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Clingy after first date? Or am I over reacting?

allez102

By allez102
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allez102 Member

allez102

Posted
Posted (edited)

A few weeks back I started talking to a really interesting and handsome looking guy on OLD. We were having pretty good conversations and he asked me out relatively soon-ish.

 

I let him take the lead with the date. He wanted to go for dinner (i'm never a big fan of that for a first date) to an all you can eat buffet (even worse!) but I didn't want to seem picky so I obliged.

 

He seemed nice at first but was quite over comfortable - he touched my back one or times which felt weird, especially as I didn't feel a spark. Conversation was pretty good although looking back he didn't ask me a whole lot, he talked quite a bit about himself. He also asked me a lot about what attracts me to him... As the date went on, a few more alarm bells started ringing in my head. This was his first date after a 6 year r'ship which ended last spring. He was talking about his dream of the type of house he wants to buy with his future partner. He kept talking out loud - stating how much we had in common and how well we were allegedly getting on, and how he is looking forward to the next date already. I found this controlling if i'm honest, I hadn't even agreed to one yet!

 

At the end of the date he leaned over to kiss me, I was fine with it but it was.. long and tonguey :o for a first kiss!? Really ... As soon as we got home he had text me saying what a lovely time I had, how perfect I was, and when were we going to see each other again.

 

I text back the next day. We set a day for a second date. I wasn't sure but normally give people 2 chances!

 

Our conversation got a little bit quieter then which I was relieved about as I was thinking I had been too hasty to judge him and maybe he wasn't really that clingy at all.

 

On Saturday, I asked if we could re-schedule our upcoming date (supposed to be today) because I had been asked to work away early tomorrow and so needed to travel the night before. I suggested a date next week. This is when he started to get a little crazy. Asking if i'm always really busy and stating he's worried I'm not interested and don't have enough time to date him. He said he felt the date was too far in advance and he suggested he telephone me this evening instead so we could just have a chat. He keeps complimenting me, telling me how perfect he thinks I am and how he's looking forward to seeing me again.

 

I'll be honest, i'm not used to this. I'm normally attracted to idiots who treat me badly. BUT, is my gut instinct right? Is this too much? Should I run or give him another chance?

Edited by allez102
strawberryshortstack Established Member

strawberryshortstack

Posted
Posted
A few weeks back I started talking to a really interesting and handsome looking guy on OLD. We were having pretty good conversations and he asked me out relatively soon-ish.

 

I let him take the lead with the date. He wanted to go for dinner (i'm never a big fan of that for a first date) to an all you can eat buffet (even worse!) but I didn't want to seem picky so I obliged.

 

He seemed nice at first but was quite over comfortable - he touched my back one or times which felt weird, especially as I didn't feel a spark. Conversation was pretty good although looking back he didn't ask me a whole lot, he talked quite a bit about himself. He also asked me a lot about what attracts me to him... As the date went on, a few more alarm bells started ringing in my head. This was his first date after a 6 year r'ship which ended last spring. He was talking about his dream of the type of house he wants to buy with his future partner. He kept talking out loud - stating how much we had in common and how well we were allegedly getting on, and how he is looking forward to the next date already. I found this controlling if i'm honest, I hadn't even agreed to one yet!

 

At the end of the date he leaned over to kiss me, I was fine with it but it was.. long and tonguey :o for a first kiss!? Really ... As soon as we got home he had text me saying what a lovely time I had, how perfect I was, and when were we going to see each other again.

 

I text back the next day. We set a day for a second date. I wasn't sure but normally give people 2 chances!

 

Our conversation got a little bit quieter then which I was relieved about as I was thinking I had been too hasty to judge him and maybe he wasn't really that clingy at all.

 

On Saturday, I asked if we could re-schedule our upcoming date (supposed to be today) because I had been asked to work away early tomorrow and so needed to travel the night before. I suggested a date next week. This is when he started to get a little crazy. Asking if i'm always really busy and stating he's worried I'm not interested and don't have enough time to date him. He said he felt the date was too far in advance and he suggested he telephone me this evening instead so we could just have a chat. He keeps complimenting me, telling me how perfect he thinks I am and how he's looking forward to seeing me again.

 

I'll be honest, i'm not used to this. I'm normally attracted to idiots who treat me badly. BUT, is my gut instinct right? Is this too much? Should I run or give him another chance?

 

 

Seems a bit too much too soon for my taste, but doesn't seem completely over the top to me. Maybe let the phone call happen and see how that goes before making a decision?

