mc93 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Hey guys! I'm looking for opinions on the old "friends of the opposite sex" when you're engaged/LTR. Background: I don't have a large social circle and rarely go out at all. In fact I hung out with an old male friend for the first time in months which was also the first time I've gone out as well. My SO was okay with it because he said my friend wasn't a "real" friend because we don't hang out much. Anyway, I made a couple of friends at my work and they all know I'm engaged but still suggested we hang out outside of work. When I told my fiance that I may go out with a male friend after work he said he didn't like me hanging out with other guys. I asked him why it was a big deal when his best friend is a girl and they hang out all the time. He said it's okay since I know her. When I suggested he gets to know my friends he completely shut the idea down. After that, he started suggesting that I'm cheating which I'm not. Earlier that day I went out to the movies by myself, something that I used to do all the time, and now my fiance claims I went with "someone" and he says I better not complain we he does the same thing. I was angry but didn't say anything because I'd rather wait until we've both cooled off, rather than saying things in the heat of the moment. I'm not sure how to approach the situation (this all happened last night). Should I stand my ground or terminate my friendship with my new friend to keep my SO happy?
mikeylo Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 My 2c Relationships are difficult between 2 people anyway, so why add a 3rd person and make it more difficult? You both need to have mutual friends.I wouldnt advise on one-one with either of you. Make ground rules in the begining.
BlackCherry Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Your partner has you right where he wants you. He can have friends of the opposite gender, but you can't. As soon as you offer to introduce him to your new friends (seeing as that was apparently the reason it's okay for him to see his female friend but not okay for you to see your male friends), he shuts you down. Accusing you of cheating with no reason to, and then coming back with 'well you'd better not complain when I do it'... really? Did you know he was this hypocritical and childish prior to this incident? I'd seriously rethink marrying a man who expected us to have different rules around who we could and couldn't socialise with, and who thought it was okay to keep me from developing new friendships when all is above board. Be careful. 4
Author mc93 Posted December 20, 2016 Author Posted December 20, 2016 Don't you have any female friends? I had two, but one moved away and I grew apart from the other one. I currently have one female friend who is a mutual friend (she's my fiance's cousin's gf). But now that I think about it when my friend who moved away comes to visit, he doesn't really like me hanging out with her because he says she's a bad influence. So currently, I only have mutual friends that stem from him.
BlackCherry Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 From the limited info you've given in both posts, he sounds quite controlling. 2
NTV Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Do you get to approve of his friends like he does yours? Also, why not try to make more female friends? 1
Author mc93 Posted December 20, 2016 Author Posted December 20, 2016 Do you get to approve of his friends like he does yours? Also, why not try to make more female friends? I don't really get to "approve" of his friends. For example, he was hanging out with his lady friend before I got to meet her. At first I did feel a little uncomfortable with him spending so much time with her, but I got to know her and I'm okay with it now. I can see why he would want to meet my guy friends, but the fact that he doesn't even want to do that seems unfair. As for female friends, I've never been one to make lots of girlfriends. I currently work in a professional setting as a director and we're not allowed to fratenize with people. I picked up my guy friends from a part time job where I'm the only girl apart from 3 older ladies ( I'm in my 20s). So aside from work where I'm at half the time, I'm not sure where else to meet female friends.
oldshirt Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 The reason he will never be completely ok with you going out with male friends is he knows that given an opportunity they will gladly hope into bed with you. I'm not saying that you have premeditated intentions of cheating or that you are not a trustworthy person. But what I am saying is if you were to ever be mad at him or feeling neglected by him and you had too much to drink and maybe your horny hormones were spiking that day - those guys would be right there ready, willing and able to hop in the sack at a moments notice. Yes, your BF is a bit controlling and may be a bit of a jerk. But no other guy is going to be completely ok with you going out with other guys all the time. Some may have more and some may have less issue with it, but no one is going to be 100% ok with it at all times. 4
Mz. Pixie Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 I have several male friends who call or text me from time to time. It is not an issue for my husband, he trusts me. I don't cross the line and they don't either.
