Young, asking about strange situation

[BeeT]

I have been/was seeing a guy for three months. Things were going well, very casual, we got along and had good attraction for each other. We saw each other maybe 2-3 times a week; this was all fine by me as I like my independence and we are also both extremely young. I am not looking for anything serious, and I assumed he wasn't either, so all we good.

 

However, the one problem is that we have not had sex. Things do get heated between us, and I was beginning to grow frustrated with lack of sex and his excuses. However he told me we would, set a date that he would come over. I was content with this.

 

On the day he does not get in touch that evening. I assume he is busy, and text him the following morning asking him to see me that day (this is before I leave on a trip for 3 weeks). After a considerable while (5-6 hours) he says sorry and that he had been drinking the night before, and that he had only just received my messages. I reply and say I am leaving soon and would like to know if he is coming over. No reply. I call him and get ignored. I then send a message saying that I am tired of trying to get in touch, and that I need time whilst I am away to think about things. He replies within the hour saying a bunch of nice stuff and apologising but also that he cannot be in a serious relationship right now for reasons he can explain. He mentions wanting to meet up again after xmas.

I respond telling him that I had never wanted a serious relationship in the first place, and was happy with how everything had been going but that lack of sex was frustrating me and that I was annoyed he would not see me before I left. I tell him to explain his issues with being serious to me and to be honest, and that I need time to think things over in the meantime. I also reinforce that I do not like playing games, being led on or lied to or not being direct and reading between the lines.

 

This was two, going on three days ago now and I have not received a reply. I know he is probably taking time to think over things (as am I). Everything in his last messages indicates that he does not want to stop seeing each other, and if things can remain casual I would also like to continue seeing eachother. However his silence has made me wary, but I have decided not to contact him again now, since the ball is in his court.

 

I am a little sad because I thought i had met someone with the same laidback attitude to wanting a relationship as me, only to realise that he has now seriously rocked the boat. I don't know if his feelings were deepening towards me or anything, but I was and am definitely not in love with him. I enjoy his company and find him attractive, and that was everything I was looking for in a casual situation at this point in my life. (He also has a bunch of childhood issues he opened up to me about, so i don't know if these somehow factor in...). At this point I would honestly just like to know what his problems are (so I can decide if it is worth my time in what I am getting myself into), and where we stand as the uncertainty is beginning to annoy me. I am also now a little confused myself, and don't know whether to call it quits or try and go back to how things were after talking to him.

 

Also he has ignored me once before, and the second I put my foot down and expressed my annoyance at this came running back, apologising with his tail between his legs. Don't know if this gives perspective.

 

Basically I am very confused! Would appreciate advice from those older and more experienced...and sorry for such a long rambling post, thanks to anyone who took the time to read.

[PegNosePete]

When you say "young", how young do you mean?

[basil67]

BeeT, there's a fine line between wanting casual, laid back dating and having not a lot of interest. The man who gives you the low contact you desire may be doing so because he's not so interested in you.

 

Not saying that what you want is impossible to find, but it's certainly going to make it harder to gauge genuine interest. Also, someone who wants a laid back thing will probably be more flaky than someone who gives you lots of time and commitment.

 

For these reasons, I cannot begin to guess what's going on in his head.

[BeeT]

When you say "young", how young do you mean?

 

18-20 years old.

 

BeeT, there's a fine line between wanting casual, laid back dating and having not a lot of interest. The man who gives you the low contact you desire may be doing so because he's not so interested in you.

 

Not saying that what you want is impossible to find, but it's certainly going to make it harder to gauge genuine interest. Also, someone who wants a laid back thing will probably be more flaky than someone who gives you lots of time and commitment.

 

For these reasons, I cannot begin to guess what's going on in his head.

The thing is, this man did give me a lot of interest, quite consistently. He would initiate plans and conversations with me all the time. Just periodically begin pulling away a little when he felt things were getting too serious or his feelings were deepening I guess...perhaps I should've made my genuine desires clearer sooner?

 

He's rarely been flaky at all, and has always been considerate and kind to me. I like this, but in the three months we saw each other I never bought up the whole 'what are we' conversation about being his 'girlfriend'...simply because I was never interested in this kind of relationship. The lack of sex was beginning to frustrate and annoy me though.

[PegNosePete]

Most 18-20 year olds would give their right arm to get some sex. Yet he is turning down a free and easy offer for some.

 

Not wanting a serious for reasons he "can't explain" has RED FLAG written all over it. Most obvious reason would be that he's already in a relationship with someone else. This would also explain his lack of desire for sex. He may be planning to split up with her after Christmas which would explain why he wants to meet up again after.

 

So yeah, I would say on balance of probabilities he's seeing someone else.

