to be pushed away and jacked around

[smackie9]

OP you didn't scare him away, he had no intention of staying.

[VeveCakes]

Yeah I think he is on the dating site because he is ready to have fun but maybe saw you developed feelings for him and he didn't want to lead you on. There isn't really anything wrong with his actions.

 

I think it's a bit much to be in tears over someone you met once. Why would you have introduced him to your children so soon also?

 

When you are looking for a relationship, hold out for dates. Don't invite them into your life until you know they are looking for the same thing and have proven their word is good.

[Calmandfocused]

Im sorry this happened to you OP.

 

I'm assuming this is your first dabble in the dating world after being married for sometime? Is this correct?

 

If so, you'd do well to learn from a few errors here:

 

Firstly, allowing him to come into your house with your son present was a bad move. You do not know this man. He could be a rapist/ axe murderer for all you know. He now knows where you live and you could have placed your child at risk.

 

Maybe I'm being over cautious but there are some weirdos out there. Please think twice before doing this again.

 

You romanticised this man in your head. He doesn't sound that great to me for reasons others have mentioned. Don't let him use you op, go get someone who can give you what you want.