TheTraveler Established Member

TheTraveler

Posted
Posted

On Saturday, I asked if we could re-schedule our upcoming date (supposed to be today) because I had been asked to work away early tomorrow and so needed to travel the night before. I suggested a date next week. This is when he started to get a little crazy. Asking if i'm always really busy and stating he's worried I'm not interested and don't have enough time to date him. He said he felt the date was too far in advance and he suggested he telephone me this evening instead so we could just have a chat. He keeps complimenting me, telling me how perfect he thinks I am and how he's looking forward to seeing me again.

 

This isn't good. At all.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

He is communicating with you about his thoughts on the situation, that's a good thing. He may not be up on reading signals properly and over reacted on the first kiss. Realizing this may have been a bad thing he has talked to you, and is pulling back a little to slow it down. I think it's nice that he has suggested a chat to get to know you better, and see how things go from there. Obviously he cares, and wants this to work.

  • Like 1
IfonlyIknew Established Member

IfonlyIknew

Posted
Posted

He seems a little clueless in the dating department. I'd bolt.

  • Like 2
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allez102 Member

allez102

Posted
  • Author
Posted
He is communicating with you about his thoughts on the situation, that's a good thing. He may not be up on reading signals properly and over reacted on the first kiss. Realizing this may have been a bad thing he has talked to you, and is pulling back a little to slow it down. I think it's nice that he has suggested a chat to get to know you better, and see how things go from there. Obviously he cares, and wants this to work.

 

I know what you mean, but, wants what to work? We've been on one date. What is there to work? It's so early on :(

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allez102 Member

allez102

Posted
  • Author
Posted
He seems a little clueless in the dating department. I'd bolt.

 

This is my feeling also. OLD wasn't a huge thing last time he was single. I'm not sure he knows what he's doing but is that a good enough reason to give it all up? :/ I really don't know.

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allez102 Member

allez102

Posted
  • Author
Posted
This isn't good. At all.

 

I've found this the most concerning. I feel that he's trying to make me feel guilty already. I've been with emotionally abusive men before and I just can't help but feel that i'm picking up on little bits of controlling/possessiveness here and there.

joseb Established Member

joseb

Posted
Posted (edited)

To be it sounds like you are not that into him. He is probably sensing that. Then you cancel a date. I'm a confident guy, but if a woman cancels a date after not being that into me on the first one, I would assume low/no interest too.

I actually think his concern is pretty valid, if you are travelling for work the week before Christmas I might take that to mean you are very busy and travel a lot.

 

I'd probably handle it differently, I'd focus on others and see if you circle back.

He's new to dating again so probably isn't multi dating yet, so is more vested.

Edited by joseb
  • Like 1
losangelena Established Member

losangelena

Posted
Posted
He said he felt the date was too far in advance and he suggested he telephone me this evening instead so we could just have a chat. He keeps complimenting me, telling me how perfect he thinks I am and how he's looking forward to seeing me again.

 

This would put me off, too.

 

I once went on a first date with a guy who was way more into me than I was into him. We agreed to a second date the weekend after, but in the days leading up to it, he would call me almost every day to want to chat, which I thought was a bit much. He would also call or text again if I chose not to respond right away. I found that to be very overbearing, and the more he did it, the less I wanted to talk to him. I didn't understand why he was feeling so anxious about some women he'd gone out on one date with.

 

All this culminated all one day when he texted me just as I was about to walk into a meeting with a family I was to cat-sit for. For obvious reasons, I didn't text him back right away, and after about 40-or-so minutes of no reply, he CALLS ME as I'm driving back home. Since I'm driving, I don't pick up right away, but I'm annoyed because, well, why should I have to text him back within 40 minutes? I decided that I'd call him back when I got home, but he called me a second time before I even made it home. Yikes! I picked up that time, explained what I'd been doing, and told him effectively that, despite the fact that we'd planned to see each other again, I no longer felt comfortable. He really tried to put up a fight, but I explained to him how off-putting his behavior that week had been, and that if he'd just chilled a bit, there would have been a second date.

 

Anyway, I don't regret not giving this guy another chance. If that's how he was going to communicate after one date, I knew that it probably was not going to get much better.

 

If I were you, I'd be feeling uncomfortable too right now.

  • Like 2
Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

Posted
Posted

It's definitely too much.

 

However, if you saw qualities in him that could redeem this behavior, if you sensed the potential for a spark, maybe you should forgive him for his awkwardness and give him one more chance.

 

It sounds like you weren't particularly into him in general, though (even before the pushy behavior escalated), so I don't know if that's worth your while.

Brieanna Member

Brieanna

Posted
Posted (edited)

Humm, the description of this guy is a huge turn off to me, in lots of ways, yet this bit stands out to me...