[basil67]

You know it's entirely possible that he just sees you as a good friend. That he's not sexually attracted to you.

Edited December 20, 2016 by basil67

[BeeT]

Most 18-20 year olds would give their right arm to get some sex. Yet he is turning down a free and easy offer for some.

 

Not wanting a serious for reasons he "can't explain" has RED FLAG written all over it. Most obvious reason would be that he's already in a relationship with someone else. This would also explain his lack of desire for sex. He may be planning to split up with her after Christmas which would explain why he wants to meet up again after.

 

So yeah, I would say on balance of probabilities he's seeing someone else.

 

He told me he 'can explain' (I think you misread my post), but that he wasn't really sure if I really wanted to know. He mentions wanting to have sex with me, and initiates intimate contact all the time, but I am starting to think that sex means more emotional intimacy for him, so perhaps that is why he is avoiding it. I am pretty positive he is not seeing or in a relationship with someone- at least in person where we live. However, now that you mention it, it could well be possible he is long distance with someone else and has not told me (though he's never been secretive with his facebook messages or social media or anything).

 

You know it's entirely possible that he just sees you as a good friend. That he's not sexually attracted to you.

Perhaps he wants to revert back to this, but I know there is sexual attraction since he was the one initially pursing me and we fool around all the time together. He was also very physically affectionate towards me.

 

Thanks both for your replies. Very confusing situation, I agree.

[basil67]

Here's another thought: Could he actually want a relationship? If he wants one and you don't, it could explain him pulling back if he gets close to you.

[BeeT]

Here's another thought: Could he actually want a relationship? If he wants one and you don't, it could explain him pulling back if he gets close to you.

 

Possibly? He told me three days ago though that he was worried things would become serious with us and that he couldn't do this at the moment. He said he didn't want to 'spoil things down the line' as 'it'd be worse for both of us' and that he 'didn't want to ruin this' or 'lie.' (I am quoting exact words here). So cryptic! And yet I haven't heard any response since I texted him my reply three days ago.

 

When I read his line about not wanting to be serious, I thought 'okay good; me neither.' I told him that a serious relationship was not my top priority at this age, and that I had been happy with how things are going, with the exception of lack of sex. I also told him to come clean to me with his reasons about why he couldn't be in a serious relationship right now. I would like to know these, as it would help me understand his feelings better, and also help me to understand if it is right for us to continue seeing each other, or if he cannot help getting too emotionally involved.

[PegNosePete]

And yet I haven't heard any response since I texted him my reply three days ago.

Well, I think silence speaks volumes. My guess is that he was hoping his cryptic, vague answers would throw you off and stop you chasing answers. But when you asked for more info he doesn't know what to say. Why hasn't he just told you the truth... is a very good question.

[BeeT]

Well, I think silence speaks volumes. My guess is that he was hoping his cryptic, vague answers would throw you off and stop you chasing answers. But when you asked for more info he doesn't know what to say. Why hasn't he just told you the truth... is a very good question.

 

I agree with you. I think I need some space to think now, as I am beginning to have doubts about whether this really is worth my time (even if it manages to stay as casual as I hoped). In the mean time I have no plans to contact him again, or demand answers. I have stated my wishes and I will give him time to come around to them if he so decides. Do you think this is wise?

[anika99]

I'm actually a little puzzled by you OP. You seem more invested in this guy then you should be considering that you have only been seeing him for 3 months and you say you are not looking for a serious relationship.

 

Bottom line is that if you are looking for a casual relationship that includes sex, this is not your guy and I'm wondering why you are even still seeing him.

[BeeT]

I'm actually a little puzzled by you OP. You seem more invested in this guy then you should be considering that you have only been seeing him for 3 months and you say you are not looking for a serious relationship.

 

Bottom line is that if you are looking for a casual relationship that includes sex, this is not your guy and I'm wondering why you are even still seeing him.

 

Thanks for your insight. You are right, I do need to think through things.

[stillafool]

There's no reason that a 20 year old man would turn down sex with a girl unless he is sexually active with someone else and then he still might get the extra. OP if you have been seeing him for 3 months and he doesn't want sex from you something is wrong. He is still putting you off. If you are only looking for a casual relationship find someone else. This guy has extremely low interest in you.

[VeveCakes]

He probably has a gf....or maybe hes a virgin and nervous.

 

I agree with it being said, OP if you want casual, then you aren't acting that way. Go on your trip, forget about him, and see what happens when you return.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm actually a little puzzled by you OP. You seem more invested in this guy then you should be considering that you have only been seeing him for 3 months and you say you are not looking for a serious relationship.

 

Bottom line is that if you are looking for a casual relationship that includes sex, this is not your guy and I'm wondering why you are even still seeing him.