NTV Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 I have experience with meeting new friends with the meet up app. Heard of it?
BettyDraper Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 The reason he will never be completely ok with you going out with male friends is he knows that given an opportunity they will gladly hope into bed with you. I'm not saying that you have premeditated intentions of cheating or that you are not a trustworthy person. But what I am saying is if you were to ever be mad at him or feeling neglected by him and you had too much to drink and maybe your horny hormones were spiking that day - those guys would be right there ready, willing and able to hop in the sack at a moments notice. Yes, your BF is a bit controlling and may be a bit of a jerk. But no other guy is going to be completely ok with you going out with other guys all the time. Some may have more and some may have less issue with it, but no one is going to be 100% ok with it at all times. This is very true. My husband doesn't want me to have male friends for the reasons you eloquently outlined, however he also refuses to have female friends because he never expects anything of me that he isn't willing to do himself. I'm concerned that the OP is going to marry a man who believes that he has the right to choose her friends regardless of their gender. The accusations of cheating just because the OP wanted to spend time alone and taunting her with threats that he'll do the same are manipulative. He also has completely different standards for his behavior. These are warning signs for an abusive relationship. 1
BluesPower Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 Betty and OS are correct on both counts... I have many female friends at work and other places. Frankly I would bang any of them if they asked me to. But I would be concerned about messing up the friendship with my close friends. But, your BF is being a jerk about his female friend. Your future marriage is something that you need to really think about with this guy.
oldshirt Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 (edited) I agree the BF is being a bit of a controlling, manipulative jerk. I'm just saying that there is a reason guys get a little apprehensive about their wives/GFs going out with male "friends." All it takes is for their W/GF to be feeling a little neglected/lonely/angry/unappreciated/disrespected etc etc etc etc one night and then mix in a few too many drinks and a little spike in the hormones etc and the "friend" will be right there ready, willing and able. Some guys will be less jerkish and controlling about it, but no guy is going to be perfectly ok with it all the time. Edited December 21, 2016 by oldshirt 2
oldshirt Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 I have many female friends at work and other places. Frankly I would bang any of them if they asked me to. But I would be concerned about messing up the friendship with my close friends. . ...and there is a little bit of a double standard in that for most guys most of the time, their women "friends" aren't going to be asking at any particular moment. Most of the time a guy will be with his lady 'friends' and the women aren't going to be DTF. All those other stars have to be lined up just right before a guy will be hooking up with his women friends and that may or may not ever occur.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 At first I did feel a little uncomfortable with him spending so much time with her, but I got to know her and I'm okay with it now. I can see why he would want to meet my guy friends, but the fact that he doesn't even want to do that seems unfair. You don't say how long you've been together but you both seem somewhat preoccupied with other people. Before kids came along (their effect on your social life another whole topic), usually when I "hung out" or went to the movies, my wife was involved. We might also go with others but, as a couple, we did most things together. Is there a reason you both do so many things without your SO? Mr. Lucky
Author mc93 Posted December 21, 2016 Author Posted December 21, 2016 You don't say how long you've been together but you both seem somewhat preoccupied with other people. Is there a reason you both do so many things without your SO? Mr. Lucky I have known my SO for 10 years and were close friends prior to getting together. He works three 12s and has two extra days off, the same schedule as his lady friend, so they'll get together while I'm at work or hang out after work. I've gone out on many occasions with his friends and know them pretty well. In fact, that's the reason why I wanted to go to the movies by myself, because I feel like when I'm not at work, I'm constantly hanging out with my SO with or without his friends/family. I love him dearly, but I'm a bit of an introvert and wanted some me time. But then bringing up my male friend lead my SO to suspect I wasn't going out alone (which I was). In fact, I've never hung out with this guy. He just suggested we go out for coffee or dinner and I figured it was no big deal if I told my SO.
