Question to "No Contact" people

[Miss Spider]

Just out of curiosity, since the breakup, how many people have you went on dates/hooked up with? I get the feeling a lot of No Contact people don't try to get to know or sleep another person during this time because of they are hurt or think others won't compare. Seems like if you don't have a new person, all the romantic thoughts would go to the ex, and prolong the healing process. I'm not talking about jumping into a new relationship, but having fun and putting your feet back in the water. I think once you've dated or begun sleeping with others, you'd forget about your ex quicker. Isolating yourself romantically and sexually like No Contacters seem to do makes it no wonder you have trouble moving on

[krich1187]

A lot of times I think people try to use dates/hooking up as a means to get over someone, and assume that will be the heal all. You can have whoever you want, but if you were in love, a good lay won't change that alone.

 

My thoughts are this...I am currently in a break up and it's only been a few days. Perhaps her mind changes in a week or a few weeks, perhaps it doesn't. I am not in the position to date anyone right now because I am still trying to process what I have just gone through. Let's say I do on a date with a great girl in this state. Is that fair to her? No. I am not my best self right now.

 

There are different lines of thinking. Sure use it as part of the process to get over your ex, but don't let it be the only means.

[VeveCakes]

Personally, I have dated and slept with a few guys since the break up. I love sex so it was kind of a must, but it hasn't made it any easier. If anything harder to be reminded of how much I still feel for my ex.

[krich1187]

Personally, I have dated and slept with a few guys since the break up. I love sex so it was kind of a must, but it hasn't made it any easier. If anything harder to be reminded of how much I still feel for my ex.

 

My point to an extent. Though I will say, most men can separate sex from emotion I think. I know many friends and myself personally are able to do that. It totally depends on who you are. If you can't have emotionless sex, don't have it until you are ready.

[VeveCakes]

for sure! The sex is fine for me...I can separate it if I know thats all it is. It is when lies are told like they want more that I get upset. I always try to get the intentions up front.

 

Sleeping with other people just makes me miss him more though. I am still so deeply in love with him...

 

that being said, I still am having sex, cause I need it lol

[krich1187]

Happy for you. For me it's just a physical act unless I'm in love, but for now, gotta put it on the shelf while I get my groove back!

[DarrenB]

I don't feel the need to 'go and get me some' on a bluesy night, influenced by a high sex drive, or friends or alcohol, or go on 5 dates a week in order to feel less lonely. What's really keeping me at bay from even escalating anywhere near that is that maybe she's keeping herself to herself like she said she would, and remain focus, so I can do the same. I know that ship has already sailed multiple times after our breakup so I don't really know who I'm trying to fool...

 

It's a real myth that going on dates, having sex with other people who aren't your ex would make you forget about them. In quite a lot of cases, it's in fact the opposite. I think it's more so once you've built yourself a foundation and fulfillment that you feel and realise you're able to get out there, find someone new and even find short or long-term happiness. For me, that's when you begin to realise that No Contact has worked.

 

Yeah. That's my way of putting it.

[DeepVibeZ]

Nope. I'm steering well clear of women for a while, don't need an ego boost, and am happy being alone after being suffocated for the past 4 years.

 

Naturally all of the above is liable to change in an instant.

[basil67]

I think it's terribly unfair to use another person as a distraction.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I think it's terribly unfair to use another person as a distraction.

 

As long as they know they are the distraction, what's the problem?

[BlkVelvet]

for sure! The sex is fine for me...I can separate it if I know thats all it is. It is when lies are told like they want more that I get upset. I always try to get the intentions up front.

 

Sleeping with other people just makes me miss him more though. I am still so deeply in love with him...

 

that being said, I still am having sex, cause I need it lol

 

Besides the sex part, you sound like me. I would love to email with you. Im just so confused. Anyway.. .I broke NC. DUN DUN DUN!

[whatdeww18]

Well, it depends on how you get over an ex. And I think for most people, getting under the sheets with someone after an ex, doesn't really do much except for getting sex out of their minds. You have to deal with the break up and that means understanding where the problems were, forgiving yourself and your partner for the mistakes. You essentially have to think about your ex for a bit while you do this part.

 

But after this, you focus on yourself. You find what makes you happy, find your interests again, and go out on dates, simple and nothing serious, to see what you like and dislike in a partner for future serious relationships. The point is for this time to focus on you, yourself, and ONLY YOUUUUU!

 

This is why with time, NC gets easier. You can slowly stop thinking so much about your ex, wondering whether they think about you, miss you, etc. It still comes in fleeting thoughts but you're doing what makes you happy and enjoy the single life for a while. Eventually, you get to a point where you hold fond memories of your ex and are happy with your life that you can consider dating someone seriously.

 

But in the mean time, the darn ex is always on your mind and sometimes you have to get some mantra that you repeat when the ex gets on your mind. Some popular ones I have seen are: I really like this one, "So they wanted to walk out of your life... LET EM F'ING GO." "It really doesn't matter anymore, they're gone." "Just remember your relationship with yourself is the most important." There are more, but I am currently blanking.

