Loyalty and Respect? or INDEPENDENT

[phineas]

I don't think people are seeing this from my point of view. She is my best friend and were growing up together. Imagine being with someone for a year and a half and falling in love, then finding out through going through her Facebook messages going way back looking at the date, having being two months into our relationship still talking to her ex and they met up. but i feel like I'm in too deep and i am in love with her... Forgive but never forget right?

 

I don't have to imagine it.

I've lived it and walked away from it despite having a 1.5yr old and 6 month old.

 

FYI your "best friend" doesn't meet up with their ex two months after entering a relationship with you.

 

also, what you discovered is probably just the tip of the iceberg.

[phineas]

Actually she was clothed according to the OP and it was her girlfriends, not guys who were slapping her.

 

I think it was likely a fun girls night out, no harm, no foul and something to laugh at rather than get het up over.

 

Also, most people won't state that they think a behaviour is controlling unless it's become a common occurrence and little by little over tiny things they have noticed it happening more often.

 

they also consider it "controlling" if they are doing something they should NOT be doing in a relationship.

 

My ex-wife for instance was cheating on me with a guy she said was a "friend" she met after we married.

I knew she was sleeping with him.

I found proof.

She denied it then called me "controlling" because I told her she couldn't see him anymore if she wanted to stay married.

 

she claimed she wasn't my "property" then continued to cheat.

So I divorced her.

it sucked but it had to be done because i was no longer going to deal with a disrespectful woman living off me.

[Mystique01]

She is a senior in high school and I'm a freshman in college and just completed my first semester. id agree on the immature part. I don't know if i feel stuck in this relationship. I do love her very much and i hope I'm not being too nice. Like that other guy said to get revenge, thats not me. but maybe i need to test the waters a little bit. but i can't imagine throwing what we have away and starting from scratch. Maybe i should have left months ago. Am i in too deep?

 

Well, it's clear that you do love her. Now whether you're in too deep is probably up to you to answer.

 

All I know is that people sometimes do silly/stupid stuff. But MY main issue with this scenario is that she didn't seem to even acknowledge your feelings or see where you're coming from. It's almost as if she said: "oh well! deal with it." Is this sort of how she came across?? Or are you not mentioning everything she said after you approached her on this subject?

 

I personally know that for me, I personally wouldn't be doing anything on social media that I would deem "questionable" from my bf's pov. It's just not respectful when you're in a committed relationship (sorry).

 

But even if (even IF!) I did do something questionable, if my bf brought it to my attention, I would try to see things from his pov and try to rectify the situation.

 

But it seems as though your gf isn't doing that. This is where I think maturity comes into play.

 

When you're young you mainly think of yourself and how your actions feel to YOU. When you get a little older you start thinking of others as well. Some things may not necessarily be all that "unlawful", but it may also not be all that wise or appropriate from a relationship point of view. In fact, it may actually be detrimental to a relationship.

 

Case in point... A husband always works long hours at the office with his attractive young secretary. TECHNICALLY, there is nothing wrong with that since nothing is going on between the two of them. But if your wife is waiting at home with the kids and barely gets to see you, it could start putting a strain on the relationship. She could start to get jealous and feel that the secretary sees you more hours in the day than she does. Ykwim?

 

This is what is bugging me the most. Your gf doesn't seem to even acknowledge your feelings on the matter and how her actions could be deemed inappropriate.

 

 

I usually don't say this, but I'm actually agreeing with some of the other posters here. I say break up (or take a break) with her and see if there are some other girls who are in college around your age who may be more up to your maturity level. This girl friend of yours (although one of your best friends) seems like she may just have some growing up to do. Again, it's not so much her act that was troubling, but the way she responded to your concerns that gives me the impression that she's a little on the immature side.

[niji]

Just another female perspective here. Basically what butterfly84 says.

People can do whatever they want and I don't judge. Moral foundation doesn't necessarily have to do with social behaviors like drinking and flashing intimate body parts. You can be doing those things while still helping out children in poor countries; they're two separate thing.

So while I may still respect you as a moral person, it's out of my core compatibilities. A guy can do those things and I'll still respect him/consider him a good friend or colleague or whatever, but we can't be romantically involved. We're just not compatible, as I will never do those things while being in a relationship, and do not feel comfortable if my SO did the same.

 

When core compatibilities differ, it's hard to last. Some people are great as anything else but significant others.

 

The cheating though... That's not great, as anything.

[bachdude]

Actually she was clothed according to the OP and it was her girlfriends, not guys who were slapping her.

 

I think it was likely a fun girls night out, no harm, no foul and something to laugh at rather than get het up over.

 

Also, most people won't state that they think a behaviour is controlling unless it's become a common occurrence and little by little over tiny things they have noticed it happening more often.

