Minnie09 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Why is it that some people, when you catch them in a lie and call them out on it, they avoid you, withdraw and stop communicating - instead of trying to explain WHY they lied, instead of apologizing, instead of making things better.....I get the embarrassment factor. But by withdrawing they could risk a breakup, or a friendship could end...... Is it that the relationship wasn't important enough, or is the feeling of embarrassment stronger than the fear of losing something good? I don't get it. Whenever I've been in a situation like this myself, I've tried to explain, rebuild trust and strengthen the bond, not the other way round.
Quiet Storm Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 Conflict avoidance. Which is the reason why they lied in the first place. Conflict avoiders are very self centered and focused on their own feelings. Their desire to avoid conflict (and avoid feeling uncomfortable, accountable or embarrassed) is more important to them than resolving the issue. Their personal comfort is the most important thing. Also, they have an image they want to portray to others. They want you to see them a certain way. Lying is a way to control how others view them. Once that image has been tarnished, they lose that control. This makes them very uncomfortable. To them, it's easier to focus on people they haven't disappointed yet, rather than putting effort into making amends. This is because they're focused on their feelings, and not the feelings of the other person. 4
Lady2163 Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 My experience is a bit darker. I dated an alcoholic who lied a lot and just made things up constantly. When I would confront him or definitively prove that he was lying OR making something up he would refuse to answer his phone and hide in his apartment (which was secure - you buzzed, but the person had to come down and let you in). One time when I showed up, he actually started to call 911. So, his was punishment. I almost didn't leave when he was dialing 911. That would have been bad for me. I was so exasperated and while I was entitled to answers, I wasn't going to get them that day. He would "punish" me for about ten days and then he would want something. Usually, money or sex. I knew how to pick 'em.
Author Minnie09 Posted December 21, 2016 Author Posted December 21, 2016 (edited) Thanks, quiet and lady! So wrt the person I'm involved with, I'm already on....I don't want to say high alert, but definitely cautious, because we're LD and I've noticed some inconsistencies in the past here and there. These inconsistencies refer to his whereabouts, people he was with, stuff like that, and the problem is he generally doesn't talk much about himself in the first place, and about what he does in his spare time, and i think it's because he doesn't want to reveal too much so that nothing can be held against him later, if he should contradict himself.....Now that sounds like a really healthy relationship, right? Lol. And I'm not sure if I'm just paranoid, due to my past experience with lies in a relationship, and of course I'm now super-attentive, but I also don't want to settle and I won't accept half truths and white lies. He has been caught in omitting stuff and inconsistencies, and he always said it's because it wasn't important and he didn't want to upset me. To me, that's BS. I know there are relationships where partners don't ask many questions and they either don't care or don't really want to know. But I am not that way. I'm a fan of the truth, it makes me feel safe. The last incidence was last week, where he told me he was at a certain place, which I knew was closed that day (due to renovation), so I questioned it. All he said was that he can't believe my distrust (blameshifting much??), I left a VM ranting about it, and no response, just silence, since then. We had holiday plans and now I don't know where I stand. I'm extremely disappointed and planning Christmas without him now. Sad - after knowing somebody (or maybe not knowing them) for more than a year. It's almost like he's pouting for being questioned. Edited December 21, 2016 by Minnie09
Recommended Posts