jah526 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 There seems to be a lot of posts about the MM being in it only for sex while the OW get emotionally attached. Just curious - if the MM are truly in it only for the sex, then why do they try to hold on so tight when the OW attempt to get out of it? Is it really so hard to find another OW? 2
DKT3 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 (edited) There seems to be a lot of posts about the MM being in it only for sex while the OW get emotionally attached. Just curious - if the MM are truly in it only for the sex, then why do they try to hold on so tight when the OW attempt to get out of it? Is it really so hard to find another OW? It's hard to find a woman who will accept so little, who won't tell, who will make all the effort, who will be excited to hear from him after ghosting for weeks at a time...So yeah it's hard to find another other woman who will accept the role as OW. I'm not even saying he isn't involved emotionally, it's hard to interact with someone on an intimate level and not be, but he isn't going to give up very much for it. Edited December 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language~T 8
Poppy47 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 If a MM finds an OW who blindly accepts everything he says and gives him all he wants, he will be keen to keep her . If not, it means grooming and working on another woman. It's just easier too keep the already existing arrangement. Poppy. 6
somanymistakes Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 There seems to be a lot of posts about the MM being in it only for sex while the OW get emotionally attached. Just curious - if the MM are truly in it only for the sex, then why do they try to hold on so tight when the OW attempt to get out of it? Is it really so hard to find another OW? Of course they aren't all in it just for the sex, but some are, and they are the most likely candidates to have many affairs and break many hearts, and therefore get the most rants posted about them. On the other hand, a man who's only in it to fulfill his needs is very much likely to hold on tight to an OW who has been good at fulfilling his needs for low investment. Why give up a good thing? That sort of man wants to collect more options, not lose them. The fact that there are more fish in the sea doesn't mean he wants to let go of any of the fish he's gathered already, otherwise he wouldn't still be with his wife while screwing around, would he? 2
Satu Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 There seems to be a lot of posts about the MM being in it only for sex while the OW get emotionally attached. Just curious - if the MM are truly in it only for the sex, then why do they try to hold on so tight when the OW attempt to get out of it? *Is it really so hard to find another OW? *These 'men' are expert at sniffing out women's vulnerabilities and exploiting them. That is their entire game. Most women wouldn't take them seriously for even a minute. Take care. 7
eye of the storm Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Any marketing person will tell you its cheaper to keep a customer than get a new one. Its easier to keep an AP than find a new one. 5
aileD Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 (edited) Even when there are emotions involved, it's still about the sex. Stop the sex and he'll find someone else with whom to do it with. But they get attached. Not to you. To the chemicals and the easiness. These men don't like to put in effort to find someone new. If they enjoyed putting in effort they could put the effort in their marriage. Look how easy it is to get the OW to go back. The boards here are filled with failed NC. Edited December 20, 2016 by aileD 5
Satu Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 snip Look how easy it is to get the OW to go back. The boards here are filled with failed NC. And many of them are very vulnerable people with an underlying emotional fragility. The fragility doesn't get mentioned, but its easy to see. Take care. 7
malvern99 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 There seems to be a lot of posts about the MM being in it only for sex while the OW get emotionally attached. Just curious - if the MM are truly in it only for the sex, then why do they try to hold on so tight when the OW attempt to get out of it? Is it really so hard to find another OW? Put yourself in MM's shoes for a minute. You have an easy side relationship with a woman who is willing to work her tail off to impress you in order to keep you around. That likely means she is more sexually available and adventurous in order to cater to your desires. The upside to this as the MM is that you don't have to do any real relationship work. It's all fun and games. You're good enough as it stands and this OW figuratively worships the ground you walk on. Why would anyone walk away from that. To any OW out there in a physical relationship, there is one easy way to find the truth of the matter. Cut the sex off, and demand the MM actually put work into the relationship. See how long they stick around. 7
aileD Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 snip And many of them are very vulnerable people with an underlying emotional fragility. The fragility doesn't get mentioned, but its easy to see. Take care. Right. The word "prey" comes to mind 2