 

 

Ah ok. But it says in what he wrote to her

 

 

"Your ass is out and your ass is being smacked".

 

 

That's where I got that from.

 

 

Also, she is "shaking her you know what" according to the OP.

 

 

So in other words, it's sexual in nature being sent out to all her friends, including guys.

 

 

I still say it wouldn't instill confidence in most guys after cheating.

 

 

I recommend he moves on.

[joseb]

She cheated on you. She posts immature attention grabbing stuff you do not like.

You are young, and should be out enjoying life, not trying to force a relationship with someone like this.

I'd recommend moving on, meeting girls to see what kind suits, and not looking for long term for a few years.

[Versacehottie]

Without getting into what is right or wrong, maybe you would have a better result of getting what you want from her (to take the snap down) by just telling her that you didn't find it sexy, hot, attractive whatever. That's less telling her what to do (which most people will rebel against, no matter how nicely you say it) but rather telling her how it makes you feel/feel about her. Kinda putting her on notice that you don't really see yourself with a girl like that long-term. Essentially that's the truth and you can only control what you do, so let her know how it makes you feel about her. She may be getting lots of attention from guys who are not bf material from that snap but a boyfriend material guy aka YOU finds it not cool. Might work better. And you would kinda start to plant seeds and get facts about what sorts of stuff you would like to see in a gf worthy of you. It's not only the fact that she did it initially but how she reacts to how you say it make you think about her.

 

In some ways, I think you might be a little sensitive bc of the past cheating issues OR maybe you are recognizing a pattern in her where she seeks attention. OR a little bit of both. I think posting the video might be harmless where she is just having fun with her gf's and she is standing her ground about you telling her what you want done. Could be immaturity to react like she did or maybe incompatibility that your values aren't in line with each other or that you measure them differently (i.e. posting a snap like that doesn't necessarily mean she is promiscuous or a cheater or disrespectful to you but if you see it like that then you might dig your heels in). I do think that chances are because of where you are in life that as a freshman in college, you are likely to have several more gf's before you really settle down soooooooo if this is causing you too much of a headache, do what is best for you and walk away so you can have normal college fun and not be tied down or have a gf or date a variety of girls before you try the gf thing again. Life is too short to be arguing and unhappy a lot of the time--especially college life!! take care and good luck

[NuevoYorko]

I was asking her nicely if she could take down the one post off of her snapchat that was of that scenario (considering there was multiple snaps). She responded negatively by saying she can do whatever she wants and i do not control her which is 100% true. In this day and age/ generation its considered cool to be an Independent woman that don't need no man. but in reality the name of the game is loyalty and respect. Thats my opinion when it comes to your significant other and they have a wish.

Ok. I understand how you feel, but there are a few different things going on here.

 

First, I don't agree that it's appropriate for a person to ask their partner to take a picture off of social media. Instead, they should communicate clearly how they feel about it. It's up to the person who put it up what to do. And it's up to you to observe and decide. Asking her to take it down is on the border of controlling. It doesn't really have anything to do with you.

 

Next, I don't think that this post reflects in any way at all about how much loyalty and respect she has for you. Separate things altogether. I understand she's in high school and this is probably more about being immature and enjoying attention than anything to do with her feelings towards you.

 

Finally, I do not think that this is related to her cheating two years ago (when she was a sophomore in high school). It might be related in your mind though, if you have any tendency to be jealous or mistrustful because of that past incident.

[Mystique01]

Ok. I understand how you feel, but there are a few different things going on here.

 

First, I don't agree that it's appropriate for a person to ask their partner to take a picture off of social media. Instead, they should communicate clearly how they feel about it. It's up to the person who put it up what to do. And it's up to you to observe and decide. Asking her to take it down is on the border of controlling. It doesn't really have anything to do with you.

 

Next, I don't think that this post reflects in any way at all about how much loyalty and respect she has for you. Separate things altogether. I understand she's in high school and this is probably more about being immature and enjoying attention than anything to do with her feelings towards you.

Finally, I do not think that this is related to her cheating two years ago (when she was a sophomore in high school). It might be related in your mind though, if you have any tendency to be jealous or mistrustful because of that past incident.

 

But then that makes me wonder....if she has a serious bf of 2 years, why would she be seeking attention elsewhere in the first place???

 

The whole thing just seems a bit shady, and screams attention-whore/immaturity... Personally I think OP can do better, but that's just mho.

[Charlie8967]

Thanks to everyone to responded, i appreciate everyones opinion, advice, and sympathy in some cases lol. In the end after about 12 hours of the post being up she DID decide to take it down but was not happy about it and yes controlling did come up. And of course it turned around on me and i was in the dog house for a little bit but when she calmed down we talked it out over coffee.

