Getting into the Dating Game

[MineEyes11]

I'm going to try and keep this short because, this could be a long post. Simply put, I am in my early 30s and I want to start dating. I have never really dated in my whole life.

 

I am not kidding...I have never been on a date before, and I am 32. I am going to be honest, I have no clue where to begin. I am not under any circumstances going to do online dating. So I basically don't know where to begin.

 

I suppose this is a really open ended question type of post. But I basically am looking for any and all advice relating to how to get into the dating game. Specially for someone as old as I am. I am 32 and I don't really see what my options are at this point.

 

Should I just look into escort services in my local area? LOL. I'm only half joking about that. Ha ha ha....OK maybe like one third joking LOL...OK we'll call it one fourth joking.

 

Seriously, I look up stuff about dating these days. I read stuff from pick up artists and relationship/dating coaches and "wing girls " etc. etc. and it all just sounds so overwhelming that I am tempted to not even try and deal with all of this. It all just seems way too much for me.

[Blackened Heart]

Find a hobby (that you will actually enjoy) and has the potential of having women (I'm assuming you are a guy here) that you can interact with and talk to.

 

When you are out, make sure you look good and clean. That doesn't mean having to wear expensive clothes like a suit or anything like that. But wear good, clean looking clothes that are not all wrinkled, or old and ragged looking. Make sure you are freshly showered, and if you wear cologne, go easy on it, just a bit to where you can barely smell it and someone has to get close to you to get a better smell of it.

 

That truly is what there is to dating, go out, do things you enjoy, and look like you can take care of yourself and are clean. Women tend to like a guy that is passionate about something, and in turn it makes it easy to approach and talk to them.

[TheTraveler]

Seriously, I look up stuff about dating these days. I read stuff from pick up artists and relationship/dating coaches and "wing girls " etc. etc. and it all just sounds so overwhelming that I am tempted to not even try and deal with all of this. It all just seems way too much for me.

 

Why is finding more knowledge about dating a bad thing?

 

If this is your attitude, you're going to continue the same path you're currently on which is nothing

[morrowrd]

What is your hang up over online dating? That has to be the most efficient and easiest way to meet members of the opposite sex, in history.

[angel.eyes]

I was going to ask your gender, but you mentioned escorts as a potential solution. So, I'll assume you're male. Escorts won't teach you how to date or be a boyfriend. Quite the opposite.

 

Find a hobby--something you genuinely enjoy--that puts you in contact with lots of women and encourages interaction with relative strangers. For example: salsa dance parties or classes, coed sports, hiking groups, biking groups, etc.

 

Why didn't you date in your twenties? Sharing that back story will help us give you better advice.

[MineEyes11]

I'm so stupid...yes I am a guy lol

 

And I do actually have some hobbies. As far as reading up on material about dating, I don't think that it's bad...it's just that when I read some of it, all the things that I have to do and it can feel overwhelming at times. And also a little confusing because it says things about how you should act, how you should dress, how you should think, how you should talk and then after all that...it tells you to just be yourself LOL.

 

And as far as the online dating... I have never heard any good stories about it from a guys perspective...such as guys who have been on various dating sites for well over a year and haven't had anything happen to them and these are guys that have spent time and effort into putting their profiles together and aren't just lazily going about it. And I also know that women very understandably on dating sites are very cautious about the guys that the meet, so the women are hard to meet on these sites because they are sort of on guard. So I just don't think it would go very well for me.

 

So OK a little backstory. I'm 32 and I have never actually gone on what I would call a date. Now back in college over a decade ago, I did have about half a dozen random hook ups. But that was college and the girls that I hooked up with were drunk and desperate and made things very easy on me.I know this might sound chauvinistic but they basically threw themselves at me and that was the only way I could tell if a girl liked me. Basically the girl had to make the first move before for I would and even after that she had to make the second and third move LOL.

 

Other than those handful of random drunken college hook ups. I've had absolutely no experience with women other than that. I have two business degrees, I do relatively well for myself professionally. I am actually very clean-cut I dress well. Without being too vain or narcissistic about it I do take pride in my appearance I work out almost every day and I'm in very good shape and I tend to dress very nice usually business casual. You know....button-down shirt, tie, slacks...all very nicely pressed and clean. I'm tall 6 foot 2...190 maybe 195 pounds, athletic build, dark features because I'm Italian. Facial hair that is somewhere in between stubble and beard, I trim it and keep it nice. And someone mentioned cologne? I do wear cologne but not like most guys ...I don't drown myself in it. Lol A little spritz here and there and to be honest I have at multiple times have had random women tell me that I smell good so I guess that's a good point LOL. Honestly I don't think it has anything to do with my looks.... women don't really care about looks that much anyway when you get right down to it.

 

I struggle socially. To be honest since my mid-20s all my college friends have drifted apart. And outside of family I don't have any friends. As pathetic as that is to admit. I do OK at work I'm fairly social at work but I don't hang out with my coworkers outside of work. I love sports and I play lots of sports and the people that I've gotten to know through sports or going to the gym ...I am good with them in those settings but again I don't hang out with them outside of that environment. I do get around and I am social in these situations but as far as going to parties or being invited out for drinks ....with things like that, it just doesn't happen. that aspect of my social life is completely Nollen void.

 

I am very well aware that I need to develop myself so to speak. I need to get friends first and foremost before I really worry about dating. But at my age it's becoming a little tricky to do that.

[butterfly84]

hey there - from reading your posts i think we have some things in common. i have not dated much either but my backstory is i was in LTRs for most of my adulthood. it can be daunting to think of how to meet people when you're our age if you don't want to do online dating (which i don't want to do online dating either).

