Married man & growing friendship w/ married woman

[touchinthedark]

I recently reconnected with a woman I know going back 15+ years. We never had a romantic relationship back then. We weren't even close friends, but I tend to think there was a connection we both noticed even if it was a platonic one.

 

We're both married and I don't think either of us want to change that, but the connection is still very evident (at least to me) and honestly its one I just don't have with my wife. I don't believe this has anything to do with sex or an affair. I just really enjoy being around her and want her to be part of my life.

 

I know the real solution here is reestablishing a connection with my wife and asking myself why I feel this way, but I'm hoping you will indulge me in taking this in a different direction.

 

I can't tell if she also wants to be better friends or if she's just being nice. She 'likes' just about everything I ever post on Facebook. When we text (always for a reason, not just to chat), I try to keep it short because I don't want to come off flirty, but she tends to keep the conversation going briefly longer than it needs to be (always benign, nothing flirty).

 

She is definitely a good, moral person, so I know if she does want to pursue a closer friendship she'd probably hold back being weary of doing anything I may find inappropriate (which may be why she doesn't interact with me more already). But if she does want to be closer I could use a friend like her in my life.

 

It seems there's no way I can approach this with her without coming off as either inappropriate or very weird (if she's just being nice and this is all in my head).

[SJS]

Does your wife know about her?

[touchinthedark]

Yea. She knows we're friends. We've hung out w/ her and her husband and our kids. I like her husband too but just have a lot more of a connection with her. Unfortunately my wife is mostly ambivalent to both of them.

 

I don't think my wife would readily bless me becoming close friends with this woman but to be honest I'm not very concerned with that right now. I need people like this in my life, even if it means my wife doesn't know the full details of all of our interactions. I understand how that sounds, but as long as there's nothing inappropriate going on I know friendships like this will make me a better, happier person at home.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm hoping you will indulge me in taking this in a different direction.

 

You're asking the wrong audience for latitude on this. Ask your wife, the two of you can work together to determine appropriate boundaries. Communication - what a concept!

 

I don't think my wife would readily bless me becoming close friends with this woman but to be honest I'm not very concerned with that right now. I need people like this in my life, even if it means my wife doesn't know the full details of all of our interactions. I understand how that sounds, but as long as there's nothing inappropriate going on I know friendships like this will make me a better, happier person at home.

 

That's not how successful relationships work. You don't get to decide in secret what's best for both of you and then pass that off as a benefit to your wife and home life. You're looking for this woman to replace and/or supply a connection missing from your marriage. Slippery slope and a dangerous concept.

 

My vote is "no"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[samantha_t85]

I feel bad for your wife. If I were her, I'd be very hurt by what you've written here. Her feelings don't sound like they rank very high on your priority list.

[BluesPower]

You ask her...

 

Yes, you are asking the wrong audience. But yes she is in to you.

 

If she wants to have an affair or not time will tell.

 

Since you are not completely stupid, I am going to say, do not do it.

 

Not like I have a lot of room to say that, but I am saying it anyway.

 

You are a beginner, you really don't know what you are asking, and you will get caught.

 

But yeah, take a shot.

[BaileyB]

 

I don't think my wife would readily bless me becoming close friends with this woman but to be honest I'm not very concerned with that right now. I need people like this in my life, even if it means my wife doesn't know the full details of all of our interactions. I understand how that sounds, but as long as there's nothing inappropriate going on I know friendships like this will make me a better, happier person at home.

 

This, is a problem. And this, is a very dangerous and slippery slope...

[carhill]

If you share common interests, an essential element of any friendship, go out as couples. My parents often went out with female co-workers of my dad and their spouses, sometimes even dragging me along, generally when they went bowling.

 

If there are no common interests and no desire to include spouses or be friends of the marriages, then it's simply a sexual flirtation and accept it as such and proceed how you choose.

[pteromom]

Integrity is doing the right thing when nobody is watching.

 

Your wife doesn't know about your feelings for this woman. But you do - and you have a responsibility to protect your marriage.

 

Right now - NOW - when your feelings are growing just a little more than they should be - THAT is the time to pull away and stop. Not later when it's too late and oops now you are in an affair.

 

You need to cut it off now. This connection leads to only bad things.