 

Exactly! Took the words right out of my mouth.

[BeeT]

So previously I posted this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/606565-young-asking-about-strange-situation

 

We began talking again, with him initiating and being flirtatious. However I did not flirt back too much, and was busy on holiday so I ended the conversation. We have a couple days of silence, exchange happy new years, then nearly a week of silence. I contact him, he responds promptly and kindly, and I end the conversation. No contact since Wednesday.

 

Where do I go from here, since we are going to be back at uni on monday? Do I simply smile and say hi like nothing happened? Do I confront him? Do I treat him politely, but try to move on? Thanks for reading!

[Leigh 87]

Leave it alone.

 

He is just not into you.

 

When a guy is very interested, he initiates contact, he asks to see you. Even introverts and shy guys don't wish to spend days and days with no contact.

 

There is absolutely no way this guy is into you behind thinking you're hot potentially.

[kidm]

He is not interested in taking things further. It's a little confusing that you are so invested in having a casual relationship with a guy who looks to have very low interest in you. I am sure there guys out there who would love to be in a casual relationship with you and have sex. This guy is not the one. He knows you're interested and the ball is in his court. Good luck!

[Gracieboo]

I dont want to give you a false hope but my first impression after reading your post is that this guy is a virgin and trying to keep you around while not ready to have sex yet. I might be completwly wrong but it doesn't make sense to keep you arpund if he wasn't attracted to you. And sone guys would have sex even if they don't find the girl that attractive. And I believe this is not the case with this guy, he does find you at least somewhat attractive. Did he ever respond to your long text, you sent before leaving the town?

[DarrenB]

Where do I go from here, since we are going to be back at uni on monday? Do I simply smile and say hi like nothing happened? Do I confront him? Do I treat him politely, but try to move on? Thanks for reading!

 

Confront him about what? You've stated that you both don't initiate conversations further on most occasions, and when you do converse it's very temporary and not considered to be on a recurring basis. There's nothing to confront.

 

I think you're both too afraid to suggest that whatever is happening between the two of you, needs to be halted immediately and to be taken no further. He's given you a reaction which would assume that through silence, likewise with yourself.

 

It's best you leave this alone now, and if things escalate again in time then they will, but for now it's not worth all these silly little provocations to be made then to just stop on a continuous basis.

[Redhead14]

I have been/was seeing a guy for three months. Things were going well, very casual, we got along and had good attraction for each other. We saw each other maybe 2-3 times a week; this was all fine by me as I like my independence and we are also both extremely young. I am not looking for anything serious, and I assumed he wasn't either, so all we good.

 

However, the one problem is that we have not had sex. Things do get heated between us, and I was beginning to grow frustrated with lack of sex and his excuses. However he told me we would, set a date that he would come over. I was content with this.

 

On the day he does not get in touch that evening. I assume he is busy, and text him the following morning asking him to see me that day (this is before I leave on a trip for 3 weeks). After a considerable while (5-6 hours) he says sorry and that he had been drinking the night before, and that he had only just received my messages. I reply and say I am leaving soon and would like to know if he is coming over. No reply. I call him and get ignored. I then send a message saying that I am tired of trying to get in touch, and that I need time whilst I am away to think about things. He replies within the hour saying a bunch of nice stuff and apologising but also that he cannot be in a serious relationship right now for reasons he can explain. He mentions wanting to meet up again after xmas.

I respond telling him that I had never wanted a serious relationship in the first place, and was happy with how everything had been going but that lack of sex was frustrating me and that I was annoyed he would not see me before I left. I tell him to explain his issues with being serious to me and to be honest, and that I need time to think things over in the meantime. I also reinforce that I do not like playing games, being led on or lied to or not being direct and reading between the lines.

 

This was two, going on three days ago now and I have not received a reply. I know he is probably taking time to think over things (as am I). Everything in his last messages indicates that he does not want to stop seeing each other, and if things can remain casual I would also like to continue seeing eachother. However his silence has made me wary, but I have decided not to contact him again now, since the ball is in his court.

 

I am a little sad because I thought i had met someone with the same laidback attitude to wanting a relationship as me, only to realise that he has now seriously rocked the boat. I don't know if his feelings were deepening towards me or anything, but I was and am definitely not in love with him. I enjoy his company and find him attractive, and that was everything I was looking for in a casual situation at this point in my life. (He also has a bunch of childhood issues he opened up to me about, so i don't know if these somehow factor in...). At this point I would honestly just like to know what his problems are (so I can decide if it is worth my time in what I am getting myself into), and where we stand as the uncertainty is beginning to annoy me. I am also now a little confused myself, and don't know whether to call it quits or try and go back to how things were after talking to him.