 

Honestly when i think about it I was just so upset in the heat of the moment (Upset enough that i found a forum and made a profile lol). BUT yea i know a lot of you think I'm crazy for staying because she already had cheated in the past, but honesty it might just have been me bing paranoid or idk cuz it kinda was giving an "in" for other guys and anyone could swoop in.

 

I don't want to say that I'm settling but when we are on good terms our relationship is perfect and i wouldn't change it for the world. Don't fix what aint broken?

 

Maybe i am still a little scared to test the waters but for now i just want to have a good holiday season. Yes some of you are saying "where are your balls at dude?" but people make mistakes and though i was pretty pissed yesterday, does it even matter today?

 

Am i being too nice? well... when i think back to when we first started dating we were so immature and i can see why she didn't think we would last at that time. Nobody plans to be with some one for a certain amount of time it just happens. cuz i wouldn't have imagined we would be hitting year 2 on valentines day.

 

We've both grown since then. We've been through things that i can't do again with any other person (Birthdays graduation death in the family etc..) so no matter what even if we ever do break up shed still be an important person in my life.

 

Not to get too personal but a little back story of mine is that my parents are divorced... (yea who cares) but then they both remarried... the divorced then both had so many boyfriends girlfriends that i can't use my 10 fingers. So that being said, one of my personal goals is to NEVER BE LIKE MY PARENTS!!!!! Ive seen what yelling and fighting does. Ive seen the struggle of not being to pay the bills because of no significant other.... there been no heat...theres been no electricity.. so maybe thats why i am the way i am. Id rather forgive the person that i love then let my kids go cold or with amenities. (i Know that was kind of a stretch and I'm going to get hit with the You're young go have fun and live life).

 

p.s I really enjoy this forum stuff and i will be doing this way more often because it really was a great way to speak my mind, share my feelings and get plentiful advice. Thanks to all Happy holidays

[joseb]

So that being said, one of my personal goals is to NEVER BE LIKE MY PARENTS!!!!! Ive seen what yelling and fighting does. Ive seen the struggle of not being to pay the bills because of no significant other.... there been no heat...theres been no electricity.. so maybe thats why i am the way i am. Id rather forgive the person that i love then let my kids go cold or with amenities. (

 

If you want to avoid getting divorced don't get into a long term relationship at your age.

 

They rarely rarely work.

 

Enjoy yourself while you are young and you are less likely to resent your future wife down the road.

 

Just my opinion.

[Gaeta]

So that being said, one of my personal goals is to NEVER BE LIKE MY PARENTS!!!!! Ive seen what yelling and fighting does.

 

And the secret to be in a good relationship is to NOT enter relationships with immature people and to know when to pass someone because they are not respectful and considerate of your relationship. Be also very picky with whom you'll be making babies with.

 

Two years ago when you met her you were not the man you are today. You have become a man since, she has remained a teen girl. She may mature soon and join you in adulthood or she could remain a teen-girl through all of her college years. At some point you'll have to say good-bye if you are no longer a fit.

[CobraX]

Honestly when i think about it I was just so upset in the heat of the moment (Upset enough that i found a forum and made a profile lol). BUT yea i know a lot of you think I'm crazy for staying because she already had cheated in the past, but honesty it might just have been me bing paranoid or idk cuz it kinda was giving an "in" for other guys and anyone could swoop in.

 

Not to get too personal but a little back story of mine is that my parents are divorced... (yea who cares) but then they both remarried... the divorced then both had so many boyfriends girlfriends that i can't use my 10 fingers. So that being said, one of my personal goals is to NEVER BE LIKE MY PARENTS!!!!! Ive seen what yelling and fighting does. Ive seen the struggle of not being to pay the bills because of no significant other.... there been no heat...theres been no electricity.. so maybe thats why i am the way i am. Id rather forgive the person that i love then let my kids go cold or with amenities. (i Know that was kind of a stretch and I'm going to get hit with the You're young go have fun and live life).

 

I hope this goes well for you! I just want to add one thought before you go back to your happy life.

 

I don't like how your GF immediately tried to flip this back onto you. Stating she is "independent" and calling you controlling are both very bad signs. If you ever hear that again you should know she is trying to manipulate you! This is something women say when they know they did something wrong but don't want to be held accountable. Do not fall for it again.

 

Women like a guy to be a bit jealous... it shows you care. Women do not like controlling guys. By intentionally confusing the two things she is trying to make you feel bad. You have every right to ask her to stop doing bad behaviors.

[Redhead14]

She is a senior in high school and I'm a freshman in college and just completed my first semester. id agree on the immature part. I don't know if i feel stuck in this relationship. I do love her very much and i hope I'm not being too nice. Like that other guy said to get revenge, thats not me. but maybe i need to test the waters a little bit. but i can't imagine throwing what we have away and starting from scratch. Maybe i should have left months ago. Am i in too deep?

