Ashleycaligirl Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 First time poster here. My fiance and I are getting married next month and he recently moved in. We went through a rough patch last May where I was contacted by a girl saying he was cheating on me with her. He had sought her out on Tinder. I stupidly forgave him and decided to move on because he was proving himself to be trustworthy and has done the work to gain my trust back. This is just a back story to show why I might be concerned about what I found today. He has an old phone from when he switched over about 2 months ago and I was curious about what was on the old one (yes, I know, invasion of privacy). It was mostly benign stuff, because almost everything had been deleted (including text messages and stuff). What I did find was a complete list he had made of everyone he's slept with. This is fine. I have a past and it doesn't concern me the number of women he was with before me. What does concern me is that there are MANY of these women that he still snapchats and communicates with on social media, claiming they are just old friends. We've both discussed deleting past flings from our lives, in order to keep trust, and this was especially important for him to do, since he cheated on me. I'm pretty upset about this because he's recently been talking to them (as "friends") and this was well after he said he would delete anyone from his past who was someone he had sex with. What do I do? I am not sure if I should confront him. And I'm certainly not sure that I can marry someone who obviously continues to hide things from me. Help! 1
VeveCakes Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Do not marry this man. He has already shown he is a liar and a cheat. Now you have proof of this again. This is a sign NOT to marry this man. 11
DarrenB Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 I cannot process in my mind how some people can bestow so much grief and insecurity upon their significant other and expect to get everything good as possible out of it, I mean marriage with someone like that? It's a calamity waiting to happen. This is something/someone you will potentially have to spend the rest of your entire life with, you need to ask yourself, is that constant feeling he could be deceitful and you're oblivious to that really worth it? I get the whole 'People change' aspect but I think that stems from personal, mental and emotional development, not cheating and hiding things from your partner type of thing. I say call off the wedding unless you feel the connection between the two of you is really that prominent and you can sense a change in him completely. 3
O'Malley Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 It sounds like you looked through his phone to confirm your decision that this was no longer a good relationship, so why even consider staying with someone whose actions constantly make you feel insecure and suspicious? Marriage would just crystallize the issues you already have with him. Confronting is a wasted effort, you already have the evidence of his behavior. He'll either get defensive or act contrite and promise to change his ways; you've heard it before. Get your things in order, let him know the relationship/engagement is over and give him a few days to move out. Vent to your friends; the important thing with him is that he moves out so that you can move on. 2
GoreSP Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Keeping contact with past flings isn't problematic...what bothers me here is that he asked you to cut off contact with past flings, promised he would do it too but didn't. I also believe that from the moment one snoops in their partner's phone, the relationship is over. If you confront him, you admit you invaded his privacy, which will cause him to be more careful with his phone which will cause you to be more suspicious and that is just a downward spiral from there. But to be honest I would have dumped him after the Tinder thing... 2
elaine567 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Too many come on here with a cheating husband and it usually transpires that he cheated before they got married, sometimes even more than once, but she forgave him as she loves him soooo much and she wanted to get married and he said he would never do it again... Had she dumped him the first time she was young free and single No big deal she can move on easily, now she is lumbered with babies, kids, a mortgage and a divorce, or she smiles sweetly whilst he continually breaks her heart . This guy is NOT marriage material. Guys who really want to get married are not trawling about on Tinder searching for other women, are they? Reality check needed. 3
Author Ashleycaligirl Posted December 20, 2016 Author Posted December 20, 2016 I've been divorced from my ex husband for 3 years who cheated on me for a year while I was home raising our child, so I know how bad it can get. I guess i know in my heart that this is shady and he isn't trustworthy. I just needed to hear it. Also, I did look at his internet history on that phone and he was googling a lot about stds and the symptoms and things. This was long after we'd both been checked from him cheating. 1
Gaeta Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 I've been divorced from my ex husband for 3 years who cheated on me for a year while I was home raising our child, so I know how bad it can get. I guess i know in my heart that this is shady and he isn't trustworthy. I just needed to hear it. Also, I did look at his internet history on that phone and he was googling a lot about stds and the symptoms and things. This was long after we'd both been checked from him cheating. Knowing that you've been cheated on before Why would you even take this man back after Tinder !! Cancel everything. Give him this week only to move out. He needs to be out before Xmas. He can go crash on one of his FB friend's couch. 3