 

anyway, from how you described yourself you seem like someone who would not have trouble meeting women if you go for it so i suggest just do some of the old fashioned things like going out to the bar. now even if you don't drink you can still go out and dance or watch a band and just have a water. but i feel like that's one of the main ways to find other single people. and like other people mentioned finding some groups with similar interest could also be another possibility.

 

let me know what works or doesn't - i want to know too & goodluck to you!

[butterfly84]

oh also i did see the part about not having many friends - i relate to that too - but for my suggestion of going out even if you can just find one person to go hangout occasionally you can make that happen. maybe you just need to find a wingman

[CommittedToThis]

Hey man,

 

I know those pick-up artist things are odd, but all of them share some common core truths if you're willing to weed thru it. I was, LOL, but it's not for everyone.

 

One little tidbit I learned really turned me on: simply talk to one woman a day. Every day. Even if it's just, "Hi, you look nice!" as she's getting in her car and driving away in the Walmart parking lot. Or, "Wow, aren't these grapes insane?" while at the market.

 

I started doing that a few months ago and I actually found a FWB situation from a woman I talked to at the market (I knew instantly she was not my kind of relationship material but she's a great woman and a lot of fun to hang out with).

 

I still do it, it's easy and the effects are cumulative.

 

Just my two cents. To me, as a newly-single 54 year old man, it seems like you should have absolutely no problem getting women to talk to you. Hell, I'd date you if I had the surgery.

 

All the best, you deserve this. You can do this.

[MineEyes11]

Yeah, I definitely go out enough. I just keep to myself when I'm out. I do go to bars/clubs. I go alone though and it makes me feel self conscious. I'm alone and everyone else is with other people and laughing and having fun. I feel out of place.

 

I'm well aware that it's my mindset. In high school and college I honestly thought I just wasn't supposed to date. I "knew" that girls weren't attracted to me. Not in a depressed self pitying kinda way but more of a matter of fact sorta way....like "oh that stuff doesn't happen to me, that's for the movies and good looking people" lol

 

And when I got to college and did actually hookup with some girls... I wasn't attracted to any of them. I only slept with them because, having a girl so obviously attracted to me felt like winning the lottery lol. They literally had to do all the work. For example...

 

I was at a party and I was with a large group of people and there was a girl who was a friend of a friend of a friend... she was hanging around for like about an hour or so. We've all been talking in a big group of about a dozen of us and she isn't really saying anything to me but all of a sudden after what was like her 4th rum and Coke, she grabs me and pulls me into a corner...just me and her. She grabs my hands and puts them on her lower back so I am close to her and have my arms around her and says "you know my roommate is gone this weekend so I have my room all to myself "

 

My response? ....wait for it...."oh, that's good. Everyone needs some alone time once in awhile " ....smooth as silk I was lol.

 

She didn't realize I was being serious lol...she laughed and then said "but we can't have sex"

 

I was like...oh ok... I was confused as to why she would blurt that out like that. I was completely oblivious to the fact that she was saying it with a wink and a nudge. I only caught on after she said it for a third and fourth time and started gently tugging at my belt lol.

 

I'm not stupid, I swear lol. I tell that story to demonstrate how my mind has worked for my whole life. This girl had to start undoing my pants for me to finally think to myself..."heyyyy, I think she might like me!" Lol. I always thought that girls were just not for me. It wasn't an option. At least not the girls I was attracted to anyway. I literally thought it was not ok for me to ask a girl out or make a move or kiss her or flirt...or whatever, you got the idea. I assumed I'd get slapped or something.

 

I know this is not the case now that I'm older but I instinctively still have those thoughts in me when I see an attractive woman. I know how dumb they are but there's still that voice in my head telling me she's out of my league, she won't like you, you're not good looking enough, you're creepy and probably end up getting maced lol.

 

Thank god for alcohol lol....

Edited December 21, 2016 by MineEyes11

[TheTraveler]

You're of the mindset women have to throw themselves at you to do anything. You have it backwards. You have had a serious drought because you expect the women to do everything. Unless you change it, GL with that

 

You should try online dating. You need more experience

Edited December 21, 2016 by TheTraveler

[butterfly84]

TheTraveler is right - most women think the man is going to pursue them. I know that whenever I pursue a guy I get nervous because that's not how it's supposed to be.

 

Going alone to places is fine - I do that a lot especially while I am on vacation by myself and I think it actually allows you to talk to more people because you don't have to be mindful of any other people you came with.

[purrrfectlyflawed]

I don't pursue men. Don't expect a women is going to make the first move.

 

 

Get used to talking to them. I agree with talking to one woman a day even if its just a "Hello" or "Good morning". You might even go to a bar by yourself at sit there on a weekend. There will likely be several females there and I bet some will talk to you.

 

 

Do you go to a gym? Start talking to the women that work out around you.

 

 

Online dating is not so bad but the internet is full of flakes, prostitutes, women who want money. I have a POF ad (Plenty of Fish) and I am hearing all kinds of stories about women online.

 

 

Good luck

[MineEyes11]

I work out almost every day, I love music and go to a lot of shows, I go to bars although going to bars alone makes me feel awkward and out of place. And I'm social when I'm out(except at bars)...but I don't really "connect" with ANYONE. Casual chit chat/ small talk but I don't really make friends and I never flirt with women.

 

I guess I come off as a very formal person I guess. I'm nice but guarded I suppose... I dunno. And OLD I have heard how hard it is to get any women to respond and how superficial it is. I'm not some ripped stud in skinny jeans lol. So I figured it was a waste of time.

[butterfly84]

oh you go to a lot of shows that is good - you can find people with similar interests there i think. i go to a lot of shows too but guys never really chat with me there and i wish they would! (between bands of course )