[Bufo]

Have you asked yourself if this friendship is like others you may have with shared interests, history, professions and the like? If not, or you can't really specify with accuracy why this friendship exists, you have just taken the first few steps on he slippery slope leading to an affair--emotional, physical,or both.

 

Does your wife have access to these messages? Would you feel less than happy if she were to read them or join in the chat? What about her husband doing the same?

 

Don't rationalize this, either. Read OM/OW threads and see others' experiences on how affairs start.

[Satu]

Your *special* friendship will become an emotional affair, which will become a physical affair, which will become a big pile of wreckage.

 

 

Take care.

[ShatteredLady]

Quote - "I don't think my wife would readily bless me becoming close friends with this woman but to be honest I'm not very concerned with that right now."

 

 

This sentence says so very much!! "....I'm not very concerned with..." my wife's feelings. WHY?

 

It's this kind of conflict avoidance, this "not very concerned" with keeping secrets, sharing things with an OW (other woman) that you can't/won't share with your wife that causes the breakdown in marriages.

 

If you want to devastate & shatter your wife & destroy your marriage go ahead!

 

The best way to answer a question like this is to force EMPATHY into your heart & mind. How would you feel if your wife was "...not very concerned" about you & wanted to nurture a deeper more intimate relationship with another man?

 

It sounds like your marriage is in deep trouble & you're in denial. I'm sorry, this is a horrible idea & I think you know it.

[understand50]

touchinthedark,

 

It is a simple rule. If you can not tell your wife about the Friendship/relationship, then what you are doing is wrong. Same applies to her husband. So try this, always CC both spouses when you email, or communicate. If you can not do this, you are in the wrong.

 

I wish you luck.

[touchinthedark]

I understand where you're coming from. What I will say is at this point I care 100x more about her than she does me. My wife doesn't give a crap. As long as I keep making money so she can stay at home with our kids, she'll keep on going. Nothing I said here would be a surprise to her. It's terrible and I want to fix it, but to be honest she's the one who refuses to take a step back, look at the big picture, and get help.

 

That said, what I'm talking about here obviously isn't the answer. I really need someone to make me feel adequate and that I'm worth admiration and affection, and I know this other woman makes me feel better about myself, even if from a platonic level.

 

The more I think about this, I know this female friend of mine is way too good of a person to ever approach something that could be construed as inappropriate (even if she wanted to, which I don't think she does). My only choices here are to pursue an honest and up-front friendship with this woman and get what I can out of an appropriate relationship, or go the other route, which would almost certainly blow up, make me look like an ass, and be a bad situation for everyone.

[BluesPower]

Listen, I get where you are at. Let me just lay some stuff on you about what is fixing to happen to you.

 

First, you seem a little inexperienced to have an affair. Just saying, no offense.

 

Second, after you sleep with this woman, and can we just call her your new love, because that is what she is. So after you sleep with the new woman, your attitude will change because you are inexperienced. Probably you will just be happier and you really won't care about your wife not loving you because you are getting some good strange.

 

Third, she will notice your change in attitude and catch you and because you are a good family man, you will try and reconcile, and dump other woman. She is heart broken. You are heart broken.

 

You try to make it up to you wife who did not care about you in the first place because she was not even giving you pity sex to keep you happy. You will think that your wife actually loves you because she is so pissed that you had an affair, but what is actually happening is that she saw her meal ticket threatened.

 

Next, sex will pick up from wife for a while and when she thinks she has you properly in line, it will drop off again.

 

So now, you are forever the bad guy that had the affair, she gets to kick you in the nuts until she finds someone better than you. And eventually you still end up divorcing anyway.

 

Think I am wrong. Read up here and other places. This is what will happen.

 

Here is a better option: Divorce her now. In the long run you will be better off and you can still screw the OW if you want to or pick from a plethora of women that are going to love a single guy with a few bucks that is looking for love.

 

Does that make any sense to you?

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife doesn't give a crap. As long as I keep making money so she can stay at home with our kids, she'll keep on going. Nothing I said here would be a surprise to her. It's terrible and I want to fix it, but to be honest she's the one who refuses to take a step back, look at the big picture, and get help.

 

I'm curious why you don't put your energy into fixing this situation, either through a marriage counselor or divorce attorney? What you're doing now is guaranteed to get you the worst of both worlds...

 

Mr. Lucky