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Recently moved-in together and BF wants to spend Christmas without me

SunnyWeather

By SunnyWeather
in General Relationship Discussion

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amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

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Well.....They live together they're not just dating. In my culture once you live with someone you are part of their family and it's automatic you spend holidays, birthdays and family events together. OP is Italian, I am French, maybe that is why we both feel the same way about this.

 

Okay but if they both have families it should be discussed where they're spending "their" holiday, no?

 

Or do women just do what the man wants?

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SunnyWeather Established Member

SunnyWeather

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Sorry I missed that info.

 

Maybe his family does not approve of him dating outside his culture especially that he is an immigrant of first generation. What is his status in your country?

 

his family has been here for decades, though I guess that would technically still be first generation. He's new here, with all the proper legal documents, so he doesn't have an ulterior motive with regards to that. And, yes, in answer to another question you asked, he does work.

 

His first and now-deceased wife was Persian, all the family knew her and many attended their wedding. But, there are also many others in his family who are married to people outside of their culture- Europeans and South Americans. It's not unheard of at all as they've been here for so long.

teamo Member

teamo

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Here's something else I didn't mention. On Thanksgiving day my BF called his aunt to get details about going to her home. When he told her he was bringing me she started this hewing and hawing about "oh, she doesn't know anyone, it would be awkward", yack yack squack to the point he could not get in a word edgewise in the 2 minute conversation. In essence, she was telling him NO, you can't bring your girlfriend.

 

My BF was really mad, never seen him like that before, and he told his cousin (her son) that he wasn't going if I'm not invited. I was so proud of him, felt so supported, but also really annoyed about the whole situation, and mortified that I was causing drama without ever having even met these people yet.

 

My BF's brother and SIL also joined in and said they weren't coming either because of her inconsiderate behavior. So drama ensued (jeez can't we all just get along? I hate these tedious petty games, maybe that's why I always travel far away for the holidays, lol) and the aunt calls my BF and steps back trying to recover from her faux pas (after learning how long he and I have been together, as though that makes it acceptable now) and off we go to the event.

 

She was gracious to me, apologetic as would be expected, the typical forced social displays of playing the part of the perfect hostess, but it was a bit awkward at first. I was even subjected to the obligatory 3rd degree of questioning during dinner asking (interrogating?) me about what I do for a living, family background etc. I played my part fastidiously. Truth is, I'm well schooled in this behavior after having been married for years to a high-brow Italian family.

 

I thought things went well especially when I knew the secret ingredients to her desert :rolleyes:. I've taken a liking to Persian cooking, which if you know anything about it, is really complicated and unique.

 

Perhaps not. These old-schooled cultures have so many layers of proper conduct, and not all of it is genuine.

 

I think now after writing all of this out that it is even more of a blow after having already been to this family's house and not going for Christmas. Maybe I was specifically NOT invited :eek:

I think it's this, the older members of his family are culturally traditional, might be expecting him to marry Persian. Was his first wife Persian? Does his family actually know you live together?

Still his family issues are not an excuse for his inconsiderate treatment of you. Do you want the same things relationship wise long term?

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SunnyWeather Established Member

SunnyWeather

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It's a shame that you two didn't discuss holiday plans a while back but I'm not seeing how this is all his fault.

 

You could have asked him about it rather than just assume you'd just go and do whatever he wanted to do or is that the general tone in your relationship?

 

Something seems really off that you two didn't discuss plans prior to now.

 

I know, we both kinda just put things off. We threw around the idea of going somewhere, but plans just fizzled out. And then the phone call came on Sunday and he just ups and tells me this is what's happening. I was wrong to assume we'd be going together.

 

I'm not good with the holidays, I guess, but never thought I'd be on my own this year since I live with my partner.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Did he date since his wife died? If yes how did that go? You should ask him.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Okay but if they both have families it should be discussed where they're spending "their" holiday, no?

 

Or do women just do what the man wants?

 

In my home BF does as I want ;-)

 

I started talking holidays plan like 2 months ago but that's because Xmas is huge in my family, my parents travel 13 hours to be with us and it's a 2 week of non stop family events. Yes I had to warn the BF.

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SunnyWeather Established Member

SunnyWeather

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I think you have much bigger problems than just spending Xmas without him and here is why.

 

 

 

 

 

First, you 2 are not new to life so why did you move in together so fast? You are both adults with a past so you know it takes more than 9 months to get to know someone. Your difficulties to adapt to living together shows just that.

 

People that are very traditional DO bring their GF along to ANY family event. The fact it was a big deal for him to introduce you to his 'extended' family after 9 months together is bad news.

 

I have a feeling he doesn't want to bring you over to family at Xmas because his close family (parents and siblings) and that means your relationships is pretty serious. Are you sure his immediate family even know you've moved in together?

