Author mc93 Posted December 21, 2016 Author Posted December 21, 2016 It's ok to go out with a variety of guys, date and even take dudes home from the bar. The real question is why be engaged and why would you want to marry one guy if you are interested in these other men? But I'm not interested in them in like a romantic/sexual way. Just platonically. Same way he is with his lady friend.
central Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 Where we live and work, it is extraordinarily difficult to make friends - and harder to find like-minded people. Since we moved here years ago, we've only made a few. A few others left the area - there are a lot of career moves going on. So, if we have a chance to make a new friend, we take it. One of our longest-lasting friends here is the guy who managed the facility where my wife volunteered. Over time, we became good friends with him and his wife, to the extent that we spend most holidays together and travel together. Another is a woman I met online a few years ago, who has become OUR dear friend. We're taking a trip together early next year, and we both spend time with her, together or alone, with no problem. It all comes down to trust and boundaries. Personally, I know I am trustworthy, and wouldn't tolerate a relationship with someone who would not trust me.
Author mc93 Posted December 21, 2016 Author Posted December 21, 2016 Personally, I know I am trustworthy, and wouldn't tolerate a relationship with someone who would not trust me. I think really, this is what bothers me. I trust my SO when he goes out with his gal pal and don't doubt him when he doesn't come home till 10 or a few hours later after work and he doesn't call. I go out by myself or mention guy friends and all of a sudden I'm accused of cheating. Now I don't even plan on hanging out with my friend because I know it will upset my SO and that's more important to me than going out.
samantha_t85 Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 I trust my SO when he goes out with his gal pal and don't doubt him when he doesn't come home till 10 or a few hours later after work and he doesn't call. Maybe you shouldn't...? It sounds like he is the one with less-than-platonic intentions and he is most likely projecting that onto you. Personally, I think spending lots of one-on-one time with a friend of the opposite gender while in a relationship is a bit weird and inappropriate. For people that have been friends for a long time, I could understand the occasional coffee get-together just to catch up. But not regularly spending hours together, alone. And definitely not seeking out *new* opposite-gender friends.
TobyBoy Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 In your previous posts you call yourself a newlywed, on this thread your engaged! So which is it? Are you married or not?
kgcolonel Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 I told my SO I wouldn't go out with my friend but of course now he's saying, "do whatever you want. I don't care." I'm not going to do it, regardless, because it seems to be an issue for him. Now, I'm not trying to be defensive, but why would it be a "date" to hang out with a new friend but not when I went to dinner with an old male friend? Or when my SO goes out with his lady friend? I'm just curious about the double standard. To address the bolded, your SO likely sees the old friend as someone who fully understands the boundaries and respects the relationship whereas the "new friend" likely is looking to see how far he can get or to attempt to redefine the friendship. You mentioned that the NF was discussing his troubled marriage....this many times is an attempt to get the "yeah, me too" response and then it starts....just saying... An earlier poster stated that the orbiters (guys hanging around acting like friends) were ready willing and able to disrespect the relationship and this is very nearly always true....why play with fire?
Noirek Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 There is nothing wrong with opposite gender friends in and onto itself. In fact I believe it is a healthier approach to life. However there are things that make it suspect. Insecurities and jealousy - many SO simply can't handle it. No matter how platonic the relationship is. And sometimes you have to choose to give up friends to keep the person you love. Is that right? Everyone's opinion differs. Poor boundaries and lack of self awareness - you lie to yourself, you over share, you spend too much time with one friend, ect. Or you are just unable to keep opposite sex friends as friends. Past cheating - this one is me. Since xMM and I posed as friends my days of male friends are over. He wasn't a slippery slope, poor boundary thing. But since only I know my thoughts and feelings I refuse to have friends that would lead ny husband to questioning my behaviour. I still however talk to males but very few alone times and no texting, ect. Now the reason I say opposite friends are okay if your SO is okay with it and you are self aware and have good boundaries is because what would you do if you were Bi? Or your spouse?
Author mc93 Posted December 21, 2016 Author Posted December 21, 2016 In your previous posts you call yourself a newlywed, on this thread your engaged! So which is it? Are you married or not? Haha! Sorry for the confusion! Let me explain the situation: my SO and I decided to elope back in February out of the state and couldn't legalize it so we had a ceremony and said we'd legalize it when we got back. When we came home, he changed his mind about legalizing but did want to move in together. He told his parents we were married because his parents are religious and would throw a fit if they found out we weren't married and lived together. He kept saying we'd legalize it but when I'd bring it up, he'd make excuses to wait, so I've stopped asking. For a while he would tell people we were married but then stopped and just refers to me as his gf (excluding his family). I've always refered to him as my husband but noticed he doesn't refer to me as his wife to his friends, so I'm referring to him as my fiance for all intents and purposes. Sorry, it's kind of a weird story.
TobyBoy Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 Haha! Sorry for the confusion! Let me explain the situation: my SO and I decided to elope back in February out of the state and couldn't legalize it so we had a ceremony and said we'd legalize it when we got back. When we came home, he changed his mind about legalizing but did want to move in together. He told his parents we were married because his parents are religious and would throw a fit if they found out we weren't married and lived together. He kept saying we'd legalize it but when I'd bring it up, he'd make excuses to wait, so I've stopped asking. For a while he would tell people we were married but then stopped and just refers to me as his gf (excluding his family). I've always refered to him as my husband but noticed he doesn't refer to me as his wife to his friends, so I'm referring to him as my fiance for all intents and purposes. Sorry, it's kind of a weird story. Thanks for the clarification. Now, do I detect a little resentment in the rest of the above quote?
Noirek Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 I read your other post. You guys are having serious relationship/maturity issues. You have so many things going wrong in your relationship. And your communication skills are abysmal. Perhaps you could get counselling? Or perhaps revaluate the relationship.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 For a while he would tell people we were married but then stopped and just refers to me as his gf (excluding his family). I've always refered to him as my husband but noticed he doesn't refer to me as his wife to his friends, so I'm referring to him as my fiance for all intents and purposes. Sorry, it's kind of a weird story. mc93, isn't that a pretty powerful message? Despite the wedding ceremony and stated intent to marry, he doesn't care for, respect or value you enough to tell people you're his wife? Don't know many women who would be comfortable with that ... Mr. Lucky 1
Author mc93 Posted December 21, 2016 Author Posted December 21, 2016 Thanks for the clarification. Now, do I detect a little resentment in the rest of the above quote? In all honesty, it used to bother me that he kept making excuses, but by now, I've let it go. Referring to me as his gf instead of his wife bothers me because he's selective about who he says it to. Anyone in person knows him as my husband because that's what I call him. It was only here that I referred to him as my fiance.
oldshirt Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 It's beginning to all make sense why you want to go out with other men. The real question is, again, why are you staying with him in the first place? 1
olivetree Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 mc93, isn't that a pretty powerful message? Despite the wedding ceremony and stated intent to marry, he doesn't care for, respect or value you enough to tell people you're his wife? Don't know many women who would be comfortable with that ... Mr. Lucky Mr. Lucky is right. This is not good. It sounds like your relationship is regressing, not progressing.
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