 

No contact is all about focusing yourself and your happiness. This is why sleeping around doesn't really help much, maybe a little if it helps you forget the ex but probably not.

 

Oh and to answer the original question: Slept with: 0

Went on a casual date with: 1, expecting this number to rise to figure out what I like and dislike

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

Edited December 22, 2016 by whatdeww18

[AT15]

Personally, I have dated and slept with a few guys since the break up. I love sex so it was kind of a must, but it hasn't made it any easier. If anything harder to be reminded of how much I still feel for my ex.

 

Yes, me too Veve, after its all said and done, I miss the connection and closeness I had with my ex. The high leading up to hook up feels exciting tho. It's just afterwards it's not the same closeness. Not that it stops me from getting my needs met , but there is a fall after the high.

[umirano]

Nah right now I don't feel like dealing with strangers. For a little sex? Meh, I'm into kink, vanilla sex isn't that exciting and to get kinky I like to know my partner well. Flirting is great and gives me an ego boost.

 

To be honest being single is awesome. I don't constantly have to justify how I'm spending my free time. I'm in no hurry right now.

 

My break up is about two months old. We were together for over a year.

[Miss Spider]

Thank you. What I have gathered so far from the responses:

 

For some women doing NC, sleeping with others doesn't help them forget the men and makes them feel worse,

 

For some men doing NC, finding a new sex partner doesn't appeal to them

 

Are there any men here who have tried sleeping with others in addition to NC and felt worse/missed their ex more?

Edited December 22, 2016 by Cookiesandough

[whatdeww18]

Thank you. What I have gathered so far from the responses:

 

For some women doing NC, sleeping with others doesn't help them forget the men and makes them feel worse,

 

For some men doing NC, finding a new sex partner doesn't appeal to them

 

Are there any men here who have tried sleeping with others in addition to NC and felt worse/missed their ex more?

 

Just to be careful, some generalizations are harder to make and can offend, so try not to make too big of an overarching assumption of each gender.

However, the general consensus of the act of sex and gender is:

Women are more likely to tie the act of sex with intimacy while men are able to differentiate the animalistic want for sex and its ties to intimacy. Of course, there are exceptions and this is again, another generalization of genders that isn't always true.

 

I forget where I found an article but it said women were more likely to take a shorter time to jump into another relationship after a break up. Men were more likely to have flings. In the end, the time for healing did not really fluctuate in that it usually takes 3-6 months to consider a real relationship, and anywhere from 1/10th - 1/2 of the relationship time to get over their ex. Considering these are long term relationships.

 

In essence, everyone deals with a break up differently. If you are trying to conduct a study, good luck on genders haha. There are just way too many variables to figure this out.

 

Good luck

-WhatDEWWWWW

[Jimmyjackson]

I'm a month out of a three month short term thing, sounds pathetic but I'm still hung up on her. I've had the chance to hook up with girls since but I've avoided it because I know it would just make me feel worse. Just my personal opinion.

[Pugwash]

I'm pushing 6 days of no contact with my ex fiance!

 

She got in a new relationship just 2 weeks ago after only being single for 3 weeks prior to that which we had minimal contact.

 

I deleted her off all social media accounts because when we broke up first, she was stalking my snapchat and twitter accounts.

 

I haven't even been bothered to look at her facebook accounts or whatever, I see her as slightly pathetic for being in a new relationship already so whats the point in contacting her?

 

I hope to have the last laugh the next time I see her with a big broad smile on my face

[SevenCity]

I'm in the minority here in that I advocate men to get new women as soon as possible after a breakup.

 

I have several reasons for this:

 

- The first girl you meet will not be the next great love of your life. Probably not the next few. Better to make your mistakes on them and be ready when she does come along.

 

- Going out on dates gives you something to focus on rather than your ex. It's much better to have chicks blowing up your phone than to sit at home alone with nothing but misery as your company.

 

- As a man, you need to prove to yourself you are capable of having other women fall for you. This is difficult when you've been dumped and feel like no woman will ever love you again.

 

- Having sex with a new girl is a symbolic milestone in moving on with your life.

 

- In the event she does come back, your dating will have given you the opportunity to practice your new skills and be ready for her. Also, having options will allow you to be more objective. If your ex comes back after 6 months and you've had no women in that time chances are you'll take her back in a second.

 

Personally I've dated about 5 - 6 women in the 3 months since my ex dumped me after 7 years. I've slept with 2 (still seeing the 2nd...for now).

 

I agree that after it's said and done you tend to feel a little worse - but that's because I haven't found the right woman yet. I can see my dating skills have improved dramatically since I started which will help me with the next woman and the one after her. You also learn what you do and do not like in women and can be much more objective when deciding if you want a LTR with one of them.

 

Many here say you have to get over your ex before you start dating. This could take years for me and I'm not willing to wait that long. If a girl is that special, she will make me happy I'm no longer with my ex. Until then, I'm plowing through the chaff.

[major_merrick]

While some may advocate waiting a while, when I've had a breakup, I try to have sex ASAP. Next day, if possible. Distraction seems to make most things better for me. After my last significant relationship ended, I distracted myself for several months with a lot of new girls. It sort of helped me move on and not feel like I was missing something. When I found my GF#1, I wasn't sexually deprived and was able to make a rational choice to pursue her, rather than acting out of desperation.