 

Why weren't you introduce to family before 9 months?

 

Are you and him of the same culture?

 

It almost feels like you think you're in a serious relationship but he's not. It actually comes across as he is using you for what ever reason. Does he work? Again why did you move in to fast?

 

I met his brother, sister in law, and sister about 4 months into the relationship. Yes, they all know we live together, we've talked about it with them at other social times.

 

In some ways, I do get the feeling that I'm taking this relationship more seriously than he is, and the recent events solidify this feeling.

 

We moved in together because we wanted to live together, we were always spending time at each others and it just made life easier. Adjusting is taking some time, which is not entirely unexpected, but for the most part it's been great, but only a month in.

 

In Persian culture, it is NOT normal to introduce a partner to the family, and extended family (which is very large) unless it is serious, like going-to-get- married serious, and that of course, is a generality, but something my BF told me he has NEVER done before until me.

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SunnyWeather Established Member

SunnyWeather

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Did he date since his wife died? If yes how did that go? You should ask him.

 

yes, it's been over 4 years since he was widowed. He's had flings, dated both here and abroad. When we met, it quickly escalated. We fell in love :love:

 

edit to add: it was a soul crunching experience for him, especially the first 2 years. I'm the first he's opened up to since, but he still had 'friends' and dated.

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amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

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yes, it's been over 4 years since he was widowed. He's had flings, dated both here and abroad. When we met, it quickly escalated. We fell in love :love:

 

Then he should bring you for Christmas if he knows you have no other plans.

 

To not bring you would be pretty horrible of him.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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In Persian culture, it is NOT normal to introduce a partner to the family, and extended family (which is very large) unless it is serious, like going-to-get- married serious, and that of course, is a generality, but something my BF told me he has NEVER done before until me.

 

Maybe that's just it. His parents are here first generation and we know they keep very faithful to tradition. The second generation usually will slack on the tradition and the 3rd generation is completely assimilated.

 

If I were you I'd have a conversation with him and ask him what you should expect in terms of being introduced and respected by his family. About Easter? Will you be invited to join in? About birthdays?

 

This man has lived in many Western countries you said, he can't use the excuse of cultural differences all the time.

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SunnyWeather Established Member

SunnyWeather

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I think it's this, the older members of his family are culturally traditional, might be expecting him to marry Persian. Was his first wife Persian? Does his family actually know you live together?

Still his family issues are not an excuse for his inconsiderate treatment of you. Do you want the same things relationship wise long term?

 

I think that is a discussion we need to have now. We kind of just were doing things one step at a time. Moving in together was a next step.

 

yes his family knows we live together.

 

thanks for the support and validation

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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To not bring you would be pretty horrible of him.

 

I agree with that.

 

Leaving a gf of 9 months alone for xmas is the most anti-xmas and anti-christian you can be. It's NOT living in the spirit of Xmas.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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I think that is a discussion we need to have now. We kind of just were doing things one step at a time. Moving in together was a next step.

 

Who moved in with whom?

 

Usually people have the 'are we serious' discussion before moving together. It's like you moved in together without any talk of what this is.

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SunnyWeather Established Member

SunnyWeather

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Maybe that's just it. His parents are here first generation and we know they keep very faithful to tradition. The second generation usually will slack on the tradition and the 3rd generation is completely assimilated.

 

If I were you I'd have a conversation with him and ask him what you should expect in terms of being introduced and respected by his family. About Easter? Will you be invited to join in? About birthdays?

 

This man has lived in many Western countries you said, he can't use the excuse of cultural differences all the time.

 

thank you for reminding me of this. the last country he lived in they most definitely celebrate Christmas, so he knows the deal with it.

 

I had a conversation back in August when I started to see a pattern how he would go to family events for holidays and I was not invited and he had zero communication for the entire day. In the beginning I did understand, we weren't sure where the relationship was going, but when it got serious I sat him down and explained that I was NOT going to spend holidays alone, as though I were the proverbial 'other woman'.

 

I was completely serious and willing to leave him then and there if he didn't understand precisely what I was telling him. When Thanksgiving rolled round he stepped up and made sure I was with him.

 

Then this happens. Forget Easter, I'm wondering if I should expect to spend New Years alone too :(

 

and I wonder about their special holidays, I guess those are reserved for only Persians and married couples :mad:

amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

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I agree with that.

 

Leaving a gf of 9 months alone for xmas is the most anti-xmas and anti-christian you can be. It's NOT living in the spirit of Xmas.

 

Exactly. Especially since she says he hasn't seen some family members that she met on Thanksgiving in four years.

 

He should value her a lot more than he's currently doing if he enjoys the title of being called her boyfriend.