 

Also he has ignored me once before, and the second I put my foot down and expressed my annoyance at this came running back, apologising with his tail between his legs. Don't know if this gives perspective.

 

Basically I am very confused! Would appreciate advice from those older and more experienced...and sorry for such a long rambling post, thanks to anyone who took the time to read.

 

You want and have a casual/non-relationship yet you are treating/expecting it to be, at least, more like a relationship.

 

The man is content, at least, with the way things are with no sex. You two don't have the same desires for each other plain and simple. Yeah, he comes running when you put your foot down because he's at least content and it's easier than dating other women.

 

In this case, especially, you've told him what you want/need from him. You now leave it to him to decide what he's going to do. Don't reach out or chase him. The more you harp on, push him, re-hash the less likely he is to consider things further. A man, who is in a casual relationship and has clearly said he doesn't want a relationship will not put up with much "noise" from a woman.

 

All this being said, I'd just keep moving forward for myself. Date other men and find one who wants what you want -- casual, sexual relationship.

[Saracena]

I dont want to give you a false hope but my first impression after reading your post is that this guy is a virgin and trying to keep you around while not ready to have sex yet. I might be completwly wrong but it doesn't make sense to keep you arpund if he wasn't attracted to you. And sone guys would have sex even if they don't find the girl that attractive. And I believe this is not the case with this guy, he does find you at least somewhat attractive. Did he ever respond to your long text, you sent before leaving the town?

 

Actually, this was my first impression as well. Or alternatively, something is scaring him eg his performance etc. Perhaps he's perceives you are being far more experienced than him. So instead of coming out and admitting this he responds by saying he's not looking for anything serious.............then your own response of wanting only casual results in him pulling away further.

 

Alternatively, he may well equate sex with a serious relationship and if this is the case, it would explain why he's backing off from a full sexual relationship. Is he religious, for instance? Actually, I'm beginning to believe this is in all likelihood what is actually happening here. I really don't believe he's not attracted to you though.

 

OP you've mentioned in your first post you were tired of his excuses for not going the whole way. What were these? How far would be normally go before halting things?

 

ETA I've just read about his 'childhood issues'? Can you elaborate a bit more here?

Edited January 14, 2017 by Saracena
Additional info

[BeeT]

I dont want to give you a false hope but my first impression after reading your post is that this guy is a virgin and trying to keep you around while not ready to have sex yet. I might be completwly wrong but it doesn't make sense to keep you arpund if he wasn't attracted to you. And sone guys would have sex even if they don't find the girl that attractive. And I believe this is not the case with this guy, he does find you at least somewhat attractive. Did he ever respond to your long text, you sent before leaving the town?

 

No he did not, he just struck up conversation on Christmas day, then followed up a few days later, flirting like nothing had happened between us. I kept my responses quite short yet cordial (since I was on holiday and still feeling a little confused). Basically I'm back now (It's been around 1 month since we've seen each other), and aside from a few texts about once a week we've had little contact. I know there are plenty of other guys out there who can give me what I want, and honestly I am not that invested in this anymore. If he were to pick up the ball again, I would consider it but we'd need to have an honest conversation with each other.

The main problem was that we didn't really act casual- I realised I was just going along for the ride without making it clear I was only ever interested in a casual situation and he might've thought it was getting too serious for him (he did act really loving and like a boyfriend at times).

My main question is what to do when we inevitably run into each other at school next week. We did have a great friendship, and I miss being friends. I don't want to appear cold towards him, but at the same time do not want to appear too eager/desperate to receive his attention again.

[BeeT]

Actually, this was my first impression as well. Or alternatively, something is scaring him eg his performance etc. Perhaps he's perceives you are being far more experienced than him. So instead of coming out and admitting this he responds by saying he's not looking for anything serious.............then your own response of wanting only casual results in him pulling away further.

 

Alternatively, he may well equate sex with a serious relationship and if this is the case, it would explain why he's backing off from a full sexual relationship. Is he religious, for instance? Actually, I'm beginning to believe this is in all likelihood what is actually happening here. I really don't believe he's not attracted to you though.

 

OP you've mentioned in your first post you were tired of his excuses for not going the whole way. What were these? How far would be normally go before halting things?

 

ETA I've just read about his 'childhood issues'? Can you elaborate a bit more here?

I think you are right. Can I PM you with further details? (I wouldn't like to publicise his private issues online).

 

My main question is what to do when we inevitably run into each other at school next week. We did have a great friendship, and I miss being friends. I don't want to appear cold towards him, but at the same time do not want to appear too eager/desperate to receive his attention again. I'd also quite like my friend back (we are at uni together, so we had more of a friendship going on at the same time too)

Edited January 15, 2017 by BeeT