 

He kept talking out loud - stating how much we had in common and how well we were allegedly getting on, and how he is looking forward to the next date already. I found this controlling if i'm honest, I hadn't even agreed to one yet!

 

I am not a fan of people being walking billboards to "who they are" or "what we are." If someone seems to me like they are advertising what kind of person they are, then I often wonder if they are trying to convince ME, or THEMSELVES or both? It concerns me a bit.

 

On the other hand, the guy is really not used to dating, he may be focused on himself and nervous and naturally self centered due to nerves.

 

Idk, I'd like to see him start showing more interested in your actual thoughts and feelings vs continuing on trying to convince you how wonderful it all is with any blanket statements.

 

I'd be tempted to challenge him and actually confront him with questions to force him to share/reveal some more of his thought process on things to see how deep it goes (or see if he just feels insecure, thus stating "all is ok/great" to appease his anxieties.)

 

Idk though, maybe he is listening.

Do you find him able to be attentive and interested in you and also able to integrate that into his perception of you/or two of you at all?

Meaning, do his statements in anyway reflect some insight or acknowledgment of you, or are they simply general template-like talk?

Edited by Brieanna
Miss Peach Established Member

Miss Peach

Posted
Posted

It sounds like he's just into you and is thinking ahead to what a relationship might look like.

 

Since every women wants totally different things and the guy has no clue which type of woman you are, I tend to give them a little more leeway at the beginning to a point. If I see signs of being pushy, rude, or other things I wouldn't tolerate I would move on. But if it just wasn't your preference I would give him another chance.

 

I have had some men give me a hard time for not being able to see them right away. Some have been OK when I explain it and others have been pushy or treated me more casually.

butterfly84 Member

butterfly84

Posted
Posted

Do the compliments make you feel good or do they make you feel nervous or uncomfortable? just based on you making this post i think that you are not feeling so great when talking to him or with him. I think eventually your instincts will tell you what the right thing to do is based on how he makes you feel.

 

I also dated a guy like that once and I was used to dating jerks too so i thought at first maybe i was just not used to it, but then i realized all his constant compliments were too much and he was treating me like the only thing in his life/depending on me for happiness and i realized i needed to put an end to things before it grew even more.

ChatroomHero Established Member

ChatroomHero

Posted
Posted

If I was dating a girl that was like that, if I was really into her I would be totally fine with her being like that initially, chalk it up to finding her dating legs. If I was not into her much, I'd be totally put off.

 

Someone said it perfectly above, he sensed you were not that into him. You cancelled a second date which means about a 90% fail rate.Can't fault the guy for calling you on it, but bottom line it sounds like you want to be into him because he ticks some boxes, but you are not. Move on if that is the case.

Methodical Established Member

Methodical

Posted
Posted
I let him take the lead with the date...

 

This was his first date after a 6 year r'ship which ended last spring...

 

As soon as we got home he had text me saying what a lovely time I had, how perfect I was, and when were we going to see each other again...

 

Our conversation got a little bit quieter then which I was relieved about as I was thinking I had been too hasty to judge him and maybe he wasn't really that clingy at all.

 

Asking if i'm always really busy and stating he's worried I'm not interested and don't have enough time to date him.

 

He has been out of the dating scene for 6 years and probably feels a bit awkward. Essentially, he admitted he has security issues and I think he is trying too hard, which is off-putting. When he calls, do both of you a favor and tell him your concerns and that you want to slow things down. Gauge his actions afterward. If he is still too clingy, cut the cord.

OnlyHonesty Established Member

OnlyHonesty

Posted
Posted
I know what you mean, but, wants what to work? We've been on one date. What is there to work? It's so early on :(

 

 

I think he wants your future marriage to work. Sounds to me that he is infatuated, getting carried away with an idea about you and placing you on some kind of pedestal. Maybe part of you enjoys the attention but either way, this doesn't look good. Sounds like a rabbit boiler to me.

 

You've gone from one extreme to the other. Bad boys to overly mr nice.

  • Like 1
NVO Established Member

NVO

Posted
Posted (edited)

It's his first date after a six year relationship, which only ended last spring. He's dying for your attention, maybe worrying he might never find someone else. That's why he acts so clingy. I've been there myself.

 

He's not ready to date yet. You are some kind of rebound to fill a void.

 

I think he wants your future marriage to work. Sounds to me that he is infatuated, getting carried away with an idea about you and placing you on some kind of pedestal. Maybe part of you enjoys the attention but either way, this doesn't look good. Sounds like a rabbit boiler to me.

 

This! ^^^

Edited by NVO
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