FoundMyStrength Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 I think there are also cases where a man wasn't looking for an affair, and just happens to meet and fall for someone. But even for those MM, it's ultimately selfish. If you truly love someone, but aren't in a position to do so, you let them go. You don't keep dragging them back in simply because it feels good to have two sources of love, ego boosts, and emotional support in your life. And a woman who's willing to put up with talking to a man endlessly about his problems, his issues, his worries, his concerns, his thwarted life goals -- without a real relationship or reciprocity -- also is hard to find. 4
cloche Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 To what extent do the answers here also apply to the OM + MW affair, and in what ways do they differ? 1
BluesPower Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Guys it is not always like that. I did not lie to my OW's. They knew the deal and they wanted it. They needed someone to make them feel loved and cared for. I fulfilled that need. They wanted someone that was interested and decent in the bed room. Some of those women used me for sex they were not getting else where. Everyone in an affair is selfish one way or another. And people get hurt, which is just one of the many reasons that you should not have affairs. The women that I was with wanted what I had to give, that is not all the MM's or OM's fault. Sometimes the MOW or OW involved in affairs want to blame the MM for everything. Some of them are creeps and some are not. But I am betting that no MM for the most part forced the MOW or single OW into the affair, now did they? The married ones for the most part were tired of their husband, tired of their marriage and tired of their sex life. Whose fault is that? It that the fault of the MM that gave them what they needed? The whole world of affairs sucks, when it is over, and it is great when it is going on. Overall it is just a bad deal for everyone. 6
BlueBobby Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 It might be hard to find another woman who is willing to take scraps. I think that's when a lot of guys that are willing to offer so maybe it's true in some cases. I love my other girl. I would say in a different way than my wife obviously or I wouldn't be cheating on my wife I can't give her as much time as she wants sometimes she can't give me as much time as I want times but we do love each other even when I can't talk to her I'm thinking about her. I do not always tell her that though, I assume she knows like I do. sometime she asks I have to be reminded that she doesn't just remember 1
cocorico Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 There seems to be a lot of posts about the MM being in it only for sex while the OW get emotionally attached. Just curious - if the MM are truly in it only for the sex, then why do they try to hold on so tight when the OW attempt to get out of it? Is it really so hard to find another OW? Some MM may be in it "only for sex", and many BW are invested in believing their MM falls into that category (especially if they cling, post DDay, because the alternative makes wanting him feel risky.) Of course not all - perhaps even, not most - MM seek "only sex". There are easier and less risky ways to get sex - including from the BW. MM who want "only sex" are usually the ones on AM or tinder or such websites where that is the deal. Many MM simply fall in love with someone they meet in a different context - often work, or work-related - and find they're in love, or attached in some way, without planning it. Some MM feel lonely and neglected in their M, and seek friendship which becomes intimacy. Others wake up one day wondering, " is this all there is to life?" and resolve to open themselves to new experiences rather than dying on their feet, and then start noticing people differently. There are many routes into an A. Feeling randy is only one. 4
sandylee1 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 As full as these boards seem ...it's not easy finding a woman willing to be a secret, who you can't walk the streets with, take to your works Christmas party etc So when you get one ... why not hold on tight. It's a real good deal for them, having a woman who is so into them, and asks for so little in return. You bet it's hard to find AN OW. .. hence the need for Ashley Madison. 2
Poppy47 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 snip And many of them are very vulnerable people with an underlying emotional fragility. The fragility doesn't get mentioned, but its easy to see. Take care. Satu, In hindsight, I had no idea how fragile I was at the time I met xMM. A widow with no support network. How he must have rubbed his hands with glee. It reminds me of the old song... Never Smile at a Crocodile from Peter pan. He seemed to know instinctively how to get me hooked. I stayed hooked for many years. He went to great lengths. Flowers, poems, emails, frequently visiting from a long distance and was always planning the next time. Earlier this year, he sent his wife overseas on a holiday while I was having surgery. He spent the entire two weeks looking after me. Did he have feelings? Claimed to. I don't know and never will. Was it just for sex? Don't know. It simply doesn't matter any more. His actions speak of desperation to keep the neat little arrangement all tied up with a bow. Poppy. 2
Girlfromcali Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 My MM has only been with one other woman. I think he wanted to keep me for ego boost because he knew I "loved" him. Now I have been difficult and avoidant for years so he's not that enthusiastic anymore. We are bored, like the ego boost the other is giving. 1
