ladeda910 Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 (edited) I have been dating a man now for nearly 8 months. He told me before we became official that 20 years ago when he lived in Germany he had a girlfriend who introduced him to swinging. They participated in this but broke up and he moved back to the States where he participated in it as a single person for a while. He had another girlfriend with no interest in it and he was completely fine with it and didn't need or want her to be a swinger. When he first told me this it didn't bother me much for some reason. Part of me wishes he never told me. But now that I am in love with him this subject keeps popping up in my head and bothering me over and over. He doesn't bring it up to talk about it ever and neither do I except for the past times I've gotten myself really upset about it and felt the need to talk about some of my feelings about it. But I just can't seem to move past it. It still bothers me. I love him he is so good in many ways and I really wish I could just not let this bother me! It isn't that it makes me feel jealous as much as I just feel inadequate and insecure that I will never share an experience like that with my lover and he has shared it with (god knows) how many women. Does it sound like I need therapy?? I've really tried to meditate and work on this issue with myself. I've found that I feel inadequate in other areas of my life too but this one stupid swinger issue has me all worked up I realize he did this more than 20 years ago. He has never brought it up, had any weird sexual things he asked me to do, nothing like that. It is simply a fact of his past. What should I do? Edited December 21, 2016 by ladeda910 1
basil67 Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 Remind yourself that if it was really great - or an very important part of his life - he wouldn't have stopped doing it. Thing is, if he doesn't miss it, then there's probably not much to miss.
kendahke Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 You're allowing yourself to torture yourself by something in his past that cannot be changed. If you're already struggling with issues of worth, then I would strongly suggest that you work on finding a therapist to address and resolve those issues instead of trying to keep this guy because you will keep dragging this baggage into the middle of your relationship for him to unpack and deal with. It's not his issue to deal with. He's told you the truth and if you can't handle his truth, then you need to leave him alone. Nothing is spinning the earth backwards to the moment 20 years ago before he OK'd it with himself to engage in swinging. You need to decide if keeping that narrative running in your head is worth it--pro tip: it's not.
Gaeta Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 I just feel inadequate and insecure that I will never share an experience like that with my lover and he has shared it with (god knows) how many women. Not sure I follow you here. Do you wish to experience swinging? Do you consider swinging something 'special' to share with a mate? You remind me of me when I was 17 years old. I was jealous my first boyfriend had kissed another girl before I met him. Your case is on a different scale but same principal. His sexual past has nothing to do with the connection he has with you today. If you ask your boyfriend what are the memories he cherishes the most I doubt he'll say that time he swing with an ex. I don't see why you would envy their swinging. If I were you I'd be happy he got it out of his system and he'll never bother you with it. 1
Miss Spider Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 I'm no angel, but swinging??? Gross...this would be a deal breaker for me. Reeks of promiscuity. It would make me see them in another light forever. I wanna have a future with the guy I'm dating. What if we have kids...? Passed my boundaries. I feel you. 1
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 I would find it a bother too. Mind you, do you feel like your sexual experience is inadequate as in lack thereof? Or are you worried that he's compared you to or comparing you to lots of other woman out there? I once had sex with a guy who boasted his promiscuous lifestyle and thought he was an amazing in bed. He was selfish and terrible and the worst sex I've ever had. My current boyfriend has had sex with the same amount of people as me, but claims he's never had more of a connection with any other person the way that he's had with me. Lots of sexual experience doesn't always equate to good sex and a real fantastic connection, actually the opposite is often true. He may have had a sex with lots of women but it might be you he's having the best sex with, you never know. I for one have never felt more loved in a relationship than I do now so the positions that your expected to have acquired over the years doesn't really matter so much as having a good solid connection and knowing that I'm loved.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 By the way the guy who was selfish a bad in bed complained I was too inexperienced, didn't know enough positions and that's why I was crap in bed. I thought the guy was terrible in bed, was rough and I felt used. My current boyfriend praises me for my technique and intense passion! Goes to show love is the most effective ingredient to making sex more than just sex. Your ex might have had sex with countless amount of women but they have all become null and void once he's met you 1
Author ladeda910 Posted December 22, 2016 Author Posted December 22, 2016 Thanks guys I'm starting to feel better from reading some of your responses. To answer your questions: Gaeta - I don't wish to experience swinging but the selfish part of me wants to share the best and special experiences with him... and only me. And I get envious when I think that some other girl was able to give him something more than I can. But maybe you're right and it really wasn't that special. Daisy - Sometimes I am insecure that my sexual experience is lacking. He says we have great sex and he is happy with it. He's always said he thinks I am good in bed and we have sexual chemistry. But in my own mind I think of those other women out there he could've been with who could've been kinkier and maybe more exciting than me...
Gaeta Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 To answer your questions: Gaeta - I don't wish to experience swinging but the selfish part of me wants to share the best and special experiences with him... and only me. And I get envious when I think that some other girl was able to give him something more than I can. But maybe you're right and it really wasn't that special. There is nothing special in a BF telling his GF he wants to go hump other women and it's ok for her to get the 'drill' from another man. A man does not love a woman more (or respect her more) because she is sexually opened and experienced. You know what they say: Men like to date 'slvts' but they don't marry them.
central Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 Thanks guys I'm starting to feel better from reading some of your responses. To answer your questions: Gaeta - ... But maybe you're right and it really wasn't that special. Daisy - ... But in my own mind I think of those other women out there he could've been with who could've been kinkier and maybe more exciting than me... My wife and I were swingers for years, so I speak from experience. Believe me, there isn't anything that special about it. A few were kinkier, but that's not necessarily good, unless you like that kink or want to try it. The excitement - when it happens - comes primarily from having a new partner. You can get that same thing if you're single and dating and have sex with someone new. After a while, new partners can get boring - there is very little new to experience. What does matter, and what lasts in keeping the excitement, is love. You can't get that with a series of different partners; you can only get that with someone you care about for the long term. That's why I don't think you have anything to worry about: he's had enough experience to know when he has a good thing, and that's you. In my experience, aside from the newness of a new partner, few are really that good or different. You probably are better, since you've been together and learn what each likes, and you have time to experiment and explore. Probably the biggest difference from one person to the next is different personality, which changes the experience a little. However, since the vast majority are people you don't want to see more than once or a few times, they never get to develop anything deeper or meaningful. Basically, swinging is just a little fun through sexual variety. Some people prefer golf. 2
CobraX Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 To answer your questions: Gaeta - I don't wish to experience swinging but the selfish part of me wants to share the best and special experiences with him... and only me. And I get envious when I think that some other girl was able to give him something more than I can. But maybe you're right and it really wasn't that special. Daisy - Sometimes I am insecure that my sexual experience is lacking. He says we have great sex and he is happy with it. He's always said he thinks I am good in bed and we have sexual chemistry. But in my own mind I think of those other women out there he could've been with who could've been kinkier and maybe more exciting than me... I would not be able to handle that kind of information either. I'm not sure I could be in a relationship with former swingers. It would just give me a gross feeling about my partner. I should also add that most guys feel a woman's sexual inexperience is a positive thing... not a negative. Kinky is not always good.
elaine567 Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 Now that you are in love with him he has become your Prince Charming, but Prince Charming never went swinging, did he?
Miss Peach Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 I have met and even gone on dates with quite a few people in swinging circles though I have yet to do it myself. For me it wouldn't bother me being part of his past as long as I knew he was really devoted to me now and knew to what extent he was missing that lifestyle. FWIW, most men I've talked to actually leave the lifestyle and move either back into monogamous relationships or move into poly where I live. Swinging is very heavily controlled by the women and a lot of men get tired of being involved in that fashion. So I could see how he could grow tired of it and not want to experience it again. As for the sex, IME on dates, these men don't see to know what they are doing any more than non-swinging guys. Just because they have experience doesn't mean their technique or bag of tricks is good. I tend to find many of them more open minded in terms of what they will try. Many also have some voyeur or nudist desires. But I doubt it's great to many of the women other than variety and novelty.
Poutrew Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 OP, don't listen to the people who are trying to make your repulsion of his past your problem. It isn't. We all have our deal breakers, and if his past is something you can't get over, then it is what it is. You have done nothing to be pilloried for. I certainly don't blame you - you know, swinging can also involve more than 3 people in a bed as well as just wife / girlfriend swapping. So was your BF also making out with other men as well? I will walk away form a bisexual woman, and have done so in the past... I just don't want to take a chance on wrecking my future if I pick wrong. As I see it, you have some thinking to do, and some further questions to ask of your boyfriend - and he'd better be honest with his answers. I guess what I am trying to say is don't throw away your future. Good luck. 1
Author ladeda910 Posted December 22, 2016 Author Posted December 22, 2016 Thank you guys for your helpful responses Central thank you for sharing your personal experience. It really does help. I'll probably be looking back to read this when I'm feeling insecure again. I know he loves me and considers me special. I feel like I can start letting the past be the past and work towards our future.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 (edited) I should also add that most guys feel a woman's sexual inexperience is a positive thing... not a negative. Kinky is not always good. Not necessarily, I would also like to point out that some men prefer sexually experienced and promiscuous women. Some men on loveShack.org have said that they prefer sexually experienced women to inexperienced women! I also think it's important for everyone to stay away from double standards. It seems on here people believe that OP should immediately forgive her partner for something he participated 20 years ago ( being promiscuous and swinging) but feel grateful that she didn't sleep around because men prefer it if the women they sleep with are sexually inexperienced even if they are very sexually experienced themselves. This too is an unfair assumption and a double standard. OP is just expressing how she feels at this time. We should all respect that. From my experience, however, I got shamed because by someone because he thought I was sexually inexperienced and therefore hopeless in bed, but my boyfriend praises me on how good I am in bed, and I haven't had that many sexual partners and I was single for like almost 14 years! I still feel like I have a lot to learn, but the whole fun of sex is learning. Imagine being with someone that feels like they don't want to learn anymore, that they know everything and that you don't know anything and so. Therefore, you are kinda like an afternoon snack but not the main meal. Your boyfriend despite having had sex with loads of women before you, doesn't seem that arrogant to me and there is nothing worse than sleeping with someone who is. Trust me; the sex is going to be bad before it even starts if the person you are sleeping with is arrogant. As my boyfriend has told me before, love and sex go hand in hand. Anything outside of that is just a recreational sport and nothing to be proud about. Notches on the belt? Plu-eze! They are just a means for making sure your pants stay on, it doesn't mean your great at sex. People just boast about the number of people they have slept with to show off to other people, but they are just grateful that those women that they have slept with, aren't lining up to tell their buddies how they didn't know where the clitoris is or how they lasted 2.5 seconds and how they couldn't make them orgasm, or that despite what they tell others, really their appendage is about the same size as lighter. I just believe that it's love that makes sex good- not the number ( and not necessarily the size either). And if a guy shames you for not being sexually experienced in bed yet he's treating you like trash while he's sleeping with you, I would say that HE is more likely to be the hopeless one in not knowing what he's doing, how to perform or what to do and not being very respectful or giving despite the " oh so experience" he's had. What ever happened to quality over quantity? Sounds like your boyfriend loves you and cherrishes you. I'd be over the moon with that. True love ( in my experience) is really really hard to find. Edited December 22, 2016 by Daisy-oliviaWentcher 1
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