 

She's a teenager!!! She doesn't have a clue. Teenagers do not usually have insight or forethought to their actions and feel like they can do whatever they want, anytime they want without regard for consequences or regard for others. She's too young to be able to have a "real" relationship. She's clueless.

 

You need to tell her that you're moving on because you want a more mature, secure, conservative woman -- a grown up . . . If you do stay with her, you'll have a relationship that is more like a parent-child relationship.

[kendahke]

Lets just say that I've been dating this girl for 2 years now. and about 6 months ago i found out that she had cheated on me during our second month of our relationship, but

 

But nothing.

 

That should have been in your initial post.

 

i already fell so deeply involve with her that i decided to look past it..

 

This is the consequence of you choosing to overlook her cheating. According to her, you don't get to tell her what she can post on her snapchat. Doesn't matter what we think of it--we can't make her not post videos you don't like. So, this is your starting point: either get over her posting stuff or leave the relationship.

 

Dating her for 2 years has not bred in her this loyalty you believe you are owed, so why continue the charade? Her loyalty to you went out the window 2 months in.

[Mystique01]

OP, you sound like a really nice guy honestly, but I think many others on here are trying to warn you that her cheating and the way she REACTED to your concerns sends really big glaring red flags in your relationship. Even her snap post in itself is a cause for pause in my book.

 

Look, I'm not going to stomp my foot and say that you must break up with her (you're in the relationship, so you know her better than we all do), but as someone who's older, lived longer, seen more things, and has had more experience, one thing I will say is that it's always best to go with your gut instinct. People usually exhibit signs early on that they will not be the best person for you in the long run.

 

 

Also, keep in mind that she's not the ONLY woman who can be there for you during hard times. Yes, shes' been a good friend over the years, but couples find others who support them (even MORE so sometimes) than their exes who they shared everything with. To assume that this girl is the ONLY girl for you simply because she was around during a time when you were experiencing hardships and personal family issues is kind of narrow-minded no offense. I just don't get the feeling you two will last for the long-haul.

 

But anyway, do whatever makes you happy for now. But don't say nobody tried to warn you about her personality traits. I would say the same thing to a girl who was dating a guy who was this way. She needs to grow up some. I think she's taking your "niceness" for granted by trying to play the victim and by even posting that snap in the first place.

[niji]

Ah OP, after reading your thoughts on divorce and a lack of long-lasting relationships surrounding you as you were growing up, I understand the context a little bit more. Though my parents are still together, I also grew up witnessing mostly failed relationships that either end up in divorce or, if the couples stayed, it was because of children, shared property, "keeping face" - anything but love for each other. That's why I stayed with my ex for much longer than I should have - even though I no longer loved him, I saw a stable partner in him and was determined to make it work. But alas, I couldn't handle "settling" anymore. A relationship that makes you have doubts where you have to seek opinions from anonymous people is a relationship worth questioning.

 

You're still young, and will probably not heed advices from people who have been there, because when we're young we're always correct and know what's best for us. I don't say this in a condescending manner; in fact I'm not much older than you and am young enough to remember vividly the time when I only wanted to be with one person for the rest of my life regardless of how incompatible we were, or how out of love I was. Part of growing up is experiencing the pains of loving and breaking up and realizing there's so much more to life out there, much more than I could ever imagine. Of course when you're young, you think you know everything there is to know about the world and the future.

 

Just remember that life is too short to short change yourself. If you ever feel not appreciated and valued, don't settle. You may find people who are much better to date, or you may not, but you'll never know until you try. And also, your logic of "when it's not bad it's really good" applies to every single failed relationship, otherwise people wouldn't have gotten together in the first place. Same with a child who gets abandoned by his mother, "when she doesn't leave me she's really good to me". Ask yourself, does that mean the mother is still a good mother, and does she deserve her child's love?

Edited December 22, 2016 by niji

[butterfly84]

I think your most recent post sounded pretty positive - it seems like you and her talked about it and maybe both of your reactions were heat of the moment, which happens, and as long as you come back around to discuss later and/or apologize then i think the relationship can be good. take lessons learned from anything that ever goes wrong and you will grow from that. if she does the same on her end i think you guys will be okay. goodluck to you

 

oh and one more thought - since you mentioned she was still kinda upset just try to remember that going forward since you can't change her but can do things on your end, some people you have to approach differently so i think if you just use more "i" statements with her it may work out better. it sounds cliche and you've probably heard it all before but i think those "i feel" vs. "you did" statements really help when talking to certain people.

Edited December 22, 2016 by butterfly84
wanted to add more