Girlfromcali Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 My MM likes to seduce women as a hobby. He has never taken it to a physical level before (married for decades). His physical fidelity doesn't match his "narcissism" and it is hard to understand. I have tried to analyze it in my mind and I think (this is only speculation, I'm not his therapist) that the reason is that he was very close to his mother. His mother spoiled him and made him a narcissist. However, on the other hand because of his closeness to her, he in his mind thinks he can't betray his mother. Oh, it's so weird to psychoanalyze him, I could be totally wrong, but I just can't come up with any other explanation since he is impulsive in other areas and very sexual. And yes...I am almost 100% sure he's not lying about it.. 1
carhill Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 if the MM are truly in it only for the sex, then why do they try to hold on so tight when the OW attempt to get out of it?Men like sex the way women like emotional attachment. The lizard brain is losing a potent drug released by sexual activity and they want that back and go through withdrawal without it. 1
Satu Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 snip His mother spoiled him and made him a narcissist. However, on the other hand because of his closeness to her, he in his mind thinks he can't betray his mother. Carl Jung said, that the only thing worse for a man than having a mother who doesn't love him enough, is having a mother that loves him too much. I've seen that play out a couple of times. "Puer aeternus." 3
Girlfromcali Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 snip Carl Jung said, that the only thing worse for a man than having a mother who doesn't love him enough, is having a mother that loves him too much. I've seen that play out a couple of times. "Puer aeternus." What do you mean Satu? They were poor, other children were physically disciplined, he was the youngest, he always got his way, never was punished. He got to choose what they watched from TV, he got to eat first etc etc.. He is very violent but not towards women. It's weird because I know Hitler was spoiled by his mother and that guy Scott Petersen who killed his pregnant wife. His W is motherly, always does anything he says, but they never fight. Other people who have seen them together say they seem have harmony and love and he always talks lovingly about his W. They've known each other since kids so I think they are more like siblings. Sorry about the rant..
Daisy2013 Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 My MM wasn't in it for sex and he wasn't getting any at home. He held to that for years. It seemed the truth because when we were intimate, it was quick for him. He was starved for love and affection. OTOH, although we were intimate many times, sex was very rare, as he said we weren't about sex. He loved me, but had too many hats to wear and said he had to be all everyone expected him to be at home, church and work. He loved me, but he valued his standing and reputation more. We were both emotionally attached so he wouldn't run if no sex. 1
Author jah526 Posted December 21, 2016 Author Posted December 21, 2016 With mine, there was never much physical activity. It happened a handful of times. But there was a lot of manipulation, of trying to get me to do the physical stuff. Boy, he was persistent. Many times I thought it would be much easier for him to go work on someone else. There was a cycle of friends->persuasion to be more than friends->either physical activity or not->me pulling away->one of us getting in contact. Then it would start again. Someone told me that whenever I got in contact again, it was keeping him addicted. He said it's the same way that people get addicted to gambling. You don't win every time. You keep holding out for that one time when you will. I've cut contact again and am really trying to remain firm this time. I think both of us need the companionship. He always told me the friendship was more important to him than the physical stuff (although I'm not sure I believe that). But I'm scared we're just going to keep repeating the cycle if I don't stop it. 1
Satu Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 What do you mean Satu? Not being loved enough, and being loved too much, both lead to a distorted image of the self. Being 'over-loved' is probably worse, because when it is manifested as narcissism, it can be viewed as a manic defence. "Smallness, dependence, separateness, feeling you have injured your good object, are all fairly obvious to the eye and not easily denied if one is facing reality. But reality is pretty painful much of the time in childhood, even when you have an intact family that is living harmoniously. Most children naturally gravitate to wishful ideas, the most fundamental of all being the idea that there is magic, and you can have it and instantly erase all of the pains I just outlined. Every area of life that lends itself to the possibility that there might be magic, will be seized for their use as magic. If I put on mom’s bra, it will magically give me breasts and I can feed myself. If I pick up daddy’s cordless drill, I will be able to do anything he can do, maybe even marry mom and be her husband." They are always looking for the magic, but they never find it. Take care.
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