[Miss Spider]

I'm in the minority here in that I advocate men to get new women as soon as possible after a breakup.

 

I have several reasons for this:

 

- The first girl you meet will not be the next great love of your life. Probably not the next few. Better to make your mistakes on them and be ready when she does come along.

 

- Going out on dates gives you something to focus on rather than your ex. It's much better to have chicks blowing up your phone than to sit at home alone with nothing but misery as your company.

 

- As a man, you need to prove to yourself you are capable of having other women fall for you. This is difficult when you've been dumped and feel like no woman will ever love you again.

 

- Having sex with a new girl is a symbolic milestone in moving on with your life.

 

- In the event she does come back, your dating will have given you the opportunity to practice your new skills and be ready for her. Also, having options will allow you to be more objective. If your ex comes back after 6 months and you've had no women in that time chances are you'll take her back in a second.

 

Personally I've dated about 5 - 6 women in the 3 months since my ex dumped me after 7 years. I've slept with 2 (still seeing the 2nd...for now).

 

I agree that after it's said and done you tend to feel a little worse - but that's because I haven't found the right woman yet. I can see my dating skills have improved dramatically since I started which will help me with the next woman and the one after her. You also learn what you do and do not like in women and can be much more objective when deciding if you want a LTR with one of them.

 

Many here say you have to get over your ex before you start dating. This could take years for me and I'm not willing to wait that long. If a girl is that special, she will make me happy I'm no longer with my ex. Until then, I'm plowing through the chaff.

 

Oh so you did feel worse as a man acting promiscuous and getting with women to take your mind off of your ex. That's interesting. I can see how it could be that way. I guess my idea was dumb. It is a temporary distraction, but no solution because quality of ex and what people share with them is hard to find again that's why they miss them. Sex is easy to many anyway. I know some people recommend GFToW/M and it just makes them feel more empty inside and how it doesn't compare to what they had. I heard one guy on another site did this for a month with different girls. It didn't work and he caught hsv-2 even though he said he used condoms :S making rash decisions like sleeping with anyone just to fill that emptiness might cause people to put their sexual and emotional health at jeopardy. Plus it can weigh on you in the chance of reconciliation. I've never had a breakup where I really missed my ex for longer than a few weeks. So I was just wondering about it and my theory was wrong. Good luck to you all and hope you're find peace however you can.

Edited December 23, 2016 by Cookiesandough

[niji]

I heard one guy on another site did this for a month with different girls. It didn't work and he caught hsv-2 even though he said he used condoms :S

 

Correct.

 

On the wiki page for "STDs in the porn industry", they cite someone saying 99% of people in the porn industry has herpes, but I can't find a study for it so I'm not gonna cite it

 

That's why when people say there's no risk to having sex with a great number of partners as long as one uses condoms, I just look like this There is ALWAYS a risk (to anything in life really); it's up to you to decide whether the rewards (or benefits) are worth it. Life is all about benefit vs risk. Every time you have sex, you risk getting STDs. Every time you have sex, a woman risks being pregnant. Using effective protection/contraception greatly reduces the risk, but it's still there, just reduced to <0.1% - assuming PERFECT use.

 

Sorry for the off-topic discussion, but I do think before sleeping with as many people as possible, one should consider the risk and whether the rewards are worth it. Most likely with protection you'll be OK, because probability. But if you're the 1 out of 10,000 people to acquire something, also be prepared, because probability.

Edited December 23, 2016 by niji

[Miss Spider]

Probabilities are a little higher when you factor in other things. Sounds like the guy was in a really dark place in his life, drinking heavily. who knows. But I read recently that condoms don't protect men against herpes 2 as they do for women because condoms don't cover the common sites that the virus "from" but come in contact with during intercourse. Stay safe, people:(

 

https://www.guttmacher.org/journals/ipsrh/2001/12/condoms-reduce-womens-risk-herpes-infection-do-not-protect-men

[fromheart]

Just out of curiosity, since the breakup, how many people have you went on dates/hooked up with? I get the feeling a lot of No Contact people don't try to get to know or sleep another person during this time because of they are hurt or think others won't compare. Seems like if you don't have a new person, all the romantic thoughts would go to the ex, and prolong the healing process. I'm not talking about jumping into a new relationship, but having fun and putting your feet back in the water. I think once you've dated or begun sleeping with others, you'd forget about your ex quicker. Isolating yourself romantically and sexually like No Contacters seem to do makes it no wonder you have trouble moving on

 

If seeing other people is part of the healing process, part of looking after yourself and moving on, then it should be done.

 

If taking time out from seeing people to heal is the best way to move on, then it should be done.

 

If there's any doubt as to what is the best path to take, its best to be alone rather than risk hurting other people.

[HorseLuck]

I've never been one to feel as if I can separate an emotional tie from sex. I think I would end up feeling a bit used and crummy. Sex also isn't a priority atm. But who knows, maybe I'll end up feeling differently in due time. Wish I did have that ability though, lol.