 

And yes....it's Christmas. He should act like it is.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Is he religious? What religion is he? I don't know many Christian persians. Actually I didn't think it existed.

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SunnyWeather Established Member

SunnyWeather

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Who moved in with whom?

 

Usually people have the 'are we serious' discussion before moving together. It's like you moved in together without any talk of what this is.

 

he moved in with me. we had the 'are we serious' discussion a few months into the relationship. marriage just isn't something either of us has brought up, and not necessarily something we want to do

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SunnyWeather Established Member

SunnyWeather

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Is he religious? What religion is he? I don't know many Christian persians. Actually I didn't think it existed.

 

actually, there are, but he is not religious nor is his family. we both like ancient Persian poetry though :)

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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he moved in with me. we had the 'are we serious' discussion a few months into the relationship. marriage just isn't something either of us has brought up, and not necessarily something we want to do

 

You don't need to be married to be respected and taken seriously by him and his family. There are thousands of common-law couples out there respected as if they were spouses.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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He dug in further and said that he should be able to do things on his own when he wants to, and he's going to his extended family's event without me. Period.

 

This you should be wary about. This is not the reaction of a loving BF. This is the answer of a dominant man who has nothing to do with your feelings. Persian men are known for sweeping you off of your feet then keeping you pregnant and bare-feet at home. Looks like he' training you already to that role.

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SunnyWeather Established Member

SunnyWeather

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You don't need to be married to be respected and taken seriously by him and his family. There are thousands of common-law couples out there respected as if they were spouses.

 

absolutely.

 

I'm still floored by the recent turn of events, especially since just last weekend was spent at an event with his siblings. His cousin hung out with us afterwards, it was a very nice day and night.

 

I don't think I will be able to stay with him if he leaves me alone on Christmas eve. There's just no way I can put my head around that.

dumbass2 Established Member

dumbass2

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absolutely.

 

I'm still floored by the recent turn of events, especially since just last weekend was spent at an event with his siblings. His cousin hung out with us afterwards, it was a very nice day and night.

 

I don't think I will be able to stay with him if he leaves me alone on Christmas eve. There's just no way I can put my head around that.

 

I would agree with you. That would be a deal breaker for me after being together 9 months and living together. That's one of the special times of the year for 2 people in love to spend with each and with family if they are in the picture.

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SunnyWeather Established Member

SunnyWeather

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He dug in further and said that he should be able to do things on his own when he wants to, and he's going to his extended family's event without me. Period.

 

This you should be wary about. This is not the reaction of a loving BF. This is the answer of a dominant man who has nothing to do with your feelings. Persian men are known for sweeping you off of your feet then keeping you pregnant and bare-feet at home. Looks like he' training you already to that role.

 

not sure I agree with the "pregnant and bare-feet at home", that's more of a religiously conservative perspective, which he's def not, but they do have pretty set ways in how they believe they rule the roost, something not too far off from many European and Latin American cultures. When he's behaved similarly in the past, I've called him out on it and made clear I'm not one to put up with that, and he adjusted accordingly.

 

Thing is, living together changes everything. Before, I just said ciao, and left for the sweet confines of my own place. He got the message and apologized. Now the power differential has changed because we live together and can't just run to our respective apartments.

 

These types of scenarios only happened one or two other times before, btw

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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not sure I agree with the "pregnant and bare-feet at home",

 

It's an expression we use in my language to define a man who wants to boss. Nothing religious.

 

My BF and I have been together 1 year. We spend all of our time together since month 6. We practically live together he is at my home each day and goes to his apartment once a month to pay his rent. We agreed he would keep his apartment for another year while we 'test' living together. I can't tell you how much it takes so much pressure off of us. We are together each day because WE want to be together not because we 'have to'. We adjusted to living together very smoothly.

 

Each nigh my BF could drive 4km to go to his bed but instead he drives 30km to sleep next to me. It's like every day he picks me and it's a wonderful feeling.

 

I think you and your BF should go back living in your own apartment if this relationship means something to you. All this you are going through with his family and Xmas you should go through it as a GF, not as a live-in life partner. Your relationships has skipped important steps and now dating phases and living-together phases are hitting you all at the same time.

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

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I'm sorry, but like my fav podcaster, this thread shows that "moving in" (aka "shaking up") does not grant a person "status"...

 

You become "official" when a man puts a ring on your finger. Shacking-up just means that it's more convenient to date you (rather than have to drive to your place to spend time with you).

 

Sorry...

 

Oh, and although your bf may come from a conservative background - a man is only gonna treat a woman as she presents herself. So, the day he meets another conservative woman - who puts more expectations on him to propose to her before she even spends a night at his place, he might end his thing with you.

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