carolann Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 I think the most important thing is that you are both on the same page, whatever that page may be, and you're not. You need to discuss boundaries and agree before moving forward with wedding plans. Good luck! 1
Poutrew Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 (edited) I have known my SO for 10 years and were close friends prior to getting together. He works three 12s and has two extra days off, the same schedule as his lady friend, so they'll get together while I'm at work or hang out after work. I've gone out on many occasions with his friends and know them pretty well. In fact, that's the reason why I wanted to go to the movies by myself, because I feel like when I'm not at work, I'm constantly hanging out with my SO with or without his friends/family. I love him dearly, but I'm a bit of an introvert and wanted some me time. But then bringing up my male friend lead my SO to suspect I wasn't going out alone (which I was). In fact, I've never hung out with this guy. He just suggested we go out for coffee or dinner and I figured it was no big deal if I told my SO. Well, OP. I'd say you are doing an excellent job of asserting yourself in your present relationship. Much happiness in your future marriage - only it wont be with the present guy you are with. You said above, that you sometimes need to have alone time - time away from your SO. So now you want to give up your alone time to hang with some 'frat boys'? This doesn't make sense, and your boyfriend, who knows you, knows this doesn't make any sense - from his point of view you really are cheating on him because he is seeing you willingly spend time you say you needed to be alone with some orbiters instead. And, no matter how you dismiss it, those guys you are hanging with are orbiters - believe it when I tell you that off work, they are just a bunch of horny guys who will not hesitate to bang you if they get the chance - when a woman goes out with a man for 'dinner and coffee', she is going out on a date...I predict that if you continue to assert yourself in this manner, within the year you will be back here with a new post explaining how you cheated on your fiancé, but didn't meant to do it (too much alcohol, got into an argument with BF and sought comfort from your 'friend' and things just got out of hand...etc.). Just remember, whatever happens, it will be the result of a decision you make now - but just admit it, you feel really good about the attention you are getting from your male coworkers, and wont let your boyfriend stop you, right? See, I get this from how dismissive you were about being friends with the 'old ladies' you also work with - you are basically writing off the 'geritol set' for the younger, hornier, crowd. Heck, some of those 'old ladies' may in fact live fascinating lives, but you wont ever find out due to your dismissiveness... Edited December 21, 2016 by Poutrew
Popsicle Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 (edited) You don't need to have male "friends" and he needs to get rid of his female "friends" too. All adults go thru periods of making or having to make new friends. Get used to it, it's a valuable skill to learn in life. and now that you're married, just get some female friends. You can avoid upsetting your male coworkers by agreeing to hang out with them in a group setting. Never alone and no becoming text BFF's. Edited December 21, 2016 by Popsicle
Mr. Lucky Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 In fact, I've never hung out with this guy. He just suggested we go out for coffee or dinner and I figured it was no big deal if I told my SO. Sounds suspiciously like a date... Mr. Lucky
Author mc93 Posted December 21, 2016 Author Posted December 21, 2016 Sounds suspiciously like a date... Mr. Lucky I told my SO I wouldn't go out with my friend but of course now he's saying, "do whatever you want. I don't care." I'm not going to do it, regardless, because it seems to be an issue for him. Now, I'm not trying to be defensive, but why would it be a "date" to hang out with a new friend but not when I went to dinner with an old male friend? Or when my SO goes out with his lady friend? I'm just curious about the double standard.
BluesPower Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 It is a date if...A male and a female go to dinner. Coffee is coffee. Now some people may be ok with that, but I am not when I am in a committed relationship. Too much can happen.
oldshirt Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 It's ok to go out with a variety of guys, date and even take dudes home from the bar. The real question is why be engaged and why would you want to marry one guy if you are interested in these other men?
Author mc93 Posted December 21, 2016 Author Posted December 21, 2016 You said above, that you sometimes need to have alone time - time away from your SO. So now you want to give up your alone time to hang with some 'frat boys'? I don't plan on giving up my alone time. When I was honest about possibly hanging out with my guy friend, he flipped out, and then refused to believe I went to the movies alone earlier that day. I have since said I wouldn't hang out with my male friend, but now I'm afraid he won't let me go out alone in general, all because I brought up having a male friend.
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