Mr. Lucky Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 I snooped and now I'm regretting it Seems a more appropriate title would be "I snooped and now I'm happy i did". Once you've been cheated on, all bets are off. Sounds like you've saved yourself years of heartbreak, aggravation and expense ... Mr. Lucky 7
elaine567 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Also, I did look at his internet history on that phone and he was googling a lot about stds and the symptoms and things.. As we all do whenever we get a spare moment... 1
Author Ashleycaligirl Posted December 20, 2016 Author Posted December 20, 2016 Well, as if things couldn't get any worse... I questioned him with just a "have you been with anyone else since the tinder girl? I have some information and it's killing me. I can live with the truth but not a lie". He ended up fessing up that when we had a fight in September, he got drunk and slept with someone else. 1
Satu Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Well, as if things couldn't get any worse... I questioned him with just a "have you been with anyone else since the tinder girl? I have some information and it's killing me. I can live with the truth but not a lie". *He ended up fessing up that when we had a fight in September, he got drunk and slept with someone else. *If you don't part company with him at this point, you really don't love yourself enough. The guy is a scoundrel. Take care. 3
elaine567 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Well, as if things couldn't get any worse... I questioned him with just a "have you been with anyone else since the tinder girl? I have some information and it's killing me. I can live with the truth but not a lie". He ended up fessing up that when we had a fight in September, he got drunk and slept with someone else. I reiterate. This guy is NOT marriage material. 3
Shining One Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 This guy is NOT marriage material.I would venture to say he's not relationship material. If anyone's first instinct is to go screw someone else when you have a fight, they should remain single and just date casually. 4
Author Ashleycaligirl Posted December 20, 2016 Author Posted December 20, 2016 Well I told him that he needs to find a place to live, asap. He's trying to tell me he isn't at fault entirely because he was drunk and didn't mean to do it. F*** this guy. I am done. He's freaking out, as he should be. 5
VeveCakes Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Ugh...that is awful. Im sorry this has happened...but better now than after the wedding bells. Hugs. 3
LexiCat29 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Well I told him that he needs to find a place to live, asap. He's trying to tell me he isn't at fault entirely because he was drunk and didn't mean to do it. F*** this guy. I am done. He's freaking out, as he should be. I'm so sorry Ashley, but you are definitely doing the right thing. Good for you for being so strong! Also, have you been tested for STDs since you saw that? Because if he was Googling symptoms, that probably means he HAD those symptoms..which means that he knowingly and willingly passed whatever he has along to you..which is absolutely vile. 3
elaine567 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 I'm so sorry Ashley, but you are definitely doing the right thing. Good for you for being so strong! Also, have you been tested for STDs since you saw that? Because if he was Googling symptoms, that probably means he HAD those symptoms..which means that he knowingly and willingly passed whatever he has along to you..which is absolutely vile. ...and as a woman you may be completely symptomless. I agree get checked asap. 3
Mr. Lucky Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 Well I told him that he needs to find a place to live, asap. He's trying to tell me he isn't at fault entirely because he was drunk and didn't mean to do it. F*** this guy. I am done. He's freaking out, as he should be. Boy, have you dodged a bullet. You could easily be married to and pregnant by this player with the obvious attending complications. Move on... Mr. Lucky 1
Author Ashleycaligirl Posted December 21, 2016 Author Posted December 21, 2016 I am definitely getting tested, just to be safe. I got home last night and he was crying and begging me, of course. I already told him that nothing would change my mind at this point. He was wanting me to talk to his mom, who his dad cheated on and she stayed with him. I said no, because I have self respect and I won't be that woman 30 years down the line with a terrible life and no self esteem. He keeps telling me that other than the times i know about, he's been 100% faithful. I literally laughed about that. As if that matters at all, or I even believe him. I literally said that I no longer wanted him or the relationship and that he needs to move out and move on asap. He says he'll never give up on me, no matter how long it takes. Seems like a waste to me, but if he wants to use energy towards a lost cause, well whatever. Thank you guys for your support. I've already been training for a fitness competition next year and now I just have more motivation to do that and be at my best. I also have a 6 year old (who adores him) and I will be giving her extra attention because she will be very upset to see him leave her life. Sadly, I get to deal with the most fallout because of his actions. My hurt heart and my daughter's. 3
VeveCakes Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 He keeps telling me that other than the times i know about, he's been 100% faithful. I literally laughed about that. As if that matters at all, or I even believe him. I literally said that I no longer wanted him or the relationship and that he needs to move out and move on asap. He says he'll never give up on me, no matter how long it takes. Seems like a waste to me, but if he wants to use energy towards a lost cause, well whatever. Too bad he couldn't have used that energy for good when he actually had you. Good for you for standing your ground. You deserve much much more than this!
Recommended Posts